If a child asks the question "What if my mother doesn't love me", then there is a reason to read this article to the end. Now I want to talk about this difficult topic that many of my clients have encountered: this is the lack of love in their lives. Most often we are talking about maternal love when a person does not feel that his mother loves him, and the mother demonstrates some kind of behavior that confirms this, or this behavior suggests that she repels the child.

This is a rather difficult question, because people, as a rule, come to various practices and do them with hope, with a certain illusion that something will change in the life of their mother, in her condition, and she will finally love them. They have such an illusion: "I will change so much that it will change my mother's attitude towards me, or it will heal something inside my mother, and my mother will finally love me." And after passing a large number of trainings, various courses, people still have not received their mother's love, but they still hold on to this illusion that by transforming themselves, they can change something in their relationship with their mother, they can feel or see that their mother finally loves them ...

What happens inside a person who is deficient in maternal love?

In this case, there are two completely opposite parts inside a person. The first part really in childhood was faced with the fact that something was missing in the relationship with my mother. Maybe even what a person calls love. The child was unable to feel maternal love or the love of parents, mother or father.

At the same time, he experiences a feeling of loneliness, a sense of loss, and the child is alone with this, he does not know what to do, how to overcome it, how it can be resolved at all and whether something can be changed. At the same time, all these feelings are hidden inside, they are hidden: sadness, sadness from the fact that there is no love - all this is hidden and suppressed. Later in life it can somehow manifest itself, but in childhood it is all cemented inside.

At the same time, a person does not have a sense of stability, some kind of support, but there is a feeling that at any moment he can die, that is, he has a fear of death. And this fear of death appears due to the fact that it is not valuable for the parents, the parents do not like it, and at any moment anything can happen, and the parents will not protect it, will not help, and the child thinks that he may die.

On the other hand, another part appears in a person who persistently seeks contact with his parents. It's so hard to be in the first state that a person lives with the illusion that sooner or later something will happen, and my mother will love me, my mother will accept me. Either it is so hard and painful for him that the idealization of his parents arises, thoughts arise that in fact they love him, they accept him, there is simply something that prevents them from showing this love, and so on.

Download the free maternal love meditation "My mother in me", go through all the steps from start to finish.

On the one hand, it is hard and painful, but on the other hand, there is a persistent desire to establish contact and receive that very love.

How do these processes manifest themselves in life?

Mom does not understand why the child believes that his parents do not like him

Sometimes a person, already an adult, continues to "shake" mom. This is an internal process, it does not take place in the literal sense of the word. But literally a person can come and make some claims to his mother that he does not feel like a child, does not feel loved, and say that she never loved him. At the same time, the mother may absolutely not understand what is at stake. From her point of view, she gave everything to the child, and does not understand what the problem is, what her grown daughter or an adult son say.

The fact is that a mother is included in something in her family-family system, and she simply cannot give what the child requires from her, it is called love or it is called support. It is very important to understand here that your task to heal your mother is most likely a failure. You cannot make her life, her condition different, and give her something that will allow her to be a different mother for her child. It all depends on what you want.

This article is primarily for children who are still shaking their mom. For those who have had in their life "I want to get my mother's love", "I will do everything to get my mother's love." You need to understand that the idea of ​​healing Mom or changing for Mom so that she finally loves you is a failure. Mom is involved in something, mom is already in this process, there can be no other way.

Here, most likely, the question is how you can separate from this process. Perhaps this will happen when you see with the help of the constellation what your mom is involved in. It is possible that your path will be some other, but your task is to understand from this article that your idea to reach your mother is a failure, because it was impossible from the beginning. The second thing you need to understand is what you want to do next with it. Do you want to deal with it somehow for yourself, in order to get out of this connection or to separate from this dependence on mother's love, and then, with some kind of resources, what can you get out of this situation, move in your life?

Such girls then make the same mistakes in relationships, without realizing the reason. So, please watch what you tell your children!

Photo source: alwaysbusymama.com

"Mom doesn't love me!"

Daughters who grew up with the knowledge that they are not loved emotional wounds remain, which largely determine their future relationships and how they build their lives.

Most importantly, the daughter's need for maternal love does not disappear. even after she realizes it's impossible.

Photo source: hsmedia.ru

This need continues to live in her heart, along with the terrible realization that only person, who must love her unconditionally, just because she is in the world, does not. It sometimes takes a lifetime to deal with this feeling.

What is fraught with mother's dislike?

The saddest thing is that sometimes, having already matured, girls do not know the reason for their failures and believe that they themselves are to blame for all the problems.

Photo source: bancodasaude.com

1. Lack of self-confidence

Unloved daughters of unloving mothers don't know they are worthy of attention, there was no feeling in their memory that they were loved at all.

