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The reasons why you decide to leave your baby in the care of a grandmother for a long time can be varied. Perhaps you have not yet gone to work, but you want to relax with your husband in warm countries just the two of you. Or are you already working and not happy with the fact that the baby went to summer Kindergarten. Who will come to the rescue? Of course grandma!

Marina, 23 years old: “Our daughter is 2 years 1 month old. At work, my husband was given a ticket to a sanatorium by the sea, but children are accepted there only from 4 years old. The issue seems to have been resolved, we are going, agreed with the grandmothers, they will take care of their granddaughter. But I can't sleep at night and I'm slowly going crazy: I can't imagine leaving my baby."

The fact that the child needs preparation for a stay in a new place and for separation from his home is not objectionable. But parents need preparation for separation from the child no less. Mothers begin to worry long before they have to leave the baby. Guilt is what haunts parents! “Am I a good mother if I leave the child with the grandmother?” - this question is most relevant if parents go on vacation, and do not stay in the city to work. Try not to feel guilty about "leaving" the child. You really deserve it, because the first 2-3 years of a baby's life are very stressful for his parents. Yes, and for the child, separation is no less useful. Mothers who leave their children for a few weeks in the care of relatives, then find their babies matured and acquired many new skills. To be calm and confident that the child "will not be injured", prepare the crumbs for this event. Mom does not need any special preparation: while she is preparing the baby, she internally calms down.

Question for psychologists

AT recent times my husband and I often have a dispute: is it necessary to leave the child for the night with grandparents without special need. We have 2 sons. The oldest is 2 years 9 months, the youngest is 9 months. When the youngest son was born, I tried not to separate the children so that the older one got used to the fact that another child appeared in the house. But soon the elder went to the garden, began to get sick often, and recently we had to isolate him for 2 weeks so as not to infect the younger infectious disease. First we took him to my parents. I must say right away that we were very lucky with grandparents on both sides, they are very caring, always help out, the children love them very much, we often visit them, they often come to us and several times the elder even asked to stay with his grandmother for the night ( both one and the other). Yes, and grandmothers often ask to leave their grandson for a while. This time he also went to them with joy and the first days everything was fine, then he began to ask to go home. Because we could not bring him home yet, so as not to infect the younger one, we transported him to other grandparents. on the very first evening he did not want to let us go, then he somehow reconciled himself, but I feel that the child misses us, no matter how good it was with grandparents. The husband believes that this is because he is not used to staying with his grandparents. and I think that children should not be left unnecessarily with grandparents. I want the brothers to be always (if possible) together so that they have a sense of home and family. Tell them if it is necessary to leave children regularly with grandparents without special need, simply at the request of the child or grandparents.
Thank you in advance.

4 pieces of advice were received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: Is it worth leaving the child at the grandmother's for the night?

Olga! The relationship of generations in your family is only the relationship of generations in your family. If you do not have such distortions, as in the movie "Bury Me Behind the Baseboard", then there is no point in arguing.

Act in the interests of children, but do not forget about yourself. First of all, you, your husband and your children are your family. In our society, as a rule, it is the parents who instill in their children the norms of morality and behavior. Whereas, grandparents, allow children everything, give them complete freedom. A reasonable balance between the two is necessary for the full development of any child. And always, at all times, this regulation of this ratio has been a problem for parents.

I suggest you turn your attention not to the subject of the dispute, but to the very fact of its existence. As a rule, the subject of dispute, in intra-family conflicts, is not worth a damn.

I recommend that you contact a specialist in person, but not to solve the problems of grandparents, but so that you and your husband learn to argue productively, coming to a common opinion. Conflict resolution skills in the bud between you and your husband will keep a favorable climate for the development of your children in your multi-generational family.

Olga, your feelings and sensations (“I feel that the child misses us, no matter how good it is with grandparents ... I think that children should not be left without great need with grandparents. I want brothers were always (if possible) together so that they had a sense of home and family ") - absolutely true! You don’t often meet a person who feels so sensitively, how good it will be for both children and yourself (and waiting for grandparents)!

You and your husband were not lucky with your grandparents (maybe with them too, most likely!), but with your parents. For a baby (2 years 9 months - a baby too!) Any separation from his mother is a trauma! You can’t protect yourself from all infections, and getting sick in your mother’s arms is better than not getting sick in another place ... This does not detract from the role of the older generation! It's just that mom (and dad, of course) at this stage are very important, their presence, touches, words, looks!

