Mother. Two syllables, four letters. But how many songs, warm words and stories are in these letters. How much care or... suffering?

We used to think that motherhood is a kind of image that is inevitably associated with love and tenderness. The very word “mother” in the minds of many has become a kind of metaphor denoting care and affection. As it turns out, not everyone has such associations. You will be surprised, but we are not talking about children from dysfunctional families. We are talking about girls who had a completely normal childhood, a full family, went to a good school. But their childhood is normal in terms of meeting material needs, but not spiritual ones. Now we are talking about those daughters who were never loved by their mothers.

Unloved daughter - how is it?

The mother does not love her daughter - such a formulation hurts the ear. This is no accident. It seems that such a situation is unacceptable in the average family. As it turned out, not everything is so clear. Many daughters live in such conditions all their lives, being afraid to say out loud to anyone: “Mom never loved me.” They hide it: in childhood they make up stories, adult life- try to avoid parent theme.

When a mother does not love her daughter, this affects the entire further development of the girl, her formation, her personality, fears and relationships with people.

As a rule, “dislike” is expressed in the absolute emotional detachment of the mother from the child and in the regular moral pressure on the child. Sometimes it can even be characterized as emotional abuse of a girl. How do such relationships manifest themselves?

A logical question: “Why does my mother not love me?”

Often mothers are totally indifferent to children. Yes, they can feed them, give them shelter and education. However, at the same time, the connection between the child and mother necessary for the little girl may be completely absent (this is precisely the model of relations when the daughter can calmly trust her mother and receive support from her, sincere empathy for children's or adolescent problems). But, as a rule, such indifference can be completely imperceptible from the outside.

For example, a mother publicly praises her daughter and boasts of her successes, only this praise is the usual hypocrisy. When the conditional “audience” disappears, the mother not only does not pay any attention to her daughter’s successes, but also constantly underestimates her self-esteem when communicating face-to-face. The unloved daughter becomes a victim, who from the very young age perceives the world through the prism of maternal indifference or maternal cruelty.

Consider a very simple and at the same time life example. While one girl brings home a “four” in her diary, her mother can cheer her up, instilling in her daughter the hope that the next time the mark will definitely be higher. In another family, a similar situation may end in a scandal, saying “again I brought home four points, not five!”. There are also options when the mother, in principle, does not care how the child learns. Constant negativity, as well as regular indifference, leaves an indelible imprint on the future fate of the daughters and their own future families.

“Mom Never Loved Me”: The Unloved Daughter and Her Adult Life

“What if my mother doesn’t love me?” is a question many girls ask themselves too late. Often it comes to their minds already when the period of cohabitation with their parents is far behind. But it was he who shaped human thinking for many years.

As a result, already adult girls receive a whole bouquet psychological problems based on previous emotional trauma.

Once the question that arose in my head, “Why doesn’t my mother love me?” develops into the life position “No one loves me and has not loved me at all.”

Is it worth talking about the influence of such a worldview on relations with the opposite sex and with society as a whole? Maternal love not received in childhood leads unloved daughters to:

1. Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities. Because of what, a girl or woman simply does not understand that she can be loved by someone.
2. Distrust of others. Can you be happy when you can't trust anyone
3. Inability to soberly assess their merits and competitiveness. This affects not only communication and healthy life in society in general, but also on careers and areas of interest in particular.
4. Perception of everything is too close to the heart. An extremely undesirable quality for any person who wants to achieve success in any life industry. The list can be continued for a long time.

What if my mom doesn't love me?

It is unlikely that the daughter can find a satisfying answer to the question why her mother does not love her. And she is looking for him in herself:

• “something is wrong with me”
• "I'm not good enough"
• "I'm disturbing my mother."

Of course, this approach will only lead to even greater immersion in problems and a decrease in self-esteem and self-confidence. But even having found the answer, it is difficult to radically change the situation. However, you can look at everything from the side.

