Robert T. Bayard, Jean Bayard

Your troubled teenager

A practical guide for desperate parents

To the reader

Four years have passed since the publication of the first edition of the book by Robert and Jean Bayard in Russian. Over the years, a lot has changed in our life. Some problems disappear without a trace, others, new problems have appeared. There is, however, a certain circle of "eternal" human concerns that remain in our life, no matter what happens around. These are parent-child relationships, difficulties and conflicts. In this sense, the book by R. and J. Bayard, addressed to parents, cannot become outdated: there will always be families with teenage children, and there will always be those among them where the parents "have reached the knot" and no longer know what to do with their "restless" teenagers ", and will there ever be an end to all this" family hell ".

There are different books for parents. From some you can learn a lot, they broaden your horizons, enrich you with information from philosophy, psychology, pedagogy, medicine. However, often such knowledge cannot find direct practical application in your relationship with children. After reading these books, you will learn how parents should relate to certain family situations.

But what are you going to do with your son (your daughter) today?

As a rule, there is no answer to this question in such books.

There are, however, books for parents of a completely different kind. These books can be called a kind of "know-how" (from the English "I know how"). They contain not only information-knowledge, but also information that organizes your behavior, your communication, your life.

Such books (and they are usually called how-to guides) are quite rare. Writing a practical guide is much more difficult than a regular book; for it to be realistic and effective, a large, generalized and in a certain way systematized practical experience is required.

Lucky for you, you are holding in your hands this practical guide to improving communication between parents and teenagers.

It is impossible, and in our opinion, unnecessary to retell the contents of the book in a short preface by the translator. To get an idea of ​​it, just look at the page where its table of contents is presented. However, there are several important considerations that should nevertheless precede your acquaintance with this book.

The first consideration. The book by R. and J. Bayard is a psychotechnical know-how. Such practical guidance should not be confused with a different type of know-how. When you use, for example, the instruction manual for a VCR or a cookbook, then such “know-how” helps you to make certain, as a rule, expedient changes in the external world of things around you. At first glance, psychotechnical guidance also tells you what to do and how to do it outwardly, with other people. In reality, however, it is primarily intended to transform your own inner world. Psychotechnical know-how is a practical guide to self-change! Here, of course, you ask: “Why should I change when my son should change? My daughter?"

This is where our second consideration should be expressed. The answer to your perplexed question is paradoxical, but very simple: according to the concepts of modern psychology and psychotherapy, in order to change another person, you must accept him as he is - and as, apparently, you cannot yet accept him. That is, for the success of influencing another, you first need to change yourself! “By changing myself, I change others” - this is the credo of the authors of the book. They address this book to the desperate parents of "restless" teenagers who have already tried all the means. In, as it turns out, there is one more remedy. And this, not yet tested by you, a tool (as you can see for yourself, after working for some time with this practical guide) has a very strong and beneficial effect. And finally, the third consideration.

My personal experience as a counselor psychologist shows that patience is not a common parenting virtue ... We tend to want to make immediate positive changes in our children. Miracles, of course, do happen, but they are extremely rare; usually it takes effort, perseverance, everyday and sometimes rather painstaking work, returns and repetitions, movement step by step, etc. The road will be mastered by the walker ...

Your problems with your children have been building up over the years; and although it is possible to overcome the difficulties that have arisen, but ... only not in one or two days, but at least in one or two months of serious work under the guidance of the authors of the book.

Concluding this short address to you, parent-reader, I would like to wish you confidence in the authors of the book, critical attitude towards yourself, perseverance in achieving your goals and - at least a little sense of humor. I am quite confident that these qualities, combined with the experience of Robert and Jean Bayard, will provide a miracle in your detached family.

With the kindest parting words, Candidate of Psychological Sciences A. B. Orlov

Foreword

If you are feeling anxious or anxious about your teenage child, then we are delighted to meet you and offer you this book as a tool to ease your burden.

Don't feel lonely: Thousands of parents are going through many of the same problems, and it is very likely that some of them - your neighbors and friends - are just around the corner. You may not even know that you are in such a large company: in our society, a parent is supposed to feel a sense of shame when a son or daughter skips school, or gets drunk, or otherwise misbehaves; therefore, even friends are not inclined to talk about children's misconduct and related experiences. Showing you their favor, they can still ask when they meet: "Well, how are the children?" - however, your answer, as a rule, boils down to talking about the socially acceptable behavior of children, and by no means about disobedience, skirmishes, returning home at night, missing classes. For a parent, letting negative facts become known is like receiving a negative assessment. Everyone you know has the same fears, so everyone chooses to remain silent, experiencing alone feelings of loneliness and despair.