Hello Olga! If you hear your child, then refusing him will also not be very favorable - yes, children like to stay with their grandparents, especially if there is such an opportunity, then rather these connections help him form a broad idea of ​​\u200b\u200bthe family - where there is a relationship between the younger generation and where there is love and respect, that he is loved and he is loved, that he himself also loves all his relatives - this is also a big plus and happiness that you have the opportunity to maintain these relationships! yes, children can also miss their parents during a long separation and this is also normal - these stays and overnight stays are good as long as it brings pleasure and comfort to the child himself, but when there is a desire to be with parents, to feel their warmth and care, then such a refusal will be more painful - sometimes there are cases (for example, with the illness of a younger child) - when there may be a need to part with parents and family - but then it is important for him to explain how many days you will be away, when you will call and why you are taking him away - "so that do not infect" - call and chat! the most important thing in extended families is to maintain this balance - and so that there is communication with older relatives (contact is very important for children and this contact is very interesting for them) and with parents and brothers and sisters. Relationships between brothers also need to be built - not just a physical presence next to each other, but to explain to both of them and help find solutions together - to understand the connection between them! and there may be a completely different question - how comfortable are these separations for you - since this is also your family - if there is a need to be together and more often - visit - if the child asks and you can allow him to do this - let him - on the contrary, this will help him form a more complete a sense of security, a sense of trust! Olga, if you have any more questions and you want to discuss them and really understand the situation - you can feel free to contact me - call - I will only be happy to help you!

Hello Olga! You subtly feel the mood of the child, that it is very important for him to be with his parents. Probably, it is not necessary for "educational purposes" to torture a child and leave him with his grandmothers. You have to trust yourself and your feelings. At this age, contact with parents and especially with mother is very important for a child. When he is ready, he will tell you about it. Then he might be interested in visiting his grandparents. Then you'll have to go to him with it. In order not to infect a child with an infectious disease, hygiene measures are sufficient. Separate dishes, ventilation of the premises, and most importantly, maintenance Have a good mood. Then one child does not necessarily get infected from another. Excessive worry about this can only aggravate the situation. After all, your anxiety is involuntarily transmitted to the child. A psychological anxiety sooner or later passes into the physical.

A clear age when a mother can leave, experts call only approximately. To decide whether to leave the baby, you need to keep in mind 2 rules.

The less time a baby spends without a mother in the first year of life, the easier it is for him to let go of her, becoming older.

Up to eight months (and ideally, up to a year), it is better for a baby not to be left without a mother for more than a few hours. At the same time, it is extremely important that in your absence he is in his usual environment and with a well-known person.

According to the American psychoanalyst Eric Erickson, before the age of one, children form the so-called "basic trust in the world." What does "basic" mean? That it is the foundation for developing a child's sense of security, trust and confidence that nothing bad will happen to him. Children who have received enough attention and manifestations of love from their mother in the first year of life become more independent after that. The world does not collapse with the mother's departure, anxiety does not increase, they are sure that she will definitely return.

Check what type of attachment is formed in the baby. If this is a healthy attachment, feel free to leave. You have nothing to fear. If the type of attachment is painful - do not rush.

The term "attachment" was coined by John Bowlby, an English psychoanalyst and family therapist. Attachment is the relationship between mother and child based on the fact that the mother satisfies the baby's need for love and security. If this is achieved, this type of relationship is called a "healthy attachment." If for some reason the baby does not receive what is necessary from the mother, he develops a “painful attachment”.

How do you know what type of attachment your child has developed?

You just need to leave for a few hours and carefully observe how the baby reacted to your departure. The fact is that almost all children cry when their mother leaves. Any child psychologist tell you that this behavior is normal. And here is how the child will greet you and help you determine the type of attachment.

Healthy attachment. The kid is always happy with his mother, he can cry when parting with her, and is happy when she returns. At the same time, if the mother leaves, the child is quite easily distracted by other things.

Painful attachment. When the mother returns home, the child either ignores her arrival, or begins to take revenge (bites, pinches, is rude).

What if this is your case?

Don't be scared, because secure attachment develops in time, and now the moment has simply not come when the baby can calmly let you go.

- Do not scold the baby for tears, and do not inspire him that he is doing wrong.

- Try to figure out what is the reason for his behavior and pay attention to the following points: are you taking care of the baby too much; do you neglect his interests; whether you are consistent in your upbringing (for example, do you always react the same way to the same behavior).