Yes, parents, like the country, are not chosen. And you can't force love. But you can qualitatively change your own attitude to everything that happens in the family. If you are the same girl who has known all the “charms” of such an attitude on herself, you simply have to carefully work out the picture of the world that was created in your mind. It is worth understanding that not all people are friendly to you solely out of self-interest, and not everyone should be suspected of insincerity. It's not easy. Some cannot even accept the fact that they are valuable to someone. Perhaps, for a reassessment of values, it is worth asking for - this will certainly help to improve life and attitudes towards other people. The main thing to remember is that you yourself will become a mother. And a sincere manifestation of love for your own child is the best thing you can do for him.

Do not seek to please your mother, especially if, over the years of living with her, you have realized that any of your behavior is likely to be perceived indifferently at best, and at worst - with habitual criticism. grow up without maternal love- difficult. But it is even more difficult to force yourself to change the pattern of your behavior. Even if your mother never loved you, she deserves respect for your upbringing, but not constant worries. Your task is to set yourself up to overcome ingrained scenarios and increase your own value in your eyes. Many unloved daughters were able to improve their lives by growing up. And you can, if you realize the root cause of your psychological problems. And it lies precisely in your question: “Why does my mother not love me?”.

The most precious word in life for every person is mom. It was for us the source of the most valuable thing - life. How does it happen that there are children and even adults from whom you can hear terrible words: “Mom doesn’t love me…”? Can such a person be happy? What are the consequences in adult life for an unloved child and what to do in such a situation?

unloved child

In all literary, musical and artistic works, the image of the mother is sung as gentle, kind, sensitive and loving. Mom is associated with warmth and care. When we feel bad, we voluntarily or involuntarily shout “Mom!”. How does it happen that for someone mom is not in this way. Why do we increasingly hear: “What if my mother does not love me?” from children and even adults.

Surprisingly, such words can be heard not only in problem families, where parents fall under the risk group category, but also in families, at first glance, very prosperous, where everything is normal in the material sense, the mother takes care of the child, feeds him, clothes , escorts to school, etc.

It turns out that it is possible to perform all the duties of a mother at the physical level, but at the same time deprive the child of the main thing - in love! If a girl does not feel maternal love, she will go through life with a pile of fears and complexes. This also applies to boys. For a child, an internal question is: “What should I do if my mother does not love me?” turns into a real disaster.Boys, in general, having matured, will not be able to treat a woman normally, they will, without noticing it themselves, unconsciously take revenge on her for the lack of love in childhood. It is difficult for such a man to build adequate, healthy and complete, harmonious relationship with the female gender.

How is maternal dislike manifested?

If a mother is prone to regular moral pressure, pressure on her child, if she tries to move away from her child, not to think about his problems and not listen to his wishes, then most likely she really does not love her child. Constantly sounding inner question: “What if my mother does not love me?” leads a child, even an adult, to depressive states, which, as you know, are fraught with consequences. Mother's dislike may arise from different reasons, but most of all she is connected with the father of the child, who did not properly treat his woman, was greedy with her in everything, both in material and in feelings. Perhaps the mother was completely abandoned, and she is raising the child herself. And not even one!

All the mother's dislike for the child arises from the difficulties that she experiences. Most likely, this woman, being a child, herself was not loved by her parents ... It would not be surprising to discover if this mother herself in her childhood asked herself the question: “What should I do if my mother does not love me?”, But she did not look for answers to it and something either change in her life, but simply imperceptibly went the same way, repeating her mother's behavior model.

Why doesn't mom love me?

It is hard to believe, but there are situations in life of total indifference and hypocrisy of a mother to her child. Moreover, such mothers can praise their daughter or son in every possible way in public, but left alone, insult, humiliate and ignore. Such mothers do not restrict the child in clothing, food or education. They do not give him elementary affection and love, do not talk heart to heart with the child, are not interested in his inner world and desires. As a result, the son (daughter) does not love his mother. What to do if trusting sincere relations do not arise between mother and son (daughter). It even happens that this indifference is imperceptible.

The world around the child perceives through the prism of maternal love. And if it is not, then how will the unloved child see the world? From childhood, the child asks the question: “Why am I unloved? What's wrong? Why is my mother so indifferent and cruel to me? Of course, for him it is a psychological trauma, the depth of which can hardly be measured. This little man will go into adulthood squeezed, notorious, with a mountain of fears and not at all able to love and be loved. How should he build his life? Is it doomed to disappointment?

