Praise is a kind of art of education. It can be both "useful" and "harmful". A number of simple rules will help parents master this art. By mastering them, you can avoid many mistakes.

Exaggerated praise immediately wants to "put in place", to show their true nature.

Do not scatter undeserved praise right and left, trying to win over the child. Many parents talk about the fact that the result of such unjustified praise was the completely unbearable behavior of the offspring. The parents shrugged their shoulders, calling it a paradox. And this is what happens: children feel insincerity, they immediately want to “put in their place” exaggerated praise, to show their true nature. The child, as if feeling doubts whether he is so “wonderful, sweet, irreplaceable”, tries to refute the praise with his behavior.

But how to make praise sincere, appropriate, correctly understood? The first golden rule is that praise should be directed to the act of the child, and not to his personality! Examples of harmful praise can be: “You are such a wonderful daughter!”, “You are a real mother’s helper!”, “You are so kind and sympathetic, what would we do without you?” The child may feel anxiety - after all, he is far from being as perfect as they say about him. And there are two options here. First: most likely, the child, without waiting for "exposure", will himself prove his "not so ideal" nature by bad behavior. But the second option is also possible, when the child himself will cease to be sincere and will adapt to praise and prefer only those situations where you can show off only your most advantageous side. And listening to the endless exclamations of loving grandmothers: “What a wonderful child! Exceptional abilities! Well, smart!" - the kid runs the risk of growing up a narcissistic egocentric.

The child will appreciate sincere praise, and next time he will be sincerely glad to please you.

So, if you want to praise a child (for example, for a cleaned room), do not rush to exclaim, “You are my assistant, what a great job!” Just say with a smile: "The room is now clean, so nice to come here." Believe me, the child will appreciate it, and next time he will be sincerely glad to please you. And if, for example, you want to praise him for a beautiful drawing, then do not rush to conclusions like: “You are growing up with me as a real artist!” - the child may doubt or be upset if the next drawing does not come out so well. It is better to pay attention to the drawing itself, for example: “What a big house you drew, there are so many bright colors And don't forget about the animals. And what a tall tree - how many apples are on it! Thus, you will show a keen interest in the creativity of the baby, but avoid a "harmful" assessment of the child's personality.

You need to be able to build your comments in such a way that the child himself draws conclusions about his abilities. For example, if your son helped you move a heavy wardrobe, instead of saying “how strong you are”, you can say how heavy the wardrobe was, how difficult it was to move it, but together you managed. The child himself will draw conclusions: “So I am strong, I am needed!” Or, having assessed the child’s ability in versification, instead of “You will be a wonderful poet,” it’s better to tell him: “Your poem touched me very much.”

The child must realize that he himself is capable of many things by nature, without making any special efforts.

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The second golden rule - do not praise the child for natural things. Don't make something extraordinary out of his sociality. Psychotherapist Jean Ledloff explained this rule very well: “If a child has done something useful, for example, dressed himself, fed the dog, picked a bouquet of wild flowers, nothing can offend him more than expressing surprise at his social behavior. Exclamations like: “Oh, what a clever girl you are!”, “Look what he made, and even himself!” - imply that the sociality in the child is unexpected, unusual and unusual. The child must realize that he himself is capable of many things by nature, without making any special efforts. So is it worth confusing him with your misplaced praise?

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And finally third golden rule - do not express your approval in financial terms. You should not encourage helping with the housework or the creative activity of the baby with money. A person successfully does what he chooses sincerely, for internal reasons. If the child knows that payment will follow the action, then he will radically change the nature of his behavior - from “creative doing”, his activity will turn into “making money”.

Having mastered the art of praise, do not forget that a kind look, a gentle touch, hugs, games, communication are also important for a child - in a word, everything that the language of love and trust is based on.

Text: Irina Belomaz
The text is abbreviated

Parents influence their child through rewards and punishments. Thus, they show their attitude to the actions that the baby has committed. Encouraging children is enough effective method education, as a result of which the child has an incentive to behave well. If he did a good deed, do not forget to praise him. However, it is necessary to resort to encouragement in moderation, otherwise its excess can have a detrimental effect on the formation of a child as a person. Why encourage and how to praise a child?

Did the child do something good? So it needs to be encouraged. But how to do it right?

Praise and Punishment

On the advice of psychologists, it is often not worth praising a child, otherwise it can lead to the development of negative character traits, the baby can become capricious, selfish and infantile. There are mothers and fathers for whom encouragement and material reward are similar concepts. They seek to get children's obedience with the help of money. Rewarding has a strong influence on behavior and promotes the rapid acquisition of good skills by the baby. However, not all rewards will be beneficial, and not all punishments will be harmful.

In education, methods are not divided into good and bad, but are appropriate and inappropriate. There are two types of reward and punishment: material and psychological. Currently, preference is given to the material form of encouragement and punishment, i.e. "I will buy a toy - I will not buy a toy."

This is common both in the family and at school. Psychological methods are rarely used. They are characterized by the interaction and relationship of people who are characterized by the manifestation of approval (attention to the baby, empathy for him, support, faith, etc.) and punishment (sorrows, resentment, indifference, anger, in some cases anger). When applying psychological techniques, you will need to spend much more mental strength, as well as resort to acting. As A. S. Makarenko wrote, in order to become a teacher, you must be able to say the phrase “Come here” with 20 different intonations in your voice. If you use only material methods of encouragement and punishment, a person will grow up dependent, with low self-control, acting according to the situation: "They will punish - they will not punish." For a person brought up on psychological methods of influence, conscience will be the main factor controlling behavior.

psychological method punishment is the most difficult, because thanks to him the child must understand that he has committed a misdemeanor. And parents in this case need acting skills

From this we can conclude that praise can be both useful and harmful in the process of education. In order to avoid many mistakes, it is necessary to learn some simple rules through which you will learn how to properly apply the methods of encouragement.