Here is a list of external conditions to take into account:

Arguments for:

- You have an adult who is reliable, well known and loved by the child, who is ready to stay with him for the duration of your vacation. Ideally, this is a relative with whom the baby lives or has already stayed more than once, and these meetings brought pleasure to both.

- You have the opportunity to leave the baby in the apartment where he lives (on "his" territory).

The child already knows how to speak and express his feelings, he can talk to you on the phone or on Skype.

You have already left the baby for a while, and when you returned, he happily ran to you, hung himself around your neck, and told you how he spent his time.

You are tired and exhausted, you feel that you are about to “break loose” if you miss now the chance to take a break from the family hustle and bustle.

Arguments against:

You are breastfeeding or you stopped breastfeeding less than 2 months ago (mom's departure and weaning at the same time is too stressful).

The child is not yet 1.5 years old. From this moment on, he has a desire for independence, and parting becomes somewhat less painful for him. At this age, it is already possible to explain to him that his parents will return, that they will not leave him forever.

When you return to the child after a short absence, he ignores you or "revenges" - bites, rushes.

You are so attached to the child yourself that you cannot lie on the beach for an hour without worrying that the wrong diapers will be bought for him. If you have not yet left, you feel a huge sense of guilt at the mere thought of leaving the baby.

The child does not know well the person with whom you are going to leave him. Ideally, at least a month should have passed since they started talking.

Your baby's behavior changes a lot in your absence. He becomes aggressive, or whiny, or, which may not immediately be evident, on the contrary, “freezes” and sits in the corner for hours. If your departure coincides with the period of the age crisis of the child (for example, the crisis of 3 years), it is undesirable to leave the child.

A newborn baby needs a mother around the clock, because he may need something at any time. However, gradually the child grows up, becomes more independent, he has his own interests, even if it's just a new car or bright cubes. By this time, parents begin to gradually get tired of their duties and the huge responsibility associated with the appearance of the baby. A small vacation spent just by the two of you could be a great solution, but moms and dads are afraid to leave the baby.

Rambler/Family finds out at what age a child can be left in the care of a grandmother or a nanny.

Analyzing the situation

Of course, each child is individual: until the age of three or four, someone cannot spend even an hour without a mother, and someone from the age of six months feels quite well in the company of other adults. Even among specialists in the field of child psychology, there is no consensus on the age at which a relatively long separation from parents can be safe for a baby.

Therefore, in order to understand whether such a separation would not be too strong a blow for a fragile child's psyche, Olga Kuznetsova, a psychologist at the Yauza Clinical Hospital, advises taking into account several key factors. An important question is whether breastfeeding has been discontinued.

“It is believed that separation from a child who stopped breastfeeding less than two months ago can negatively affect his emotional state: the simultaneous departure of the mother and weaning is too serious a change for the baby. These two events can intertwine in the mind of the child and negatively affect the development of his personality in the future.

However, even a baby who has been formula-fed from birth can experience serious problems when separated from his mother - this depends on the type of attachment that he has formed in relation to her. To define it, psychologist Olga Kuznetsova believes, is quite simple: “If a child is upset when his mother leaves, but at the same time he knows how to occupy himself during her absence and enjoys returning, this means that he has formed a healthy attachment and there are no pathologies in their relationship. If the baby is hysterical when he sees that his mother is going, cannot find a place for himself without her, and at the next meeting he behaves aggressively and vindictively - this is a reason to think that something is going wrong. Perhaps the child feels excessive maternal care and feels insecure without her.

We create favorable conditions

child with mom

Even if, after looking closely at your baby, you realize that he gets along well with other adults and does not feel a painful need for the constant presence of his mother, the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bgoing on vacation together will require some preparation. First of all, you need to decide on a suitable candidate for a person who will be ready to take responsibility and stay with the child for the period of your trip.

It needs to be devoted in as much detail as possible to all the features of the daily regimen and the behavior of the baby. Tell your grandmother or nanny how your day with your baby is built: what time does he wake up, when and what does he eat, what does he usually do in the morning and afternoon, what time does he go to bed and how long does he sleep during the day, where and how long do you usually walk, how your evening bath and bedtime is going on - all these details can play a role important role is to provide the child with the usual comfortable life in your absence.

Do not forget to also instruct your "deputy" on how to behave in force majeure situations - if the child has a fever, an allergy, or he is just naughty and does not want to go to bed.

