Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speaks about it directly, complains to their friends. And someone prefers to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in a relationship with mom. But the fact remains, and psychologists know about it. Letter without an envelope

Yes, it happens that a mother annoys her daughter so much (as the daughters themselves say - “infuriates”) that every word, every manifestation, makes her nervous. The mother, as it were, becomes a lightning rod, a person who is to blame for all the troubles.

“Most likely, this situation stretches from childhood: comments, advice that you don’t ask for, the absence of common ground,” explains psychologist Irina Sitnikova. - You have already lost hope of clarifying something, changing, reaching out, getting something other than advice: support, mother's pride, praise, sympathy. When this situation has not changed for years, it is easier to move away, replace irritation with indifference. And all would be fine, but the need to love our parents dies only with us, even if we think that this need has already been carefully buried by us. You should write a letter to your mother and say in it what you are unhappy with, what you would like to change and what you expect from your mother. You don't need to give the letter to her, you need it, not her. We cannot do something to another person, but we can do something to ourselves, such as admitting our need to love our parents.

And then try to feel gratitude and compassion for your mother - in order to be able to love her, but remember that she is not without flaws, but you will not have another mother. To be able to be angry with her, but remember that you are angry with a loved one who has done and is doing everything he can for you. And if she does something wrong, it is because she does not know how to love in another way. Try to pay attention not to what the mother says, but to what she does for you. Remember that she is doing her best for you, she is trying. Try and you feel grateful for what she does for you. "

There is an expression: dissatisfaction with others is a projection of dissatisfaction with oneself. An adult daughter, like any person, may have different reasons for dissatisfaction: disorder at work, lack of money, lack of fulfillment in the profession, uncertainty of her position. But the main one is a relationship with a man.

If the daughter does not have a man, then she believes that the mother is indirectly to blame for this. If he is, but the relationship with him is unstable and does not develop the way a young woman wants, then the blame is also shifted to the mother. If the daughter has a husband, then the mother will still be the lightning rod. After all, the daughter will not express to her husband everything that she thinks: she is afraid of conflict, afraid of ruining relations with him. And negative feelings accumulate, so she throws out her discontent and irritation on her mother. Most often this happens unconsciously, without malicious intent. It's just that a mother is a mother, she must understand, take everything upon herself and forgive. So she is supposed to.

“It's a shame when children start making claims,” psychologist Irina Sitnikova continues. “We always do our best for them. So throw away your guilt. All the children of the world are unhappy with their parents; they are always to blame for all children. Apart from those whom the parents have left in the care of the state, these children love their parents ...

All children sooner or later begin to show signs of disappointment with their “ancestors”. This is normal, this is growing up, there is a separation process. If your daughter admires you endlessly, she will never dare to tear herself away from your skirt. Now she should have another object for idealization - a man.

So just be by her side. Let her even be disappointed in you. In response to her complaints, say that you may not be the best mother (yes, there are no ideal mothers), but you love her and do everything in your power for her.

Every mother doubts that she is a good mother, and this is precisely what allows her to be a good mother. And every mother goes through the separation process as hard as a child, even if both sides do not show it. Let your daughter go, she will come back to you. "

Don't age together

Are mothers always angels? Not always. Their most common mistake is to continue to consider their adult daughters to be little girls and in communication with them continue to play the role of a guardian-mentor: she said something wrong, did not act like that, do as I say! Constant advice, guidance. This makes my daughter mad. She is an adult, she wants to decide everything herself, because this is her life. And here there is a constant "correction" on the part of the mother. Mom seems to think that her daughter is still not smart enough, quick-witted, independent, so she needs to be taught, guided, prompted all the time. Mom seems to be watching her daughter all the time, controlling her. Therefore, it is not surprising that adult daughters seek to protect their lives from their mother's intrusion.

But it gets worse. If the mother has a strong, domineering character, then sometimes she manages to break her daughter's will, to subjugate her. She manipulates and blackmails her daughter. The subtext is: "If you leave me (come home late, put on the wrong skirt, mess with the wrong guy), then I'll die." Perhaps the mother is not aware of all the perniciousness of her actions, but this does not make it easier. And if the mother manages to break her daughter's will and she completely obeys the mother, to the extent that she puts an end to her personal life and stays with her mother, then they will grow old together. Have you ever seen this? A sad picture ...

What should a mother do? Separate yourself internally from your daughter. Stop teaching her, stop giving her advice and interfering with her life. The daughter is already an adult and now she must build her own destiny, even if she makes mistakes. She needs to gain her own life experience, the only way she can become a mature woman.

“Surely your daughter also lacks soulfulness in a relationship,” psychologist Elena Kuznetsova tells mothers. - Think of yourself as a daughter: mom's love- a very important need. Refusing to be friends with mom, a person loses a lot. But such acts are not done just like that. Usually they are preceded by some kind of resentment, misunderstanding, something traumatic. And the direct question is hardly enough: "What are you offended?" In their grievances, people tend to isolate themselves, fence themselves off. It looks something like this: “Oh, are you so with me? Well, I don't need you anymore, I can do without you! " It is these “foundations of icebergs” that are most often encountered in conflicts between mother and daughter. "

Everything will work out for her

You should not fight with your daughter for who is more important and who should dictate to whom. We must endure, wait and wish her happiness. Sometimes you need to be able to keep silent, to take on your daughter's pain. Everything is healed and is forgiven with love.