The girl could grow up, getting used day after day only to the fact that she was not heard, ignored, or, even worse, she was closely watched and criticized at every step.

Photo source: womanest.ru

Even if she has obvious talents and achievements, they don't give her confidence. Even if she has a soft and docile nature, she continues to sound in her head the mother's voice, which she perceives as her own,- she is a bad daughter, ungrateful, she does everything out of spite, "who has grown into, others have children like children" ...

Many already in adulthood say that they have the feeling that they are “deceiving people” and that their talents and character are fraught with some kind of flaw.

Photo source: bodo.ua

2. Lack of trust in people

It always seemed strange to me why someone wants to be friends with me, I began to think if there was some kind of benefit behind this.

Such thoughts arise from a general sense of the insecurity of the world., which is experienced by a girl whose mother sometimes brings her closer to herself, then pushes her away.

Photo source: sitewomen.com

She will continue to require constant confirmation that feelings and relationships can be trusted, that the next day she will not be pushed away.

And as adults, they crave emotional storms, ups and downs, breaks and sweet reconciliations. True love for them it is an obsession, an all-consuming passion, witchcraft, jealousy and tears.

Photo source: manlogic.ru

Calm trusting relationships seem to them either unrealistic(they just can't believe it happens) or boring. A simple, non-"demonic" man, most likely, will not attract their attention.

3. Difficulties in defending their own boundaries

Many of those who grew up in an environment of cold indifference or constant criticism and unpredictability say that they constantly felt the need for motherly affection, but at the same time they realized that they did not know any of the ways to get it.

That which elicited a favorable smile today may be rejected tomorrow with irritation.

Photo source: foto-cat.ru

And already as adults, they continue to look for a way to appease partners or friends, to avoid repeating that motherly coldness at any cost.

In addition to the difficulty of establishing healthy boundaries with the opposite sex, daughters of unloving mothers often have problems with friendships.

Photo source: womancosmo.ru

4. Avoidance as a defensive reaction and as a life strategy

The girl who felt in childhood maternal dislike, somewhere in the depths of his soul he feels fear: "I do not want to be offended again."

For her, the world consists of potentially dangerous men , among which in some unknown way you need to find your own.

Photo source: familyexpert.ru

6. Excessive sensitivity, "thin skin"

Also, it is difficult for daughters so unloved in childhood to cope with their emotions, after all, they did not have the experience of unconditional acceptance of their value, which allows them to stand firmly on their feet.

7. Search for maternal relationships in relationships with men

We're attached to what we know which is part of our childhood, no matter what it falls to us.

Photo source: iuvaret.ru

It was only years later that I realized that my husband treated me the same way as my mother, and I myself chose him. Even the first words that he said to me to get to know each other were: “You yourself came up with this way to knit this scarf? Take it off. " Then it seemed to me very funny and original.

Why are we talking about this now, when we have already grown up?

Not to throw in despair those cards that fate has dealt us. Everyone has their own.

And in order to understand how we act and why. And in relation to their children as well.

Prepared by Maria Malygina

I hardly remember my childhood until 8 years old, except for unpleasant moments physical pain from being beaten by my mother, falling and other situations in which my child's psyche was hurt. No one have a nice day I do not remember.

My mother raised me alone, when I was three years old, she divorced my alcoholic father. I am the third child. The elder brother was raised by his grandmother, the sister was taken by his father, with whom we did not keep in touch in the future.

Mom worked hard, she is a doctor. I always came home nervous, took all the anger at me. Daily scandals, in which my grandmother also participated, during the day I had to endure my grandmother, and in the evening my mother, humiliation, obscenities, beatings ... The words that without her I’m no one to call me, and if she dies, I will end up in the trash. That she did not arrange her life because of me, if she brought a man, then my place would be in the kitchen in the corner on a mat. Only my place was already in the kitchen on a folding sofa, due to the lack of my own room. I could not sleep with my grandmother, who at night goes to the toilet in a bucket and splashes of urine fly into my face. And I could not sleep in a room with my mother, who is always angry and does not sleep until late at night. Naturally, I tried to sleep in one room, then in another. But in the end I went to the kitchen, and in the kitchen at 6 am I got up, from the noisy kettle, etc. With that in mind. that I fell asleep not earlier than three in the morning, pondering my life, sobbing ... and cultivating hatred, anger and resentment in myself.

Now I'm 23 and can't sleep at night. I wake up to work and many other important things ... but I cannot even with strong tranquilizers fall asleep before 5-8 in the morning ... Because of which my mother is now ready to tear me to pieces, that I will never become a normal person, with normal work, schedule, mode. I am still a failure in her eyes, lazy, unable to change my life even in such a trifle as a dream.