If you plan for a nanny, grandmother or other relative to move in with you during your absence, then the child will not have to get used to the new place. If the child goes to new house, then think in advance about the adaptation of the baby himself to the conditions in which he will spend a week or more. In the time remaining before your vacation, try to visit more often so that the child gets used to the new place properly. Some experts prefer this option, because at home the baby may feel the absence of parents more acutely, while in a different environment he will remember them less often.

Travel and return

So, the suitcases are packed, the grandmother (or nanny), instructed and armed with all the necessary equipment, is ready to devote herself completely to the baby during your absence, and the child himself plays happily in her arms. You just have to get to the place to spend a few unforgettable days together.

For a complete vacation, it is better to choose a place where you can relax, unwind, and actively relax at the same time - that is, cover all possible impressions. In Florence, for example, you will find echoes of a great past, harmony and tranquility of quiet European streets, noisy fun in central institutions and, of course, romance - here it is literally in the air. In a week, you will not only have time to visit all the museums of the capital of Tuscany, but also enjoy each other's company - as if you had a second honeymoon.

Of course, parents, having been separated from the baby for the first time for a long time, will feel some anxiety and anxiety. However, try to still limit yourself to one or two communication sessions a day with your family: this will not create an unnecessary burden on the baby’s psyche, forcing him to more often remember that you are not around, and you yourself will be able to relax and unwind - in the end, because that's what it was all about. Make time for each other and enjoy the new environment and vivid impressions.

But upon returning home, be ready to begin your duties with renewed vigor. To them may be added the need to restore weakened contact with the child. Psychologist, consultant of the Pomogatel.ru service for finding nannies, head of the studio personal development“Lada” Marina Smovzh notes: “The first thing parents may face is the distrust of the baby. Mom and dad will have to restore it. To use a metaphor, this work of restoring trust can be compared to repaying a loan - you will have to repay not only the debt, but also the interest on it. In other words, get ready to give more to your child.”

The first time I left my daughter with my mother was when she was three weeks old. I urgently needed to get to the accounting department, my daughter stayed with her mother for 3 hours. My daughter has been on willows since birth, my milk came on the 9th day after giving birth, there was little milk, for some reason with a blue tint. My daughter did not want to accept my milk, although I did not smoke, I tried correctly. When my daughter was 4 months old, I went to work part-time, there were financial difficulties, I left at 10 am and came back at 5 pm. My mother or husband was with my daughter. I worked 2 through 2. When my daughter was 6 months old, I stopped working. When my daughter was seven months old, I found out that I was pregnant with my second child. Financial position the family is good, we decided to give birth to the second. My mother always helps me, when she found out about the pregnancy, she began to spend all her free time with us. Yes, and we brought our daughter from the maternity hospital to my parents and lived there until our daughter was 4 months old. In general, the daughter loves her grandmother and I trust her. Now my daughter is a year old. From the age of 8 she stays overnight with my parents three times a week. Moreover, my mother insists, and I am pregnant, there was a threat of interruption. I myself often stay with my parents, my husband works 6 days a week, plus he has night shifts every two days. In general, what is the essence of my question: my husband had a day off, we left our daughter with my grandmother, in the evening I wanted to take a little walk to get some air. On the street we met my father-in-law, he was very unhappy that I was leaving my daughter with my grandmother, he said that the child was small and I was not acting wisely. I can say one thing about my father-in-law, he is a very strange person, I did nothing wrong, a decent girl, my husband and I have been together for 5 years, of which 3 years we have been married, we have a mortgage apartment. He didn’t like me, I didn’t even come to the wedding, I wasn’t at the discharge. I have a normal relationship with my mother-in-law, but she sees her granddaughter less often than my mother, she rarely visits us, her husband says she doesn’t let me go anywhere. We recently visited, where my father-in-law began to scold me again about the fact that I was leaving the child to my mother, which is very early, my husband defended me, as a result they quarreled. I love my daughter, I take care of her. Just after these reproaches, I began to think that I was bad. But it's not. My mother is full of inertia, she says do not pay attention to the words of the father-in-law, if you did something wrong in relation to the child, I would have told you this long ago. My daughter is developing according to her age. Maybe the father-in-law is right. In short, I became very driven about this. The husband says to put it out of his head, that his father says all this just to hurt me. Girls, when did you first leave your children with their grandmothers? Are there any mothers like me? Who can entrust their treasure to grandmothers?