Consider in this article conflicts between parents and children- how and why they arise and how they can be resolved. Conflict situations lie in wait for us almost at every step, and in some cases the case ends in an open dispute, in others - an unspoken and hidden resentment, and sometimes, and a real "battle".

Causes of conflicts between parents and children

Let's take one of the typical examples of the cause of the conflict between parents and children (is it familiar to you?): The family is sitting in front of the TV in the evening, but everyone wants to watch their own. For example, a son is an avid fan, and he expects to watch the broadcast of a football match. Mom is in the mood for another episode of a foreign film. A dispute flares up: mom can't miss the episode, she "waited for her all day"; the son cannot refuse the match in any way: he "waited for him even longer!"

What creates a conflict situation and leads to the "heat of passions"? Obviously, the matter is in the clash of interests of the parent and the child, which gives rise to a conflict. Note that in such cases, the satisfaction of the desire of one side means infringement of the interests of the other and causes strong negative experiences: irritation, resentment, anger. What to do in such cases?

Non-constructive conflict resolution

The famous psychologist Yu. B. Gippenreiter combines two well-known non-constructive ways of resolving conflicts under the title "Only one wins".

The first non-constructive way to resolve the conflict between parents and children can be called "Only the parent wins": Parents who are inclined to use the first method believe that it is necessary to defeat the child, to break his resistance. Give him free rein, so he "sits on his neck", "will do what he wants."

Without noticing it, they show children a dubious example of behavior: "always achieve what you want, regardless of the desires of the other." And children are very sensitive to the manners of their parents, and from early childhood they are imitated. So in families where authoritarian, forceful methods are used, children quickly learn to do the same. They seem to return the lesson taught to adults, and then "the scythe finds it on the stone."

There is another version of this method: gently but persistently demand that the child fulfill his desire. This is often accompanied by explanations with which the child ultimately agrees. However, if such pressure is a constant tactic of parents, with the help of which they always achieve their goal, then the child learns another rule: "My personal interests (desires, needs) do not count, you still have to do what the parents want or demand."

In some families, this goes on for years, and the children are constantly defeated. They tend to grow up either aggressive or overly passive. But in both cases, they accumulate resentment and resentment, their relationship with their parents cannot be called close and trusting.

The second non-constructive way to resolve the conflict between parents and children- "Only the child wins": This path is followed by parents who are either afraid of conflicts ("peace at any cost"), or are ready to constantly sacrifice themselves "for the good of the child", or both. In these cases, children grow up as selfish, not accustomed to order, unable to organize themselves.

All this may not be so noticeable within the family "general compliance", but as soon as they go out the door of the house and get involved in some common cause, they begin to experience great difficulties. At school, at work, in any company, no one wants to indulge them anymore.

In such a family, parents accumulate deaf discontent. own child and their destiny. In old age, these "eternally compliant" adults are often lonely and abandoned. And only then does an epiphany come: they cannot forgive themselves for softness and unrequited dedication.

A constructive way of resolving conflicts: "Both sides win: both the parent and the child"

The solution algorithm includes several steps:

• 1. Clarification of the conflict situation;
• 2. Collection of proposals;
• 3. Evaluation of proposals and selection of the most acceptable;
• 4. Detailing the solution;
• 5. Execution of the decision; examination.

The first step is to clarify the conflict situation: First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or does not want, what he needs or is important, what makes him difficult, etc. He does this in the style of active listening, that is, he necessarily voices the desire, need or difficulty of the child. After that, he speaks about his desire or problem, using the form "Me of the message". For example: “You know, I was really looking forward to this program (instead of:“ Don't you know that I watch it every day ?! ”).

Once again, I will note that it is necessary to start with listening to the child. After he makes sure that you hear his problem, he is much more willing to hear yours, as well as take part in the search for a joint solution. Often, as soon as an adult begins to actively listen to the child, the severity of the brewing conflict subsides.

The second step is collecting proposals: This stage begins with the question: "How can we be?" After that, you must definitely wait, give the child the opportunity to be the first to propose a solution (or solutions), and only then offer your options.

At the same time, not a single proposal, even the most inappropriate, from your point of view, is rejected from the spot. At first, proposals are simply typed into the basket. If there are many sentences, you can write them down on a piece of paper. When the collection of proposals is over, they take the next step.

The third step is evaluating proposals for resolving the conflict and choosing the most appropriate: At this stage, a joint discussion of proposals takes place. The "parties" by this time already know each other's interests, and the previous steps help create an atmosphere of mutual respect. When several parties are involved in the discussion, the most acceptable proposal is one that suits all participants.

