The family plays a primary role in shaping the personality of a growing child, regardless of the will and even the consciousness of the parents. In essence, adults are already capable of programming the child's behavior for years to come by their behavior. E. Berne writes about this: “From the first months of a child’s life, they are taught not only what to do, but also what to see, hear, touch, think and feel. And besides all this, they also tell him whether he will be a winner or a loser and How will his life end?

The problem of programming is the problem of families that are not aware of their educational impact. In our opinion, the most important thing for parents is to clarify for themselves how they want to see their son or daughter - focused on benefit, primarily for themselves, or - for their loved ones, or - feeling their social responsibility to friends and strangers. Do they want to see him as an altruist or an egoist, a manipulator or an actualizer (i.e. inclined to treat another person as if he were himself).

R.V. Ovcharova believes that some of the most typical ways of communication between parents and children cause certain effects that affect the development of the child.

Unresolved psychological problems parents project onto their children. Parental directives (what the parents of children teach) are hidden orders that are not clearly expressed in the words or actions of the parent, for the failure of which the child will not be punished explicitly, but will be punished indirectly by his own guilt towards the parent who gave this directive.

These are some parental directives, their hidden meaning and influence on the psycho-emotional development of the child.

Parent Directives

1. "Don't live"

Parents “destroy” the child: “My eyes wouldn’t see you”, “I don’t need such a bad boy”, “How much trouble you brought me” (accusations of parents).

Hidden meaning: it is easier to control the child, as he has a feeling of guilt, he sincerely believes that he is the "source of problems." This directive is destructive (irresolvable) in nature, and with age, children's guilt is aggravated, which allows adults to manipulate the child. He concludes for himself: "It would be better if I didn't exist."

V adolescence for a minor, provocative and dangerous behavior is likely, the hidden motive of which is suicide. They often say about such people: "He walks over the abyss", because. they are weak in case of misfortune, life means nothing to them. Self-destructive behavior, although unconscious, is characteristic of these people. At school, these children are very noisy, and punishment for such behavior relieves them of guilt. It is this feeling that is basic in criminals. For example, in this case they make tattoos like "I will not forget my mother."

All this does not allow such children to realize their abilities and desires.

For adults, the directive "don't live" works like the need to constantly prove that a person is worth something, and he gets a feeling of worthlessness of existence.

2. "Don't be a child"

Quite often there is a phrase of parents: "What are you behaving like a little one." At the same time, the emphasis is placed on the fact that the child's state is bad, and the state of adulthood is assessed positively. This directive is the cause of complexes, as a rule, in older children in the family and in the only child. For example, the only son of a single mother: "I wish you were big." This leads to the fact that in adult life people take on too many obligations, they have difficulties in communicating with their children, because it is easier for them to involve the child in their cares and affairs than to enter into his childhood state.

3. "Don't grow up"

This directive is more common in families with a single or youngest child. Directives in these families can be contradictory: "You are still too young to wear makeup", "Mom will never leave you."

4. "Don't think"

Phrases often found in the speech of adults: "Don't be smart", "Do what they say", "I know better what to do." Children begin to distrust their own intellectual abilities, feel the emptiness of consciousness.

Another version of the directive stands out: "Don't think about something specific," when parents deprive the child of the opportunity to make a rational decision. For example, a mother says to her son: "Forget ...". (Consequences: the child may be forgetful in the future). Corrective action may be teaching the child to pause between reasoning and action.

5. "Don't feel"

There are two programming options.

In relation to feelings (for example, "Aren't you ashamed to be afraid of a dog?", "How can you be angry with dad?"). Emotions such as anger, fear, resentment are forbidden. These emotions have the power to destroy the inner harmony of the individual. Subsequently, a person cannot verbalize (express in words) his feelings.

In relation to sensations (for example, "Just think, some kind of bruise"). Parents do not take into account the physical pain, the child's feelings that in the future he will lose the ability to be safe. Consequences: control over the body is lost (obesity is one of the manifestations).

6. "Don't Succeed"(for example, "You still won't succeed!"). The child is hardworking, diligent, but considers his achievements undeserved. The reason for this attitude towards the child may be the hidden envy of the parent.

7. "Don't be a leader"(for example, "You always need the most", "Keep your head down!"). In this case, the parents most likely have low self-esteem themselves and are concerned that their peers will envy or dislike the child.

8. "Don't Belong"

Otherwise, this directive can be rephrased as: "Do not belong to anyone but me." Parents limit their communication, narrowing it down to family members only. They emphasize the uniqueness of the child, thereby forming in him "I am the ideal". Over time, his self-esteem returns to normal, but the person does not know how to establish emotional connections, feels different from everyone else. He achieves great results by working alone, outside of a group.

9. "Don't Be Close"(for example, "Trust no one but me", "Who, besides me, will tell you the truth?"). This directive teaches the child not to trust others, to consider that any intimacy, revelation is dangerous for him. Consequences: a person does not know how to determine whether others can be trusted, is insensitive to lies, or, conversely, is suspicious of everything.

10. "Don't"(for example, "Don't do it yourself - it's dangerous!", "I'll do it myself", "Give me, I'll help", "Don't do it yourself, wait for me.") With such fears, parents turn to the younger and "late" children in the family. Consequences: a feeling of fear at the beginning of each business, delaying any work. Corrective action: give children the right to make mistakes.