“You are the main person in your daughter’s life,” recalls psychotherapist Ekaterina Krasnikova. “And she really needs you. Resentment will not help restore trust between you. Try to cope with your emotions and take the first step, start a conversation. I think it's harder for her to take the first step. Say that you believed you had a good, trusting relationship. Ask what she thinks. She loves you, but protests (she herself does not fully understand what exactly she is against). Just walk up to her and hug her. "

Time-out is sometimes the best solution. Stop trying to fix something. Better to just distance yourself from each other and let events take their course. Forget about disagreements and calmly accept everything as it is, without expecting or taking anything. Let the daughter live her life, go through her lessons, become a truly adult. She will succeed, do not hesitate. When she becomes a mature, independent, self-confident woman and is finally happy, then the relationship with you will definitely improve. You just need to wait calmly for this, believing that it will be so.

Growing up for any daughter ends at the moment when a certain symbolic umbilical cord of psychological dependence on her mother is cut. Sometimes, we do our best to avoid this vital, but extremely difficult operation, fearing to make mistakes. Thanks to the book Susan Cohen "Mothers Who Drive Their Daughters Mad" you can not only gain independence, but also maintain good relations with your beloved mother.

There is no feeling stronger than and there is nothing more painful than a discord in the relationship between mom and her baby... The invisible umbilical cord, which once served to transfer experience from mother to daughter, must in due time die out and set the girl free. But, sometimes, the circumstances are not at all like that. Grow up daughters, mothers grow old, and the thread invisible between them does not disappear anywhere, tying the young woman more and more tightly hand and foot, not allowing her to breathe deeply, depriving her of the opportunity to build her own according to her own understanding.

I understand that I am touching on a topic, how complex and so contradictory, but I ask all mothers to objectively evaluate this problem from different angles. Sad fact: rarely does anyone manage to ruin something like that. a life daughter, as her own mother can do. As it is said: those who love us are defenseless in front of us.

The mother's love (unlike any other) has a biological nature (it is built on the basis of an animal instinct) and that is why it tends to degenerate into painful forms, like overprotection, overbear ... cross.

The essence of the whole problem, often, is to be found in the unsettled personal life of the mother. Fleeing from the unhappy one, instead of organizing her own happiness, she completely devotes herself to raising her daughter, and then her husband, baby…

As a daughter grows up, it depends on her mother how their relationship will develop in the future: will they become girlfriends and partners (right), or will their connection more resemble a nightmare tangled ball of excruciating torment from the fact that they both love and hate each other ( not properly).

Another common mistake mothers make is unwillingness to work on themselves. Therefore, they sacrifice their own dreams (to build a career, to develop) their daughters (you often hear from them: “I’m a mother, I have to”). It becomes so habitual for her to sacrifice herself that any attempt daughters getting out from under my mother’s wing causes a response panic: “What about me ?!”.

Any mother makes big plans for the future of her beloved daughter: education, career, family a life... And, as a rule, a grandiose future is drawn — such that the mother herself did not manage to build. And if a daughter sees her world in a different way from her mother, then reproaches and drills begin (in case of a wrong relationship) or the mother recognizes the daughter's right to see the world with her own eyes and adhere to her values ​​and interests (even if the mother does not approve of them).

Darling, if you recognize yourself in one of the descriptions, then it's never too late to start changing: discuss with your daughter all important issues concerning her, advise and warn, and do not impose your opinion. The daughter should feel support and care coming from you, and not neglect of her choice of friends and life path.

And one more thing: insults and comparisons with other people have no place in mother's relationship and her daughters... Banned phrases like “What have you done with your hair again — stick out like straw!”, “Take an example from your sister, she has only A's, and you ...!”

Since any conflict is resolved by the efforts of two parties, here are some tips for daughters. If your mom has already crossed the 50-year threshold, you should not expect her to change (this can happen in an exceptional case). But it is within your power to take the first step to create good relationship: try to understand her and become not only more tolerant, but even wiser than she. Trust me, it will pay off.

If you cannot win hostility to mother first of all, try to see her as just a person (regardless of the fact that she is your parent). Think about how the difficulties in her life may have affected her attitude towards your upbringing. The more you learn about her life, the easier it will be for you to accept and forgive her.

There is also a feedback: if you have a desire to please your mother in everything, to deserve her love by your behavior, then non-receipt of it results in continuous opposition. This is the reason for all conflicts: after all, a mother does not have to like everything that you do, right? The way out is simple: do not strive to become a copy of your mother, believe yourself, your desires and actions, because you are an adult, an accomplished person. In addition, many daughters more than ever they begin to understand their mothers when they themselves find themselves in their place.