We, Bob and Jean Bayard, have gone through it all ourselves and therefore we have a special interest in situations in which parents feel like they are under siege. It is extremely important for us which of the two paths you get out of them. You almost certainly think that the problem lies in your child's behavior, and its solution is to somehow change the child, make him behave differently; however, you will be just as likely to deal with the problem before you if you look at it as an opportunity to change something in your own life, expand its boundaries, and learn to take better care of it. In this book, we'll show you how to walk the second path for the benefit of you and your child.

We did not always feel as confident as we do now, did not know how to cope with conflict situations. We raised five children and during this time we have done almost everything (both reasonable and stupid) that we talk about in the book. About the same that our children did, let them themselves someday tell. Respecting their right to privacy, we will describe only what we ourselves have lived and experienced, faced, like the parents we consulted, with the widest palette of children's behavior, which has colored our lives with experiences for many years.

When we raised our first two children almost to adulthood, it seemed to us that we still had a lot of unspent feelings of father and mother. (Or maybe we wanted to prove also that we can be good parents and, therefore, standing people?) With a sense of joy and a sense of new horizons, we accepted three more children from Korea into the family; one of them was eleven, and the other two were five years old. By the time all five of them grew up and became ready for independent life, we already had an uninterrupted thirty-year practice of raising children.