Step four - detail the decision : Suppose the family decided that the son is already big, and it is time for him to get up on his own, have breakfast and go to school. This will free mom from early hassle and give her the opportunity to get enough sleep. However, one solution is not enough. We need to teach the child how to use the alarm clock, show where what food is, how to warm up breakfast, etc.

Fifth step - execution, verification: let's take this example: the family decided to relieve the mother's burden, to divide household chores more evenly. After going through all the stages, we came to a definite decision. It would be nice to write it down on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall (see step four).

Suppose the eldest son had such responsibilities: take out the trash, wash dishes in the evenings, buy bread and take away younger brother into the garden. If before the boy did not do all this regularly, then at first breakdowns are possible.

Don't blame him for every failure. Better to wait a few days. At a convenient moment, when he and you have time, and no one is annoyed, you can ask: "Well, how are you doing? Is it working out?"

It is better if the child himself says about the failures. There may be too many of them. Then it is worth clarifying what, in his opinion, the reason. Maybe something was not taken into account, or some help is needed; or he would have preferred another, "more responsible" assignment.

Finally, Dear friends, it is worth noting that this method does not leave anyone with a feeling of loss and will allow you to resolve the conflict between parents and the child as efficiently as possible... He invites to cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.

Reader question:

Good day! My conflict with my parents has not stopped for 12 years now: since my departure from hometown to study in Moscow.

It all started at 17, when, having started an isolated life away from home, I began to become independent. Any trifle caused problems and quarrels: the wrong clothes or hairstyle, skin condition, the presence or absence of a manicure. Also, my mother was offended that I did not share my experiences with her. When I shared them, then over time, these same shared experiences were blamed on me.

Gradually I moved away. There was even a period when, to my greatest shame, I did not feel anything towards my parents. And they beat into my closed heart and could not reach him with tears or threats. I must say that for the first time I heard "if you ...., then you no longer have parents", at 19, when we were traveling in full uniforms on a train on a several-day hike with fellow students. I could not refuse the campaign, and I considered the campaign a highly exaggerated reason for such measures. Upon my return, there were lengthy telephone conversations with mutual accusations.

In the future, such words began to be spoken more often. The reasons remained trivial. I was not allowed to give a temporary shelter to my friend in the room I rented (until she finds a new apartment for herself), you cannot communicate with her, because she has a bad influence on me. Then it became impossible to invite a family of college friends to stay for a week in order to understand whether they could live in my city, and work in Moscow, because my father and mother are against me turning the apartment into a hostel. Mom didn't like both my friend and the family of friends: indeed, after communicating with them, a desire to live and create wakes up in me.

When I first got married in defiance of my parental will, I, unfortunately, listened mom's advice and thus destroyed her family. My divorce was greeted with joy and a rejuvenated mother. Unfortunately, my mother always liked the young people with whom I met at first, but the clearer the seriousness of their intentions became, the less sympathy my boyfriend aroused.

I am married now. A little less than a year... We met my husband thanks to my mother's insistence to register on the site. When we met our parents, we announced our desire not to celebrate the wedding, but simply to sign. And to gather relatives for the wedding. Initially, nothing was said against. But for the wedding we were literally forced to do differently: to invite the parents to the painting, because it is important for them. My husband did not make a concession and from that moment the conflict entered the next round. We were asked to postpone the wedding, we postponed. But they signed as planned.

With this conflict, I went to the priest for advice. I was advised to shorten the communication. It was possible to perform it only recently - we did not communicate for almost 2 weeks. Honestly, these weeks were so calm that I was amazed. Recently it became clear that my parents expected these weeks to be a lesson and punishment for me for misbehavior. And I have nothing of the kind.

All my thoughts are busy looking for a solution to the conflict. My husband feels like a useless appendage to my relationship with my parents. and gets upset that I do not heed the advice of either priest or his. He dropped his hands somehow to pull me out of this quagmire. And after all, he is right in many ways - I have no idea how to be a spouse. I can’t either grow up or accept. The problem has worn me out to the extreme. I feel that although I don’t listen to my mother and don’t let her into my family, my family is like an abandoned boat ... I cannot just forget about my parents and call once a month. I love my dad very much. I am tormented by my conscience for hurting my parents, that they are shedding tears. And I also can't switch to creating my family. I am very afraid to destroy everything that the Lord has given me. I am reading the Gospel about parents. But I can't cope with the situation ... Help, please! Maybe I need a psychologist or psychotherapist?