One of the examples of a difficult relationship between an adult daughter and mother and a solution to a problem in the story from our reader.

I read the posts and caught myself thinking: "HOW MANY BREAKED CHILDREN'S SOULS !!!"
Me too, a former “child” from a very dysfunctional family. The father drank, insulted my mother, put his hand on her, and at the age of 30 my mother got a mental illness and ended up in a mental hospital (she also grew up in an alcoholic family ((
My parents separated when I was 7 years old. Scandals, humiliation during divorce, division of property ... All this disgust was in front of my eyes.
And when my mother got into a psychiatrist for the first time. hospital, then hell began for me.
For a child, mother is the dearest person on earth. How I was killed and cried, how I hated everyone who spoke badly about my mother (sick, stupid ...). I was ready to childishly kill everyone from whom I heard bad words about her.

After my parents divorced, I stayed with my mother. Mental illness has done its "terrible" job with her mind. Living with a mentally ill person is an incredible experience .. It is very, very scary, painful and sometimes impossible. And what a 7-year-old can do Small child do??? How can he survive if he is placed in such conditions ??? Insults, humiliation, hunger, lack of sleep, an attitude against people and relatives.
I stayed in the house without a crumb of bread, scared, until 1 am and prayed only about one thing: "Mom would come faster!" And my mother, due to illness, left home and wandered around the city, wrote letters to the authorities ...
Mom went to the hospital several times. I stayed with my grandmother, whose 2 sons * my uncles * drank themselves to a white pea and my grandmother and I ran out into the street at night in slippers so as not to get under the blade of an ax ...

I started a transitional age ... and then I rebelled ... My mother's character was difficult even without illness, and the illness, in general, “demolished” everything to “no” ...
Almost everything was forbidden to me: I was not allowed to go to the house of friends, she did not like friends, insults, humiliations, and at the same time I studied well, was fond of needlework, neither smoked nor drank.
She persecuted me constantly and for everything: for her illness (you are to blame), for the divorce (because of you I broke up!), For not having an abortion in due time, for the fact that I, a geek of my father ... and you won't write here, not enough space

Now I am 43. Living with my mother, my psyche, of course, was upset ... At the age of 20 I got married, gave birth to children, but now my mother still humiliated my children and my husband.

As a result, I turned to a psychotherapist, he just revived me. God, what a dull, humiliated girl I was. A girl who does not believe in her own strength !!!

And that feeling of guilt, which I read about in almost every message, girls, was mine too! WINES, WINES, Wines….
And the feeling of guilt seeks punishment (and this is not my thought, but a psychotherapist) and now it begins vicious circle* Guilt-Punishment-Guilt-Punishment ....... *

I missed 2 years of working with a psychotherapist with this terrible feeling called "Guilt". Because one clinging to the other ...
In short ... I left with my family for another city, tried to keep in touch with my mother, helped ... She refused help, even continued to humiliate and insult over the phone. She refused to communicate with me, said that I wanted to put her in a coffin.
Eventually…. She became a homeless woman!
I tried so hard not to leave an apartment * 1 room in Moscow * that I got in touch with scammers with all the ensuing consequences. (deception, sale of an apartment ..). My heart was out of place upon learning of this. At the family council, it was decided to go to Moscow and look for her there, and then take her to him.

Girls, lovely .... When I saw her in 10 years! after our last meeting ... I thought that I would faint, my heart was torn to pieces !!! and compassion and hatred are all mixed up. I transported her to us with one handbag. Our children (her grandchildren) saw her for the first time in 16 years! They received her warmly. Allocated a separate room.
But how could I have imagined what life is like with a man who has lived as a homeless person for several years ?! There was all sorts of things: from the garbage dump everything rushed into the house, crazy ideas, periodic running back to Moscow for EARNINGS !!! * while she had enough money so as not to starve to death! If she was given money, then she left for it. Then she returned, our children were shocked, I blamed myself, reproached myself for sacrificing my life and the life of my family for the sake of my mother.

How much I cried !! In general, it got to the point that I didn't want to live ... I started thinking about suicide, I stopped eating, sleeping, everything inside hurt ...
I had enough reason to find a psychotherapist who helped me 15 years ago….

Antidepressants, normotimics (mood stabilizers), an offer to go to the hospital if I cannot cope myself, a psychotherapeutic support group on which the debriefing is underway. I was ready to drink and do everything, just to get out of the clutches of suicide ...

• I rethought a lot, working with a psychotherapist, in a support group, I reconsidered.
• I learned to freely express my hatred, anger for the grief and heartache caused to me. Because if it is not released it will eat away at our soul and body in the form of psychosomatic diseases.
• I let go of the I-Mom relationship.
• I'm not responsible for my mother's life! Yes, I help as much as possible, but not to the detriment of myself and my family. If she does not harm herself and my family, let her do what she wants and live as she wants.

Remained in my soul compassion for her, love is gone. I buy her clothes, because her pension is almost zero. But this is my own choice and the choice of my family, and not because I have to !!!