Back to my childhood. Even in the kindergarten, it seemed to me that I was different from the rest, no one was friends with me. I don't know why, but I've always been a loner. At school, until the fifth grade, I sat on the last desk alone and was also an outcast. Maybe because she dressed poorly and looked unkempt, maybe because everyone noticed my problems. Everyone knew that if you offend me, no one would intercede. Mom didn't care, she had a lot of work.

But then I still didn’t feel so bad, I still didn’t understand everything that lay ahead of me, but I already had a feeling that everything was not going well, that something bad awaited me in the future ...

In the fifth form financial position Mom improved, she began to buy me expensive things, etc., only with even greater reproaches. “Look how I try my best, and you, creature, are not learning! I will die from such work, and you will be in the trash heap! " These words are always in my head.

Even buying me something expensive and beautiful, she said: “Where are you, cow, these hairpins? You will break them on the very first day. " And he buys it anyway. "Where are you, pig, this bright jacket, it will be black, you are a slob."

Now I rarely wear heels and in my wardrobe there is not a single color except black ...

The above is, of course, not the reason, but there is something in it. Only my mother now, when I'm 23, is screaming the opposite: “Why are you, as a goth teenager, put on your black clothes and soldier's boots? Who needs you in these clothes? Go buy normal things! Take the money you need and buy it! "

But I don't need anything anymore. I don't like shopping. I love expensive things and shoes, but strictly in my style. Everything is black and aggressive.

From the fifth grade, everything started about and started ...

The problems in the family were added to the problems at school. I studied poorly. I couldn't study better, I was constantly depressed. It seemed to me that my whole class hates me and is trying to hurt me somehow. There were even fights ...

Grades 7, 8, 9 are hell. At home, beatings and scandals due to grades, at school, beating and humiliation by a high school student (in my class, at some point, they began to fear me and did not touch me once again). I began to fall in love, of course, not mutually - and again pain, and again the disappointment of ridicule, humiliation. I had almost no friends, and if they did, they left me at the first danger that they would begin to spread rot as well as me because of communication with me.

There were many fights, they just took me one by one to the school and beat several people at a time, the reasons were different - I went in the wrong place, I didn't say that.

At some point, they called me at the next “arrow” to beat me up, and called a lot of people with the words “come and see how we will beat her in the face”. I came as I always did. I had a friend with me. I don't know if she came with me as support or just out of pity.

The guy whom I loved at that moment came there, he was more on the side of the enemies than on mine. And here is the standard question: "What will you do if I push you now?" I mean, I'll hit you back. I'm tired of just standing and enduring all this, in front of so many people. I'm tired of being your whipping and ridicule toy.

A friend read it in my eyes and turns her head: “Answer that you will not do anything. Do not. Do not do this". And I replied that I would push and hit her too.

Less than a second after my answer, I was already flying with my back to the asphalt. Someone caught me from behind, if they had not caught me, there would have been a strong blow with my head on the asphalt ... I immediately try to escape from the hands of the one who caught me. But they hold me. They laugh at me flying away like Ragdoll from a blow to the chest. I don't remember further ... Some kind of conversation, and now I am already in a fight with one of them ... I fought with all my might ... I did not see anything, I just beat her and beat her with all my might. She screamed at me to let her go. To which I continued to beat her even more. It seemed to me that the whole crowd rushed at me, and I began to beat even harder ... But as it turned out, two adult guys were trying to tear me away from one side of her, and two more tried to pull her out of my hands on the other side. Pulled out. I backed off. I was sick. It was like sprinkled with sand in the mouth. I don’t understand… either I’m standing or falling… And the words of my friend: “You are great. Just please don't fall, stop. After this, no one will touch you. Just stop, don't fall. ”

That girl then hid the beating on her face with her hair for a long time ... I don't like fights, but I had no choice. Although for some time I just wanted to kill her, there was a feeling of incompleteness ... but they dragged me away ... Nobody else touched me in my city.

Perhaps it's time to move on to attempting suicide.

I don't remember exactly when I did the first ...

Maybe I was 13-14 years old.

And the reason was a quarrel with my mother. Disappeared from home gold chain with a cross. Mom blamed my friends who came to visit, which I denied. And she replied: "If these were not your friends, then you yourself stole her and spent the money on some kind of entertainment." I couldn't believe my ears. Accuse me of stealing from my own mother, who gives me money, feeds me and clothe me. Living with which, I return home with fear, if only there would not be another scandal. And then - to steal the chain, knowing in advance how it will turn out for me?

I still remember a lump in my throat for this accusation. And I thought, if you think so of me, then I shouldn't live on.