How can you encourage a child?

There are many effective crumb approval methods for different situations. How to encourage a child in a family? Psychologists recommend the following forms of encouragement:

1. Usual praise. This is the best-known and widely used method in which influence is exerted through words. This means that if the baby behaved well, parents need to support him, praise him, approve his actions. Praise is comparable to the effect of a drug, since a child who is used to being praised will constantly feel the need for it. Too much praise can be harmful. The following restrictions must be observed:
   • do not praise the baby for his own achievements (for example, for beauty, health, intelligence, strength, etc.);
   • reward for one specific achievement only once;
   • do not praise the child out of pity;
   • do not encourage to please.
2. Weasel. That's enough too effective method, which is characterized by kisses, hugs, gentle stroking on the back and head. Sometimes they are more effective than simple words. These measures are usually used in the upbringing of young children.
3. Joint games and entertainment. This is a rather interesting method, which is usually resorted to if they want to get the baby to do something. For example, "we will go for a walk if you clean the room."
4. Removal of restrictions. When older children do good deeds, help adults, as a reward, you can expand their rights or remove prohibitions on certain actions. For example, if your child gets excellent grades at school, he can be allowed to go to bed an hour later.
5. Receiving a reward. Different toys, sweets or other rewards can help get children to do the right things. The disadvantage of this method is that often children begin to demand such rewards for every perfect deed.

Rewards such as money or candy can spoil a child. In the future, he will not want to do his duties just like that. And sweet in in large numbers generally harmful

To achieve better results, you need to apply different forms rewards. In this case, it is necessary to take into account the age of the baby and his psychological characteristics.

Parental Mistakes When Encouraging Children

It has already been said before that too much use of praise can negatively affect both the child and your relationship with him. Make sure you avoid the following mistakes when communicating with your baby:

1. It happens that because of the desire to leave a pleasant impression or to receive a reward, children are distinguished by good behavior only in the presence of other people. Most often, this is a consequence of excessive praise from parents or grandmothers: “You are the most beautiful in the world!”.
2. It happens that some children begin to manipulate adults. This happens through the fault of parents due to the frequent "bribery" of kids with various rewards for each perfect act. For example, when a child gave his toy to his brother or sister to play with, parents rush to reward him by buying him a new one.
3. Parents make a mistake when they praise their child and belittle the dignity of other children. For example: "You drew a car much better than Vanya." You should not do this, it will be more correct if you tell the baby that with each achievement he is becoming smarter and more experienced.

It is necessary to praise the child only for his actions, while it cannot be compared with other children. Even if the kid did not succeed very well, but he tried very hard, find a small reason to praise, maybe this time he wrote the exercise (albeit with errors), but in a more even handwriting?

How to reward a child for good behavior?

Encouragements must be correctly applied, and look sincere, otherwise the baby may not understand them correctly. How should a child be praised? Here are some tips to keep in mind when raising children:

1. Each praise the baby must deserve fairly. There is no need to praise him for the usual actions characteristic of his age: the kid put on a sweater or tied his shoes not for the first time. On the contrary, it is necessary to note his significant achievements: the baby brought a bag to his mother or beautifully drew a picture.
2. It will be better if you praise not the child himself, but his right deed. For example, if the baby has removed the toys in the room, you don’t need to say to him: “What a good girl you are.” Here it is preferable to say: “After you cleaned the room is much cleaner. It's so nice to be in it." A general phrase will also not work, for example: "What a beautiful drawing." Better focus on the details that you liked the most: beautiful flowers, funny bear cubs, etc.
3. Most often, children do not need praise or reward, it is more important for them to achieve satisfaction from the work done. In this case, parents need to express the feelings of the baby and support him in the pursuit of improvement. “I'm so glad you were able to learn to ride a bike. And you are very pleased. Now we can try to ride together.”

Surely, each family creates its own individual rules of encouragement and praise. It is important to remember that they contribute to strong relationships between family members and do not interfere with the upbringing of the child.

reward board

In the store now you can find an interesting set in the form of a board with cells and stars in the kit. There you need to enter the name of the baby and the duties that he must perform (make the bed, wash the dishes, clean the room, etc.). For each completed task, one star must be glued, and as a result of the work performed, the child must receive some kind of reward (negotiated in advance).

Some parents organize a to-do list for the child. If all items are completed at the end of the week (day, month), the child will be rewarded

This method is characterized by the following features:

• The method is well suited for children aged 3-10 years, but do not forget to take into account the individual characteristics of the child.
• Do not write more than 5 points on the board.
• In each paragraph, write down a specific action! Do not write: "behave well." Write specifically: "go to kindergarten”,“ go to bed in your crib”, “put away toys”.
• The method must have a positive motivation. If you stick a sticker, you can no longer take it away.
• Thanks to this method, the baby will not only have motivation, but also the opportunity to learn how to count and learn the days of the week.
• For fulfilling the duty at the end of each day, the child should receive his reward - an asterisk.
• At the end of the week, come up with an extra reward, like a walk in the park, a favorite cake, or something else. Emotions are much better than material things. If this is not possible, you can buy a Kinder.
• Such a board, for children over five years old, can turn into a family board. This game will help build relationships with children 7 years and older. For example, it will be interesting for a baby to watch dad's reading or mom's cooking (these points are not particularly significant), but for a child this is of great psychological importance. The prize, respectively, must also be a family one.
• It is better to engage in such a game 5 days a week, and on the weekends, treat the baby a little and still present a reward.