Psychologist's answer:

Daria, hello!

thanks for detailed description situations.
I will immediately answer your question - you really need to go to a psychologist and as soon as possible, here's why:

Your relationship with your parents is not just a protracted conflict. This is the so-called codependent relationship - the emotional dependence of some family members on others.

In such a situation, any trifle can really become a problem, especially if it somehow indicates an attempt to separate, become independent, or oppose something to the opinion of the parents. They will hold back by any means, and you described it perfectly. The good news is that this is a fairly common problem and there are proven ways to fix it. And the solution to this question depends on you - you cannot control a person without his consent (conscious or unconscious). But there are several types of codependent behavior, and it can have different roots. Any participant in such an interaction receives his own psychological benefits, even a "victim". In order to highlight these and other difficulties, to find ways out of them in a specific situation, to learn how to find resources, the help of a qualified psychologist is needed.

Codependency is not spiritual, but psychological problem... Therefore, in addition to reading the Gospel about parents, other actions are necessary here.

Need to remember important thing: your family (you and your spouse, then your children) is just your family. Neither parents, nor friends, nor anyone else should have unconditional access to it. The Bible says: "A man will leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife ..." (Gen. 2; 24). This does not mean that you have to build a blank fence and stay there alone, call your parents once a month. The fence should be, but with a gate that you open at will. The less details about your internal family life others know, incl. parents, the less leverage they have on you. You have the right to talk about your life as much as you think is necessary. In your particular case, this is very important, because judging by what you describe, parents are actively trying to manage your personal and family life.

I will briefly touch on the period when you did not feel anything for your parents, for which you are painfully ashamed. You talk about very characteristic things: the parents tried to reach out, with tears or threats (apparently they are still trying). This is not really a way to interact. This is a way to achieve what you want in any way, in other words, it is manipulation. Children act the same way - they are capricious or fight when they don't get what they want.

Despite the fact that in our society they do not attach the proper importance to emotions, in reality it is an excellent "marker" of what is happening to us and it is very important to be able to listen to them (another reason for contacting a psychologist). Emotions set the so-called “task for meaning”: why in this situation do I feel this, when I should feel this? You did not feel anything for your parents, despite the tears and threats. What does this tell you?

Notice the contradictions in your feelings: you cannot call once a month, you are very ashamed of it, but you felt good and calm when you did not communicate with them for half a month. Here we are confronted with another characteristic feature of codependent relationships - neurotic feelings of guilt. It differs from the real voice of conscience in that it appears when there are no real reasons. In codependent relationships, neurotic guilt is almost always present.

Dear Daria, I can imagine how hard it is for you now. I am sure that parents “do not know what they are doing” and do so with the best of intentions. However, the situation is such that it cannot be resolved by advice and complaints alone; a long and serious work on oneself is needed. Remember what harder way, the more valuable the reward awaits you.

An archive of all questions can be found ... If you have not found a question that interests you, you can always ask it .

Awesome call to action, Anton! And it's great if we - Adults - do it EVERY DAY!

Stop and look around ... And you will surely see NEIGHBORING CHILDREN NEARBY, in the store, crossing the road or on the playground, in transport ...

CHILDREN NEED ATTENTION ...
How can it be expressed in Everyday life? Smile, Kind word, Help (to cross the road), Support, Protection, Advice. Do you have a habit of TALKING with the children of our friends? Do we arrange specially for them - for the children of our friends - Holidays, going out into nature, Games, Contests.

"Faithful in small things - faithful in many things." We begin to CHANGE Our World by CHANGING Ourselves, the usual way of thinking, acquiring New habits.

Thank you Anton, WE ALL need a periodic "shake-up" ...

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1. For some reason, the words of Stefan Zweig come to mind: "... There are two kinds of compassion. One is cowardly and sentimental, it is, in essence, nothing more than the impatience of the heart, hurrying to quickly get rid of the painful sensation at the sight of someone else's misfortune; this is not compassion , but only an instinctive desire to protect your peace from the suffering of your neighbor. even over them. "

   Anton! You are an amazing person! Thank you for reminding people of such critical issues as unprotected childhood and abortion.

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2. Hello Anton! The problem revealed in the topic is one of main problem our society. It is very scary that many children are deprived of parental affection and neglect. Yes, all children want to have parents. In our city, near the house there is a shelter "Nadezhda" - there are children who have families and know their parents, but because the parents do not want or cannot fulfill their parental responsibilities for various reasons ... their children forced to wait for their fate in this shelter. They are either sent to orphanages or taken away by their relatives, having issued guardianship. Of course, visiting orphanages is an important and necessary business, but unfortunately, this does not solve the problem as a whole. It is a small holiday for a child's soul. And such holidays must take place for existence ...