I took a first-aid kit and collected a handful (removed to satisfy Rospotrebnadzor - ed.), 40 pieces. She went to the mirror, peered into her tear-stained eyes for a long, long time, swallowing offense. I said goodbye to myself and drank. I went to bed with complete confidence that I would never wake up. But the next morning I woke up as if nothing had happened.

And I remembered my vision, which was even before that, at the age of 11. She was lying on the bed, either falling asleep, or just thinking about something. Now I don't even remember if my eyes were open. I heard a voice, a woman's, but something inside me knew that it was not the voice of a person, but of a being much higher. In addition to the voice, a ball of fire was spinning in front of my eyes. And the voice said, “Why are you chasing death? There is something small and good in you, live for this, remember this. " I still don't understand what the voice was talking about.

The second attempt was in ninth grade. I was 15. And this non-reciprocal love, just in time for the guy who was in the fight, in which I did not let myself be offended.

At this point, I already understood which ones (deleted to satisfy Rospotrebnadzor - ed.) You need to drink and in what quantity exactly, so as not to stay alive. Houses have always been strong (deleted - ed.) Freely available to them. As I said, my mother is a doctor. And this time the target was (deleted - ed.). I will not write which ones, this is useless here.

The reason for the second suicide attempt was not only him. He was the impetus, the catalyst, like all the other alleged reasons that followed. And I understood that. And I knew that having solved one problem, my life would not change. I already knew for sure that I did not want to live.

In one room there is an old blind grandmother who sees nothing and suspects nothing. I'm in the other room. Mom is on duty. I have a whole night at my disposal, and this time is enough for my heart to stop and the next morning they find me cold. In my hands there are 5 plates of 10 (deleted - ed.) In each, I take out the first 10 and wash it down ... I start to open the second 10 ... Phone call. This is a friend. I broke down and said goodbye to her. She understood what was the matter and tried to speak to me and pass the time. She even asked this guy to call me. And he called. He just kept silent on the phone ... And with this silence I fell asleep from 10 drunk (deleted - ed.) ...

Mom came the next day. I understood what was the matter. She lifted me up with screams and another scandal. To which I jumped up and ran into the grandmother's room, which was not in the grandmother (she tried to calm her mother), locked the door and fell asleep. Nobody touched me for more than a day ... They knocked, tried to open the door. I didn’t wake up, I woke up from screams and knocks that it was time to open the door, I opened it. But I was not yet in the consciousness of an adequate person.

Mom took me to the hospital. There is flushing, droppers, a sense of shame, self-loathing. Then the ridicule of everyone, my attempt was spread by rumors from my own friends. They came to me at the hospital, but it seemed to me that they came to see it more as a spectacle, and not for sympathy.

I often (deleted - ed.) My hands, by the age of 22 I had already switched to my feet so that they would not notice at work (deleted - ed.).

It discharged me. I liked hurting myself, I liked the blood.

At 19 was the most difficult period... I missed two years of my life because everything was fine ... only two years out of 23. I loved and it was mutual. This love was accompanied by dissociative drugs, entertainment, study, work, etc. I don’t want to talk about it in detail. We broke up ... and this is the end.

Six months after parting, I tried to live as if nothing had happened, gritting my teeth in pain about the loss of the person who loved me so much and whom I loved. Who gave me more love in two years than his own mother can give in a lifetime ...

Six months of endless anxiety. A cat sits in every corner of my chest and tears me apart from the inside every second of these six months. Nightmares. I wake up and scream from the horror of what I saw, severed legs, arms, heads in dreams. Constant killings. In my dreams, you could shoot a horror movie. There are always creepy pictures in front of my eyes. I called them slideshows. You close your eyes and away we go. Monsters, people, strange creatures ... faces, evil smiles ... it was maddening.

I turned to a psychiatrist for help. I was offered to go to the examination for two weeks. I called my mother and told her everything. In response, another scandal and misunderstanding. “You are a creature, I give you that kind of money. You study and invent diseases for yourself. Go to work, you brute, and everything will pass !!! If you miss school and go to the hospital, you can forget about my help! "

I didn't go to bed. She gritted her teeth and tried to continue studying ... (deleted - ed.) Her hands, somehow letting her demons out ... Serious heart problems began, they called an ambulance right at school. And all as one sent me after the cardiologist to the neurologist, finding out my condition. And the neurologist is already going to the psychiatrist. But I needed hospitalization, but I could not, otherwise again a quarrel with my mother ... Although I no longer studied. I could not study, my hands were shaking, my pupils were constantly dilated (I had not yet taken antidepressants at that time). It was like I was under high voltage, like a bare wire - touch it and I will be torn to pieces.