While undergoing treatment in a support group, I saw how much pain a child gets, growing up in a family where there is no love, affection, understanding !!! How many crippled souls, ruined destinies and diseases “come out” of such PSEUDOFAMILIES !!!

Girls, dear, look for a way out, ask for help, and the gates will open before you!

Interesting article? Share with your friends:

6 reviews to the article "Problems in the relationship between a mother and an adult daughter"

Olga:

Thank you very much for the article. I especially liked the expression "pseudo-families" - it's so honest, so true! We really grow up in such pseudo-families, and then we suffer all our lives, unable to understand why we are deeply unhappy, what is wrong with us ...
And with us everything was like that, until the tank drove over us with “love” moms and dads. She herself experienced a complete break with her mother after forty years, when she fell ill with a fatal disease and only then understood who the woman, whom I adored and considered my mother, really was. As soon as I dealt with my "pseudo-family" - the disease receded! I began to feel better, I live! I took off all the blackness of my childhood and youth. Lost "mother", but found herself!
Thanks again for the story.

Anonymous:

I have a different story! in a relationship with a daughter, a complete misunderstanding. I’ll tell you a little: I raised her beloved with her dad who drank hard times of lack of money .. and I’m stubborn and independent ... my husband didn’t have enough money ... I worked to sew for myself for my daughter and his beloved trying to calm him down and rebuild ... my daughter needs a heart defect treatment and I fought ... at night I cried, sewed, worked dragging products and sold, collected, cured, cried out to my husband and brought up as best she could, my mother died early to me 27 my daughter was five, a huge resentment against my father .. but I did not show my daughter's difficulties, I took care of it as badly as I could, but I endured it was time for the daughter to grow up, problems were piling up. … .2001 and snow on his head needed an operation for her daughter urgently otherwise…. Didn’t know where to get a lot of money… my husband drank… donor money was needed… ..thank God…. People helped me by transferring money to the hospital and my husband drank… I made my daughter heart surgery ... and was left with debts.thanks to God, everything is fine ... but ... so that everything was good in terms of money, I went to work ... she was 14 pulled as best she could, brought it, etc., everything dragged on, we had no work and there I earned ... my daughter had and still has everything with my dad, we divorced, he did not help, and I tried for everyone ... Time has passed my daughter has two children and I pull them all ... I could not work came home ... in many ways I tried to refuse every time I tried to tell my daughter about my work, about life about children ... all yay ... maybe I yelled at myself a lot, I repent. But my daughter does not distinguish where mine is and where she is, I allowed her a lot, I didn’t refuse anything, and when I can’t, I hear that I’m greedy and I won’t take it to my coffin…. I won't take it away, I'm not sorry, but the relationship is lost, I appeal to kindness and understanding, I'm not old yet I'm 50, but give her what I'm wearing, if I don't wear what I suddenly wear, suddenly I need it, she doesn't see the edge, you can't describe all the nuances ... but the bottom line is that the daughter is selfish does not work. But we all had children, but what to do I want to give my eternal guilt feeling, but to understand I appreciate it ... I say ... and she thinks I her reproach in life can be divided into advice and reproach, you can take advice and prove it by deeds. you can only take everything with hostility, advise me how to be ... I think in all the vinlvata I think a lot about others on myself ....

• Our situations are similar, my daughter reproaches me that I talk about money all the time, of course. everything was easy for her. She left her an apartment with all the furnishings. I help so far

I’m all on the contrary, my mother drinks and is jealous of me to my stepfather, and when she’s tough even doesn’t say a word, how can I continue to be ??????

Vlada:

My daughter and I, she is 15 years old, have a complete misunderstanding ... I raised her alone, her father abandoned her. I tried to ensure that she had everything, that she was provided no worse than other children. I, of course, do not ask and do not demand that she thank me every day ha everything that I give her, but! I want to respectful attitude to herself: so that she would not be rude to me, would not raise her voice at me, would not make hysterics, help around the house ... but she would not even wash the dishes after herself. No matter how many times you tell her about it, things are still there. I am seriously ill and I shouldn't be nervous, but she drives me to "white heat" by her behavior, an exacerbation of the disease may begin on nervous grounds, but she doesn't care. I cannot understand how I deserved such an attitude towards myself. It is very offensive, I even noticed how my feelings for her are changing not for the better ... (

Ecology of life. Psychology: We may not be a mother to a daughter, but we are all daughters of our mothers. This connection from the perinatal period ...

Mom, mommy, oh, this mom got it, she doesn't understand me, how much I miss you ...

How many sensual words and expressions we speak during our life to our mother or about our mother, how long we think about her and conduct our internal dialogues, as Carolyn Elyacheff aptly noted: “Many men may be quite surprised to learn that women in most of them prefer to discuss among themselves not the opposite sex at all, but their own mothers. "

The topic of Mother in psychology is key regardless of the direction, and if you ever go to long-term psychotherapy, the issue of relations with your mother will arise in everyone before you. You and I may not be mothers of girls, but we are daughters, with not always simple relationships with mothers. Besides we, as the daughters of our mothers, pass on a lot to our children... After all, when carrying a daughter, not only a body is formed in her, but also an egg cell, which means that we give birth to a part of future grandchildren even when the baby is in our stomach. It is in our stomach that our child lives for 9 months, and the perinatal period is one of the important stages of human life.