11. "Don't be yourself"

A. Dissatisfaction with the sex of the child (for example, dad dreamed that he would have a son, and a girl is born, whom her father brings up like a boy, that is, she teaches horse riding, drive a car, restrain her emotions, etc.).

B. "Be like ..." (for example, "You can do better", "Striving for the ideal."). These phrases of parents express dissatisfaction, a desire for their child to be superior to others. Consequences: a person is constantly dissatisfied with himself. Corrective action: orient a person to a specific result, give an objective positive assessment.

12. "Don't Feel Good"(for example, "You are so weak, but you finished the quarter with good grades").

Children are brought up in a cult of disease. The child gets used to being paid more attention to because of his illness, and main focus in any conversation is done on the ailment. He really feels bad, thus developing a sense of guilt in others, increasing his own self-esteem.

Summarizing all of the above, we note that directives are beneficial for parents and allow the child to be manipulated. It is impossible to get rid of directives, but knowing them helps to avoid fatal mistakes in raising your own children and control communication with them.

material provided by AU TO DPO "Regional Center" Family "(

Algorithms of the work of the human psyche and ways of influencing it: how communication forms a child's personality and determines interpersonal relationships.

Editorial

We decided to bring to your attention this article, because we consider the question harmonious development and the correct education of future generations is one of the key issues of the security of society and the survival of mankind in general.

In addition, understanding the algorithms of the human psyche is necessary not only when solving issues of raising children, but in general in any situations of interpersonal interaction.

This article, in our opinion, provides good food for thought and reveals some of the practical consequences of people's misunderstanding of the above issues.

How often did you hear in your childhood from your parents: “You are mine”, “My eyes would not look at you”, “Why do I need such a punishment ...”, “You don’t argue, but do what you are told” When will you finally grow wiser?”, “It’s time to become independent, why are you behaving like a little one?” Or: “You are weak with me, “Why are you fighting, you still won’t succeed, let me ...”, “What do you need most of all?”

How often do you use the same words when talking to your children? We think that no less than you heard them in your own childhood.

But maybe you don’t remember any such words that you heard from your parents or said to your children, but here’s the problem: when you need to start an important business, you suddenly remember unwashed dishes, unwashed linen, an interesting TV show, a suddenly awakened appetite, or about the need to urgently clean the apartment. All these, of course, are important things, but the bottom line is that you put off your important business until the very last moment and start doing it without any pleasure, “with nerves” or under the pressure of time pressure. Although it is possible that before starting your own business, you really managed to do something important for others.

Or perhaps you are one of the people who are able to literally break through the wall with their forehead for the sake of another person, but they are not able to ask for themselves.

Or maybe you pick up gifts for your loved ones without any problems, but choosing something in the store for yourself is an unsolvable task for you.

So it’s not just about the words you heard in your childhood or say yourself now (you can forget both), but in regularly repeating difficult situations for you (but not for others) in which you found yourself since childhood and you continue to fall into them to this day. Let us note right away that it is impossible to resolve your difficulties with one strong-willed effort (by promising yourself not to do this again or to do exactly as you originally wanted).

And why? Because even if you manage to keep the word given to yourself a couple of times, then the experience of success will be more than blocked by a feeling of guilt, sadness or loneliness that comes from nowhere. And these experiences will reliably (albeit unconsciously) turn you away from further attempts to destroy the usual fears and stereotypes.

What is it connected with? It can be said that in this form you are dependent on one of your parents, who implicitly taught you to behave in this way.

Such implicit, covert parenting was first described by American transactional analysts, psychotherapists Robert and Mary Goulding, as "parental directives." The Gouldings identified twelve such directives. But in fact, each directive has several options, which inevitably increase this number. And the point is not even in their number, but in the way of thinking, which makes it possible to recognize these directives in the flow of everyday life.

Based on the definitions of the main twelve directives given by the Gouldings, we tried to expand this concept and tie it to Everyday life no longer a child, but an adult.

So what is a directive?

This is a hidden command, implicitly formulated by the words or actions of the parent, for the failure of which the child will not be punished explicitly, but will be punished indirectly. - own sense of guilt before the parent who gave this directive. And real reasons a child (and often an adult) cannot realize his guilt without outside help. After all, it is by fulfilling directives that he feels “good”.

The first directive is "don't live".

In everyday speech, it is expressed in “sentences” addressed to the child: “My eyes would not look at you”, “May you fall through the ground”, “I don’t need such a bad boy”, etc.

An expanded version of such a directive is “educational” conversations with the child on the topic “How much anxiety and deprivation you brought me when you were born” (for example, “How worried I was when you fell ill with scarlet fever as a child”, or “Since I gave all my strength to you , then I could not get married, ”or the option“ defend a dissertation ”).

The hidden meaning of the transfer of such a directive is to facilitate the control of the child through the excitation in him of a chronic feeling of basic guilt, connected not with any of his specific actions, but with the very fact of his presence in the mother's life.

Perceiving such a directive, the child may unconsciously make a decision like: "I am a source of interference in the mother's life, I am her eternal debtor." Somehow the child cannot protect himself from such instructions, since he receives the main directives up to 6 years. Naturally, they continue to sound in it further, and in some people - to death. Sometimes this deep sense of guilt intensifies with age, that is, this debt has some irrational property to increase faster than it is repaid.

One may ask: what's wrong with instilling in a child respect for the parent, even through guilt? There are several sides to this.