Examples of negative situations

Often, mothers themselves do not notice how they created a situation with their indifference, when they are already asking the question: “What if the child does not love his mother?” and do not understand the reasons, blaming again the child. it typical situation Moreover, if a child asks such a question, he looks for a way out with his childish mind and tries to please his mother, blaming himself. And mom, on the contrary, never wants to understand that she herself was the cause of such a relationship.

One example of a mother's undesirable attitude towards her child is the standard school grade in the diary. One child will be cheered up if the grade is low, they say, nothing, the next time it will be higher, and the other will be neglected and will be called mediocrity and lazy ... It also happens that mom doesn’t care about studying at all, and she doesn’t look at school, and she , and will not ask about what kind of pen you need or a new notebook? Therefore, to the question: “What if the children do not love their mother?” First of all, it is necessary to answer the mother to herself: “What did I do to make the children love me?”. Mothers pay dearly for neglecting their children.

Golden mean

But it also happens that a mother pleases her child in every possible way and raises a “narcissus” out of him - these are also anomalies, such children are not very grateful, they consider themselves the center of the universe, and their mother is the source of satisfaction of their needs. These children will also grow up unable to love, but they will learn to take and demand well! Therefore, there must be a measure in everything, a “golden mean”, rigor and love! Always, when a mother, you need to look for the roots in relation to the parent to his child. It is usually distorted and crippled, needs to be corrected, and the sooner the better. Children are able to quickly forgive and forget the bad, in contrast to the already formed adult consciousness.

Constant indifference and negative attitude towards the child make an indelible imprint on his life. Mostly even indelible. Only a few unloved children in adulthood find the strength and potential in themselves to correct the negative line of fate laid down by their mother.

What should a parent do if a 3-year-old child says that she does not love her mother and can even hit her?

This situation is often the result of emotional instability. Perhaps the child is not getting enough attention. Mom does not play with him, there is no physical contact. The baby needs to be often hugged, kissed and told to him about his mother's love for him. Before going to bed, he needs to calm down, stroking his back, reading a fairy tale. The situation of the relationship between mom and dad is also important. If it is negative, then do not be surprised at the behavior of the child. If there is a grandmother in the family, then her attitude towards mom and dad is a powerful influence on the psyche of the child.

In addition, there should not be too many prohibitions in the family, and the rules should be the same for everyone. If the child is too naughty, then try to listen to him, find out what is bothering him. Help him, show an example of a calm resolution of any difficult situation. This will be a great brick in his future adult life. And all fights, of course, need to be stopped. When waving at his mother, the child must, clearly looking into his eyes and holding his hand, firmly say that his mother cannot be beaten! The main thing is to be consistent in everything, act calmly and judiciously.

What not to do

The most common question is “What should I do if I am not a child beloved by my mother?” ask themselves already matured children too late. The thinking of such a person is already formed and is very difficult to correct. But do not despair! Awareness is the beginning of success! The main thing is that such a question does not grow into a statement: “Yes, no one loves me at all!”.

It’s scary to think, but the inner assertion that I am unloved by my mother has a catastrophic effect on relationships with the opposite sex. If it so happened that the son does not love his mother, then he is unlikely to be able to love his wife and children. Such a person is unsure of his abilities, does not trust people, cannot adequately assess the situation at work and outside the home, which affects his career growth and the environment as a whole. This also applies to daughters who do not love mothers.

You can’t lead yourself into a dead end and say to yourself: “Everything is wrong with me, I’m a loser (loser), I’m not good enough (good), I ruined (ruined) my mother’s life”, etc. Such thoughts will lead to even more impasse and dive into the problem. Parents are not chosen, so the situation must be released, and mom must be forgiven!

How to live and what to do if my mother does not love me?

The reasons for such thoughts are described above. “But how to live with it?” - the unloved child will ask in adulthood. First of all, you need to stop taking everything tragically and close to your heart. Life is one, and what quality it will be, for the most part depends on the person himself. Yes, it's bad that this happened to the relationship between mom, but that's not all!