Mother-daughter relationships change throughout life.

In the beginning, it is a symbiosis of two. 9 months inside the mother, a safe and calm period. Each of us had our own uterus, some had a good one, some had a toxic one. But if the person survived, even the toxic uterus as a whole helped the baby to be born, and this is also a resource that can be relied on. We remember this feeling of security and serenity, and we are looking for it. The psychological symbiosis of mother and child is preserved during the first year of life, the human cub is helpless and cannot develop on its own. This is the period when it is necessary to devote the maximum possible time to your child, to experience different feelings with the child together, to explain to him and be eyes in this world.

At about 1.5-2 years old child he will begin to separate himself and understand where he is, “I can, let me, I want,” but at the same time, no matter how much he wants, mom should be there, thereby ensuring his safety. We can often watch how our baby plays cheerfully, looks around, does not find his mother and immediately begins to scream and fall to the floor, while he has lost sight of his mother, and therefore the guarantee of his safety.

As they grow older, the mother needs to move away from the baby and give space near the baby. At about the age of 7, active identification with the parent of the same gender begins, in our case, the daughters with their mother, they have their own girls' affairs, the daughter learns to cook, sew, clean up, pick up clothes. During this period, it is important to help to understand the world, to explain the differences between the sexes. Now the child no longer needs a symbiotic relationship with the mother, he has his own hobbies and his little secrets.

Further, following the axis of time, we smoothly enter puberty, when the previous agreements collapse, and it's time to conclude a new contract with our grown child... Finally, the girl grows up and prepares to get married in the usual way. It is very difficult for a daughter, who has entered marriageable age, to replace her mother with a man. Mom must leave room for her daughter's future husband. She ceases to be just a child of her parents. She is formalized to have a sex life and realizes her own notions of marriage.

She received the greatest experience in the parental family, of course, she will bear this particular scenario, or she is so resistant that she will choose the anti-scenario. In the psychoanalytic tradition - all the tales about a girl in a dungeon guarded by a dragon - this is a story that the groom must take his daughter from the dragon mother, he must kill her. After all, only by taking his mother's daughter, he will be able to build his own separate family. In marriage, one of the final stages of separation takes place, the daughter gets the opportunity to stop being only “her mother’s daughter”, but also to prepare for her motherhood. In traditional society, marriage was almost the only way to leave the parental home, now a girl can already be separated geographically, and later get married. In this way, the reference point for mom may already be lowered for marriage... Although living separately does not at all guarantee the daughter's separation. Mothers continue to go to her territory, buy clothes for her, give endless advice about everyday life.

The next stage in a mother-daughter relationship is the birth of a child.

The daughter informs about the new status of her mother - she is now becoming a grandmother. Grandmother may react differently to this news, in any case it will mean a generational change.

During this period, the grandmother admits that her daughter has grown up and will also become a mother. They are now, as it were, on an equal footing. A lot can be said about the relationship between our two by the way the news of the pregnancy was transmitted, by phone, in person, at what time, sooner or later than the husband. Pregnancy can become a new round of rapprochement between the already separated or unseparated Mother and Daughter. The task of the mother will be to convey all the knowledge about this period, to tell about what features were at the birth of the Daughter. Very often, Daughters repeat, their story of birth in their own childbirth - give birth at the same time, with the same problems. Therefore, it is important for a pregnant daughter to realize that the psychological organization was also changing during this period.

And finally, the relationship changes when the mother becomes helpless, gets old and needs her daughter, and the daughter becomes a mother to her mother. The daughter already cares more and sees her off on her last journey, then the final separation took place, and the daughter is already the main woman in the family.

This is the time axis of rapprochement and distance in relationships experienced by two women, a daughter and a mother.

Now consider the other axis

Every woman who becomes a mother should realize that now she needs to seek a balance between 2 poles: Mother and Woman. She does not understand to be her milk factory or the desired wife of her husband, to be an independent person or a dependent mother. This situation has changed significantly in the last century. Women were allowed to study, work, get divorced, not have 10 children and leave parental family not necessarily married. But nevertheless, each will have a question - how to find the "middle ground".

The first pole we will look at is Mother, more than a woman... On the one hand, it seems that this mission is quite honorable, especially in Russia. This extreme pole of relations in a mother-daughter family, in which a man is absent, is especially common. Mothers find meaning in their daughters and continue to build symbiotic relationships with them throughout their lives. The mother breaks hierarchical ties and puts her daughter on the same shelf with her. Such a mother can even at 70 call her 50-year-old daughter and scold her for something. And all statements that she wishes her daughter happiness and dreams of her marriage will, of course, be true, but unconsciously she does not want to break such a familiar connection.