And so it happened. All this state was accompanied by my friend ... and then he was just scared to look at everything and he left ... The sight was really terrible ... I cut myself, sprinkling salt into the wound and rubbed it to make it more painful, but if only to drown out the alarm inside, if only the cats in the corners of my soul disappeared for at least an hour ...

My eyes frightened my friend. To be honest, they scared me too. Dilated pupils 24 hours a day. The eyes are huge, so angry, unhappy and at the same time devastated from the struggle with themselves. A malicious smile through tears ... I will die anyway ... I will leave ... I will kill myself.

The friend could not stand it and left ...

That evening I asked him for a favor to go with me to the cemetery to bury himself.

I woke up in the morning with the thought that I must leave that part of myself in the cemetery that wants to die. There was still a part in me that wanted to live and was afraid of death. This part is always with me.

We are going. I have been choosing a place for a long time and now I have found it. In the morning there was a ritual that had come to mind in my head (I don’t know where, I already woke up with this thought). (The description of the perfect ceremony was deleted by the editors.) The first two hours there was some kind of euphoria, a feeling of freedom. We quietly parted with a friend, and I went home.

An hour or two later I was replaced. I took a razor and cut my hand in four places. A lot, a lot of blood. I am sitting in a pool of my own blood (exactly as I imagined it months earlier) covered in blood, but in euphoria ... I do not feel pain, nothing ... like a child in a heap of toys. I smeared myself with my blood and laughed ... It was hysterical. The friend returned. He tried to call an ambulance. I didn’t allow, I said that I would just run away and then you would find my body on the street. He just bandaged me, stopped the blood ... all night.

In the morning I came to my senses. I hardly remember, but, according to his stories, I sat, swayed, looking at my hand and repeating the same thing - “I want my hand to be the same. And we went to the emergency room to sew it up. 20 stitches. Cut tendons, which healed for a very long time and ached with pain ...

Then I called my mother, and I begged her permission to go to the hospital, because I understood that the one who did this yesterday could return to me at any minute.

Hospital, three months rehabilitation, antidepressants, tranquilizers, psychologists. medical consultation ...

I got out of there with almost no symptoms. But all thoughts remained inside.

Two years later, another attempt ... Two years of struggle with depression to no avail, and again a push ... And again an attempt ... After 6 hours they found ... resuscitation, without talking, without the consent of the psychiatric hospital, there was a second attempt, did not have time ... Stopped. came to herself after three days ... And that's it ... and emptiness ... terrible emptiness ...

I don't want to die anymore. My darker part of me still paints pictures of death in my head, every day ... but I'm used to it. I almost ignore it ....

But I am no more. After the last time, something turned over inside. Something or someone in me who knew how to love, suffer, feel pain or pleasure, left me. Now I do not know what will happen next. I just do not see my future for the next six months ... And even going forward, making my dreams come true ... and I do it on the machine ... I do not feel the taste of victory over death, over myself. Nothing is fun. In the struggle, I lost a very important part of myself. The part that was responsible for feelings and emotions. Who had a chance to go through everything and be happy. And now I'm just a piece of meat, with scars and memories. The girl who wanted to live was tired of the endless struggle ... She gave up ... she left ... taking everything with her. And without her, I'm nothing. I won't even be able to make the decision to leave or stay.

It is better to feel pain than not to feel anything.

Don't try to kill yourself. You can do it, but you will stay here ... Even in a more terrible state of mind than it was when you decided to end everything.

Good day! Tell me please, ex-wife my husband is forbidden to take the child. The child is 3 years old, he pays alimony on time, is it possible to submit an application to the court to make a decision and schedule how a father can pick up his daughter for the weekend? And what will happen if the wife still does not give up the child according to the writ of execution?

Margarita

There's an answer

Answers

Alekseev Dmitry NikolaevichLawyer

In the event of a dispute between the parents at the request of the parents or one interested parent, the procedure for communication of the former spouse with the child is determined by the court with the participation of the guardianship and guardianship authority (Article 78 of the RF IC).

The statement of claim is presented to the district court at the place of residence of the defendant. In it, it is necessary to set out, in particular, the requirements for the period of time, frequency and territory in which communication with the child should take place (Articles 28, 131, 132 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation).

A statement of claim when filing with a court should not be subject to a state duty (subparagraph 15 of clause 1 of article 333.36 of the Tax Code of the Russian Federation; article 23 of the Law of 24.07.1998 N 124-FZ; section "Filing a statement of claim in disputes related to the upbringing of children" of the Review , approved by the Presidium of the RF Armed Forces on July 20, 2011).

The case will be assigned to trial after receiving from the guardianship and trusteeship authorities certificates of examination of the living conditions of persons claiming to raise a child (clause 2 of the Resolution of the Plenum of the RF Armed Forces of 05/27/1998 N 10).