Your troubled teenager

Robert T. Bayard, Jean Bayard
Your troubled teenager
A practical guide
for the desperate
parents
Translated from the Andean by A. B. Orlov
TABLE OF CONTENTS
To the reader
Foreword
Chapter 1
Putting the problem in perspective 5
Chapter 2
Letting your child take responsibility for his own life 13
Two habits to change - Your list of issues affecting your child's life and your own life - Taking responsibility for your child's own life - How your child might react
Chapter 3
Why is it so hard
transfer responsibility to the child 25
Some Outdated Ideas Good Parents Can Hold - How These Ideas Can Harm Parent-Child Relationships - Manifestation parental love by: 1) providing a role model and 2) encouraging decision-making ability - Steps to be taken to move in this direction
Chapter 4
How is your child
can react to it all 34
Typical Reactions - The desire and fear of freedom in children - How you and your child behave in situations of conflict - Provoking negative parental attention and how to respond to it
Chapter 5
Taking responsibility
in my own life 42
Teaching devotion to your inner self - Improving your speech - Practicing spontaneous behavior - The most important thing you can do for yourself and your child
Chapter 6
Getting Ready to Resist 52
Leaving the weak-willed attitude behind - The strength of your attitude - Equal relationships - Your rights and belief in the need to take care of them - Fear of confrontation - Openness
Chapter 7
Let's try to eliminate everything that provokes and supports
parenting problems 61
Problems that may worry you and how to change your tactics - Lies - Theft - Swearing .. - If your child is abusing favors
Chapter 8
How to Stand Up for Yourself 75
Affirming that what you want is fair - Firm versus pressure - A three-pronged sentence to help you get your way
Chapter 9
We continue to insist on our 87
Moving from words to action - How to become more spontaneous - Building trust - Resolving remaining issues that directly affect your life - Parental strike
Chapter 10
Looking Ahead 103
Results that you will see in the future - You
and your child in the future
Appendix A Questions Parents Ask
Appendix B A few cases from the practice of counseling parents
Gene and Bob Bayard have been working together for almost half a century. As psychologists, they are doing collaborative clinical practice in California. Raised five children; when their youngest child turned eighteen years old, they had thirty-two years of continuous experience in raising children. By this time on your personal experience they have experienced most of the problems discussed in this book. Gene, a psychotherapist, specializes in helping women reach their full potential. She also writes books, is deeply involved in philosophy, participates in the Greenpeace environmental movement and supports any sincere concern for people and the world around them. Bob, a physicist by training, at one time supervised research and development work in the field of technology. He worked in Thailand for a year as a UN expert on technical assistance. In 1975, at the age of fifty-five, he received his second Ph.D., this time in psychology, and has been working as a psychotherapist since then, specializing in family and married couples.
TO THE READER
Four years have passed since the publication of the first edition of the book by Robert and Jean Bayardov in Russian. Over the years, a lot has changed in our life. Some problems disappeared without a trace, others, new problems appeared. There is, however, a certain circle of "eternal" human concerns that remain in our life, no matter what happens around. These are parent-child relationships, difficulties and conflicts. In this sense, the book by R. and J. Bayard, addressed to parents, cannot become outdated: there will always be families with teenage children, and there will always be those among them where the parents "get to the handle" and no longer know what to do with their "restless" teenagers, and will there ever be an end to all this "family hell".
There are different books for parents. From some you can learn a lot, they broaden your horizons, enrich you with information from philosophy, psychology, pedagogy, medicine. However, often such knowledge cannot find direct practical application in your relationship with children. After reading these books, you will learn how parents should relate to certain family situations. But what are you going to do with your son (your daughter) today? As a rule, there is no answer to this question in such books.
There are, however, books for parents of a completely different kind. These books can be called a kind of "know-how" (from the English "I know how"). They contain not only information-knowledge, but also information that organizes your behavior, your communication, your life.
Such books (and they are usually called how-to guides) are quite rare. Writing a practical guide is much more difficult than a regular book; for it to be realistic and effective, a large, generalized and in a certain way systematized practical experience is required.
Lucky for you, you are holding in your hands this practical guide to improving communication between parents and teenagers.
It is impossible, and in our opinion, unnecessary to retell the contents of the book in a short preface by the translator. To get an idea of ​​it, just look at the page where its table of contents is presented. However, there are several important considerations that should nevertheless precede your acquaintance with this book.
The first consideration. The book by R. and J. Bayard is a psychotechnical "know-how". Such practical guidance should not be confused with a different type of know-how. When you use, for example, the instruction manual for the video recorder or a cookbook, then such "know-how" helps you to make certain, as a rule, expedient changes in the external world of things around you. At first glance, psychotechnical guidance also tells you what to do and how to do it outwardly, with other people. In reality, however, it is primarily intended to transform your own inner world. Psychotechnical "know-how" is a practical guide to self-change! Here, of course, you ask: "Why should I change when my son should change? My daughter?"
This is where our second consideration should be expressed. The answer to your perplexed question is paradoxical, but very simple: according to the concepts of modern psychology and psychotherapy, in order to change another person, you must accept him as he is and as, apparently, you cannot yet accept him. That is, for the success of influencing another, you first need to change yourself! "Changing myself, changing others" is the credo of the authors of the book. They are addressing this book to the desperate, who have already tried, I would, I would say, all the means to the parents of "restless" teenagers. But, as it turns out, there is one more remedy. And this, not yet tested by you, a tool (as you can see for yourself, after working for some time with this practical guide) has a very strong and beneficial effect.
And finally, the third consideration. My personal experience as a counselor psychologist shows that patience is not a common parenting virtue ... We tend to want to make immediate positive changes in our children. Miracles, of course, do happen, but they are extremely rare; usually it takes effort, perseverance, everyday and sometimes rather painstaking work, returns and repetitions, movement step by step, etc. The road will be mastered by the walking ... Your problems in relations with children have been developing over the years; and although it is possible to overcome the difficulties that have arisen, but ... only not in one or two days, but at least one or two months of serious work under the guidance of the authors of the book.