Is it possible to encourage a child with money?

Rewarding money, for example, for studies can harm the child. He will try to get more marks, but the quality of study in difficult subjects may decrease

As for the monetary method, there is an ambiguous opinion. Supporters this method they say that if you pay a child a small amount every week for good grades or for another act, then this encourages him to discipline. Opponents, on the contrary, believe that the receipt of money by the baby for everyday activities leads to the fact that he evaluates only the external result.

Some psychologists doubt the usefulness of monetary rewards. According to experts, children should do homework just like that. If you want to teach your kid how to manage finances, it is better to wait until he grows up a little. Schoolchild in lower grades You can already give some pocket money.

If the cash reward method does not work for you, parents with more experience are advised to replace it with an alternative method. For example, instead of coins, you can give out colored beads, beautiful buttons. You can develop your own payment system with the baby, where, for example, washed dishes will be equal to two buttons.

In order for the crumbs to have a desire to continue moving, in a week he must receive a very worthwhile reward. The reward can be a joint visit to the cinema, circus or children's entertainment center.

Why, for what and how to praise a child? In any case, the choice always remains only with the parents. When choosing, do not forget to take into account the individual qualities of your child. Whatever method you choose, do not get carried away with excessive praise and reward, otherwise it may turn into parental responsibility.

In those moments when children resist our will, we
we can use encouragement instead of trying to establish
control, threatening punishments and cuffs. The reward very often encourages
child to .

HOW TO ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD

Imagine
yourself that you have been asked to do overtime work. Naturally, at
it will cause you resistance. Then they tell you that every hour
processing will be paid at double the rate. You will immediately become
much more cooperative. How the promise of more serves
motive for you, it also motivates your
child - perhaps even stronger. It `s naturally. let's consider
examples.

If the child does not want to brush his teeth, say: “If you
brush your teeth right now, we'll have time to read three
fairy tales instead of one.

I still remember how I began to consciously use
encouragement to motivate proper behavior in their children. One of
my daughters u refused to brush their teeth before bed. Not at all
managed to convince her. Then, attending a lecture on the art of education, where
parents were advised to use encouragement, I said the above
above simple phrase and it worked. I was just amazed. Should have said
daughter that we would have more time to read, and she immediately without
the slightest discontent went to brush her teeth. It's a small change
in the approach immediately gave results, and my approach to parenting
changed drastically.

Small rewards make it much easier for parents. In
many cases with the promise of encouraging the child's resistance
disappears like smoke. If a child receives from time to time
reward, the natural desire to deliver to parents returns to him
joy and he is automatically in most cases more willing to go to .

Give your child a little encouragement, and it will become much easier for you to fulfill your parenting responsibilities.

However, many parents fear that the child will begin
abuse this attitude and will demand encouragement for any
trifle. Fortunately, this is not the case. If this method is used in combination with
other methods of positive parenting, encouragement even reinforces
the desire of the child to cooperate just like that. After you succeed
encourage a child to behave in a particular way with a reward
will soon begin to do so without her.

As long as the child obeys, there is no need for encouragement. It
needed only to regain control over the child.
Reinforcement is required when the child is out of control and
loses the natural desire to bring joy to parents. Once
one or another type of behavior will become normal, the child will adhere to
him without a reward. After I read three bedtime stories to my daughter
as a reward for obedience, she did not demand encouragement for
cooperation in other cases.

Until I experienced the efficacy
encouragement, I was prejudiced against this method because I
it seemed like it was akin to bribery. Seeing how well it works
this technique, I thought about its advantages and revised my
relation. Previously, if any of the daughters resisted my instructions,
I was automatically tempted to resort to the threat. Exactly
my father raised me, and in difficult moments I also resorted to the same
method. Once I found a more acceptable approach, punishments and threats
left in the past.

Here I faced a new task: to find a suitable
way to encourage children. The reward must be related in some way to
the behavior we want to change. Ideally, encouragement should be
natural result of cooperation. If a girl brushes her teeth before
sleep, instead of shirking this case and making a fuss,
Naturally, there is more time for reading fairy tales. If the child
does not want to wear a coat, then such a natural result
cooperation, as an opportunity to get to school earlier, is unlikely to
taken as a reward. However, in some cases this is also possible.
For example, there may be such a case: “If you quickly put on your coat,
I'll have time to look at your drawings at school."

There is one reward that always works, and you won't
you need to think especially: promise your child your time. Tell:
"If you cooperate with me now, then I will have time,
to do this and that for you later.”

The easiest way to encourage a child to cooperate is to promise that you will give him extra time as a reward.

Every time a child obeys, you
really leaves more time to do what he
Like. It is enough to remind the child of this simple truth, and you will be able to
it's easy to get him to follow your directions. You will achieve the best
results if you formulate your promise in the form most
acceptable to your child.

HOW TO ENCOURAGE CHILDREN WITH DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS

Let's
let's look at examples of how to formulate the same thing in different ways
promise for kids with different temperament. Talking about upcoming
reward a sensitive child, pay special attention to feelings.

later. We can pick flowers in the garden for mom. It will be a lot of fun.
Mom loves flowers. We will collect a whole bouquet.

When promising encouragement to an active child, stop especially
on the action itself: "If you listen to me now, I will have
more time later. We can go play in the garden and collect a bouquet for
mothers. You can even drag a stepladder and pick flowers from the tree.”