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3. Hello Anton! I am glad to meet a man who loves children and thinks so deeply about serious problems!
   And not only thinks, but helps abandoned children in practice - with simple attention, the desire to understand and see the Personality in the little person.
   It is this quality that fascinates me in people most of all - the ability to see in another person (no matter whether it is small or large, significant or maybe be, in appearance insignificant) A person worthy of respect and attention, and therefore love.
   I was very touched by your article, Anton.
   You have become an example for me in how simple and effective it is to help those who need your help and who are the most defenseless in our society.
   You are right - for any person the main thing is attention, and for a child, a small forming Personality, it is especially important.
   It is necessary to remember this and give it to children as much as possible and in our power ...

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4. "At that moment, her eyes were filled with such hope that I somehow felt uncomfortable ..."
   No wonder Anton.
   A person just needs to know and feel
   that someone needs him - even for a day, even for a minute ...
   And this hope in the eyes of the girl will embarrass anyone, especially when there is no way to justify it ...

   It is very difficult to help such children, just visiting is not enough.
   Each such visit, for them a "bell" - what if they take it away.
   We must not forget that we are responsible for those we tame.
   May God grant you health Anton - you are not indifferent person!

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5. Anton, you are doing the right thing and you are taking a very serious topic - topic indifference and compassion.

   Lack of attention in childhood breeds anger and indifference. It is from such "offended in childhood" who did not receive love and attention that the queues of "cuckoo" mothers line up. And the same guys calmly offer their girls to have an abortion or abandon their children in the hospital.

   In orphanages, there is a large proportion of orphans whose parents have died. But each of them has relatives: close, distant. Again, out of indifference, we overwhelm orphanages. We live according to the principle "my house is on the edge."

   Now, most often, orphanages are well provided for financially. In any case, in large, capital cities for sure. My daughter visits other student volunteers at the orphanage.

   We decided to collect things (good quality, clean) in Orphanage, but we were refused: only new ones with tags are accepted.

   Children lack basic, simple human attention. And you can't buy and transfer it like a transfer.

   Many are neglected children, and children oligarchs including. Once I witnessed a very unpleasant scene. 6th summer girl, a clever beauty, threw a tantrum to her grandfather, who had come to visit, and even pounced on him with fists. He didn't react in any way.

   I could not resist, spoke out my attitude to this, to which he said: "We have no right to interfere with education. She has parents. We are only observers."
   In my opinion, this is indifference squared!
   The girl rarely sees her dad, since he is one of the "come, Sundays". Mom is only interested in the external state of affairs. And she decides the fate of the child. She is near, but at the same time, very far away. This is her indifference, which will later come back to haunt her in old age. And the girl generously distributes her anger to others.

   Fear indifference! -This is what I felt after reading your post.

   Anton, thanks for the article.

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6. Hello dear colleagues, friends and guests!

   Thank you all for the kind and positive words addressed to my material! I am very glad that all of you are interested in this topic and that everyone has let this through themselves. I am very glad that everyone, even for a moment, but thought that apart from all our daily worries, aspirations and constant haste, there are those who cannot understand where we are all adults, in a hurry, why we work a lot and we communicate so little ... Hurry up to pay attention to your loved ones !!! Hurry to do good! In fact, not much time is given to us in our life ...

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7. The question that you raise is very serious and requires everyone's attention. Recently I thought about why I am especially affected by what happens to children and animals. And I realized ... they are weaker than us adults and we have the strength and ability to help them, but do I take this opportunity? ... Unfortunately, helping everyone who I would like is not in my power, but that I am in my power I will definitely do it!