Concluding this short address to you, parent-reader, I would like to wish you confidence in the authors of the book, critical attitude towards yourself, perseverance in achieving your goals and - at least a little sense of humor. I am quite confident that these qualities, combined with the experience of Robert and Jean Bayard, will provide a miracle in your single family.
With the kindest parting words
PhD in Psychology
and the translator of this book
A. B. Orlov
To our beloved
Elsa Holverda, Gerhardus Holverda,
Mary Bayard, Thomas Bayard
and children
Dona Sauerburger, David Bayard,
Bernard Bayard,
Thomas Bayard, Linda Isley
Foreword
If you are feeling anxious or anxious about your teenage child, then we are delighted to meet you and offer you this book as a tool to ease your burden.
Don't feel lonely: Thousands of parents are going through many of the same problems, and it is very likely that some of them - your neighbors and friends - are just around the corner. You may not even know that you are in such a large company: in our society, a parent is supposed to feel a sense of shame when a son or daughter skips school, or gets drunk, or otherwise misbehaves; therefore, even friends are not inclined to talk about children's misconduct and related experiences. Showing you their favor, they can still ask when they meet: "Well, how are the children?" - however, your answer, as a rule, boils down to talking about the socially acceptable behavior of children, and by no means about disobedience, skirmishes, returning home at night, missing classes. For a parent, letting negative facts become known is the same as receiving a negative rating. Everyone you know has the same fears, so everyone prefers to be silent, experiencing alone feelings of loneliness and despair.
We, Bob and Jean Bayard, have gone through it all ourselves and therefore we have a special interest in situations in which parents feel like they are under siege. It is extremely important for us which of the two paths you get out of them. You almost certainly think that the problem lies in your child's behavior, and its solution is to somehow change the child, make him behave differently; however, you will be just as likely to deal with the problem before you if you look at it as an opportunity to change something in your own life, expand its boundaries, and learn to take better care of it. In this book, we'll show you how to walk the second path for the benefit of you and your child.
We did not always feel as confident as we do now, did not know how to cope with conflict situations. We raised five children and during this time we have done almost everything (both reasonable and stupid) that we talk about in the book. About the same that our children did, let them themselves someday tell. Respecting their right to privacy, we will describe only what we ourselves have lived and experienced, faced, like the parents we consulted, with the widest palette of children's behavior, which has colored our lives with experiences for many years.
When we raised our first two children almost to adulthood, it seemed to us that we still had a lot of unspent feelings of father and mother. (Or maybe we also wanted to prove that we can be good parents and, therefore, worthwhile people?) With a sense of joy and a sense of new horizons, we adopted three more children from Korea into the family; one of them was eleven, and the other two were five years old. By the time all five of them grew up and became ready for independent life, we already had an uninterrupted thirty-year practice of raising children.
Throughout this time, our parenting experience has been a combination of ups and downs. There were times when the kids were "great," and then we felt great too. At other times they did what this book is about, and then we were really unhappy: resentful, angry, trapped. Each incident of this kind caused deep and very unpleasant experiences in us.
To Bob, they meant something like this:
Something is wrong with me.
I cannot develop a good and close relationship with my children.
They don't see me as a person.
For Jean, these were feelings of guilt and fear:
I must be bad person.
I have to devote my whole life to children. Instead, I work at school or do some part-time work.
Thus, I deprive the children, which is why they do not behave the way they should.
For a long time we were ashamed of all these experiences and suffered one by one. Much later, an understanding came: all these are just erroneous stereotypes of thinking, although they enslaved, in our opinion, many parents, but nevertheless they are quite amenable to alteration.
To help ourselves overcome the difficulties that we had to experience in raising children, we tried everything we could find and in which we saw at least some hope.
We read books about parenting. Some of them were very good. However, most of the books did not touch upon the experiences of guilt that tormented us at all, they only talked about what parents should do for their children, and we became more and more convinced that our lives in themselves did not mean anything at all.
For years we have taken children to expensive psychotherapy sessions. Perhaps this helped in some way, but the main and obvious result for us was the following: our children gradually began to believe that they were "patients", something was wrong with them, and every time they got together achieve anything in their life, they need help. We were so ashamed of our appeals to consultants for help that we never told our relatives and friends about it.
We have completed a special training course based on the book by Dr. Thomas Gordon "Parent Effectiveness Training". Here for the first time we felt real help... This course marked the beginning of our formation as equal members of our own family and allowed us to see interesting, reasonable and responsible people in children. We studied psychology family life and psychotherapy at the university, graduated in psychology.
We started working as professional counselors for families (teenagers and their parents) in crisis situations. By now, we have dealt with many hundreds of resentful, rebellious, angry, depressed or stubborn teenagers and many hundreds of their usually desperate parents. Much of what we had to deal with was familiar from our own personal experience, and we felt that we could understand the problems and concerns of our clients.
As we dealt with crisis situations in families, we noticed that it was the parents who began to feel anxious when the family affairs deteriorated. It is extremely rare for the adolescents themselves to turn to us for help. Usually they did this in order, for example, to get rid of addiction to drugs or alcohol, but very, very few asked for help to free themselves from bad company, the habits of lying, stealing, skipping school, running away from home, etc. e. When children committed such offenses, it was the parents who felt despair and called for help.
That is why we are addressing this book to parents.
We thought, worked, suffered, and coped with difficulties as best we could while raising our five children. We have gone through all the culminations of despondency and hope, hostility and glee, helplessness and triumph. All our problems and related experiences especially intensified, literally reached their climax when each of our children became a teenager. Then it seemed -? it is impossible to live like this any longer.
But one day - and this is one of the hopes that we would like to plant in the heart of every parent - our struggle began to weaken. We noticed (at first only from time to time) that it actually became easier for us to communicate and live with children. Humorous notes permeated our relationship; what the children said or did sometimes amazed us with their humanity and full of such pathos that we began to understand them and could not hide our smiles, even if we were worried and shook our heads disapprovingly. The pleasant moments that pleasantly surprised us began to happen more and more often; children in different ways, but each time meaningfully made it clear that they love us; each of them did something good and worthy, which parents are usually proud of. And we finally felt in complete harmony with our children.