The first is that this kind of upbringing contains a possible psychological deception and manipulation: an adult, as it were, shifts the responsibility for the unresolved life tasks of his own onto the child (a creature that is obviously weaker and more dependent) and makes him believe in it.

The second side is that the child may conclude that it would be better if he were not there. Since the ultimate solution here is suicide, and such a solution is impossible for the child, the way out of the situation for him may be frequent injuries and other ways of unconscious self-destruction (for example, drug addiction). This happens because the child learns to take care of his physical safety to the extent that others perceive his life as a source of joy for themselves.

And finally, the third side: such an attitude towards oneself does not give the child the opportunity to realize his abilities in various areas of life. After all, if a child often receives physical injuries, gets sick, or simply turns out to be unadapted to reality, then parents will receive additional reasons for concern and anxiety for him, and he will receive additional opportunities for cultivating feelings of guilt in himself. And the circle closes.

One of the options for a child to obediently follow the parental instruction “don’t live” is provocative (“shameless”, “hooligan”) behavior outside the home. The child, as it were, specifically “runs up” on punishment. It is known that punishment reduces the feeling of guilt, and such children unconsciously look for situations where they can be punished to relieve internal tension. It is easier to feel guilty about a broken window or nose than to feel constant guilt for no one knows what. Here, the ultimate option is to go to jail multiple times. This, by the way, is one of the answers to the question of why children from "decent" families become criminals. Let us also recall the well-known feeling of guilt before the mother (“I will not forget my own mother”), sometimes manifested by recidivists, which, by the way, does not apply to the victims of their crimes, which one would expect from common sense.

Paradoxically, both overprotected children and children living in an atmosphere of neglect find themselves in the same situation if they receive this directive. Only for the first it sounds like "Don't live your life, but live my life", and for the second - "Your life interferes with my life."

And how does this directive continue to live in the soul of an adult? It can make itself felt through a sense of the worthlessness of one's existence, the desire to constantly prove to oneself that "I mean something", a deep disbelief that "I can be loved", a constant underlying feeling of one's own "badness", as well as in tendencies to alcoholism, drug addiction, suicide.

For the child, the direct perception of this directive is too difficult, and he unconsciously changes it by adding the "if" particle. For example: “I have the right to live if I don’t notice (or feel) what my mother implicitly asks me to do.” But in this case, as if escaping from the action of the most categorical directive, the child finds himself in the space of one of the other directives, which are of a more particular nature.

The second directive is "don't be a child".

In everyday life, it manifests itself in statements like: “Why are you behaving like a little one”, “It's time to become more independent”, “You are no longer a child so that ...”, etc. In other words, it manifests itself in statements that implicitly describe the state "childhood" as bad, and the state of "adulthood" as good.

Such a directive more often goes to the eldest or only children in the family.

As adults, such children have specific difficulties: on the one hand, they have learned to take responsibility for others, and on the other hand, they have an internal barrier incomprehensible to them when communicating with children. For example, they say, "I don't know what to talk about with a child," or feel unnatural and tense when playing childish games, even with their own children. It is easier for them to teach a child something or involve him in their adult activities than to share his interests and live the same life with him. Therefore it own child receives the same directive and seeks to “grow up” faster. This directive is particularly acute in incomplete families when a child hears from mom: "You are my only support ...".

Sometimes such people learn to suppress their "childish" desires very strongly. But these innocent desires are closely connected with our ability to be creative, spontaneous self-manifestation. So often both "forbidden" children's desires, and creative self-manifestations, and even sexual life itself are often suppressed at the same time. After all, self-suppression is like a bulldozer - it does not choose what to demolish and what to leave.

Therefore, people who feel the action of this directive in themselves should begin the rebirth of the Child in themselves by satisfying those imperceptible but important desires that they have so effectively learned to discard. It is worth starting with “childish” desires: a beautiful pen, clothes, fruits, ice cream.

The feeling of guilt that arises in these people when they try to buy ice cream on the street reflects the extent to which this directive is present in their minds.

The third directive is "don't grow".

The third directive is opposite in meaning. It sounds like this: "do not grow." Most often, it goes to the youngest and, again, the only children in the family.

Therefore, only children are in the most disadvantageous position, since they can receive several directives at once, which are opposite in meaning, which makes it difficult to develop their personal autonomy and psychological separation from parental family.

In everyday life, this directive is expressed in phrases like: "Mom will never leave you," which the child can unconsciously decipher as: "I have no right to become so independent as to live without maternal support." And also in statements like: “You are still small to make up”, “Do not rush to grow up”, “Childhood is the happiest time of life”.

Such a directive is given by parents who are terrified of the growing up and psychosexual development of their own child and the moment when he leaves the family, leaving them, as at the beginning of marriage, face to face with each other.

Adults who receive such a directive as children feel as though they will never grow up. They feel guilty, having “betrayed” their own mother, if, for example, they fall in love. Often such people cannot create their own family at all, or they create it, but continue to live with their parents even if they can leave, because "they cannot imagine their life without a mother."

And therefore, sadly, their premonition that they will never grow up is justified: they are not the parents of their children in the first place, but the children of their own parents.

They should realize and accept their right to their own life and even the obligation to create it. Man is given freedom - and this is the starting point. But this gift is insidious - after all, along with it comes the freedom of renunciation of freedom. And if a person follows the second path, then he, as it were, renounces his only life, giving it to the power of someone else's scenario, and his parent acquires the right to two lives.