We have adopted and distributed in Russia this kind of family, not typical for other countries: grandmother, mother and child... Moreover, the father may be, but he is so detached from this symbiosis, being an excluded figure, especially if the child is a girl. The husband moves to another room, his wife's mother takes his place in the apartment and they have quite such good family it turns out that they walk, finally, become the closest people, go to rest, and are happy without their husbands. Mom becomes the closest to her daughter, she gives her a resource, they talk a lot and here it seems to be a desirable unity. During pregnancy and after the birth of grandchildren, a mother can really be a very good resource for an adult daughter. She can tell her about her birth, convey the experience of caring for babies. It's very important not to get carried away here.

The symbiotic relationship with the mother is directly related to the subsequent relationship with the husband. And the world in general.

If adult girl painfully experiences any parting so much that he cries and suffers as a teenager, then there is an inability to build relationships with the world on the principles of recognizing another person's right to their own space.

A husband who can't be abandoned. A job whose loss is a disaster. Girlfriends who want to belong to her. Sick relationships are mergers.

The problems of this scheme:

- a woman ceases to be a woman(marriage becomes a formality, it can also go through a lot of men, but always return to the daughter as to his permanent partner);

- the seizure of the child, the lack of distance between mother and daughter, the daughter is pulled onto her shelf of relations. Moreover, the mother can carry out such a seizure regardless of the daughter's age and marital status. I think you've noticed how a mother's relationship can change when, for example, she gets divorced or becomes a widow. She urgently needs to take a place, and her daughter is the most suitable figure and she is dragging her to her level in the family hierarchy;

- dependent individuals in all spheres of life;

- sick children, after all, as you know, ideal mothers are mothers of sick children;

- the risk of re-creating a relationship with her husband“The same shell of the closed relationship of a couple of adolescent adolescents who mimic the sexual behavior of adults” (Elyacheff Carolyn);

- mother's narcissism- mothers often want to replenish their childhood and begin to invest heavily in their child. To make an athlete, a dancer, a singer out of her daughter, as her mother wanted, while the daughter's desire is not particularly taken into account. The saddest thing is that in this overprotection (although from the outside it does not seem so) there is no real love, which the child is waiting for, and the child is forced to recreate an idealized image, and at least somehow deserve love;

- hatred of the mother, the daughter will want to escape from this intolerable relationship. Will try to play the anti-scenario and seek relationships with impossible men, married, living far away, often change partners.

The opposite pole will be: Woman, more than mother.

1. The woman is more concentrated on an external object than on her daughter.

“Why are you shouting, dad is tired, dad is busy, dad is asleep,” such a woman is very afraid of losing her husband's interest, so she calmly pushes the interests of her daughter. She will never cancel her vacation if the child is sick, she will not reschedule the event if it is planned with her husband. She needs a child only as a sign of prosperity, so that she can show her guests. Such mothers can go into deep postpartum depression, and blame the child for their new changed life.

2. The second manifestation will be a woman with lovers she is ready at any time of the day or night to run away on a date, will find time for this even while on maternity leave. She will never look for a father for her children after a divorce, she will just do what is best for her. Husbands from such wives often take children for themselves, and the woman arranges her personal life, or the children are raised by her mother. Or a star mother when a career is more important than a daughter. The common feature of these manifestations is that the external object is always more important than the child. The daughter will be excluded from the main relationship of the mother, opposite to the mother of the first scheme, where, on the contrary, everyone is excluded except the child.

Schema problems:

- disliked girls, trying to attract the attention of the mother in any way, including with her illnesses, such a girl can subsequently take revenge on her mother, throwing her children on her;

- can develop anti-script- to become a mother, more than a woman, to desperately do things differently from the parents' family;

- identify and carry on this scenario in any form(moreover, she is ambivalent to different children, with one child she more mother, and with another - a woman);

- consciously or unconsciously choose a life without children and even without a family;

- she can choose a man who is absorbed in his work or hobbies, to do a lot for him, but it is customary to beg for love with all his might. She will complain that she does everything for him, and he ... In this case, she will play her children's script.

In our society, it is customary to talk about the relationship between the similarity of Fathers and Husbands, and the topic of the similarity of Mother and Husband is rejected or not so obvious. Wherein, it is the relationship with the mother that sometimes determines the whole life path ... It's never too late to think about it and try to change.

What is important to remember:

- there is a balance between the pole of motherhood and femininity, moreover, it will be different depending on the age and situation of the daughter, the mother must accept the evolution of her child's life;

- accept for yourself that mom is not an ideal, a mother can also make mistakes, it is useful for adult daughters to learn this too, whose mother image is very idealized. This acceptance should be for itself, we all live, and do not pass the examination on motherhood by the heavenly commission;

- any long-term psychotherapy will be aimed at restoring relationships with the mother, accepting that it is important and what can be done in relation to your daughter;

- beyond the age of a daughter, she remains the daughter of her mother throughout her life. But separation must happen on time, if it does not exist, then it is necessary to consciously build boundaries in the existing situation;

- we do not always understand in what situation our mother's family situation is now, perhaps her manifestations to us are just the salvation of her own relationship with her husband;

- it's never too late to change your relationship with your mom, even if she is no longer there, they work with the image of the mother

- you need to clearly understand that your relationship with your mother will affect your relationship with your daughter. published by

A relationship with a mother is the very first relationship in our life, the most emotional and closest. They leave an indelible mark on the soul and shape the future personality. Mom is the first source from which we draw love. In most cases, the bond with the mother remains strong until old age. But if this relationship does not work out, the child experiences it as a tragedy, and no matter how old he is, the pain remains just as acute. It is especially difficult for daughters to experience these conflicts, such is the psychology of relations between mother and daughter, both adults and children.