When determining the order of communication of a child, the following factors are taken into account:

1) the age of the child;

2) the state of health of the child;

3) the child's attachment to each of the parents;

4) the presence or absence of conditions for the upbringing and development of the child;

5) the daily routine of a young child;

6) the work schedule of the parents;

7) the remoteness of the parent's place of residence, which requires the establishment of a procedure for communication with the child, from the child's place of residence;

8) the length of the period during which the child did not communicate with the parent, and other circumstances (section "Consideration by the Courts of Cases on Implementation parental rights by a parent living separately from the child "Review of 07/20/2011).

Having determined the procedure for communication between the ex-spouse and the child, the court warns the second parent about possible consequences failure to comply with a court decision. In case of malicious failure to comply with the decision, the court, at the request of the former spouse who lives separately from the child, may decide to transfer the child to him based on the interests of the child (clause 3 of article 66 of the RF IC; clause 8 of Resolution N 10).

• We cannot bear the very thought that the mother may not love us and that it is impossible to love her herself.
• And yet, mothers who “do not love” and even internally “destroy” us exist.
• Breaking even such a bond is incredibly difficult, but you can try to protect yourself by establishing a distance in the relationship.

“I remember my mother and I went to my former room, where I lived as a teenager,” recalls 32-year-old Lera. - She was sitting on the bed, crying and could not stop. The death of her mother, my grandmother, seemed to just crush her - she was inconsolable. And I did not understand why she was so killed: our grandmother was a real snide. The relationship with which, by the way, cost her daughter more than seven years of psychotherapy.

As a result, my mother succeeded in everything: to establish her personal life, to create happy family and even establish a reasonable relationship with my grandmother. At least I thought so. When I asked: "Why are you crying?", She replied: "Now I will never have a good mother." So, in spite of everything, she continued to hope? During the life of my grandmother, my mother said that she did not love her, - so it turns out that she was lying? "

Relations with your own mother - at the slightest approach to this topic, the Internet forums begin to "storm". Why? What makes this inner bond of ours so unique that under no circumstances can it truly be severed? Does this mean that we, daughters and sons, are forever doomed to love the one who once gave us life?

Social commitment

"I don't love my mother." Very few people are able to pronounce such words. It is unbearably painful, and the inner prohibition on such feelings is too strong. “Outwardly, everything is fine with us,” says 37-year-old Nadezhda. “Let's just say: I try to communicate correctly, not react internally, take nothing too close to my heart.” Choosing his words, 38-year-old Artyom admits that he maintains "good" relations with his mother, "although not particularly close."

“In our public consciousness, one of the most widespread myths is about endless, disinterested and bright love between mother and child,” explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - There is competition between brothers and sisters; there is something in the love of a man and a woman that can darken her. And the affection of mother and child is the only feeling that, as they say, does not change over the years. It is not for nothing that popular wisdom says: "No one will love you like a mother."

The very thought "I have a bad mother" can destroy a person

“Mother remains a shrine,” agrees sociologist Christine Castelin-Meunier. - Today, when traditional family units are disintegrating, all sorts of roles - from parental to sexual - are shifting, familiar landmarks are lost, we are trying to hold on to something stable that has passed the test of time. That is why the traditional image of the mother is becoming unshakable as never before ”. Just a doubt about its reliability is already unbearable.

“The very thought“ I have a bad mother ”is capable of destroying a person, - says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It is no coincidence that in fairy tales the wicked witch is always the stepmother. This speaks not only of how difficult it is to accept your negative feelings towards your own mother, but also how common such feelings are. "

Initial merger

Our relationship is ambivalent, contradictory. “The degree of closeness that initially exists between a mother and a child precludes the existence of a comfortable relationship,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - First, a complete merger: we were all born under the beating of our mother's heart. Later, for the baby, she becomes an ideal omnipotent being, able to satisfy all his needs and wants.

The moment when the child realizes that the mother is imperfect becomes a shock for him. And the less it satisfies the true needs of the child, the harder the blow: sometimes he can give rise to deep resentment, which then grows into hatred. " We are all familiar with moments of bitter childhood anger - when the mother did not fulfill our desires, greatly disappointed or offended us. Perhaps we can say that they are inevitable.

“These moments of hostility are part of a child’s development,” explains psychoanalyst Alain Bracone. - If they are single, then everything goes fine. But if hostile feelings torment us for a long time, it becomes internal problem... More often this happens to children whose mothers are too busy with themselves, prone to depression, overly demanding, or, conversely, always keep aloof. "

It will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out our feelings and separate the feelings of guilt from them.