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8. Hello Anton! I am somehow uncomfortable and embarrassed to write you comments today ... Here I have a friend, he raised three daughters ... and suddenly, well over 30, he takes another girl into the family. To my question: "Why?" he simply replies that if he can give another child a happy life (he has a good income, even at the present time), why not ... Simply, without pathos. I began to quietly take pride in such a friendship. without loud words, did a lot of good deeds. But it's not me ... We didn't have enough impulse for such a feat. But my three children grew up, now we have our own and adopted grandchildren ... I really want our warmth to be enough at all. And wisdom, not to offend anyone ... We are trying.
   I also know, firsthand, the lack of attention of such deprived children. My eldest granddaughter attends the orphanage social assistance local. No, no ... nothing wrong with us. On the basis of this center is a rehabilitation center for children with disabilities, according to this status we have the right to attend circles there. I like that the children temporarily living there communicate with our "home" who come This teaches us to communicate with disabled children and children, well, they are not orphans, but they are already "abandoned" by their would-be parents. The granddaughter's sense of ownership was very aggravated when I give those children attention. But such situations teach her compassion and kindness, life lessons were very beneficial, of course. We even made friends there, in some way, if we come to them for a walk, they are very happy. Such children keenly feel any good, even the smallest. You are doing a great job. you have strength and kindness ... Not everyone will repeat after you, but the fact that you focus the attention of society on this is also a necessary thing. A drop wears away a stone, and good things are sometimes repeated and find followers ... I want to believe ...

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9. Hello Galina!
   What you write is just wonderful and great! You and your grandchildren are doing what no money can create, no treasures on earth! It is a great miracle that in our time there are people like your grandchildren, like you and all my distinguished guests who have left comments here. It's just that real life is so perverted that sometimes many people lose heart when they have to face only problems. But when a desperate person meets mercy, mutual assistance, elementary help, then there comes a simple insight that how ... how can this be? I meet a lot of people who already believe in little ... But thank God that there are a lot of open, decent and responsive people. This suggests that our society is still great! Thank you, thank you to everyone who supported me!

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10. Anton! Hello! I am a happy man. I grew up and was brought up in foster family... I was the only and beloved child. I did not remember and did not remember another family until I went to school ...
    "not indifferent adults" - pointed a finger and "hissed in the trail" ...
    There weren't even hints from relatives, near and far. And only years later, I am already a grandmother, in a conversation with my cousin, we slightly outlined this topic.
    I have been working at the school for over 20 years. Among my students there were also orphanages. My colleague, due to circumstances, worked in an orphanage at circle work- "Housekeeping" - this was given special attention.
    So I know these children, both open and closed, talented and gifted, petty and cruel, with a "scorched" soul.
    Not everything is as simple as it seems. Every child needs a family ...
    Very few of them will be able to create families and raise their children in them. Many are destined for the path to a children's labor colony, and even to prison.
    And to communicate with them is not only the work of the soul and heart, but also of the mind.
    At a glance, in one word, you can achieve different results:
    - sow the seeds of hope,
    - mortally wound,
    - or revive to life.
    Anton! Thank you for the article. You cannot remain indifferent. Accept and love MUST!

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11. The attitude towards children, as it seems to me, is an attitude towards one's future. We know from history what great importance the Bolsheviks attached to the children's issue, who promptly closed the problem of homelessness after the civil war. Consequently, the leaders of that time understood the importance of an arranged childhood for the country's prospects. I will not undertake to assert whether this understanding exists now. It is all the more important what each of us does for that child who is near and who is completely dependent on the world of adults.

    Anton, please set up commenting according to the Marathon rules.

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12. Thank you Anton! You have stirred up compassion.
    I subscribe to the statements that if you got down to business - go to the end.
    Do not create vain expectations in the soul of a tamed child. Therefore, you need to measure your strengths and capabilities before deciding to sponsor a child.
    Glory to those who undertook to help thaw and warm the orphan's heart and go for it to the end!

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13. ANTON!
    The topic of your post is very close to me. I am a teacher. I love children. Today my main occupation is to help to become successful at school.
    The modern school depersonalizes children, arranges them all in one row, but they are all very different, and they all want the attention of the teacher.
    Children are a very big topic and a painful one for our society.
    Parents are busy with work; children are on their own.
    There are a lot of temptations in our life. Children easily succumb to them. Nothing good comes of it.
    One conclusion is to be very attentive to children.

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14. Anton, your article and such a big topic, touched upon in it, cannot leave anyone indifferent, it touches to the depths of the soul.
    Honor and praise to you and your wife that you are doing such a good and difficult deed, God bless you both strength and health!
    Elena Meteleva

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15. Hello Galina!
    What a pity that not all teachers think and think like you! I was lucky, I had such teachers ... Low bow to you, for your dedication to work and sincere love to the children!

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16. Mercy is a sweet heart. You, Anton, have a sweet, golden heart. I was surprised that it was a man who raised such a topic. My obeisances.

    I don't like sentimentality either. If I can, I'll do it better.

    Children are often unwanted because they are just side effect... And now is the era of sensual pleasures. Body worship. And everything that hinders enjoyment is on the side. And the children too. The living were still lucky, they were given birth.

    The lack of spirituality of a society can destroy this society as a species.