The emotional connection between a mother and a daughter depends on the mother, it is she who sets the tone in these relationships, and even if the daughter behaves defiantly, the responsibility for her behavior and upbringing still rests with the mother in one way or another.

What influences the mother-daughter relationship?

1. Birth is the first test for both. It can be traumatic and risky, for the mother it is also hormonal changes in the body, and, possibly, postpartum depression. For a daughter, a difficult childbirth can result in a lack of empathy and an emotional connection with her mother.
2. Physiological processes - the growing up of a daughter is going on in front of the mother, just as the daughter observes the aging of the mother. This can cause both envy in the mother and mistrust and fear in the daughter.
3. Development of the daughter's individuality - at 3-4 years old, each child begins to create, look for himself, show individuality. And this does not always cause a positive attitude in the mother. Perhaps the mother wants to see her daughter in a different capacity. If the daughter's developmental peculiarities are not accepted, a wall of misunderstanding grows between her and the mother.
4. Femininity - One of the most difficult tests for a mother can be the recognition that her daughter has matured and her sexuality affects the opposite sex.
5. The birth of children from a daughter is the most important point testing the mother-daughter relationship together. If the mother becomes overprotective, tries to manipulate and exercise too much control, this may end up isolating the mother from communication. An adult daughter will not want to let her into her life and into her family. Unfortunately, there are a lot of such situations.

Stages of development of a daughter-mother relationship

The stage of symbiosis. For a girl under 12, her mother is a role model, the baby is attached to the family, her parents are the center of her world and the sphere of feelings, and she is a little life of her peers insofar as.

Riot stage. 12 to 18 years old - teenage years when a girl turns into a girl, and hormonal storms in her body determine her behavior and emotions. The girl wants independence, independence, the authority of her parents decreases, and the first difficulties begin in relations with her mother. The daughter begins to critically assess both the mother, and her views, and upbringing, and this, naturally, hurts the mother for a living. In order not to lose the trust of her daughter, the mother must let her know that she loves her unconditionally, under any circumstances. Excessive custody can lead to increased conflicts on the part of a teenage daughter. Even worse is a strict upbringing in which girls grow up with the belief that love must be earned. Such girls face great difficulties in building relationships with men.
During this period, communication between mother and daughter is very important, but the mother must understand and respect her daughter's right to secrets and not try to get this information against the will of her daughter. The girl learns to make independent decisions in her life, and she does not need extra care. Trust building between mother and daughter can be achieved by asking the mother for advice or discussing the problem in the key "What would you do?"
Family traditions and small common women's secrets, which took shape long before the daughter's transitional period (for example, a baking competition or a trip to the hairdresser's), will allow mother and daughter to strengthen their own world.

Separation stage. From 18 to the first permanent relationship or marriage - the daughter has already grown up and is ready to build her personal and professional life without asking anyone, but it is hard for the mother to come to terms with it. She will still try to teach, forbid, criticize everything that her daughter chooses, but this only exacerbates the relationship between them. The main task of the mother is to try to improve relations with both her daughter's friends and her chosen one, in order, firstly, to make sure that none of them is dangerous to her girl, and secondly, to avoid confrontation with herself. It was during this period, if the mother manages to accept that her daughter is a separate person with her own world and her own life, her relationship with her daughter is strengthened, but not from a parental, but from a friendly position.

The stage of independence. From marriage to growing up of grandchildren, a mother still wants to take part in her daughter's life, help her in raising her grandchildren, tries to be useful, as she is very burdened by a lack of attention, and sometimes she crosses the line and continues to lecture. She still, if she failed to do this earlier, cannot accept the fact that her daughter has grown up a long time ago and has already become a mother herself. And here the problem of separation of loved ones comes to the fore.
It begins at the time of the birth of a daughter, and can continue throughout life. This is what becomes the basis for endless conflicts between a mother and an adult daughter. And there are such conflicts in every family, without exception.
Not a single mother can calmly let her child go: this is what the fear of the approaching old age says in her. The separation will only happen if the relationship between the mother and the grown daughter is mature, there is respect for each other and an acceptance of the differences and distance between both women. Otherwise, conflicts between a mother and an adult daughter are inevitable, and the closer the mother and daughter are, the longer the separation process. after the separation, they have every chance of becoming more tolerant, it will be possible to establish complicated relationship and with a teenage daughter who is just beginning to consider herself an adult.
True separation is when a mother and daughter communicate with each other as two mature women, each with their own life experiences and personal characteristics. No, not friends - mother and daughter, in principle, cannot be friends, such is life.
In order to outline the path to separation that will bring harmony in the relationship between a mother and an adult daughter, you can consult a family therapist who will help you see what is happening through the eyes of your daughter.