Mother and child seem to merge together, and the strength of emotions in their relationship is directly proportional to the intensity of this merger. To the only children or those who grew up in single-parent family, it is even more difficult to admit to yourself that you have hostile feelings towards your own mother.

“As far back as I can remember, I have always been the main meaning of her life,” says 33-year-old Roman. - This is probably a great happiness, which is not given to everyone - but also a difficult burden, too. For example, for a long time it was not possible for me to get to know someone, to have a personal life. She couldn't share me with anyone! " Today his connection with his mother is still very strong: “I don’t want to go far from her, I found myself an apartment very close, two stops ... Although I understand that such a relationship deprives me of real freedom.”

Almost none of the adults and even very unhappy children actually dare to burn all the bridges. They deny that they are angry with their mother, try to understand her, find excuses: she herself had a difficult childhood, a difficult fate, life did not work out. Everyone is trying to behave "as if" ... As if everything was fine, and the heart would not hurt so much.

The main thing is not to talk about it, otherwise the avalanche of pain will sweep everything away and "carry it beyond the point of no return," as Roman figuratively puts it. Adult children support this connection at all costs. “I call her out of a sense of duty,” says 29-year-old Anna. “She loves me in her heart, and I don’t want to upset her.”

In debt from birth

Psychoanalysis speaks of "the original duty" and its consequences - that feeling of guilt that connects us for life with the woman to whom we owe our birth. And whatever our feelings are, in the very depths of our souls there is still a hope that someday everything can still somehow improve. “I understand intellectually that you can't change my mother,” sighs 43-year-old Vera. “And yet I can’t come to terms with the fact that nothing will ever change between us.”

“I lost my first child in childbirth,” recalls 56-year-old Maria. - Then I thought that at least this time my mother would at least show sympathy. But no, she did not think that the death of a child was a sufficient reason for grief: after all, I had not even seen him! Since then, I have literally lost sleep. And this nightmare continued for years - until the day when, in a conversation with a psychotherapist, I suddenly realized that I did not love my mother. And I felt that I have the right to do so. "

It seems to everyone, without exception, that we were not loved as they should have been.

We have the right not to experience this love, but we do not dare to use it. “We have a long-standing, childish, insatiable longing for good parent, thirst for tenderness and unconditional love, says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - We all, without exception, think that we were not loved the way we should have. I think not a single child had exactly the kind of mother he needed. "

It is even more difficult for someone whose relationship with his mother was difficult. “In our understanding of her there is no separation between the omnipotent mother figure, familiar to us from infancy, and a real person- continues Ekaterina Mikhailova. "This image does not change in time: it also contains the depth of childhood despair, when the mother is delayed, and we think that she is lost and will not come again, and later ambivalent feelings."

Only a “good enough” mother helps us move towards adult independence. Such a mother, satisfying the vital needs of the child, makes him understand: life is worth living. She, without rushing to fulfill his slightest desire, gives another lesson: in order to live well, you need to gain independence.

Fear of becoming the same

Having entered motherhood in their turn, Vera and Maria did not mind the communication of their mothers with their grandchildren, hoping that their "bad" mothers would become at least "good" grandmothers. Before the birth of her first child, Vera found an amateur film made by her father in her childhood. A laughing young woman with a little girl in her arms was looking at her from the screen.

“My heart grew warmer,” she recalls. - In fact, our relationship soured when I became a teenager, but before that, my mother seemed to be happy that I was in the world. I am sure that I was able to become a good mother to my two sons only thanks to these first years of my life. But when I see her annoyed with my children today, everything turns upside down in me - I immediately remember what she has become. "

Maria, like Vera, took her mother as an anti-model to build relationships with her children. And it worked: "One day at the end of a long telephone conversation, my daughter said to me:" It's so nice, Mom, to talk to you. " I hung up and burst into tears. I was happy that I managed to build great relationship with my children, and at the same time bitterness stifled me: after all, I myself did not get such. "

The initial lack of maternal love in the lives of these women was partially filled by others - those who were able to convey to them the desire to have a child, helped them understand how to raise him, love and accept his love. Thanks to such people, good mothers can grow from girls with a "disliked" childhood.

Looking for indifference

When a relationship is too painful, it becomes vital to maintain the correct distance. And suffering adult children are looking for only one thing - indifference. “But this protection is very fragile: the slightest step, a gesture from the mother’s side, is enough, as everything collapses, and the person is wounded again,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. Everyone dreams of finding such spiritual protection ... and admits that they cannot find it.

“I tried to completely" disconnect "from her, moved to another city, - says Anna. - But as soon as I hear her voice in the receiver - it seems to pierce me through with an electric current ... No, it is unlikely that now I do not care. Maria chose a different strategy: "It's easier for me to maintain some kind of formal connection than to break it completely: I see my mother, but very rarely." Allowing yourself not to love the one who raised us, and not suffering too much, is incredibly difficult. But probably.