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17. Anton, I was very pleasantly surprised that the author of such articles is a man !! You write so mentally and humanly about such difficult things. It seems to me that it is difficult to come to an orphanage for the first time, but it is even more difficult to leave when you recognize these still small, but already such adults. A lot of pain of suffering is hidden in their little hearts and it is impossible not to let it pass through yourself, being next to them. I'd like very much that as much as possible more people there were people like you, Anton. Thank you!!

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18. Thank you, Anton, for the heartfelt article.
    My attitude towards orphanage children has changed over the years. From painful empathy to understanding the reasons for their increased adaptability. And, finally, to the desire to take two children for adoption in the future. Here the soul asks and that's it ...

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19. Yes, adopting one of the guys is a great feat. Not everyone is capable of such an act. Bowing down to those who took this step. May God grant you, Laura, mental and physical strength for this.

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20. Hello, Olga, hello, Irina! I understand you and your surprise that a man reveals a similar topic. But I want to say that I am, first of all, a person, a future father, and most importantly, that I really love children!
    This is probably the whole reason why I am writing these articles ...))

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21. Hello Anton! After such an article, the majority of readers will have a reason to think: about their children, as well as about strangers.
    It would be a great idea if you come to the children's shelter not only to listen to them and give them attention. Better yet, to teach them to be positive and successful. Children is our future! If they are positive and successful, our future will be happy!

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22. And in our city they are trying to bring orphanages to rural areas. Probably out of sight - out of mind. When there was an orphanage for little ones in the city, I wanted to give away children's things from my children - they didn’t take them. Going to the children is quite difficult, you can't get off for an hour a week. It is necessary to devote all of oneself to this, otherwise - you will anger and offend even worse. Those who have a vocation for pedagogy go to such work and to such volunteering. And we, ordinary people, need to educate our children and grandchildren as decent people so that there are no lonely children in the world. In general, I am against ordinary orphanages, I am for family orphanages, where children grow up in families of people who have consciously taken responsibility for them.

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23. Hello Anton! I want to say right away that the topic is very painful for me ... In what sense? I don't just love children, I just breathe them. But fate decreed otherwise, the doctors categorically forbade having children ... I often began to think about such questions, which is why I really want to have children, but I can't, and someone just takes and abandons their baby.

    I do not know how my fate will develop in the future, but if I can (financially) provide for at least one abandoned baby, I will do it without hesitation and will give all my affection, warmth and love.

    We, too, as in other cities, have orphanages. But I'm on this moment I'm afraid to go there. Suddenly it happens that I will become attached to the baby, he will be adopted and taken away somewhere far away ... on the other hand, I really want to visit the kids.

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24. Hello Anton. The article led to many thoughts. Any living creature strives to be loved by someone. Man even consciously. And he also deliberately protects himself from this feeling.
    I thought about why people avoid visiting orphanages and communicating with children, do not want to take part in the upbringing and formation of personality.
    Sometimes even in a family it comes down to upbringing at the household level (dressed, fed, homework ...) Employment? No communication.
    My niece grew up with my grandmother (my mother). My sister is alive, but the child turned out to be "superfluous". All communication was reduced to candy, brought once a month with the words "I have no time now."
    Later, at the age of 13, during one conversation, my niece remarked, "In the summer, I liked the camp. I met several guys who, like me, live with their grandmothers. Although my parents are alive. I realized that I am not the only one."
    Something turned upside down in me then. From the fact that for so many years she kept this feeling in herself and tried to find contact with her mother. Now the situation has changed. The mother reaches out to her, the daughter turned away.
    Perhaps many avoid communicating with orphans because they simply do not know how to behave and what to say. From your own inner experience. Although communication itself is already decisive.

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25. Only yesterday my daughter, who was admitted to the hospital with her little daughter, suggested typing JUVENAL JUSTICE in the search - try it yourself, it won’t seem a little :-(

    Here is a quote from the very first site from the Yandex list:

    http://www.juvenaljustice.ru/
    What else do they want to do in Russia to take the family under strict control?
    Adopt a law on juvenile justice, which will change Russian legislation and, under the slogan of caring for children, will turn their parents into targets for punishment and will consolidate the right of the court to decide how a child should be raised and what is good for him.
    Create a juvenile court that will decide the fate of children and families, in which crowds of psychologists, sociologists, and educators will work against parents under the slogan of caring for children.
    Create juvenile technologies. That is, instructions and techniques that will describe how to quickly and at no extra cost remove a child from the family, how to fix parental shortcomings, what acts and conclusions are needed so that the parent does not recover, and the child will definitely go to an orphanage, and then for adoption.