In addition, such people should remember that their way of existence, sooner or later, may make senseless their parents' years of efforts to educate them in independent living skills. Retribution will inevitably come in the form of mutual senseless reproaches. Therefore, an adult has the right not to ask anyone for permission to grow up.

The fourth directive is "don't think."

In everyday life, it is expressed in the requirements “not to argue, but to do what is ordered”, “not to be clever”, “not to go into abstraction”.

People who receive such a directive often experience an agonizing feeling of "emptiness in the head" when they need to solve some problem on their own. Often they are haunted by excruciating headaches that make the very process of thinking impossible. If any unusual thoughts come to mind, then they tend to drown them out with alcohol, sports, hobbies or entertainment on the principle of “thinking too much is bad.”

They experience a deep distrust of the results of their mental work, often commit rash acts that leave them feeling bewildered (“how could I do this?”).

A variant of this directive is "don't think of anything in particular". For example, wanting to distract the child from a traumatic problem, the mother answers his questions like this: "Don't think about it, forget it." Thus, it deprives the child of the opportunity to rationally solve the problem that has arisen before him. And the child learns to think about anything, but not about his own problems.

And suggestions like “forget it” or “get distracted” can subsequently affect both memory and attention.

People who are used to “acting, not reasoning” can be recommended to increase the pause between the occurrence of a situation and their action in it. Observe the situation like a spectator in a movie, develop the function of an observer in yourself, temporarily increase the distance between yourself and the situation. Consider it as if by itself. Meditation can also help you in this regard.

With a headache, the skill of asking yourself the question is very useful: “In what particular situation or at what particular thought did my head hurt?” By doing so, you will increase your capacity for introspection and discover those "forbidden2" situations and topics that your headache "forbids" you to think about.

The fifth directive is "don't feel."

It can be expressed in two ways: either refer to the actual feelings, or to physical sensations.

In the first case, it is expressed in such everyday statements: “Shame on you to be afraid of a dog, it doesn’t bite,” or “How dare you get angry at a teacher, because she’s good for you as a mother.” Most often, the emotions of anger and fear are banned, but they do not disappear from this, but spread to a huge number of “non-prohibited” objects.

For example, a boy who has been forbidden to be afraid of dogs will begin to walk boldly past a shepherd dog, but will become anxious in character, getting lost in any new situations. And his peer, who was forbidden at home to show aggression towards the teacher, will begin to “discharge” on younger or weaker children.

If the prohibition concerns physical sensations, then a person may lose contact with his own body and cease to perceive its signals for self-defense and orientation in reality. For example, a mother and child are standing in the rain. The child whimpers: "I'm cold." Mom replies irritably: “Not sugar - you won’t melt”, “You are a man.” A child who has learned to ignore bodily sensations can easily lose a sense of physical security and become prone to injury.

Adults who carry such a directive often suffer from psychosomatic illnesses, do not know how to express their feelings in words, and can often be victims of an accident.

Often among these adults there are people who are obese and are trying in vain to lose weight. Although they often claim to eat very little, they actually eat far more food than their bodies objectively require. The fact is that physical sensations deceive them. And they began to succumb to this “deception of the senses” at the age when they learned parent requirement“you need to eat everything that they give”, “the plate must be clean”.

The loss of contact with the feeling of fullness and one's own taste preferences was the price for the desire to be obedient and "not upset mom."

As for the ban on experiencing certain emotions, it should be remembered that their awareness does not at all require their immediate expression. On the contrary, awareness of emotion allows you to choose an adequate emotional response. For example, a person who realizes that he is angry with his boss, and is not “irritable in principle”, may choose not to “relax” at home on his wife and children, but something more rational.

The sixth directive is "do not succeed."

It is transmitted by parents in the course of "educational" stories such as: "We ourselves could not get a higher education, but we deny ourselves everything just for the sake of you graduating from the institute." Or in direct statements like: "You still won't succeed." This directive is based on the parent's unconscious envy of the child's success.

Adults who received such a directive in childhood are, as a rule, very hardworking and diligent, but they are pursued through life as if by evil fate: at the very last moment, a business in which a lot of effort was invested “bursts” for reasons beyond their control.

For example, a student makes a graduation drawing and on the last day before defending his diploma accidentally turns over a bag of kefir on it. He, of course, does not realize that these jokes are played with him by his unconscious, which urgently demands not to achieve success so that dad does not have to envy, because he is so unhappy. Of course, this has nothing to do with the student's conscious intentions.

People who feel the effect of such a directive in themselves can be advised to carry out the final stage of any important business with benevolent witnesses, whose presence will compensate for the partial loss of a sense of security at this stage.

The seventh directive is "don't be a leader."

The meaning of this directive is clear and so, without explanation. In everyday life, it is conveyed by phrases like “keep your head down”, “don't stand out”, “be like everyone else”.

Parents who give such a directive are usually very disturbed by the feelings of envy they believe they are destined to arouse in other people. It is their own fear of envy that prompts them, out of good intentions, to give their children such a directive.

Adults who receive such a directive become subordinates for life, both at work and at home.

I must say that such a directive is not so harmless. After all, there are situations in life when experience, status and, finally, age encourage you to take responsibility for others. But a person who has received such a directive finds ways to evade responsibility even in such situations, objectively worsening both his own situation and the situation of people associated with him.