At first, we assumed that all this is happening because the children have finally matured. They have changed, of course; but only later did we realize that not only they became different, but also ourselves. Our children have always been obedient and obsequious, and kind and obnoxious, and caring and selfish. As they matured, of course, they changed a lot, but as our attitude towards them improved, we gradually stopped expecting or wanting anything from children (which, by the way, they contributed in one way or another). At the same time, children acted as our patient teachers, doing everything to deliver, free us from these expectations and give us the opportunity to enjoy them as they are. We owe a lot to this joint development of ours, without which we would have lived our whole life with our own, perhaps comfortable, but at the same time very inert parental prejudices. Children helped us open new horizons and enter a wider world.
The main thing that this book can do, in our opinion, is to induce you, as a parent, to see both in a specific problem and in your relationship with the child as a whole not so much evidence of some flaws or mistakes of the child as an influence that prompts you to development and change and at the same time giving you the opportunity to do so. In spite of the heartache, you may even hail this problem as one of those challenges that your own life, not your child, is throwing at you.
Without pretending, of course, that we have exhaustive "answers" for how to resolve each specific situation, we, however, have a large practical experience and have repeatedly had the opportunity to observe the states of happiness and responsibility of both parents and children. Based on this experience, we can tell you what we would most likely try to do if we were in your shoes. We are convinced that the approach we propose (if, of course, you follow it) can lead to a significant and positive change in your relationship with your child.
It will probably be difficult at times, even unbearable.
It will require some changes in your way of thinking.
It can also have an uplifting effect, bringing you a sense of progress and liberation.
We suggest that you start by spending a couple of evenings reading this book. In a relaxed environment, try to read it from cover to cover - in the main text, exercises, and examples - so that you can get a sense of its overall mood, which will give you hope and a sense that everything will be fine. Then go back to the beginning of the book and study its contents step by step. We advise you to work on the book sequentially, since you should only do what is said at the end of the manual after having mastered and worked through its earlier sections, which will allow you to create some groundwork or foundation.
Finally, be kind and condescending to yourself. You can well count on our understanding if you are not able to do something that we advise you in the book, because we also did not succeed in many things during those crises that happened with our children. If we had to go through all this again and we knew what we know now, we would no doubt follow our recommendations. However, we had to learn from our own experience - and this is not an easy teaching. In the course of it, many mistakes were made. We tried to forgive ourselves for these flaws. We hope that you too will forgive yourself for everything that you cannot do; and what you succeed, let it give you confidence. After reading this book, we wanted you to become at least a little more yourself, to be more capable of creativity and change than before.
Chapter 1 Putting the Problem in Perspective
Your problem with your child - Your concerns about it - The positive aspect of these experiences - What you can achieve by reading this book - First step: encourage and support ourselves
It has come for you hard time... You are upset, worried, maybe even angry about the way your teenager is behaving.
In the eyes of the world, your problem may seem private, personal, and very insignificant.
Jody doesn't seem to have any self-confidence at all.
She spends most of the time in her room, and during dinner she has to work hard to talk to us.
But it can be so significant that others - the school, the police - are involved in its solution.
Dan was arrested by the police for driving someone else's car without permission.
In any case, for you all such situations seem significant, making you worry about how it all ends, what he or she will do next time; and perhaps wonder how you yourself will live with this person until he or she reaches adulthood.
What is happening in your family may resemble any of the following experiences that concerned parents told us about in their complaints:
Tom (14) * steals our money, liquor, Jewelry.
* Hereinafter, the age of the child is indicated in parentheses. transl.
Jan (13) spends all her time away from home and may not even come overnight if she wants to.
He (17) doesn't want to do anything around the house. He makes a mess in the room, in the kitchen, everywhere and is not going to clean up after himself.
I know Linda (14) smokes marijuana.
She (12) contacted guys who are much older than her; they don't know what to do and they just hang around like real vagrants.
Ann (16) has already had two abortions. Now she has become pregnant for the third time.
Jerry (14) joined the Boy Scouts, but as soon as I paid for his uniform, he left the organization.
Lying is what I can't stand. I can't believe anything that Karen (14) claims to be true.
Maurice (15) does not want to go to school and has had several weeks of absences over the past two years.
Meredith (12) was arrested for shoplifting.
Dona (17) always wants to be alone. She sits alone for hours in her room.
He (16) does not want to be a member of our family. He doesn't want to go anywhere with us and usually doesn't even want to talk to any of us.
My son (14) ran away from home, he stayed with his friend for six days.
Dave (13) swears. He calls me words that no boy dares even utter in the presence of his mother.
All this naturally scares parents, as it means the following to them:
My son or my daughter is getting worse
and
I ended up bad parent,
and also maybe:
My baby doesn't love me
People will know about my fiasco.
He got the better of me.
I am doomed to live like this with this person for another three years (or five, or seven years), and there is no way out of this situation.
In addition to experiencing all of these painful thoughts, you may feel completely overwhelmed because it may feel like there is nothing you can do about the situation. You've probably tried everything you could think of yourself, and only found that none of the remedies are long enough.
Have you tried to discipline your son or daughter:
Okay, now you have to sit at home.
You did it again, so now you will be sitting at home all summer!
Or you tried to use "rewards":
I'll give you five dollars if you never miss school this week.
I'll let you go to the picnic ... if you change after school.
Or you used the usual requirements and orders for parents:
Annie, you have to go to school and do your homework. If you don’t do this, then you will not be able to get a decent job later, the job that you want to have.
It is wrong to steal, and you should not do it.
Don't you dare behave like that to your mother.
You may have tried strict supervision:
I'm going to wake you up at 6:30, then take you to school, drive you to your class, and pick you up immediately after class.