    And here is an example, it happened in France with our compatriot and her daughter ...
    http://www.pravoslavie.ru/guest/080131143826.htm

    The topic is very complex, and just visiting orphanages will not dare.
    Thank you, Anton, for your labor of the Soul!
    I wish you to stand on this path!
    Tamara Klimova

    Answer Delete

26. Thank you, Anton! And I remembered that our state itself is increasing the number of children who find themselves in orphanages. How parents were once repressed, and children were thrown into orphanages, and then if relatives took the children away, they changed their patronymics, surnames ... And now many people beyond the edge of poverty are not able to raise their children, they send them to orphanages. Our Kazan Rotary club helps orphanages. Children participate in concerts organized by us, subbotniks. We are giving classes for them. Best regards Svetlana Sidorova

    Answer Delete

27. Anton, you have touched upon a very important topic. We often hear “Children are our future” but how many children are around us from dysfunctional families from orphanages. In my city, and indeed, like in many other cities, there are many children who are engaged in begging. And the worst thing about this is that indifferent adults stand behind the backs of these children. My soul hurts, I don't know how to help them. Give money - adults will take it away. Maybe on Anton's blog, we will all figure out how to help these children. If each of us helps at least one child, then the situation will change and there will be fewer disadvantaged children on the streets.

    Answer Delete

28. There are about 12.5 thousand orphans in the Novosibirsk region.
    And only 7% of children have no parents.
    93% of biological parents are in prison, deprived of parental rights or shy away from raising children.
    6900 children (55%) are brought up in families of guardians and trustees, in foster families, in family-educational groups, in family-type orphanages.
    The rest live in orphanages and children's homes. (There are about 400 children from 0 to 4 years old in five orphanages in the Novosibirsk region). About 500 children are adopted annually. Half of them are in the framework of international adoption.

    Today the statistics may be somewhat different.

    Orphans, children with disabilities ... And how many domestic children do we have who are deprived of affection and parental warmth? I'm not talking about dysfunctional families! Often, parents simply pay off their children with money, expensive gifts...

    I have a friend (40 years old) who is still in a grudge against her mother ... Although she saw and had in her childhood and youth, much more than many ...

    Health and prosperity.
    Best regards, Olga Batyreva.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! Please help me figure it out, I need a side view. I grew up in a normal, ordinary family, mom, dad, education, at 22 I got married, I have a daughter from my first marriage. I divorced my first husband because I suffered for five years, drank, walked, hurt, and when I grew wiser, I didn't need it anymore. She hid many problems from her parents while she was married, tried to solve everything herself. It all started with the fact that mine younger sister graduated from high school and had to go to college. Out of my kindness, I voiced to my parents that I could look after her and invited her to another city where I currently live. Parents live in the village. It didn’t seem to be a bad start. She helped me with my daughter, the relationship was not bad. Then, when I got divorced, in short term I connected my life with my second husband and everything, too, seemed to be not bad. But after a while, problems began. Sister slowly sang to mom that she felt uncomfortable, superfluous. I tried to talk to her, to find the root of the problem, but I realized that my sister wants to live separately. Time passed, they lived either normally, then again some discontent on her part, she periodically came up with some kind of problems, presented to her parents beautifully. The bottom line is as follows. V Lately her boyfriend began to come often and stay with us, I asked her to do it less often. Then it all started. She packed her things, went home, said what she wanted, we had a fight with my parents, I was accused that I kicked my sister out of the house and the child does not know where to live. I paused, called my parents and we seemed to be reconciled, my sister took some of the things and moved out to her friend. But my husband saw fit to call her and asked to give the keys and pick up the remaining things. I didn't want it sincerely. He said that her things were collected, she can take them. A minute later, my mother called me, accused that I had kicked her daughter out of the house, cursed her and said that I no longer exist, after a while my sister wrote something similar that I no longer exist. I have a condition to put a noose around my neck, I don’t know what to do next.

PS: when living together, of course, there was a misunderstanding with my sister, she ate at our expense, my husband did not like it, I didn’t care, there were moments when her husband defied her, because something annoyed him, there were moments when my sister or me that was annoying.

The psychologist answers the question.

Good day, Marina.

Of course, it's not worth getting into a noose over quarrels. Life is such that it presents us with various difficulties and trials. Tests for endurance, wisdom and love. There is no point in examining the question "Why did my sister behave this way?" You have enough wisdom to understand simple reasons: most likely, jealousy of parents, a feeling of rivalry, which fate usually endows the second child with at birth. Plus, something else. Perhaps you yourself have some negative feelings towards her: jealousy, misunderstanding of her actions, etc. And at the same time, you may love her a lot.