I am a professional family psychologist with experience in solving problems related to family relationships. If you and your mother or adult daughter have a hard time finding mutual language, I can help. ... I conduct consultations in a private office in the center of Moscow and online with the help of.

The stage of gratitude and respect, the best time for the relationship of mother and daughter. It comes when the mother and daughter have gone through all the stages of merging and rupture and are now building relationships with each other as separate adults, as women who have taken place as individuals, each with their own world and experience.

If a mother does not love her daughter

Unfortunately, this also happens. Either the daughter turns out to be an unwanted child, or she looks too much like her father, who betrayed her mother, or her birth was too traumatic and difficult for her mother, or her mother is prone to misogyny, or exchanged her daughter for a career - girls in such families grow up timid, unfeminine, not who know how to build communication with others, insecure, deprived of the desire to have their own children. The mother's attitude can manifest itself in different ways:

• she can impose on her daughter a sense of duty to her;
• she is not interested in her daughter's life;
• treats her coldly;
• shows aggression and assault, swearing and humiliating his daughter.

About what kind of life collisions await such girls in adult life as a result of the terrible relationship with the mother, psychologists know firsthand. Usually it takes a lot of consultations and a lot of work on oneself in order to return the girl's personality to an integral and harmonious self.

It is difficult to call a loving parent an authoritarian mother who is not at all interested in the inner world of the child, who exercises total control over her daughter's behavior and imposes her own line of behavior on her. In this case, everything depends on the strength of the daughter's will. If she is weak, then the girl will grow up without initiative and inert; if her mother cannot break her character, then the daughter will most likely run away from home at the first opportunity and stop communicating with her mother for a long time.

The main mistakes of a mother in a relationship with her daughter:

• to impose their ideals, to try to mold from the daughter what the mother herself did not become in her time. This will end either with a serious conflict up to a break in relations, or with a neurosis in a girl who could not defend her opinion and her choice;
• corporal punishment - it breaks girls once and for all. It is especially scary when the father strikes;
• instilling in the daughter a sense of an unpaid debt to the mother, which can only be redeemed by a similar sacrifice to the daughter: she will either have to devote herself entirely to her mother, or be considered an ungrateful selfish;
• vilification of the father, whatever he may be - after all, in your daughter half of the genetic set from him, who should she consider herself to be? Shifting responsibility on the daughter for the one who participated in her conception is a great meanness;
• impose a negative attitude towards men and sex, pregnancy and childbirth. All this will lead to a huge internal conflict between growing sexuality and mom's inhibitions, panic fear relationships and, as a rule, an unsuccessful choice of a partner: it will most likely be an abuser or an asocial type;
• dissatisfaction with the daughter's choice, even with his wonderful attitude, respect and love: the son-in-law is constantly criticized, since the mother has her own thoughts about the ideal life partner of her daughter - either the daughter will accept this, or she will distance herself from the mother until she is completely unwilling to inform her about her personal life;
• unwillingness to let the daughter go into her own life, attempts to “live together as a big family”.

Options for solving the problem on the part of the daughter:

• if communication only causes discomfort, it is probably worthwhile to temporarily increase the distance with your mother and try to part ways. More often than not, this difficult decision is beneficial, and the relationship can be improved;
• find common interests with your mother, because you have lived under one roof for so many years, and develop them;
• a reasonable dialogue, which, perhaps, will not develop on the first try - but if you make every effort and find the right words, then you can convey almost any idea.

Try to “read between the lines”: a mother can not always show her care for her daughter, even an adult and experienced one, in a different way, except for the usual moralizing. She just wants to remain important to you. Just try to take her place.
Remember to thank her even if she doesn't want to admit that her daughter has grown up. For mothers, we will forever remain 4-5-year-old children. And despite the fact that we did not ask our parents for birth, and that the decision to give us life was conscious on their part, we must remember that for our sake mother and father gave up a lot.
If an adult daughter manages to harmonize hers, everything in her life falls into place and changes for the better: career, affairs on the personal front, the financial side, relationships with her own children. By accepting mom, we are accepting the Woman in us. At the same time, the boundary in the relationship between an adult daughter and her mother should be defined unequivocally: this is your personal life, your choice of profession, place of residence, friends, image, hobbies, ways of spending time and raising your children.

It is true that we remain children to our mothers. But they are also, in turn, someone's daughters. Sometimes putting yourself in the shoes of your mother means gaining a wealth of experience and understanding of what is happening between you. I’m ready to help you find agreement with your mom if the relationship is not going well.

You can consult a family psychotherapist. It is very easy to do this using the electronic contact form on the website or by calling the specified number. We can conduct a consultation either in person, in an office in the center of Moscow, or using Skype, the quality of psychological assistance will not change. Communication is completely confidential on my part.