When talking to a reactive child, pay attention to
sensory sensations. Let your promise sound almost like a fairy tale.
For example: "If you listen to me now, I will have more time
later. We can go to the garden and collect for mom beautiful bouquet. We
make it up from red, white and yellow flowers. I'm sure we'll meet
butterfly garden. When mom sees the bouquet, her face will light up with a smile.

When promising rewards to a receptive child, remember
talk about time: "If you listen to me now, I will have
more time later. After school when we get home
it will be possible to collect a bouquet for mom in the garden. Now I need your help
and then later we will have time to make a bouquet for mom.”

Of course, wording appropriate to temperament
a particular child, works better - but you can make your promise
and just. The point is to explain to the child: if you save my
time now, I'll give it to you later. You help me now and later
I will do something for you.

EXAMPLES OF REWARDS

Below I present
some examples of rewards that can be promised to a child.
Think about how to formulate them so that they have a better effect on
your baby. Take into account his temperament. Think about what
rewards in which situations would best encourage your child to
cooperation.

If you collect the toys without delay, I will have time to play cards with you.

· If you help me clean your room, I will have time to play with you.

If we put things in order together now, then we can draw together later.

· If you prepare the school clothes for tomorrow, we will have time for dessert in the morning.

· If you get dressed quickly, we can go to a cafe after school.

· The sooner you get ready, the sooner we will return home.

· If you stop talking, we can walk the dog together.

· If you immediately get into the car, I will find time to play ball with you in the evening.

· If you obey, then later I will do this and that for you.

· If you immediately take up homework we can have a tea party in the evening.

· If you finish your vegetables, I will buy a cake for dinner.

· If you sit down to dinner right now, after dinner we can sing together.

If you go home now, you can play your favorite game later.

If the child resists, then instead of
take something away from him - give. Give him something and in him again
awaken the inner desire for cooperation. Instead of
use pain as a deterrent, encourage him
opportunity to get more.

ALWAYS KEEP SOMETHING IN YOUR SLEEVE

promotion
will be effective if you find something that is especially good
motivates your child to cooperate. Discovering what is possible
to attract your baby, always keep it ready - up your sleeve. For
someone's strongest motivator is the promise: "If you
listen to me now, I will have more time to
read you a story." Another child needs another: "If you
Listen, we'll bake cupcakes together today." Someone else needs
various incentives. The main secret is to notice
what your child especially likes and use it as a reward
for him.

The main secret is to notice what your child especially likes and use it as a reward for him.

If the kid loves fairy tales, then usually read to him
a little less than they could. Of course you shouldn't stop reading.
in general, but be careful not to satiate the child with fairy tales. In that
reading can be a good encouragement. Let's consider another
example. The child says: "Let's go to the park this week."
“Great idea,” you reply. - Definitely go if there is
time". Another time when the baby is resisting your will, say: “If
if you listen to me now, then I will have more time and I
I can take you to the park." You have already planned this joint
walk, but now you can use it as a reward.

In many cases the same things that you take away from
child as punishment for disobedience, can be used as
awards. If you threaten your child by not taking him for a walk,
you can promise the same walk to motivate the child to
cooperation. Instead of threatening: “If you don’t
put these games in the closet, I won't let you play with them at all
henceforth," you can say, "If you put the games in the closet now, then I
I'll play one of them with you later." The best reward for a child
a promise to dedicate some of your time to him.

The same things that you take away from a child as punishment for something can be used as a reward.

Rewards should be reasonable, situation-related and
proportionate to the sacrifice you require of the child. An example of reasonable
rewards: “If you do this and that for me, later I will have
time to do something for you." It's smart: do something for me and I
I will do something for you. An example of a situation-related reward: “It’s time
go home for dinner. I understand that you want to play, but it's time
leave. If you come with me now, we can return soon.”
Encouragement is directly related to the activity, to refuse which
you offer to the child. The proportionate reward is determined by
on the degree of resistance of the child. The more you ask of him, the
offer more.

Prudent parents always have in stock
a few rewards and they pull them out whenever the kid
resists. Below are some examples of rewards. Consider which of
you could use them.

LIST OF REWARDS

We will have more time to do something later.

· Then you can ride a bike.

We will be able to collect a bouquet for the dinner table.

· We can walk the dog together.

We will eat hot chocolate.

We will have a tea party.

We will play ball.

We will drop the flying saucer.

We will bake cookies.

We will read three fairy tales before going to bed.

We will go on a picnic.

We will have dessert.

We will have time to go to the river for a swim.

· We can sing together.

Your friend will be able to stay with us longer.

We will be able to ride in a car.

We will go shopping together.

We will climb trees.

· We can go to the swing.

· We can go to the park.

· We will be able to mold from plasticine.

We will paint together.

We will go for a walk.

We will have time to play cards.

We can sit hugging each other.

We will be able to watch such and such a program on TV.

Sometimes in order to encourage the child to
cooperation, you just need to warn him in advance about upcoming
actions. Receptive children take a particularly long time to
move from one activity to another. Wise parents try
warn such children about everything in advance. Instead of "It's time to put on
jacket,” say, “We have to leave the house in five minutes. I want,
so that by then you will be already dressed. If you get dressed on time, we won't
you have to hurry, and the trip to school will be much more pleasant.”

Wise parents try in advance warn the children about the upcoming shift activities.