What should you do now? Step back and look at the situation from the outside, like a movie about someone.

Perhaps it is even worth crying about the fate of the heroine of this film. But don't evaluate or dig deep.

Marina, what I am going to write may be somewhat unusual for you, this is work experience and knowledge. But the conclusions are up to you, to accept the information or not, also to you.

The contradictory feelings of sisters (as well as brothers) is a normal state of affairs. The question is how do we accept these feelings. It will not be possible to close oneself only with "good" feelings for the sister. To acknowledge the "negative" experiences in oneself is to have wisdom. We can understand that sometimes this person annoys us, we do not like some of his character traits. By accepting this irritation as what it is, we learn to accept a person in all his qualities (and even in those that sincerely enrage us).

Therefore, Marina, accept your sister for who she is - do not try to understand, justify or accuse her, let alone change her. Just let her be who she is. Likewise, don't try to understand parenting behavior. They love you - and this is the most important thing.

Why did they behave like that ??? Because of worries, misunderstandings. Don't make excuses, Marina. You can apologize to them (when you yourself are ready for this in 6 months, a year or more) just for giving them unpleasant experiences. This will show them that they are an important part of your life. But they must be ready to accept it too. While they are angry, they simply will not hear you.

What follows from this? Let go of the situation as one that has already happened. Ask yourself, "What did this teach you?" Maybe you took on a lot of responsibility for yourself, but it was worth sharing it with your parents, with your sister: you suggested that your sister move to another city, but you yourself were not ready for this - you have your own life (what did your sister plan for? What did your parents think? or they gladly agreed that you are so good), ate at your expense (you yourself, wishing to be good for your sister, made her a consumer).

Marina, this situation taught you a lot: you can only answer for yourself, you won't be good for everyone. This is a tremendous lesson. Be grateful for it.

The way your husband did - he did what he saw fit. It is no longer worth blaming him for this. This can only undermine your relationship with him. Conversations asking them to discuss family issues before taking action is an important step towards building a good relationship. Let them go well.

Marina, now you should take the situation as a lesson, step back and give your family time to calm down. Time will pass and your relationship will improve.

Live wisely.

4.9705882352941 Rating 4.97 (17 Votes)

Legal advice:

1. What is the current state of affairs with the inheritance of loans from "departed" parents / spouses in case of abandonment of the inheritance?

1.1. We look at the Civil Code of the Russian Federation Article 1175. Liability of heirs for the debts of the testator

1. The heirs who have accepted the inheritance shall be jointly liable for the debts of the testator (Article 323).
Each of the heirs is liable for the debts of the testator within the value of the inherited property transferred to him.
If the inheritance is not accepted, then no debts are transferred.

Did the answer help you? Not really

1.2. Alexey Anatolyevich!
If the heirs refused the inheritance, then the property goes into the escheat category and the heirs, and consequently, municipalities become debtors to creditors. At the same time, the collection from the specified heirs of the debt within the value of escheated property has certain legal difficulties.

Did the answer help you? Not really

2. Is it possible to abandon adoptive parents at the age of 33? And how is the process going?

2.1. I suggest that you familiarize yourself with article 153.2 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation:
Termination of a foster family agreement
(introduced Federal law from 24.04.2008 N 49-FZ)
1. An agreement on a foster family is terminated on the grounds provided for by civil law for the termination of obligations, as well as in connection with the termination of guardianship or trusteeship (A.S .: for example, if the child reaches the age of majority or emancipation).
2. Adoptive parents has the right to refuse to fulfill the agreement on a foster family if there are valid reasons (illness, change in family or property status, lack of understanding with the child or children, the presence of conflict relations between children, and others).
The guardianship and trusteeship body has the right to refuse to fulfill the agreement on the foster family if unfavorable conditions arise in the foster family for the maintenance, upbringing and education of the child or children, the return of the child or children to the parents, or the adoption of the child or children.
3. If the basis for the termination of the foster family agreement was a significant violation of the agreement by one of the parties through its fault, the other party has the right to demand compensation for losses caused by the termination of this agreement.

The foster family agreement is terminated by the guardianship authority.

Did the answer help you? Not really

3. Do I need a refusal from a parent to register for going to a nursing home?

3.1. Natalia, hello!

In order to place your parent in a nursing home, your waiver is not required.