“This is a hard-won indifference,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It comes if the soul manages to survive that long-standing lack of warmth, love and care, it comes from our pacified hatred. Childhood pain will not go anywhere, but it will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out the feelings and separate the guilt from them. " Growing up means getting rid of that which fetters freedom. But growing up is a very long journey.

Change relationships

Allowing yourself not to love your mother ... Will it make it easier? No, I'm sure Ekaterina Mikhailova. It won't be any easier from this honesty. But the relationship will definitely get better.

“Changing the style of your relationship with your mother will make it less painful. But, as in tango, a counter movement of two people is necessary, so consent to change is required from both the mother and the adult child. The first step is always for the child. Try to break down your conflicting feelings about your mother. When did these emotions appear - today or in deep childhood? Perhaps some of the claims have expired.

Having broken off a difficult relationship, mother and child will stop poisoning each other's lives and wait for the impossible.

Look at your mother from an unexpected angle, imagine how she would have lived if you had not been born to her. Finally, acknowledge that your mom may have difficult feelings for you, too. When starting to build new relationships, it is important to understand how sad it is: to get away from a fatal and unique connection, to die for each other as a parent and child.

Having broken off a difficult relationship, the mother and child will stop poisoning each other's lives and wait for the impossible, they will be able to evaluate each other more coldly, soberly. Their interaction will be like friendship, cooperation. They will appreciate the time allotted to them more, learn to negotiate, joke, manage their feelings. In a word, they will learn to live ... with the fact that it is still impossible to overcome ”.

Personal experience

For the first time, many of them were able to say: "Mom did not love me" by writing a message on the forum. The anonymity of online communication and the support of other visitors can help us emotionally detach ourselves from relationships that can consume our lives. Several quotes from users of our forum.

“If she read me a children's book (which was rare), then the name of the bad character (Tanya-revushki, Masha-confused, Dirty, etc.) would be replaced by mine, and for better understanding she would point her finger at me. Another memory: we go to a neighbor's girl for her birthday, mom has two dolls. “Which one do you like best? This one? Well, that means we will give it! " According to her, this is how she brought up altruism in me. " (Freken Bock)

“Mom endlessly talked about her misadventures, and her life seemed to me a tragedy. I don't know if unloving mothers have some kind of special filter for dropping out everything that is positive, or if this is such a way of manipulation. But they also see their child extremely negatively: his appearance, and character, and intentions. And the very fact of its existence. " (Alex)

“It became easier for me when I was able to admit that my mother did not love me as a child. I accepted this as a fact of my biography, as if I “allowed” her not to love myself. And she "allowed" herself not to love her. And now I no longer feel guilty. " (Ira)

“My mother’s lack of love severely poisoned the beginning of my motherhood. I understood that I should be gentle and affectionate with the child, and I tortured these feelings, at the same time suffering from the fact that I was a “bad mother”. But he weighed me down - just as I weighed my parents. And then one day (I hope it’s not too late) I realized that love can be trained. Pump up like muscle tissue. Daily, hourly, a little bit. Do not run past when the child is open and waiting for support, affection or just participation. To catch these moments and by an effort of will to force himself to stop and give him what he needs so much. Through "I don't want, I can't, I'm tired." One small victory, the second, a habit appears, then - you feel pleasure and joy. " (Wow)

“It's hard to believe that your mom really acted THAT. The memories seem so unreal that it is impossible to stop thinking about it: was it really EXACTLY SO in reality? " (Nik)

“From the age of three I knew that my mother gets tired of the noise (which I create), because she has high blood pressure, she does not like children's games, does not like to hug and talk sweet words... I took it calmly: well, such a character. I loved her the way she was. If she was annoyed at me, then I whispered to myself the magic phrase: "Because my mother has hypertension." It even seemed to me somehow honorable that my mother was not like everyone else: she has this mysterious disease with a beautiful name. But when I grew up, she explained to me that she was sick because I was a “bad daughter”. And it psychologically just killed me. " (Madame Kolobok)

“For several years, together with a psychologist, I learned to feel like a woman, to choose clothes not for reasons of“ practical ”,“ non-mark ”(as my mother taught), but on the principle“ I like it ”. I learned to listen to myself, to understand my desires, to talk about my needs ... Now I can communicate with my mother as with a friend, a person of a different circle who cannot offend me. Perhaps this can be called a success story. The only thing is that I don't really want children. Mom said: "Do not give birth, do not marry, this is hard labor." I turn out to be an obedient daughter. Although now I live with a young man, it means that I have left a loophole for myself. " (Oxo)