The eighth directive is "do not belong."

It is transmitted by parents who themselves have communication problems and see the child as their “only friend”. Its meaning can be deciphered as follows: "Do not belong to anyone but me." In communicating with a child, such parents in every possible way emphasize his exclusivity, dissimilarity to others, and in a positive sense (“you are not like everyone else with me”).

With age, the child's self-esteem becomes, as a rule, adequate. He does not feel himself either higher or lower than others, but in any company he feels, as it were, “separately”. He is unfamiliar with the feeling of "merging with the group." Moreover, the person himself cannot understand the reasons for such a feeling, because he does the same in the company as others, and tries to be like everyone else.

One young man said to himself: “Yesterday I was in a company and they sang along with the guitar. But I felt all the time, they sing in chorus, and I sing separately, although no one knew about it.

We can say that, having become adults, such people are doomed to feel different from everyone else, and they will always be drawn to the warm atmosphere of the parental family, which they will not find equal. Q.E.D.

Such feelings completely disappear only in a situation of group opposition to any threat, when the emerging sense of solidarity and camaraderie replaces the previous infantile experiences. Another option for liberation is a strong and reliable marriage built on feelings.

The ninth directive is "don't be intimate."

This directive is similar in meaning to the previous one, but if it manifests itself in a group, then this directive manifests itself in relationships with one close person.

Parents who pass this directive instill in the child that no one but them can be trusted. The general meaning of this directive is: "any intimacy is dangerous if it is not intimacy with me."

Adults who have received such a directive in childhood often have difficulties in sexual relations. In other cases, they have serious problems in emotional contacts. In relationships with the opposite sex, they constantly find themselves in the role of a victim that everyone deceives and abandons. But I must say that despite their suspicion, the situation of betrayal and deception haunts them not only in the sphere of personal relationships, but also in business situations. The thing is that, honestly fulfilling the directive “do not trust”, they have not learned to analyze situations: where, whom and to what extent they can be trusted. They can be advised to learn such an analysis. And... trust.

The tenth directive is "do not".

Its meaning is deciphered as follows: "Do not do it yourself - it is dangerous, I will do it for you."

Adults under the influence of this directive experience excruciating difficulties at the beginning of each new business, even well-known ones - whether it is writing a novel, knitting a sweater, or washing clothes. As opposed to bearers of the "do not succeed" directive, who have difficulty completing the case.

They constantly postpone the beginning of their actions, often get into time trouble, and, of course, they don’t realize that they are only obediently following the parent’s requirement: “don’t do it yourself, wait for me.” Such people often reproach themselves for being weak-willed, but the point here is not in the will, but in obedience, which has already become completely meaningless - after all, mother will no longer come to your machine or to your desk.

Such people, as well as those with the "do not succeed" directive, may be advised to start a case with witnesses or in a group situation, which will not allow them to be left alone with their directive.

The eleventh directive is "don't be yourself."

It comes in two main versions. The first is the dissatisfaction of the parents with the sex of the child (for example, they were expecting a boy, but a girl was born). The second option is expressed in statements like: "Be like ...", "Strive for the ideal", "Why can your friend do it, but you can't?"

The hidden meaning of this directive is to cause dissatisfaction with one's current state and put a person into continuous running around vicious circle. After all, being constantly dissatisfied with himself and motivated by envy (for someone or something), he begins to constantly run away from himself, being convinced that someone else's is always better than his own. And such a person, as you know, is very easy to manage. The main thing is to create new lures for him - material, intellectual or spiritual.

An adult person who carries such a directive in himself is constantly dissatisfied with himself and considers this almost a moral virtue. They say about such people: "I am more critical of myself than of others." And it's understandable why. After all, he constantly needs to surpass others, at least in terms of the height of the requirements for himself. “You are below me, and therefore I cannot demand from you what I demand from myself.” Such people live in a state of painful inner conflict.

The twelfth directive is "don't feel good."

It is transmitted by parents who say in the presence of the child: “Despite the fact that he had a high temperature, he wrote the control for 5” or “Although he is weak, he dug up a whole garden bed himself.”

A person who has received such a directive is accustomed, on the one hand, to the idea that the disease attracts everyone's attention to him, and on the other hand, to the expectation that poor health will increase the value of any of his actions.

Everyone knows employees who constantly complain about headaches at work, and when they are asked to go home, they stubbornly stay at work and even stay up late. The meaning of this behavior is this - "you should be ashamed - after all, even with poor health, I do more than you."

The consequences of such behavior can be sad, because these people do not feign illness, but use a real illness for psychological gain. As a result, their condition naturally worsens. Gradually, the life history of such people is transformed into a medical history.

Maybe you saw something about yourself in the description of the directives, and your first inner impulse was to justify your parents (for example, “they raised me in hard time"). This desire is perfectly normal, because each of us carries an inner child with him all his life. And for a child who feels like an extension of his parents, to consider that his parents are “bad” means to consider himself “bad”. A child never makes demands on parents: “I will love you if you ...” (at least until a certain age and certain circumstances, which we may talk about another time). A child's love for his parents is always unconditional.

How can one help oneself and another if the action of such directives hinders self-realization in life? Let's say right away that trying to "change", "re-educate" your parents, sort things out with them about how they raised you in childhood is a completely hopeless business.

If you expect your parents to abolish some directives with their power and give others, “better”, then you are still in infantile dependence and strive to live according to the instructions of the “elders”.