Jean and Bob Bayard are a married, clinical clinical practice psychotherapist in California with parents of five. Bob is a physicist, Doctor of Psychology, a UN expert, and a former head of research and development in the field of technology. Gene is a writer and member of the Greenpeace environmental movement.

Complexity of presentation

The target audience

Parents who face the challenges of parenting adolescents and who want to change themselves, ceasing to control their children and letting go of the situation.

The book provides many examples of how parents should behave in difficult relationships with teenagers. The authors clearly formulate step-by-step technology in restoring peace in the soul and in the family, and also describe ways to overcome problems. It is impossible to be a happy parent while you have to exercise tight control over the growing child, wait for respect and care in relation to yourself. The authors are convinced that consistency in actions and parental perseverance will ultimately be rewarded, and their recommendations will help in the future to resolve other family conflicts.

Reading together

Don't consider yourself a bad parent if your son or daughter is behaving inappropriately. They also have the right to be free, loved, but you are not slaves of children. You need to make a list of not the most pleasant actions of the child, analyze these points and compare them with the events in the life of the teenager and yours. The child must learn to control actions and events, and also to distinguish between what he is doing and what is in your area of ​​responsibility. You have the right to refuse to carry it for his personal items, you should entrust the decision-making to him.

Often, the child does not act to demonstrate hatred towards you, but to avoid making a decision, because he receives too much negative attention from you. But in fact, he needs care, approval, trust. The more you delegate the responsibility to him, the more bad behavior you will get in return. Children tend to provoke control back into their lives. Here it is necessary to refrain from manifesting the usual negative attention and remain calm, thinking about when a grown child can become responsible and independent. Any communication must be built in the form of an I-message, point to possible consequences and even admit parental helplessness. It is best to offer specific help or admit out loud that the teenager is capable of making a decision for himself.

As the points are worked out from the list, questions may remain on some of them. If they caused denial in you, you may have influenced your child's actions yourself. You - and you - statements can act as a provoking stimulus to incidents, and the manifestation of negative attention is a reinforcing stimulus.

The parent needs to take care of himself. Constant anxiety about your child's behavior indicates that you are not caring enough for your inner needs. You should listen to common sense and not be " good parent”, Depending emotionally on the children, and learning to hear the signals“ I feel ”,“ I want ”, etc.