You need to firmly say to yourself: “I will no longer allow negative messages from my mother to influence my inner world! This is my life, I want to have a healthy mind and a positive attitude towards the world around me! I can love and be loved! I know how to give joy and receive it from another person! I love to smile, I will wake up with a smile every morning and fall asleep every day! And I forgive my mother and do not hold a grudge against her! I love her simply because she gave me life! I am grateful to her for this and for the life lesson she gave me! Now I know exactly what good mood need to appreciate and fight for the feeling of love in my soul! I know the price of love and I will give it to my family!

We change consciousness

It is impossible to love by force! Well, okay ... But you can change your attitude and the picture of the world drawn in our head! You can radically change your attitude to what is happening in the family. It's not easy, but necessary. You may need the help of a professional psychologist. If we are talking about a girl, she must understand that she herself will be a mother, and the most valuable thing she can give her child is care and love!

No need to strive to please mom, and anyone else. Just live and just do good deeds. You need to do it to the best of your ability. If you feel the edge, after which an anguish may occur, stop, take a break, rethink the situation and move on. If you feel that your mother again presses on you with an aggressive attitude and drives you into a corner, say calmly and firmly “No! I'm sorry mom, but don't push me. I am an adult and I am responsible for my life. Thanks for taking care of me! I will love you back. But you don't have to break me. I want to love and give love to my children. They are my best! And I'm dad) in the world!".

There is no need to strive to please your mother, especially if in all the years of living with her you have realized that any act, no matter what you do, will be criticized or, at best, indifferent. Live! Just live! Call and help mom! Talk to her about love, but do not tear yourself more! Do everything calmly. And don't make excuses for all her reproaches! Just say: "I'm sorry, mom ... Okay, mom ...", and nothing more, smile and move on. Be wise - this is the key to a calm and joyful life!

© Unsplash: Alex Harvey

Our columnist Elena Bashkova talks about how separation from a mother is not callousness, but a blessing, and how close relationships between an adult daughter and an elderly mother often turn out to be a tangle of neuroses and manipulations.

We haven’t seen Anka since our institute days, but, thank the almighty social networks, were aware of each other's lives. As much as in general it can be judged by glossy popular prints.

And now, I was “lucky” to find out the details. Being one of those who, without hesitation, pours out her soul even to people who are not very familiar, the woman happily talked about her relationship with her children and husband.

My eldest is already twenty, ”an old friend said, not without the pride characteristic of young mothers of adult children. “And we have a complete misunderstanding with her,” she continued cheerfully. We can't get along at all. She needs admiration and worship, and, you know, I'm not like that at all.

I nod - Anka really has always been sharp and straightforward.

And in general, - she continued to share the secret. - The girl, consider it a cut piece. Lives separately, comes only on weekends. My husband recently wondered what kind of aunt we had settled in the nursery.

I listen to my friend, without interrupting, marvel at the story, and suddenly I catch myself thinking that I envy her a little. And not only to the fact that she has already raised and brought to mind one child (mine are still in their infancy), but also to how competently and correctly she built a relationship with him.

Of course, one cannot judge them casually, and, perhaps, everything is different than it seemed to me, but the way Anna simply talks about the cut off slice - her twenty-year-old daughter, is very impressive.

I'm almost forty, and I still often feel like a part of a big loaf.

The process of separation (separation) from parents ideally ends with the child coming of age. But how many of us even come close to that ideal? Alas, there are too many examples of completely different relationships around.

To tie an adult child to yourself, there are different "strings".

For example, you can switch roles with him. The scheme is ideal for strong and independent daughters. These cannot be commanded, but it is very easy to play on their sense of duty.

You must have met such couples more than once. It is not difficult to recognize them - by the tired and doomed look of a young woman, and the capricious notes in the voice of an elderly one. For some time, daughters may even like these games, but exactly until they have their own children. True, especially successful mothers may not allow this, but this is a clinical case, and about it some other time. Most of the time it's not so tragic. Although it is no less painful, because, having found the realization of maternal instincts “on the side”, the girl will almost certainly desire her mother to grow up. However, she will not let go of her victim so easily.

All means are usually used - from numerous ailments to endless conversations about their loneliness.