If before going to bed you lay down next to the child and he
doesn’t want to let you go, say: “Okay, in five minutes I
need to leave. If you obey and lie quietly, then I will stay with
you all these five minutes. If you talk, I'll have to leave
right now". Although the promise to leave is like a threat, let it not
embarrassing because you promised the child a reward: to be with him an extra five
minutes if he lies still.

Before asking the children to clean up the room and
go to lunch, warn them that in five minutes they will need to
start cleaning and then sit down at the table. Let the children have some
time to get used to the idea that soon they will have to stop playing,
put things in order, and then go to the dining room. You can say this: "Play
another five minutes, then clean up here and go to dinner.” When you
remind about it after five minutes, children will be more inclined to
cooperation.

Encouragement is truly a magical tool: when everyone
other methods don't work, promising a reward immediately results in
desired results. If you do not understand the meaning of rewards and do not learn
use them, other methods of positive parenting will not bring
benefit. When parents do not know how to negotiate with a child, promising him
reward, they have only one choice: to threaten punishment.

REPEATING SITUATIONS

If a child
resists your will again and again in certain situations,
it is useful to promise him some reward in advance. Once I had to
take a long air flight with my daughter Lauren, and
it turned out that the girl did not want to obey me on the road. After
This is why my wife and I began to prepare for such trips in advance. Girl
loved one delicacy very much, and we began to promise her this delicacy for
that she will obey us throughout the journey. For the fact that the daughter obeyed
us on the way to the airport, landing and taking off, she received a quarter
favorite chocolate bar. After we flew without excesses
halfway through, Lauren was getting the second quarter. After landing we gave
the girl received the third piece and, upon arrival at the place, the fourth.

Such a system worked perfectly on every flight.
Before the trip, we showed the baby a whole tile. While we
explained how we would distribute the chocolate, in the eyes of the girl shone
joy. And although Lauren was busy with her games during the trip,
she never forgot to get another portion of the treat. chocolate bar
always loomed in the background of her consciousness, reminding the girl of
the need to cooperate with parents during the flight. In addition, we
took care in advance that the baby had something to do during
trips. It's ridiculous to expect a child to just sit and enjoy.
inactivity all five hours of the flight.

In addition to the fact that incentives must be reasonable and
in some way related to the situation, it is necessary that it be
proportionate to the sacrifice you require of the child. If you are asking
child to do something that he obviously does not like, you should assign him
quite a big reward. For example, if you are going to invite
the house of guests who for some reason do not like the baby can be negotiated with
him like this: “I know you don’t like these people, but they—
my friends. If you treat them politely and friendly, I
I'll do something for you. Next weekend we will go to the zoo.” AT
In this case, you promise the child a rather large reward, because
ask for something that goes beyond the daily routine, and you understand
how difficult it will be for him to comply with your request.

Children are more willing to cooperate if we understand
that it is not easy for them to fulfill one or another of our requests, and we offer for
cooperation is quite a big reward. Whenever you have to
a situation that regularly provokes child resistance is best
prepare a significant promotion for him in advance.

REWARDS FOR TEENAGERS

promotion
should be appropriate for the age of the child. Teens don't care anymore
so that you give them time, but they have other needs. Them
need money and help. As soon as a teenager starts earning and
spend money, you can use it as a reward. Do not do it
offer the child money too often, but if you follow the measure, such
encouragement is very effective.

If a teenager does not want to spend time on this or that
occupation, you can just offer him twice as much pocket money,
than he usually receives, or the amount he is paid for a day's work.
If there is no extra money in the family, then parents can offer the teenager
take him somewhere by car or help with some of his
household duties.

Some parents reward their children for good grades.
at school, and this approach turns out to be very productive. Of course not
All children need this motivation. Achievement can be encouraged
child with money or - giving the teenager more freedom.
Naturally, a child can be given freedom only after he
will gain appropriate credibility, but high academic performance may be
way to earn that trust. After all, bringing good grades, a teenager
thereby shows that he is responsible enough, which means that he can
trust and allow to walk longer.

IF A CHILD IS SCANDALING IN PUBLIC

If a
the child makes a scandal in public place, we have to admit
that you don't have enough time to meet his needs and
encourage cooperation. At such a moment, it would be very useful to you
baby's favorite candy. Maybe you don't have a chance with empathy
listen to the child, but you can encourage him. You can get out of this
unpleasant situation by quickly offering the child a reward for cooperation.
If you don't have anything suitable in your sleeve or in your purse, it's better not to
fight with the child, but find out what he wants and, if possible,
give it to him. Of course, this is appeasing the child, but if
this rarely happens, no big deal. However, such a situation
serves as a signal that you should be tougher with the baby at home and not
cajole him too often.

If the child refuses to obey in public, then you need to be tougher with him at home and not appease him too often.

Next time, prepare your child for
similar situation, explaining to him that you understand how difficult it is
obey your parents in the supermarket, standing in line. Say you do too
don't like long lines. Then conclude an agreement with the child: “If
you will obey your mother in the store, we will return home earlier and we
there will be time to eat your favorite cereal." Buy a pack at the store
these cereals to remind the child of the contract. making purchases,
remind the child that he is behaving well and that he will eat soon
your favorite dish.

REWARD LIKE DESSERT

Offering
the child a reward, you thereby help him to turn to that part of his
beings who want to help their parents. The child is encouraged to
collaboration is not the reward itself. She only awakens the natural
self-motivation mechanism. Rewards and perks are like dessert. If you
eat only desserts, the body will not receive all the nutrients
substances that are necessary for normal life. One of
reasons why we eat dessert at the end of a meal is that
sweet can dull the feeling of hunger and then we will not have desire
eat food that is vital for the body. Likewise, if we
let us rely only on rewards, then the child will be gone appetite for
cooperation.

If we rely only on rewards, the child will lose his appetite for cooperation.

If an adult works only for the sake of
encouragement, it means that something is missing in his life. It only works
in order to get what he wants, and forgets about his latent
striving to benefit people. He has no desire to do the job
really good, and the person does only what is necessary for
earnings. This is an unhealthy approach.

On the other hand, to serve people without caring about the reward
or earning money when one's own family is in need is also unhealthy
position. Successful adults think about themselves and about others. They are
trying to change something in the world and at the same time taking care of
satisfaction of own needs. Appropriately encouraging children
we prepare them to be successful in maturity.

By appropriately encouraging children, we teach them to take care of themselves, as well as about other people.

Children should understand that in life we ​​must both
give and take. If you give, you receive. To get more
need to give more. Whenever you ask a child to give you
a little more so that he gets a little more in return, you
teach him a very important life lesson. The child learns to
deals and negotiations. He learns that by giving more he deserves
more. And yet - he learns to give up momentary desires for the sake of
something bigger in the future.

IS IT WORTH LEARNING FROM THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF AN ACTION?

Many
parents take it for granted that if the child is not
cooperates, so he is bad. They believe that good children are indispensable
obedient. Positive parenting recognizes that the child refuses
cooperation, not because he is bad, but simply because he does not receive
necessary. If the baby resists, parents should either give something in
what he needs, or somehow encourage the child to motivate him to
certain behavior at the moment.

Many parents assume that good children are obedient.

Some experts recommend not to overcome
children's resistance, and let them do what they want, so that they
learned from the natural consequences of their actions. For example, if
the child refuses to put on a coat, let him go for a walk in the cold
without a coat and catch a cold. This will be a lesson for him. This is incorrect
an approach. The only thing a child will learn is that he cannot rely on the help of his parents.

As I was writing this page, my wife came in and brought
example. Lauren (thirteen years old) forgot at home in the printer printed out for
submission of an abstract. She tried very hard to finish the work on time and was proud
her. Bonnie found the essay and is now going to take his daughter to school,
so Lauren won't get a deduction for not turning in her work on time.

Some parents would say that a girl should
get a lesson about the consequences of absent-mindedness. She didn't hand in her work on time.
upset, and this failure will serve her as a good lesson for the future. This is
just remnants of the old, fear-based thinking. Why
girl don't learn a lesson out of your luck? Why would she once again
time not to make sure that the parents take care of her and are ready if possible
to help. If your life partner forgets something, you will
want to help him. You will do everything in your power. children
just like us, we need the support of loved ones - and perhaps even
more. Learn from your own experience that relatives will always come to you for
help is much more important than feeling the pain of grief from what you
downgrading for the work you worked so hard on.

Adherents of the school of natural consequences would say,
that this was a good opportunity for Lauren to understand where
absent-mindedness, so that in the future she would be more attentive. Yes, in the future
really would be afraid forget something important, but fear -
not the best incentive. You don't have to be afraid to remember.
Positive parenting doesn't need fear to teach children not to be
scattered. Success in the same way will teach the child to be more attentive.

Positive parenting does not need fear to teach children not to be distracted.

When a person is afraid to make mistakes, he only
makes more of them. Many people have noticed that fear attracts
the very situations we fear. Like when I put on a new
tie, it often turns out that I put a stain on it at the first
output. On the other hand, when I put on a new tie, they tell me
more compliments.

If I think mainly about how good my
new thing, many lk5di notice it and compliment it. If I
I worry about getting my tie dirty with food, it happens inevitably.
The fear of making a mistake not only brings into our lives unnecessary
anxiety, but also leads to the fact that we make more mistakes.

Expecting positive consequences is much better
motivating factor. And fear does not necessarily teach a child to be aware
the consequences of one behavior or another. Leave natural consequences
nature - no need to play the Lord God out of yourself. Instead of this
Parents should do their best to help children. If you not
you can help the child in some way, do not help; but if you can help
certainly.

Leave natural consequences to nature, no need to play God.

The hardest question to answer is:
Am I sacrificing too much for my children? If parents expose themselves
deprivation, which means they give their children too much, and as a result
become overly demanding.

If you give your kids too much, it's easy to fix.
Children themselves will let you know that you give them beyond measure. They will become
overly demanding, and their requests will start to resent you.

So it's time to give less. This is a normal correction of relationships, and there is nothing wrong with that.

WHY PARENTS ARE AFRAID TO ENCOURAGE CHILDREN

Sometimes
parents are afraid that if they encourage the child, he will disappear
natural desire for cooperation. They vividly imagine
a child accustomed to rewards who asks for any reason: “Ah
what will I get from this? Then the imagination of these parents draws how
their child begins to demand more and more for cooperation.
Such a nightmarish outcome is unlikely, but it is possible if
if the parents do not meet all the other needs of the child.

Whenever you ask a child for cooperation,
somewhere in the depths of his consciousness there really arises a completely
healthy question: “What will I get from this?” – and if his needs
properly satisfied, he does not require more. Children
cooperate because they are born with the desire to obey
parents to be loved by them. If the child is aware of his
needs and believes that he will receive the necessary support, he goes to
cooperation with great pleasure.

If a child gets what he needs, he does not require too many rewards.

As long as the child gets what he needs, he
aware of his needs and not lost in his own desires. Awareness
the need for parental support encourages the child to obedience and
delicacy. He does not ask for more and more awards. He does not focus on
the question “what will I get for this?” and doesn't require more. Usually,
children insist on fulfilling their whims when they do not understand
what they really need.

Anastasia Repina
Encouragement of children: how and why to encourage

When children behave badly - they draw everyone's attention to themselves, when they behave well - this does not surprise anyone. Nevertheless, children very often wait for approval of their actions, they try to earn praise.

At all times, parents were concerned about the issues of optimal education. children in the family - how encourage and punish to contribute to the development of a harmonious personality.

promotion and punishment is the simplest means of parental influence. They give parents the opportunity to express their attitude to the actions of the child. And every parent has their own established opinion about punishments and child encouragement.

Most parents, as practice shows, give preference to punishment, and psychologists who deal with behavior problems and suggest methods to parents effective interaction with children, emphasize a positive approach. They advise parents to turn their attention from the child's misdeeds to his good deeds. The positive approach is expressed, first of all, in promotions and awards, that is, in favorable consequences.

Encouragement is recognition, approval of actions, agreement with them. This is the exact opposite of punishment. He explains to the children what "well" how you can and should do it. promotion is a positive component of a full-fledged upbringing. Unfortunately, he is not given due attention, little is said about him and little is written about him. Everyone knows about it, but everyone imagines and uses promotion in your own way. Someone gives him a fundamental role and uses only him in education. Someone thinks that the main thing is to stop bad deeds, and encouragement only spoils children. How many people, so many opinions.

Importance encouraging children

Children preschool age very susceptible to incentives. Words of approval, praise of adults are for them an incentive for self-affirmation in positive actions, confidence in their own abilities. Approval, expressed in time and skillfully, awakens a healthy pride: the slow one tries to be agile, the casual one tries to pull himself up and do everything better.

In order to encouragement was an assessment of children's behavior and acquired a moral connotation, it is necessary that it contains such specific definitions as "obedient", "kind", "polite", "hardworking", "attentive", "caring", "fair", "generous" and so on. These words, as it were, emphasize the moral meaning of this or that act. Despite disagreements, encouragement plays big an important role in the upbringing children. Forms personal qualities, directs to the right behavior. Thanks to encouraging the child feels included in life, noticed, not indifferent, necessary. This has a positive effect on the psychological state, emotions. Besides, encouragement teaches good deeds, shows that people really need them.

With the help of this method of education, the following qualities are developed, traits character: kindness; responsibility; justice; accuracy; honesty; ability to learn; confidence; self-control and many others.

But there is in promoting your features. It does not always carry a positive line. Thoughtless, incorrect use of it is fraught with not the best consequences. If regularly encourage without reason, just like that, or, worse, for bad deeds, then the child will begin to show his spoiledness. This will manifest itself in his capriciousness, unwillingness to listen to his parents, to reckon with the opinion of anyone. Bad deeds, actions, words will become more frequent, while the child will sincerely think that he is doing everything right, as it should.

Not everything is as simple as it seems. Therefore, it is important to know how to use such an easy and accessible method education.

Ways encouragement

promotion used in all areas of activity and has its results. Works regardless of age on children and adults. For example, to motivate good quality work, perform official duties employees are awarded with prizes and certificates of honor. Already from this it is possible to draw conclusions about the effectiveness of the impact encouragement. For children use their own methods.

Praise is the most common, widely used, universal encouragement. Assumes a verbal form of influence. For good deeds, the baby is praised, they tell him what he did right, his actions are supported, approved by adults. When using this method, you need to choose words and intonation. You need to praise not the child himself (you can do this at any time, but his specific act. For example, words "what a good fellow you are" better to replace "thank you, you helped me a lot, I appreciate it".

Weasel is aimed at showing tenderness. This includes hugs, kisses, approving strokes on the head, back. They are important to the child no less than the words of the parents and speak volumes. The main thing is that he feels love, warmth. This form of praise is used more often with young children.

Additional time for joint games, activities, entertainment. It's a way to motivate encouragement. Often used to get the child to take the necessary actions. That is, in order to receive a reward, he is invited to fulfill any condition. for example: “as soon as you put away the toys, we will go to the playground”.

Removal of prohibitions, expansion of rights. If a child behaves exemplarily, helps his parents, he can encourage allowing him to do what was previously forbidden to him. Depending on age and independence, for example, going to bed an hour later than usual, making decisions together with adults. This way encouragement can be used for general good behavior, regardless of each individual positive act.

It has a great effect on children encouragement when parents involve the child in joint work. It is well known that kids tend to wash, sew, cook dinner, make crafts like mom or dad. As promotion can, for example, to be allowed to wash handkerchiefs, help mom set the table for guests or help dad fix the bike, check the health of the floor polisher. Participation in the affairs of adults, of course, is a great joy for a preschooler. And how much pride does the kid feel when he tells his children in kindergarten peers: “My dad and I fixed…” “My mother and I received guests!” etc. Of course, encouragement– labor requires adults to take into account the age of the child and his interests.

Sweets, toys, other rewards are very strong motivation. So that in the future it does not happen that the child will wait, demand a financial incentive for every good deed, it is necessary to use this method with caution. It is better not to tie gifts to specific actions of the child. Or use them as a reward for tasks that require long-term completion, such as graduating with honors school year.

Best result encouragement achieved by using several of its methods at the same time.

rules encouragement

In order to encouragement performed an educational function, explained what "well", taught to act as the situation requires, it is necessary to use it correctly. Here are a few rules to follow.

1. Any encouragement should be fair, consistent with behavior and actions children. It is inappropriate to praise, lift bans, give gifts for all the little things, especially similar: he put on tights, a T-shirt, buttoned up his jacket, etc. And vice versa, you can’t ignore the more significant and teaching something deeds: the kid helped his mother clean up the house, washed the dishes, the teenager helped the elderly man cross the road.

2. Don't encourage children out of pity. Suppose the baby was offended, pushed. It would not be right to calm him down with chocolate, candy. He needs support, help. Better give him advice on how to act in similar situations.

3. If the goal is to win over a child, to please him, then bribery with praise, affection and gifts is inappropriate. The first step is to establish a friendly trusting relationship with him through communication.

4. It is necessary to gradually wean the child from constant material rewards for specific actions. Otherwise, he will begin to demand his legitimate, as it will seem to him, gifts. Actions should be done just like that, disinterestedly.

5. Praise children, always say what action you are supporting so they know what can and should be done.

When encouragement can be harmful?

As mentioned above, the ill-advised use encouragement can do more harm than good. Children will not see the boundaries of what is permitted, determine where it ends "can" and starts "it is forbidden". Perfectionism develops when, striving for the best result, they are not able to accept imperfections, they are very worried in case of failures. It is especially difficult for such children adult life, which will present difficult tasks, create obstacles. Always be the first, the best will not succeed. Due to excessive praise children overestimated self-esteem, selfishness, self-admiration is formed. There will be no respect for parents, adults, peers.

promotion is an integral part of education. Use it, guide children for good deeds, instilling only positive qualities that a person should possess.

In conversations with parents, the teacher should explain that encouragement incompatible with the indulgence of any absurd whim of a child. Only in combination with increasing demands do they bring the desired result. Incentives then they have pedagogical value when they contribute to the satisfaction of reasonable needs, develop in the child the desire to please adults with their behavior.

In the process of raising children it is important to find your methods and tricks of education. One of these tricks is to encourage the child. It is impossible to ignore both the bad behavior of children and the fact that he learned something new and achieved success. Despite the fact that all children need constant encouragement, it is certainly not worth giving them gifts or money for every good deed.

Most of rewards should be intangible, but in the form of parental praise and recognition of the importance of the child. Replacing recognition with gifts interferes with the development of initiative, confidence and independence in a child. A child who receives a gift for each of his positive actions gets the impression that his parents need his success, and not him. For example, parents say to a child: "If you eat soup, then we will buy you a car today."

Abuse This technique provokes the dependence of the child on the reward. He will continue to behave accordingly, there is no gift and I will not do anything. Also, as a reward, the child cannot be released from the performance of previously entrusted duties. For example, say: "If you get an A in math today, then you don't have to vacuum the carpet at home." In this case, the child perceives any work as something unpleasant and will be deprived of the desire to show diligence. For the child in this case, receiving the reward will be more important than the process of overcoming difficulties.

Encourage child showing positive appreciation for his behavior is just words. To maintain a positive mood, it is enough for mom to notice: “Today I was very happy with your success” or for dad to say: “I like what you did today.” Such simple assessments give the child a sense of satisfaction and a desire to experience this feeling again, having achieved even greater success. Meaning pedagogical education encouragement is that it influences the personality of the child and the formation of his character.

The child after encouragement there should be a desire to behave better in the future and show oneself from the good side. There are many ways to express your positive assessment of your child's action. This is a simple approving gesture, a nod of the head, an affectionate look, praise and a gift. But it is necessary to encourage the child only for those successes and merits that are worth it.

cannot be praised and encourage for habits, for fulfilling the duties that he does around the house. What a child has to accomplish on a daily basis does not require encouragement. For example, do not admire the fact that he washed the dishes after himself. You should not get carried away with rewards, otherwise they cease to serve as an incentive for discipline. Children quickly get used to them and stop appreciating them.

To praise child must be very skillful, children feel insincerity and exaggerated praise. Praise should be directed to the good deed of the child, and not to the person. It is unacceptable to encourage a child with the words: "You are so smart", "You are so strong", "You are so wonderful" and the like. Although the child likes to hear such words from his parents, he understands deep down that in fact he is not at all as perfect as they say about him. It is impossible to show slyness and hypocrisy when raising children. If the child has cleaned his room, do not rush to praise him with the words: “What a great fellow you are!”, But just calmly say with a smile: “It’s nice to go into your room now, everything is clean and neatly folded.” So you appreciate his act and be honest with your child.

Don't follow your love and OK act of the child to express every time in financial terms. A child who is accustomed to receiving money for each work performed begins to expect material rewards for each of his actions. It is possible to give a child money as a material incentive, but in this case it is necessary to strictly control what he will spend it on. For example, if you want to reward a child for an excellent end of the school year, you can’t just give him 1,000 rubles and say: “You made us happy with a successful end of the school year.

We have decided to give you family budget money, go and buy what you want for yourself. "Money should be allocated for specific purposes. If a child has long dreamed of buying a cell phone, then you need to tell him:" We were delighted with your success this year and decided to give you money so that you buy yourself a phone ". The child himself should choose what to spend the money on, parents should not indicate at the same time: "No, your phone is still working, buy yourself a jacket with this money."

Then get lost educational value of financial reward. When rewarding with money, the amount should correspond to the success of the child. If you give 100 rubles for an excellent mark, and 50 rubles for the end of the school year, then the reward system will not work. Parents should not overdo spending money on rewards, but also not be greedy.

Better first consult with the child and find out for what purposes he needs money and how much. Material incentives should be given only for the achieved result, so that the child has a desire to receive a big reward, making the most of his potential. The child must be aware that the reward is given only for positive changes and the best achievements.