Dangerous questions are checking whether the child is telling the truth or lying. It is better to use the I-statement in the form of a statement of the event or not ask questions at all for a week.

When there are difficulties in communicating with a child, you need to remember two important goals: to do everything to become happier yourself, and to be confident in the decency and responsibility of the teenager, not allowing emotions to prevail. The child is not a villain, follow positive attitudes, and everything will change.

Upholding parental rights entails tantrums, rudeness on the part of the child, he will try to return the relationship to its previous position. There is no need to be afraid of these skirmishes, be persistent, and they will become shorter and less frequent. This will give the child the opportunity to understand that you and he have equal rights.

Start defending rights if they are not respected. To do this, the authors propose to take five steps, until the last - parental strike - sometimes you may not get there, having solved all the problems at the first stages. It is necessary to select one item from the list, which concerns the life of the parent, and act.

Five steps:

1. It is necessary to establish how fair the claims are. It is important to be able to negotiate with the child when both of you are in a calm, welcoming mood. In the first two phrases, “I” should sound, in the third, “you” appears: express your dissatisfaction with the situation, explain how you would like to see it, and ask the child for help. If the child agrees, you can start a dialogue, if not, you should persistently seek consent. If the child still does not agree to negotiations, it is necessary to repeat the steps after a while.

2. Show persistence and perseverance. If the teenager did not meet halfway, you need to formulate an I-statement to reduce emotional stress, for example: "I want to ..." When talking with a child, start with "I understand that you ..." and end with "... and I want."

3. Repeat the second step many times if you are faced with the same problem, reinforcing success by trusting the teenager and the ability to talk to him about the experiences about the event, not his, but your life, using the three-term sentence from the second step.

4. Convince the child that you will get what you want. This is a kind of preparation for ultimatums or a strike. To do this, you should choose a frivolous situation, but one that arises too often and worries you. Then you have to come up with something weird that you can do when this situation repeats, and do it. You will receive incomparable pleasure from inner emancipation, and the child will see what you are capable of.

5. The manifestation of a parental strike can mean both an improvement in the relationship with the child, and vice versa. It's important to stay cool and start making partial demands.

The most important thing is to feel the joy that the child is finally making his own decisions.

Best Quote

“We believe we understand why the very discussion of giving your child the right to make mistakes can be so difficult and even intimidating to you. We think this is because you strive to be a good parent. "

What the book teaches

The child must control life himself without the participation of parents, since he is just as capable of making the right decision.

Children should understand that parents have exactly the same personal needs and rights, they are not obliged to provide them with a comfortable life.

The crisis in parent-child relationships is an excellent opportunity to change and develop them.

Many author's exercises and techniques help to establish contact with a rebellious son or daughter. It is recommended to reread the book at intervals of 1–3 months until the tension between the child and the parents disappears.

From the editorial board

How do you want to raise your children? Have you ever wondered what exactly you want to give them? If so, find out how to do right choice v difficult situations parenting, from an article by a psychologist and a mother of three Olga Yurkovskaya: .

The importance of physical contact and closeness with a child is described in detail in the book by Lyudmila Petranovskaya "Secret support: attachment in a child's life"). Read it with us, observe the "road map" of growing up using examples from literature, films, just from life, learn how a child turns from a baby into a teenager. It is attachment theory that allows you to accurately and deeply study childhood and the child's relationship with parents. Parents need to keep in mind the three main pillars of relationship with their child: to love him, to care for him and to guide him.

In 1975, at the age of fifty-five, he received his second Ph.D., this time in psychology, and since then ...

Gene and Bob Bayard have been working together for almost half a century. As psychologists, they are doing collaborative clinical practice in California. Raised five children; when their youngest child was eighteen years old, they had thirty-two years of continuous parenting experience. By this time, they had experienced most of the problems discussed in this book through personal experience.
Gene, a psychotherapist, specializes in helping women reach their full potential. She also writes books, is deeply involved in philosophy, participates in the Greenpeace environmental movement and supports any sincere concern for people and the world around them. Bob, a physicist by training, at one time supervised research and development work in the field of technology. As a UN expert on technical assistance, he worked in Thailand for a year.
In 1975, at the age of fifty-five, he received his second Ph.D., this time in psychology, and has been working as a psychotherapist since then, specializing in problems of families and couples.