This is just one of the options. There are others. For example, you can inspire a child with the idea of ​​his complete lack of independence and insolvency. Unlike the previous couple, in this role they are distributed correctly, and the mother here remains the mother. The very one without which the crocodile is not caught, and the coconut does not grow.

And it is not necessary for her to be a dictator in a skirt. On the contrary, it is much more effective to surround the daughter's family with attention and care. Such as not to breathe. So that no decision is made without the approval of the great mother. After all, only she knows how and what to feed her son-in-law, where it is best to go on vacation and where to shop. Such parents always have the keys to their daughter's house and passwords to their grandchildren's electronic diaries. From the outside, these relationships may even seem ideal, but only if they do not burden the daughter and her other half. And this rarely happens.

And here we come to the main and most terrible consequence of the separation that did not happen in time - if you do not set boundaries, if you allow the mother to live the life of her daughter, she can pay for it with her family. How many marriages are destroyed loving parents, do not count. In the end, not every spouse agrees to live together, sharing his house and life with a strange woman for him.

But everything is not hopeless, and there is a way out. In my experience and the experience of my girlfriends, the main thing is to understand that any relationship that strains you should and can be reconsidered. It is never too late to change them, even if the previous twenty, thirty or forty years were different. And you should start with yourself. There is nothing to think of re-educating an adult, especially if everything suits him. Conflicts and wars will almost certainly cause a feeling of guilt, expiating which it is so easy to return to the previous positions.

Rebellion is appropriate in adolescence, mature people have mature decisions.

Which one depends on the circumstances - each hut has its own rattles. The benchmark is your own comfort. Everything that is done with love and from the heart is always for the good, out of a sense of duty - no. Gently, but persistently (water wears away a stone), one should build boundaries exactly where it is convenient. And the feeling of guilt can always be lulled by some obligatory rituals - family dinners on weekends, monthly joint trips to the cinema or theater, weekly shopping, etc.

The main thing to remember is that there is nothing wrong with being cut off by a hunk. Furthermore! After eighteen it's even normal.

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If something doesn’t suit us very much in a relationship with a man, we can say at any time: “Sorry, but here our paths diverge.” Of course, it won't be easy, but as they say, we don't have to be around those we don't need. The same applies to friends who, for some reason, cease to be friends: we move away from some gradually, with others we break any ties with lightning speed.

But there are those in our environment who will always be there, despite misunderstandings and conflicts. We are talking about close relatives, namely the only and most beloved mother.

123RF/ocsaymark

Unfortunately, not everyone has a trusting relationship with their mother. Sometimes conflicts arise through the fault of the daughter, sometimes the mother is to blame, but still more often both do everything possible so that later it is difficult to be in the same room.

In this case, both mother and daughter suffer. The first believes that she undeservedly receives one after another slap in the face from the person to whom she devoted all of herself, and the second is sure that she is doing everything right and her mother simply does not understand her. Is it possible to mend a relationship with a mother when they seem to be at an impasse? We'll give you some tips to help you reconnect with the most dear person Leaving behind endless quarrels.

Don't forget who you're arguing with

Sometimes you get into a rage and start throwing the most unpleasant words at the offender. However, it is very important to remember exactly who is standing in front of you now. It's one thing to argue with a work colleague or a friend you can't rely on, and quite another with your own mother. No matter how trite it may sound, but this person not only gave you life on your birthday - he was there in the most difficult moments, helped you get up when you fell from a swing or a tricycle, blew on abrasions and bruises, did not sleep at night, when you had a fever, and was ready to give up his own life for you if necessary.

123RF/Evgeny Atamanenko

Yes, now you are looking at your mother, and it seems to you that in front of you is just a stubborn tyrant who does not even try to understand you, but just imagine that this tyrant will suddenly disappear. She is no longer young and may need help just as much as you did when you were little.

So always remember who you are arguing with and choose your words carefully. First, there will come a time when you will not be able to forgive yourself for some of them. And secondly, being more selective in expressions, you will be able to smooth out the already sharp corners.