Just assume that with this moment it is you who has the right to make a choice - to do or not to do something.

Following directives helped you - small and dependent - to adapt to the requirements of large and free people who, without asking your consent, decided based on your unconditional love, your own, not always known to you problems. But now the situation has changed: the adult is you. And every person has the right to consciously change the unconscious decisions made by him in childhood.

The question arises: is it possible in principle to raise a child without ever resorting to such directives? This is possible only theoretically - if a child is brought up by a person who has completely solved all his personal problems and is free from creating new ones, which is practically unrealistic.

All of us, raising children, remain the children of our own parents and continue to solve the problem of growing up precisely in the course of raising children. And we have no other way.

Therefore, you as a parent cannot avoid directives. It's tragic, but that's not the point. The main thing is that, firstly, your child can see that you yourself are freeing yourself from the directives given to you by your parents, and, secondly, you leave him the opportunity to get rid of the directives received from you, no longer in relationship with you, but in the wider human community. It also makes sense to limit the time of their psychological power to certain age limits, which the child should be aware of. These boundaries may also coincide with the time of the civil formation of a person.

Directives are inevitable, but dependence on them is by no means fatal. With the release of this addiction is usually associated with a mid-life crisis.

And one more thing. Directives should not be confused with morality. Directives are always unconscious, morality is always conscious. Parents resort to directives precisely because they are not omnipotent, and no one will remove the task of controlling the child from them.

And in conclusion - a few words of apology for directives. "Rejoice in obstacles - by them you grow." Directives in our lives are a challenge to our ability to develop. And like any challenge, it may or may not be accepted. Awareness of unconscious influences in oneself gives an experience that cannot be obtained in any other way. The creation of a sterile "educational environment" devoid of directives is a pedagogical utopia that costs exactly as much as any other utopia.

Adults can really do a lot, but they cannot do one thing - to solve for the child the problem of his growing up and liberation from their own unconscious influences. What? Let everyone decide for themselves.

And as a child of his parents, and as a parent of his children.

Summary: Hidden parenting. parent programming. parent directives. Don't encode guilt in your child. Share the interests of the child. Don't be afraid of your children growing up. Give your child the opportunity to participate in problem solving.

How often did you hear from your parents in your childhood: “You are mine”, “My eyes would not look at you”, “Why do I need such a punishment ...”, “Don’t argue, but do what you are told”, “When will you finally grow wiser?”, “It’s time to become independent, that you behave like a little one.” Or: “You are weak with me”, “Why are you fighting, you still won’t succeed, let me ...”, “What do you need most of all?”

How often do you use the same words when talking to your children? We think that no less than you heard them in your own childhood.

But maybe you don’t remember any such words that you heard from your parents or said to your children, but here’s the problem: when you need to start an important business, you suddenly remember unwashed dishes, unwashed linen, an interesting TV show, a suddenly awakened appetite or need to urgently clean the apartment. All these, of course, are important things, but the bottom line is that you put off your important business until the very last moment and start doing it without any pleasure, "with nerves" or under the pressure of time pressure. Although it is possible that before starting your own business, you really managed to do something important for others.

Or perhaps you are one of the people who are able to literally break through the wall with their forehead for the sake of another person, but they are not able to ask for themselves.

Or maybe you pick up gifts for your loved ones without any problems, but choosing something in the store for yourself is an unsolvable task for you.

So it's not just the words that you heard in your childhood or say yourself now (you can forget both), but in regularly repeated, difficult for you (but not for others) situations in which you found yourself since childhood and you continue to fall into them to this day. We note right away that it is impossible to resolve your difficulties with one strong-willed effort (by promising yourself “not to do this again” or “to do exactly as you originally wanted”).

And why? Because even if you manage to keep the word given to yourself a couple of times, then the experience of success will be more than blocked by a feeling of guilt, sadness or loneliness that comes from nowhere. And these experiences will reliably (albeit unconsciously) turn you away from further attempts to destroy the usual fears and stereotypes.

What is it connected with? It can be said that in this form you are dependent on one of your parents, who implicitly "taught" you to behave in this way.

Such implicit, hidden parental "teaching" was first described by American transactional analysts, psychotherapists Robert and Mary Goulding as "parental directives." The Gouldings identified twelve such directives. But in fact, each directive has several options, which inevitably increase this number. And the point is not even in their number, but in the way of thinking, which makes it possible to recognize these directives in the flow of everyday life.

Starting from the definitions of the main twelve directives given by the Gouldings, we tried to expand this concept and tie it to the everyday life of an adult, not a child.

So what is a directive?

This is a hidden order, implicitly formulated by the words or actions of the parent, for the failure of which the child will not be punished explicitly, but will be punished indirectly - by his own guilt towards the parent who gave this directive. Moreover, a child (and often an adult) cannot realize the true reasons for his guilt without outside help. After all, it is by fulfilling directives that he feels "good."

The first directive is "don't live".

In everyday speech, it is expressed in "sentences" addressed to the child: "My eyes would not look at you", "May you fall through the ground", "I don't need such a bad boy", etc.

An expanded version of such a directive is “educational” conversations with a child on the topic “How much anxiety and deprivation you brought me when you were born” (for example: “How worried I was when you fell ill with scarlet fever as a child” or: “Since I gave all my strength to you , then I could not get married" or the option - "defend a thesis").

The hidden meaning of the transfer of such a directive is to facilitate the control of the child through the excitation in him of a chronic feeling of basic guilt, connected not with any of his specific actions, but with the very fact of his presence in the mother's life.

Perceiving such a directive, the child may unconsciously make a decision like: "I am a source of interference in the life of the mother, I am her eternal debtor." Somehow the child cannot protect himself from such instructions, since he receives the main directives up to 6 years. Naturally, they continue to sound in it further, and in some people - to death. Sometimes this deep sense of guilt intensifies with age, i.e. this debt has some irrational property to increase faster than to be repaid.

One may ask: what's wrong with instilling in a child respect for the parent, even through guilt? There are several sides to this.

The first is that this kind of upbringing contains a possible psychological deception and manipulation: an adult, as it were, shifts the responsibility for the unresolved life tasks of his own onto the child (a creature that is obviously weaker and more dependent) and makes him believe in it.

The second side is that the child may conclude that it would be better if he were not there. Since the ultimate solution here is suicide, and such a solution is impossible for the child, the way out of the situation for him may be frequent injuries and other ways of unconscious self-destruction (for example, drug addiction). This happens because the child learns to take care of his physical safety to the extent that others perceive his life as a source of joy for themselves.

And finally, the third side: such an attitude towards oneself does not give the child the opportunity to realize his abilities in various areas of life. After all, if a child often receives physical injuries, gets sick, or simply turns out to be unadapted to reality, then parents will receive additional reasons for concern and anxiety for him, and he will receive additional opportunities for cultivating feelings of guilt in himself. And the circle closes.

One of the options for obedient obedience by the child to the parental instruction "don't live" is provocative ("shameless", "hooligan") behavior outside the home. The child, as it were, specifically "runs up" on the punishment. It is known that punishment reduces the feeling of guilt, and such children unconsciously look for situations where they can be punished to relieve internal tension. It is easier to feel guilty about a broken window or nose than to feel constant guilt for no one knows what. Here, the ultimate option is to go to jail multiple times. This, by the way, is one of the answers to the question of why children from "decent" families become criminals. Let us also recall the well-known feeling of guilt towards the mother ("I will not forget my own mother"), sometimes manifested by recidivists, which, by the way, does not extend to the victims of their crimes, which one would expect from common sense.

Paradoxically, both overprotected children and children living in an atmosphere of neglect find themselves in the same situation if they receive this directive. Only for the first it sounds like "Do not live your life, but live my life", and for the second - "Your life interferes with my life."

And how does this directive continue to live in the soul of an adult? It can make itself felt through a sense of the worthlessness of one's existence, the desire to constantly prove to oneself that "I mean something", a deep disbelief that "I can be loved", a constant underlying feeling of one's own "badness", as well as in tendencies to alcoholism, drug addiction, suicide.

For the child, the direct perception of this directive is too heavy, and he unconsciously changes it by adding the "if" particle. For example: "I have the right to live if I do not notice (or feel) what my mother implicitly asks me." But in this case, as if escaping from the action of the most categorical directive, the child finds himself in the space of one of the other directives, which are of a more particular nature.

The second directive is "don't be a child".

In everyday life, it manifests itself in statements like: "What are you behaving like a little", "It's time to become more independent", "You are no longer a child so that ...", etc. In other words, it manifests itself in statements that implicitly describe the state "childhood" as bad, and the state of "adulthood" as good.

Such a directive more often goes to the eldest or only children in the family.

As adults, such children have specific difficulties: on the one hand, they have learned to take responsibility for others, and, on the other hand, they have an internal barrier incomprehensible to them when communicating with children. For example, they say, "I don't know what to talk about with a child," or experience unnaturalness and tension when playing children's games, even with their own children. It is easier for them to teach a child something or involve him in their adult activities than to share his interests and live the same life with him. Therefore, his own child receives the same directive and strives to "grow up" faster. Such a directive sounds especially acute in single-parent families, when a child hears from his mother: "You are my only support ...".

Sometimes such people learn to suppress their "childish" desires very strongly. But these innocent desires are closely connected with our ability to be creative, spontaneous self-manifestation. So often both "forbidden" children's desires and creative self-manifestations and even sexual life itself are suppressed at the same time. After all, self-suppression is like a bulldozer - it does not choose what to demolish and what to leave.

Therefore, people who feel the action of this directive in themselves should begin the rebirth of the Child in themselves by satisfying those imperceptible but important desires that they have so effectively learned to discard. It is worth starting with "childish" desires: a beautiful pen, clothes, fruits, ice cream.

The feeling of guilt that arises in these people when they try to buy ice cream on the street reflects the extent to which this directive is present in their minds.

The third directive is "don't grow".

The third directive is opposite in meaning. It sounds like this: "do not grow." Most often, it goes to the youngest and, again, the only children in the family.

Therefore, only children are in the most disadvantageous position, since they can receive several directives at once, which are opposite in meaning, which makes it difficult for them to develop personal autonomy and psychological separation from the parental family.

In everyday life, this directive is expressed in phrases like: "Mom will never leave you," which the child can unconsciously decipher as: "I have no right to become so independent as to live without maternal support." And also in statements like: "You are still too small to make up", "Do not rush to grow up", "Childhood is the happiest time of life."

Such a directive is given by parents who are terrified of the growing up and psychosexual development of their own child and the moment when he leaves the family, leaving them, as at the beginning of marriage, face to face with each other.