Take her place

Do not think that life's difficulties haunt only you, your mother also has a lot of them. Of course, there are a lot of reasons for the emergence of conflicts between mother and daughter, but the vast majority of psychologists assure that maternal dissatisfaction with one's own life very often lies at the basis. Perhaps your mother once left her husband, and now she has serious health problems. Here you like it or not, but you will periodically take out your anger on loved ones. Never forget that mom is not a robot. This is a person with his own thoughts, experiences, problems and fears. Might be worth choosing right moment and talk to her heart to heart?

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Despite the fact that we agreed to protect the feelings of a loved one, we’ll clarify that it’s not worth hushing up grievances, especially since mom probably tells you about everything that doesn’t suit her in you. Try to voice your dissatisfaction, just present it in a more positive way. Instead of “you never listen to me, you don’t care at all how I feel!” you can say "please listen to me, I'm sure you will understand me", and the phrase "of course, you have the most terrible daughter in the world!" it is better to replace it with "your praise means a lot to me."

123RF/Iakov Filimonov

It is very important for her to know that you need her just as much as 20 years ago. Therefore, do not forget to consult with your mother on how to prepare this or that salad or remove red wine stains from a white blouse. Firstly, the advice of a woman who clearly has more experience in these matters than you will really help you. And secondly, your mother will see that you never thought to forget about her, that she is still the same smart and wonderful woman in the world for you. In addition, if you know that she has a weakness for moralizing, it would be better if you choose the topics for these moralizing yourself.

123RF/Vadim Guzhva

Take an interest in her life

Older people are especially acutely experiencing inattention to themselves from loved ones. That is why a call from a grandson from another city is a great reason to brag to your girlfriends.

Be more attentive to your mother: take an interest in her well-being, come to visit, bringing her favorite sweets as a gift, and when buying the little things you need in the household for your home, do not forget sometimes to buy something for her.

You will see, such a gentle and caring attitude will eventually melt the ice between you, and you will be able to hold meetings without reproaches and scandals.

In the public consciousness, the idea of ​​the union of mother and daughter, based on mutual, indissoluble, enduring love, exists as a sacred truth, exceptions from which are inadmissible according to the highest moral laws. And what happens in life? Elena Verzina, psychologist, candidate of medical sciences, tells.

Note that mammals, which include the species Homo sapiens - lionesses, chimpanzees, dolphins, and even birds - eagles, swans, penguins, they also feed, raise and train their cubs, dolphins, penguins, until they can start an independent life. True, unlike women, representatives of the animal world become pregnant, give birth and take care of their offspring, obeying only the call of nature.

A woman gives birth to a child consciously and does it for herself.

Only for myself! To satisfy the biological instinct of procreation; in order to realize oneself in the role of a mother according to civilizational tradition and the commandments of religion; to create a family with a beloved man and live surrounded by loving children; to have someone to take care of her in her old age; just for your own health or even to get maternity capital. We do not consider here unplanned children who are born because "it happened"; but after the birth of a child, as a rule, love for the newborn is born with him, with an irresistible need to take care of him - that very maternal instinct! And what is a daughter's love for her mother - also an instinct, or a programmed heartfelt feeling embedded in her heart when it beat under her mother's heart, or is it a conscious feeling of gratitude to her mother, who gave her life and accompanied her on a difficult path of becoming, or is it the performance of a duty prescribed by morality, while the failure to perform this duty will inevitably be awarded universal condemnation?

Alas, there are many everyday stories when daughters have negative feelings for their mothers -

deep, hidden feelings, even contrary to appearances good attitude to them. Psychologists know how common these feelings are. It is very difficult for daughters who are experiencing this to admit this not only to a psychologist, but also to themselves, except perhaps to bring their pain to an Internet forum, since an open statement and communication with friends in misfortune alleviates the pain and, moreover, remains anonymous. It is pain, because the loss of a feeling of love for a mother is destructive for the psyche, this loss undermines the daughter's confidence in her moral viability and threatens the formation of a healthy relationship with her own children.

Or maybe this is just a myth about holy love for a mother, created and cultivated in society in the interests of its stability, reproducibility, preservation of family cells, and it is quite possible to move from holiness to balance, from a taboo topic to an interested analysis? Let's pose the question point-blank.

Is a loving attitude towards a mother an innate, eternal manifestation of daughter feelings? And are we right to say that adult daughter immoral if instead of the beautiful “My mother is the most best mom in the world!" she dares to say: “She broke my life, but as a child she gave me her love, and I cannot help being grateful to her” or the most transcendent:

I don't love my mother.

We do not consider here childish, well-studied by psychologists, manifestations of childish grievances, subconscious complexes (Electra or Oedipus complexes), conscious manipulations by parents aimed at satisfying children's "wants", or reactions to quarrels of adult family members, among which the child is forced to choose one of the parties. . Of course, one cannot ignore the friction in relations with the mother that a daughter had in childhood, but in a plastic childhood there are enough proven psychological methods which, with an attentive attitude towards the child, allow to overcome tension by the time of the transition from adolescence to youth. Adolescence comes early, and with it, girls begin to feel like adults. Let's listen to the voices of adult daughters (after all, we will forever remain their parents), we will try to see the origins of spiritual trouble on the example of one of them.

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Oksana. 50 years old, a late child, with a higher education, lived with her mother and her husband. Two years ago I buried my mother, who in the last months of her life after a stroke was bedridden. At the same time, she did not get tired of repeating that because of her mother’s illness, she denied herself life outside of the fulfillment of her filial duty. And after the death of her mother, Oksana's life is painted in dull tones of enduring misfortune. What is hidden behind this sad fate, why does Oksana clearly want to be unhappy?

Oksana's mother did not love her husband, the girl's father, and clearly demonstrated her dislike, disrespect for him. As a girl, Oksana always took the side of her powerful and successful mother and, like her mother, neglected her father. After graduation, she fell in love with a good guy from another city. But to leave, to leave my mother?

Impossible, mom can not be abandoned.

Then there was a marriage in his city, already without much love, with another good guy who sincerely loved Oksana. But the mother so actively helped her daughter's family in everyday life, in organizing her relationship with her husband, in raising her grandson, that the husband could not stand it and left. Oksana stayed with her mother alone, and soon remarried a foolish man, a loser (she really wanted to feel her superiority, so it was no coincidence that a weak man was next to her), whom her mother really disliked and with a restrained arrogant attitude pointed her son-in-law to his place.

And then, at a very respectable age, my mother herself got married, brought her husband to the house, so after a while Oksana and her husband had to provide physical assistance elderly couple. new husband mother died, mother fell ill, Oksana looked after her "as expected",

but she did it somehow very harshly, angrily, unkindly, nervously,

the way a very strict mother behaves towards her child, as if she suddenly got the opportunity to command the one to whom she had been subordinate all her life.

Now she tirelessly mourns her mother, and everyone around should remember this loss. There is no one who deprived a daughter of her father's love, who destroyed her first marriage, involuntarily forced her to look after an old man who was not her own, but who served as an excuse for her daughter's unfulfilled fate. How dare she leave forever! Grieving for the loss, the daughter lives today with a sense of uncompensated guilt, both her own and her mother's guilt before her. Being unhappy is her excuse today. Does she love her unforgettable mother?

Yes, of course, but with a strange love, like the victim of his tormentor.

In general, those who did not know the discomfort in relations with their mother cannot even imagine how many young women in the world suffer from the realization of their dislike for their mother, looking for a way out of this unbearable state. On the other hand, there are many who managed to get sick, overcome the guilt that destroys them in front of their mother - guilt for not loving her, get away from the stereotype of selfless love for kindred care and restrained signs of attention, and even allow themselves to open up: “I don’t love mother". Thus, they are trying to save themselves from a painful, unnatural break with their mother, to whom they owe their birth. But we must admit that if this is a cure, then it is only temporary, and the disease is recurrent. It is hardly possible to definitively step aside from the unique bond between mother and child. Maybe find a cure.

If a young woman cannot overcome the pain in herself because she does not love her mother, cannot overcome indifference or pacify hatred for her, then we must try to understand, for example, with the help of a psychoanalyst, why an unhealthy relationship has developed with her mother, recognize the insurmountability of the collapse that has occurred and let go of this pain: do not judge your mother, but forgive yourself, maintaining an accessible, neutral form of relationship, especially since mothers grow old with age, and daughters in any case will not do without taking care of them.