Adults who receive such a directive as children feel as though they will never grow up. They feel guilty, having "betrayed" their own mother, if, for example, they fall in love. Often such people cannot create their own family at all, or create one, but continue to live with their parents even if they can leave, because "they cannot imagine their life without a mother."

And therefore, sadly, their premonition that they will never grow up is justified: in the first place, they are not the parents of their children, but the children of their own parents.

They should realize and accept their right to their own life and even the obligation to create it. Man is given freedom - and this is the starting point. But this gift is insidious - after all, along with it comes the freedom of renunciation of freedom. And if a person follows the second path, then he, as it were, renounces his only life, giving it to the power of someone else's scenario, and his parent acquires the right to two lives.

In addition, such people should remember that their way of existence, sooner or later, may make senseless their parents' years of efforts to educate them in independent living skills. Retribution will inevitably come in the form of mutual senseless reproaches. Therefore, an adult has the right not to ask anyone for permission to grow up.

The fourth directive is "don't think."

In everyday life, it is expressed in the requirements "not to reason, but to do what is ordered", "not to be clever", "not to go into abstraction".

People who receive such a directive often experience an agonizing feeling of "emptiness in the head" when they need to solve some problem on their own. Often they are haunted by excruciating headaches that make the very process of thinking impossible. If any unusual thoughts come to mind, then they tend to drown them out with alcohol, sports, hobbies or entertainment according to the principle "it's bad to think too much."

They experience a deep distrust of the results of their mental work, often commit rash acts that leave them feeling bewildered (“how could I do this?”).

A variant of this directive is "don't think of anything in particular". For example, wanting to distract a child from a traumatic problem, a mother answers his questions like this: "Don't think about it, forget it." Thus, it deprives the child of the opportunity to rationally solve the problem that has arisen before him. And the child learns to think about anything, but not about his own problems.

And suggestions like "forget" or "get distracted" can subsequently affect both memory and attention.

People who are accustomed to "acting, not reasoning" can be recommended to increase the pause between the occurrence of a situation and their action in it. Observe the situation like a spectator in a movie, develop the function of an observer in yourself, temporarily increase the distance between yourself and the situation. Consider it as if by itself. Meditation can also help you in this regard.

With a headache, the skill of asking yourself the question is very useful: "In what particular situation or at what particular thought did my head hurt?" By acting in this way, you will increase your ability to introspection and discover those "forbidden" situations and topics that a headache "forbids" you to think about.

Fifth directive - "don't feel"

It can be expressed in two ways: either refer to the actual feelings or to physical sensations.

In the first case, it is expressed in such everyday statements: "Shame on you if you are afraid of a dog, it does not bite" or "How dare you be angry with a teacher, because she is good for you as a mother." Most often, emotions of anger and fear are banned, but they do not disappear from this, but spread to a huge number of "not-forbidden" objects.

For example, a boy who has been forbidden to be afraid of dogs will begin to walk boldly past a shepherd dog, but will become anxious in character, getting lost in any new situations. And his peer, who was forbidden at home to show aggression towards the teacher, will begin to "discharge" on younger or weaker children.

If the prohibition concerns physical sensations, then a person may lose contact with his own body and cease to perceive its signals for self-defense and orientation in reality. For example, a mother and child are standing in the rain. The child whimpers: "I'm cold." Mom replies irritably: "Not sugar - you won't melt", "You're a man." A child who has learned to ignore bodily sensations can easily lose a sense of physical security and become prone to injury.

Adults who carry such a directive often suffer from psychosomatic illnesses, do not know how to express their feelings in words, and can often be victims of an accident.

Often among these adults there are people who are obese and are trying in vain to lose weight. Although they often claim to eat very little, they actually eat far more food than their bodies objectively require. The fact is that physical sensations deceive them. And they began to succumb to this "deception of the senses" at the age when they learned the parental requirement "you need to eat everything that is given", "the plate must be clean."

The loss of contact with the feeling of satiety and one's own taste preferences was the price for the desire to be obedient and "not to upset mother."

As for the ban on experiencing certain emotions, it should be remembered that their awareness does not at all require their immediate expression. On the contrary, awareness of emotion allows you to choose an adequate emotional response. For example, a person who realizes that he is angry with his boss, and is not "irritable in principle," may choose not to "relax" at home on his wife and children, but something more rational.

The sixth directive is "do not succeed."

It is transmitted by parents in the course of "educational" stories such as: "We ourselves could not get a higher education, but we deny ourselves everything just for the sake of you graduating from the institute." Or in direct statements like: "You still won't succeed." This directive is based on the parent's unconscious envy of the child's success.

Adults who received such a directive in childhood are, as a rule, very industrious and diligent, but they are pursued through life as if by evil fate: at the very last moment, a business in which a lot of effort was invested “bursts” for reasons beyond their control.

For example, a student makes a graduation drawing and on the last day before defending his diploma accidentally turns over a bag of kefir on it. He, of course, does not realize that these "jokes" are played with him by his unconscious, insistently demanding not to achieve success, so that dad does not have to envy, because he is so unhappy. Of course, this has nothing to do with the student's conscious intentions.

People who feel the effect of such a directive in themselves can be advised to carry out the final stage of any important business with benevolent witnesses, whose presence will compensate for the partial loss of a sense of security at this stage.

Read the rest of the article >>>>

Other publications on the topic of this article: