"This is your salvation!"

How to live with a child diagnosed with autism? How to take it? Is the life of such families really a continuous tragedy, cross or punishment (as many people who are not familiar with autism think)?

– In our case, everything began to manifest itself before the age of one: the child was lagging behind in development, demonstrated unusual behavior, and his general state of health worsened. But this became clearly noticeable in the second year of life, when we realized that the child would not “grow out”, as experts told us. Unfortunately, our health care system for monitoring a small child is built in such a way that at this stage doctors are not yet sounding the alarm, mechanisms to help such children (from one to two years old) are not connected. Only by the age of three parents are announced the diagnosis, when it is practically formed, and enhanced rehabilitation begins, but the prognosis worsens.

How to live with such a child? - Very simple. This is not a tragedy, not a cross and not an event after which life immediately goes downhill. It all depends on how people perceive their fate: if they accept what is happening to them and are ready for everything new, then the appearance of such a child is another opportunity to open some kind of door in life.

There are a number of related areas that you get to know, you meet new interesting people. Of course, this does not happen without loss, but if you are ready for a new life, then you quickly accept this situation.

When we first heard the diagnosis, we were told this: your child will have developmental delay or mental retardation at best, autism at worst. I used to read about autism, I was interested in this problem, and I didn’t understand why there would be autism in the “worst case”, but my husband and I were definitely scared at first, there was some shock. Autism was diagnosed in a daughter, our second child (four children in total). We had bright plans for several years ahead, and now we are being told that everything is bad with you and will be even worse. And we began to look for ways out - it took months and years: to try to help our child and others with a similar problem, to research activities and attempts to teach society to accept people with autism.

It turned out that there are more and more such children, parents, as a rule, have a hard time accepting the condition of their child, society is initially not ready to contact autistic people, there is practically no more or less intelligible system of assistance.

Olga Povoroznyuk:

- Everyone has different stories, on the one hand, but on the other hand, they are quite typical. I have a second child diagnosed with autism, a 13-year-old boy.

By the age of one, you begin to expect communication skills, flashes of intelligence from the child, what we are used to with the first child (the age difference is small). We all waited for that, but by the age of one we realized that our son was behaving somehow strangely: he was looking either at you, or through you, it was impossible to catch a glance, there was no speech. The word "autism" I first heard in the summer of 2004 from my husband. He started typing our symptoms into an Internet search and said, “You know, it looks like we have autism.” The child was then one and a half years old.

Psychiatric care at this age is not provided at all, from the age of four only an examination by a psychiatrist, so at that moment we were only at the neurologist, who confirmed our assumptions. Neurological drugs were offered and nothing more. At the age of two, we had a tomography and, on our own initiative, went to a psychiatrist.

Some doctors absolutely do not feel sorry for their parents - and this is bad: even speaking the truth, one must do it tactfully. And some (either from indifference or from unprofessionalism) inspire hope so much that “everything is fine with you”, that because of this, a whole period of time is lost in inaction.

Our option was the second: we were told that everything is fine with us, it’s just that the child has disharmonious development (although, as I later realized, this is one of the signs of our disease: when simple things are not given to the child, but some complex things, unusual for this age, the child does easily). For example, at the age of two, our son was already working well on the computer, although he had not yet spoken at all, there was no dialogue with him. And they told me that I have excessive demands on the child, I must calm down, everything is in order with us. Of course, like any mother, I was delighted to hear this. But six months later I realized that something had to be done. At the age of about four years, we went to the hospital, and there we were diagnosed with "early childhood autism". I asked: “What to do next?” And I was honestly answered that there is no help system.

And then this question arose: how to live with such a child? Now I understand this: the fewer questions you ask, the easier it is. But the process of this realization is very complex, it has its own stages, and they are the same for everyone. And the first stage for me - yes, it was a tragedy, because no prospects were visible. And I went into depression, because my husband is at work, the eldest child is in the kindergarten, I am alone with the youngest, he does not communicate, and you serve him all day and think, think about him, and by the evening the brains boil.

This period of acceptance is different for everyone in duration and intensity. I can’t say that I have accepted this situation even now. Unfortunately, I realized late that I had to do something myself - I was waiting for someone to give me an algorithm of actions. And I, like many parents, was terribly indignant that this was not the case. And then I realized that we need to help ourselves: if not us, then who will do it? It is we who are motivated to create this system of help, a system of rapid response at a time when everything is still plastic, when there is the greatest chance to make adjustments.

Americans came to our city, who, however, are dealing with a different disease, and so they told us: “You are now planting and cultivating a tree, the fruits from which your children may no longer get, but still this is a big deal.” We do not know what kind of children our children will have, what great-grandchildren will be, so if you do not have this problem now, but you can help solve it, then this must be done.

As for what some call life with an autistic child a cross or a punishment: I like the words of one priest who told me: “You don’t even understand what a gift God has given you: this is your salvation! He will save you here." If you were given such a child, it means that you are able to raise him, help him. That is, to have such a child is an honor.

- We constantly communicate with parents and see that the person can be considered an adult, next to whom such a person can exist calmly and serenely. special child, unable to stand up for himself, plainly realize where he is, unable to plan his future. If this is possible, then you are an adult and are not in vain trampling the ground.

I, like Olga, believe that it is wrong to call it a cross or a punishment, because people who are waiting for punishment for something think so.

– I read one story where parents came to Israel with an autistic child, and there, at the embassy, ​​they were congratulated with a smile that they had such a child. And the author of this story writes that she has never encountered such a thing in Russia. Why do we have a wary attitude, and parents take their fate very hard?

– Because parents who have a child with a disability do not have sufficient support either from the state or from society. There is no adequate system of assistance to people with mental disabilities mental development and their families. A mental disorder is not the same as a physical one. If, for example, a leg is torn off, then over time a slow but sure process of rehabilitation begins, and in case of a mental disorder, the entire body, the entire nervous system, everything that makes a child a person will be affected. The further the child grows, the more problems are added - like a snowball, if left unchecked. The disease itself cannot be cured, but some of the problems that accompany this mental illness can be solved. There is no such system of assistance, it is only in its infancy.

Therefore, in a family where such a child appears, a “black hole” arises, which sucks up all the resources: material (because commercial medical care is now very expensive), mental (because parents are very worried), temporary s That is, labor - the balance of power in the family is completely changing. Intra-family resources are quickly depleted, unless the family is able to rebuild (and this rarely happens, because the family is not initially ready that they will have a disabled child). This affects relatives, the whole environment: a kindergarten, a school where they try to attach such a child - a problematic focus is formed.

- Doctors are starting to look for the cause in genetics, in parents: didn’t you drink? Thus, parents are indirectly blamed - and many parents are ashamed that they have such a child. Many shock: why me?! And many hide the fact that they have such a child. Only recently, some famous people began to discover that they have children (often already adults or teenagers) with autism or Down syndrome - something has changed in society, it is starting to change. And it pleases.

The state exists in order to be social protection. Now we are taking on its functions, but we want the state to fulfill its obligations.

"Thank you film producer!"

- Have you personally encountered an unpleasant, hurting attitude towards yourself and your children from those around you?

- I probably belong to the category of mothers who are lucky. When Yegor was three or four years old, it happened like this: they say, “the child needs to be raised” - literally a couple of times. But from other families, I know a lot of blatantly tactless, incorrect cases of moral ugliness shown in relation to their children with mental disabilities. Such people have always existed. “You can’t explain to a fool, but a smart one will understand.”

But for me it's still a test when I walk with a child. Maybe there were no negative cases, because something like that is written on my face.

- We know how to build a defense - not everyone can do it.

- My child is always in sight, I keep him in mind: I know where he went, what he does.

Negative situations are sometimes provoked by the parents themselves or those accompanying them. Therefore, I try to always keep the situation under control so as not to provoke others. Because of this, there is a constant internal tension. My husband goes for a walk with his son quite calmly - although, perhaps, he simply does not show his attitude.

“But it didn’t start like this: when my daughter was little, before I left the entrance, I inhaled and exhaled several times, and immediately went to the playground, to the swing, to the sandbox to all the other children. Of course, the child behaves unusually, but the mother completely takes over the function of control: the mother knows what to do, knows how to prevent unwanted forms of his behavior. Over time, she learns to do something such that one day she goes out with the child quite calmly: she is ready, the child is ready - and society begins to change.

- What is the “strange behavior” manifested in: for example, recently we went to the cinema with my husband and Yegor. My son wanted to see this film for a long time, and I saw what motivation is in its purest form: in the morning everything was done quickly and without problems, the first time. During the film, he kept squeezing my hand, because he was overwhelmed with emotions, whispered - he tried to comment on everything that was happening. And after the movie we leave, and I ask:

- Egor, are you happy?

He exhales:

- Yes! I must say thank you to the film producer!

At first I did not understand what he was talking about - well, I must have seen this word somewhere. We go out to the box office, there is a guy from whom we bought tickets. And Yegor suddenly comes up to him:

- Thank you very much!

And the guy is doing big eyes… He, of course, was confused and kept silent.

- My nine-year-old daughter in a cafe goes straight to the waiter and says: “Aunt, give me a salad!” Can cuddle, take the hand and try to kiss. People usually look inquiringly at their parents: if we look serene and say the right words (I usually say: “She doesn’t understand”), then they relax.

I don't burden people with explanations about our diagnosis: enough in simple words make it clear that the child's unusual behavior is under the control of the parents, that everything is in order.

And our organizations are doing this: they are trying to explain to society that there are such people with such diagnoses, we know what needs to be done, and we need a little: not to condemn us, to understand that our children will not interfere with anyone, they will not harm.

The load crushes the man

– What is the role of a father in a family where there is a child with a mental disorder? Statistics, especially Soviet statistics, say that in most cases the father left the family. What is the situation now?

- The father is still the head of the family, and the main burden is on him. Men are more worried, because the Soviet system of education laid in them: men should not cry, they are responsible for everything, they protect. The load presses down on a man - they get the most.

Indeed, now men more often stay in families - and not only in those where there is a disabled child.

- My husband showed himself so steadfastly that I, in caring for the child, did not even think how hard it was for him. I had no thoughts that my husband could leave - he loves his son very much. When I had depressive failures, it was my husband who reassured me, saying: “But I’m sure that we will still be proud of him.” The husband takes an active part in the education of his son, accompanies him in some lessons.

But, of course, I know many families where an autistic child is raised by a woman alone.

– Brothers and sisters: how do they live with such an autistic child, how do they interact? Do parents have to build relationships between children or does everything happen by itself?

“Several books could be written about this, several social studies could be done. For a child with a disability, this is definitely good. He immediately receives the whole set of that happy childhood, which many lack. He receives powerful support from the family, receives a set of social roles that he can equal - the adaptive potential is launched, this helps him to integrate into social relations in which it will function in the future.

For brothers and sisters, this is, of course, difficult. They face all the problems that adults have: disapproval of others, condemnation, material problems, emotional problems - tension, parental fatigue. But I would not consider this a punishment or a punishment: we are all placed in different conditions from birth, everyone must overcome them.

When special child grows up in a large family, then for parents this is a powerful rehabilitation factor: they do not get hung up only on this child, as it would be if he was alone.

Brothers and sisters, when they are small, do not think that one of them is not like that, they just play with each other - they pull themselves together together, get the necessary experience, grow up as prepared people. (I have and thesis was on this topic: "Rehabilitation of a disabled child in a large family.")

- Today's teenagers (judging by my daughter, who will soon be 16) have a different attitude towards the presence of a special child in the family. If I tried to dispense information about my son in society (it’s no secret that people often perceive him as a “fool”), then my daughter’s friends and classmates know about her brother. It didn't even occur to her that he should be embarrassed. She invites friends home, and Yegor can behave strangely: he runs out - new people have come! He knocks on the door, asking to be let in. And the daughter normally treats everything as if she were an ordinary brother. I quietly leave them alone at home since she was eight years old, no problems arise.

Foundation, "School of Parents", "Resource Class" - what are they for?

“Our foundation is trying to help the family at an early stage. We are trying to ensure that parents become full-fledged participants in the rehabilitation and adaptation of the child. We think about how to help older children in vocational guidance, arrange their independent or accompanied living. We communicate with relevant organizations, ministries, which react quite vividly to our problems, support us, which gives us hope that our children will still live their lives with dignity.

We invite parents to our "School special parents”: we tell what is happening with their child, why it is happening, what forms of assistance exist today, we provide psychotherapeutic assistance, we consult ...

- When parents have children younger age, they still hope for a full rehabilitation, they believe in the possibility of bringing the child back to normal, so they are engaged in various commercial structures. And they come to us with teenagers and adults who are already over 20.

"DORIDA" is a Voluntary Society of Parents and Children with Autism. We worked on a whim, without any "business plan". And now I sit down and think: what do I need? If I need it, then other parents probably do too.

An important layer of our work is socio-cultural rehabilitation. We arrange cultural and leisure events, cooperate with the Youth Theater, Cultural Centers, and various artists. Every month we go to the cinema, visit the temple.

DORIDA and friends. Olga and Yegor Povoroznyuk - bottom row, far left

For example, we visit Gosfilmofond, they provide us with a whole hall. This is necessary so that the child finds himself in a new situation - a natural environment is created for practicing behavioral skills. My son and I go to the cinema, but we still try to go to an early screening, when there are fewer people, so as not to disturb them, because my son likes to comment on the film aloud. And when we are provided with a hall, mothers can relax and calmly explain to their child the rules of behavior in the cinema.

– Our organizations are jointly working on the “Resource Class” project, in a school with a wonderful principal. Since September of this year, several children with autism have already started learning in a special environment. There will be a separate program and support for such children. World practice shows that most of the autistic children in such a special environment can get an education in order to subsequently function in society independently. We started this joint project a year ago, we are the first in Yekaterinburg to move this process forward.

The resource class is such a resource of opportunities, not only for children with autism, but also for training young professionals: they learn to work with the vast majority of disorders in the mental development and behavior of children. This school with a resource class will become an internship platform where young professionals will have an internship. According to WHO, up to 30% of children in the world have mental or mental developmental disorders, so this experience for teachers and parents will be of great help.

From September 1, 2016, each school or kindergarten must have adaptive learning programs, that is, a parent can come with their child to any kindergarten, any school, and they must build the educational process there as the child needs. Therefore, where a center like ours appears, both children and specialists ready to work with such children appear there.

– Today, the resource class is the only possible way existence of our children in schools. We have playgrounds not only in correctional schools, but also in secondary schools: personally, for example, I can go to a school according to my residence permit and leave my Egor there, and they don’t have the right to refuse me.

It is very important to make it clear to the parents of other children that a special child is not a disadvantage for learning, since he is under the supervision of an adult tutor. And talk about the pluses: the presence of special children among neurotypicals contributes to the development of those moral qualities and values ​​that make a person a person.

Therefore, if parents want their children to be more tolerant, merciful, to gain additional life experience, then inclusion is the most suitable situation.

- And when the parents themselves become old and sick, then their children will be next to them, who already have experience of communicating with those who need help, on whom you can rely.

Sometimes parents with autistic children are asked to leave the temple

- Why do your children attend the temple in the city of Berezovsky (a suburb of Yekaterinburg - ed.)? Why not any other? It would seem that believers should be tolerant of special children?

– This is such a stereotype: “believers should”. People, even believers, are all different, there have been cases when parents with autistic children were asked to leave the temple. So we decided not to train our nerves. God brought us to the church of the martyr John the Warrior in the city of Berezovsky. There they organized adapted services for us - these services are shorter, after we are always invited to the refectory: for many of our children this is a particularly pleasant moment, they are waiting for it. We communicate with the priest there, among ourselves.

Of course, not all children understand what they are doing there, what kind of place it is, but the condition of the mother is of great importance here. I myself confessed for the first time two months ago in this church, it was difficult for me, I was not a church person, but thanks to this cooperation I began to go regularly with my child and with my husband - this unites. You can’t tell everything to your mother or husband, but there are things that oppress you - we already have several mothers who constantly go and confess, and take communion. I think they need it.

Ordinary parishioners also come to these services, they know about the peculiarities of our children. Father Vadim Zhurilin works with us: when April 2 was the day for the dissemination of information about autism, he held conversations with parishioners on this topic, our leaflets about the disease quickly dispersed among the parishioners. And now the attitude towards us is different: the mothers have relaxed, because the parishioners are used to our children, and I think that when they leave the church, they will endure this tolerant attitude towards the child they see in the store, on the bus, they will tell about it at home. And it diverges like a wave from a pebble thrown into the water, and the attitude in society changes.

Changes in society begin with the family: when the parents themselves accept their child not as an outcast, not as sick, but as a child with special needs, but no worse than others, then changes will begin in society. And visiting the temple contributes to this - they don’t condemn there, they give spiritual support: you are not guilty of anything, what is the punishment? - this is your salvation!

- I appeal to all parents who have children diagnosed with autism: come to us, unite with each other, get involved in this work to create a system to help such children - and you will not have time for depression, you will always be busy with interesting work everything will change around you!

Dealing with aggressive children

Aggression is intentional actions aimed at causing damage to another person, a group of people or an animal (Rean A.A., 1999, p. 218).

Aggressiveness is a personality trait, expressed in a readiness for aggression. (ibid., p.218)

Aggression, as a rule, does not arise unexpectedly. It can appear as a result of various interpersonal interactions, provocations.

Since the behavior of aggressive children is often destructive and associated with unpredictable emotional outbursts, it is necessary to teach the child acceptable ways to express anger:

1. teach the child to express his feelings directly;

2. express anger in an indirect form, using game techniques.

Aggressive children are often characterized by muscle clamps, especially in the face and hands. Therefore, these children will benefit from any relaxation exercises. Interesting and effective exercises can be found in the book by K. Fopel "How to teach children to cooperate" (1998). In the learning process, you can talk with the child about what anger is and what its destructive actions are, you can explain to the child how angry and ugly a person becomes in a fit of anger.

M. McKay, P. Rogers and Y. McKay (1997) recommend several techniques for gaining self-control. For example, you can put a hand-drawn “Stop” road sign in your clothing pocket. As soon as uninvited thoughts and desires begin to overcome an aggressive child, he can take a picture out of his pocket and say “Stop” mentally or in a whisper. In order for the reception to start working, many days of training are needed.

Aggressive children sometimes show aggression only because they do not know other ways to express their feelings. The task of an adult is to teach a child to get out of conflict situations in acceptable ways. For this purpose, you can discuss with the child the most common conflict situations. One of the methods of working with aggressive children can be a role-playing game. Reading together with a child is very helpful, followed by a discussion of what has been read, when the adult encourages the child to express his feelings. It is also recommended to compose fairy tales and stories with the child.

How to deal with an aggressive child?

Orders and punishments can cause either the anger of the child, or the constant suppression of this anger. Therefore, parents should punish the child only in extreme cases. If the child's anger is constantly suppressed, then it can develop into passive-aggressive forms of behavior. The child may begin to act on the sly, on purpose to do something out of spite (slowly follow the instructions of the parents).

The technique: for good behavior the child receives encouragement, for bad behavior - punishment or deprivation of privileges, should also not be used too often, otherwise parents will get tired of their child’s annoying question: “What will happen to me for this?”

The best guarantee of good self-control and adequate behavior in children is the ability of parents to control themselves. The authors of Taming Anger give adults advice on developing self-control. M. McKay, P. Rogers and Y. McKay (1997) advise parents not to touch the child at the moment when they are angry with him. In such situations, it is better to go to another room. In order to fully establish control over themselves, the authors recommend that adults move more slowly, try not to make sudden movements, do not shout and do not slam the door.

1. Build a relationship with your child so that he feels calm and confident with you.

2. Take care of yourself, especially in those moments when you are under stress and you are easily unbalanced.

3. If you are upset, then the children should know about your condition.

4. Whenever you are upset or angry, do something nice for yourself (take a bath, listen to your favorite music, watch a comedy...)

5. Try to anticipate and prevent possible troubles.

6. To some especially important events should be prepared in advance. Try to foresee all sorts of nuances and prepare the child for upcoming events.

Children with disabilities

Raising and educating children with developmental disabilities (hyperactivity, aggressiveness, anxiety, autism)

hyperactive children

What is hyperactivity? "Hyper ..." - indicates an excess of the norm, the word "active" means "active, active." The presence of hyperactivity syndrome can only be determined by a neurologist after a special diagnosis.

At the heart of the hyperactivity syndrome, as a rule, is minimal cerebral dysfunction (MMD) - microorganic damage to the brain. The causes of hyperactivity may be genetic factors, features of the structure and functioning of the brain, intrauterine oxygen starvation, birth trauma, infectious diseases transferred by the child in the first months of life, etc.

Hyperactivity is characterized by motor disinhibition, impulsivity (actions on first impulse) and a deficit of active attention. The peak of manifestation of hyperactivity falls on 6-7 years, then there is a gradual decline, i.e. by the age of 14-15, the manifestations of hyperactivity are smoothed out. American scientists believe that one way or another, hyperactivity manifests itself in adulthood. These children sleep little, are very mobile, and have very high distractibility. Attention switches involuntarily, they have a lot of unfinished business, poor coordination of movements, insufficient muscle control.

The behavior of hyperactive children may be superficially similar to the behavior of children with increased anxiety. It is important to distinguish between them.

Hyperactive children may experience the following difficulties:

cannot sit still (usually from birth, but attention is often paid to this only at school; conflicts with the teacher may arise);

talkativeness

Behavior is often aggressive (since self-esteem is usually underestimated due to internal disbelief in one's own strengths, they can completely stop learning);

cannot wait and act according to plan (impulsivity);

better perceive the material one on one (the best results at the beginning of the day, it is advisable to ask in the first lessons);

They are very responsive to novelty and to something interesting (at the same time, attention is not disinhibited, so it is important to be expressive when communicating with them).

In girls, hyperactivity appears less frequently and is less pronounced. In addition to girls, they often "miss" successful children (they usually study for 4 instead of 5, etc.).

If you have a hyperactive child, you need to choose the right strategy (development of a unified upbringing strategy by teachers and parents). It is important to remember that no one is to blame for this (and, above all, the child). The child is who he is. Parents and the teacher can exchange "correspondence cards", in which, on a pre-prepared card, information about the child is briefly recorded. In doing so, it must be done required condition: information is given only in a positive form (any achievement of the child must be noted in the card). Further:

tactile contact is very important;

The workplace should be quiet and calm (not at the TV, not at the door);

It is advisable for parents to be nearby and, if necessary, help the child;

Constant psychological support is required (the child wants to be successful, but this is rarely possible), he will only do what he is interested in, and will do this only until he gets bored, so it is important to switch the child to another type of activity as soon as he is tired;

Do not read notations (a long speech will not be fully heard and understood), but establish in advance the rules of conduct and a system of rewards and punishments (you cannot demand “correction” of everything at once, the requirements must be specific, clear and feasible), and to work out each requirement can take a long time (2 - 4 weeks or more);

do not suppress motor activity, but to teach to splash it out in acceptable ways;

reduce the requirements for accuracy (especially at the beginning, in order to create a sense of success and increase motivation);

agree with the child in advance, prepare for a change of classes, warning about the end in a few minutes (reducing aggression on an adult);

If a child “accidentally” does something wrong, although he will try, he can be forgiven. The child must know not to lose your love.

Aggressive children

Aggression - from the Latin "attack", "attack".

Aggressiveness is behavior that causes physical and moral harm to another person.

Aggression is manifested in cruel jokes, insults, beatings, as well as in reactions of self-punishment or auto-aggression. By affect, aggression manifests itself in anger, rage, emotional arousal. Aggressive behavior can be triggered by any reaction that the child does not like. Field (unpredictable) behavior is characteristic, especially for adolescents.

Such children experience hostility to the world around them and expect a hostile attitude towards them in advance. It is difficult to form reflection, they tend to attribute blame for aggression to another. They have a low level of empathy (cannot take the position of another person). They can often take out their anger on the weak (aggression is directly related to fears). Aggressive children usually have low self-esteem.

Reasons for aggression:

An important role, in addition to organic disorders, is played by family upbringing, and from the first days of a child’s life (it has been proven that in the case of abrupt weaning and in the case of minimizing communication with the mother, anxiety, suspicion, cruelty, aggressiveness are formed in children);

The nature of the punishments that parents usually use in response to manifestations of anger in a child is important (two polar methods of influence: excessive severity or excessive indulgence);

According to research, parents who sharply suppress aggressiveness in their children, on the contrary, nurture it. Aggression breeds only aggression. Therefore, it is important for parents to be able to find a reasonable compromise in order to teach children to cope with aggression.

It is very difficult to accept an aggressive child as he is, but this child more than others needs the help of adults, their attention. Aggression of a child is a reflection of his inner discomfort, inability to adequately respond to the events taking place around him. The child often feels rejected, unwanted, unloved.

Such a child is looking for ways to attract the attention of adults and peers with the help of aggression, because. doesn't know how to do it differently.

Aggressive children are often suspicious, like to shift the blame for quarrels and conflicts to another person. They themselves usually cannot assess their aggressiveness, on the contrary, it seems to them that everyone wants to offend them (a vicious circle arises).

Unfortunately, children often adopt aggressive forms of behavior from their parents.

How to get along with a child who is constantly acting defiantly? Helpful Tips parents are given on the pages of R. Campbell's book "How to deal with a child's anger" (M., 1997). The author identifies 5 ways to control the child's behavior: two of them are positive ( requests and soft physical manipulation), one is neutral ( behavior modification which involves the use of rewards for the implementation of certain rules and punishment for ignoring them). This method should not be used too often, as subsequently the child begins to do only what he receives a reward for. And finally, two negative ways - frequent punishments and orders. These methods of control force the child to suppress his anger excessively, he develops passive-aggressive character traits (this is a hidden form of aggression, its goal is to piss off an adult, and the child can harm himself: study poorly on purpose, act up on the street for no reason, wear those things that parents do not like, etc.).

Therefore, it is important to think over the system of rewards and punishments in the family:

Punishment should not humiliate the child;

Punishment follows immediately after the misconduct (time for the child flows differently, there should not be long-term punishments);

punishment is effective if the child himself believes that he deserved it;

One misdemeanor cannot be punished twice.

· it is important to constantly develop communication skills with others, i.е. expansion of the behavioral repertoire (the choice of ways to behave in various situations).

All these methods and techniques should not be one-time. The inconsistency of the behavior of parents usually only leads to a deterioration in the behavior of the child.

Parental patience, attention to the child, to his needs, needs, (and also to your own) can help build relationships with the child.

Three areas of work:

1. Dealing with anger. Teaching acceptable ways of expressing anger (verbal or physical). Allow the child to express anger on paper or in an acceptable physical way.

2. Teaching the skills of recognizing and controlling anger, the ability to control oneself in various situations.

3. Formation of the ability for empathy, trust, sympathy, empathy (behavioral trainings are effective, role-playing games, theatre, learning how to get out of the conflict). It is important to develop skills for interacting with other people, incl. addressing “I” and not “you” (talk about your feelings). Non-verbal communication (posture, facial expressions, gestures).

Anxious children.

Distinctive feature these children have increased anxiety.

Anxiety is an episodic manifestation of anxiety, excitement.

Anxiety is a persistent condition.

Fear - a person is afraid of something specific.

Often the cause is what happened in early age event that caused concern. For some reason, the reaction of anxiety, anxiety has become fixed and the child reacts this way to all events. He considers himself incompetent in everything, he is always afraid, therefore he tries to control the situation (but it is impossible to control everything).

The anxiety of a child largely depends on the level of anxiety of the adults around him; the authoritarian style of parenting also influences. Even before school, learning anxiety can form (excessive demands on the child, the style of work of the educator, comparisons with other children for the worse, excessive workload).

In the case of neurotic reactions, the help of a psychologist and physicians is necessary.

Anxious children are very self-critical, often engage in self-criticism, it is important for them not to goof off. They try to control not only the situation around, but also communication (they are having a hard time breaking up with peers). They have a black and white coloration of the world. Completely fall apart in a situation of uncertainty, ambiguity. Often the worst is expected. Fatigue and irritability are characteristic. Due to constant anxiety, they are prone to muscle tension, so it is useful to teach relaxation. Somatic problems may arise.

Anxious children have low self-esteem, so any kind of approval is very useful (although it only softens the situation). They are prone to perfectionism, among them there are often excellent students (family makes them so). You can not compare the child with other children for the worse.

Anxiety is often formed under the influence of false beliefs (it is hard to work if they are formed at the preverbal level). It is important to work with the child's misconceptions, rebuild them (show the positive aspects of his life, what is good for him, so that he learns to see these sides himself). For teenagers, humor is good (to treat yourself and various situations with humor).

Adults often contribute to the development of anxiety in children. Parents may make demands on their child that they cannot meet. Having suffered one setback after another, the child realizes that he will never be able to fulfill everything that mom and dad expect from him. To avoid intimidating attention or criticism from adults, the child physically and mentally restrains his internal energy. All this interferes with his communication with adults and children, so the parents of an anxious child should do everything to assure him of their love (regardless of success), in his competence and success in any area (there are no completely incapable children).

Parents should daily celebrate the progress of the child, reporting them in his presence to other family members. It is necessary to abandon the words that degrade the dignity of the child (“donkey”, “fool”), even if adults are very angry. It is not necessary to demand an apology from the child for this or that act, it is better to let him explain why he did it (if he wants to). It is useful to reduce the number of remarks.

You can’t threaten children with impossible punishments: (“Shut up, otherwise I’ll seal your mouth!” I’ll leave you! I’ll kill you!”). They are already afraid of everything in the world. It is better if parents as a preventive measure, without waiting difficult situation will talk more with children, help them express their thoughts and feelings in words. The parents of an anxious child should be unanimous and consistent in encouraging and punishing him.

An anxious child needs tactile contact with parents, which helps to gain a sense of confidence and trust in the world. Relaxation exercises are very helpful. At the same time, it is desirable that parents do the exercises with the child.

Autistic children.

Autism - (from the Greek - himself) - denotes extreme forms of disruption of contacts, escape from reality into the world of one's own experiences. There are three main areas in which autism is particularly pronounced: speech and communication; social interaction; imagination, emotional sphere.

The main symptoms: difficulties in communication and socialization, inability to establish emotional ties, impaired speech development.

Autism manifests itself in different forms. O.S. Nikolskaya proposes as a basis for classification the ways developed by autistic children to interact with the world and protect themselves from it. She identifies four main forms of manifestation of autism.

1. Complete detachment from what is happening. Children with this form of autism completely refuse active contact with the outside world. Such children do not respond to requests and do not ask for anything themselves, they do not form purposeful behavior. They do not use speech, facial expressions and gestures. This is the most profound form of autism.

2. Active rejection. Children of this group are more active and less vulnerable in contacts with the environment, but they are characterized by the rejection of most of the world. For such children, it is important to strictly observe the established rigid life stereotype, certain rituals. They have many motor stereotypes. They can use speech, but their speech development specific: they learn, first of all, speech patterns, associating them with a specific situation.

3. Preoccupation with autistic interests. Children are distinguished by conflict, inability to take into account the interests of another, preoccupation with the same activities and interests. They have a large vocabulary, speak complex, "bookish" phrases. Despite their intellectual talent, their thinking is disturbed, they do not feel the subtext of the situation, it is difficult for them to perceive several semantic lines in what is happening at the same time.

4. Extreme difficulty in organizing communication and interaction. The main problem here is the lack of opportunities to organize interaction with other people. Difficulties in mastering motor skills are characteristic, speech is poor and agrammatic, can be lost in the simplest social situations. This is the most easy option autism.

In everyday practice, we, as a rule, come across children who have only a few autistic symptoms. Autism is 4 to 5 times more common among boys. The reasons for its occurrence have not been fully explored. Most authors refer to them as violations prenatal development and debilitating diseases of early childhood. Brain dysfunctions are often observed, violations of biochemical metabolism are manifested. May be combined with other mental disorders. Autism can only be diagnosed by a doctor.

Symptoms of autism can be detected already in the first months of a child's life. The “complex of revival” characteristic of normal development is disturbed. The child later than his peers begins to recognize the mother, and, having recognized her, does not reach out to her, does not smile, does not react to her departure. An absent, motionless look “past”, “through” a person is characteristic. Unexpectedly, the child may be panicky afraid of any object. Motor stereotypes are often observed: rocking, any monotonous movements, can make the same sounds for a long time. Usually children avoid direct (eye to eye) look, tend to get away from contact with others.

Autistic children refuse to play collectively. They can play the same game for years, draw the same drawings. Some children have no play at all (manipulation of objects).

Children with communication disorders like to adhere to certain rituals, the slightest change in their life or routine can become a traumatic factor for them (the result can be “withdrawal” or an outbreak of aggression). Quite often there are outbreaks of self-aggression.

Practical (non-verbal) intelligence may even exceed age norm. Autistic children often work successfully with puzzles, blocks, mosaics, and this tendency must be used to establish contacts with them. They can be partially gifted and show success in certain areas (perfect pitch, drawing, counting, etc.).

Autistic people do not even try to compensate for the usually characteristic lag in the development of speech with gestures, facial expressions, unlike children with ADHD, but without disrupting communication. In phrasal speech, as a rule, there is no pronoun "I". The child talks about himself in the 2nd or 3rd person, as others do in relation to him. Mechanical memory is usually well developed, so they remember individual statements for a long time, sometimes very smart adults, often automatically repeat phrases they like.

Not perceiving their "I", not feeling their body, its boundaries, they experience certain difficulties in the formation of self-service skills. Later, other children learn to dress, undress, use the potty, etc.

At early detection violations and timely corrective work most autistic children can be trained to learn and often develop their potential.

How to help autistic child.

Parents of autistic children often turn to specialists for help only after deviations in the development and behavior of the child become obvious to everyone. And sometimes more than one year passes before the final diagnosis is made. In addition, sometimes one can come across the opinion that autistic children usually appear in families where mom and dad are people with a developed intellect who have a high social status. And although such a point of view has long been rejected by experts, parents, having accidentally come across such an interpretation of the causes of autism in the literature, for many years feel guilty before the child and before society.

It is important for parents to understand what exactly distinguishes their child from others, having seen his "strengths" and "weak" sides, mothers and fathers, together with a psychologist and teacher, can determine the level of requirements for him, choose the main directions and forms of work.

Parents must understand how difficult it is for their child to live in this world, learn to patiently observe him, noticing and interpreting aloud his every word and every gesture. This will help expand the inner world of a small person and push him to the need to express his thoughts, feelings and emotions in words. In addition, parents must understand that their child is very vulnerable. Any word fleetingly spoken by an adult can cause an “emotional storm”. That is why parents should be very careful and delicate when communicating with the child.

We must not forget that physical contact, as well as relaxation exercises, will help reduce the level of anxiety in the child. You can use some relaxation games for this purpose and finger exercises. Family reading can help to establish emotional contact with the child and instill in him the skills of social behavior. It is best to read with the child in your arms (tactile sensations will help strengthen parent-child contact). A slow, gradual, thorough, emotionally rich development is desirable. artistic images literary heroes. It is better to read and discuss the book more than once. This will help the child learn to better understand himself and others, and the newly formed communication stereotypes will reduce anxiety and increase his self-confidence.

If the child is very small, you need to take him in your arms as often as possible, cuddle him, stroke him (even if he resists this at first) and say kind words to him.

To strengthen contacts between teachers and parents, to provide more effective assistance to the child, it is desirable that his relatives visit the group as often as possible kindergarten or the class the child is in. Since an autistic child is typically afraid of a change in environment, separation from loved ones, it is desirable that at the beginning of schooling, mom (or dad, grandma, grandpa) be next to the child during breaks, and in some cases in the lesson.

It is very useful to work with sand, clay, millet, water, drawing with paints (brushes, stamps, and especially fingers).

Working with autistic children, educators and parents can work together to develop their imagination, teach effective ways communication with peers, and therefore, to adapt the child to the conditions of the world around him.

- In most cases, an outbreak of negative behavior in an autistic child is the result of poor health (onset of illness, hunger, fatigue), fear, and not intentional action. Try to recognize this cause and respond accordingly. A child can clearly demonstrate his anger if he finds that a person whom he has unlimited trust is not next to him today. Insignificant, in your opinion, inaccuracy in the organization of the usual fees for a walk, can also become a source of screams and tears.

- If the behavior of the child causes you strong irritation, the main thing is to avoid an impulsive negative reaction. To do this: inhale and slowly count to 10, straighten your back strongly and focus on muscle work, or, if possible, leave the room and turn on, as Moltz puts it, your “psychological thermostat”. You no longer need to resort to physical relaxation. Enough mental relaxation.

- Imagine at the same second a ringing phone, to which you can respond or not respond as you wish, or mentally imagine yourself in a relaxed state. This will take 3-5 minutes and after that you can safely return to the child.

- A lot of difficulties are delivered by such a moment in the autistic behavior of a child as refusing the potty. I have such a proven technique in this regard as using a toy, which I “explain” in the presence of a child how to use the toilet, and when she successfully learns the lesson, I reward her with candy. At the same time, the child is asked questions for assimilation: “What should Tyapa have done?” "What did he do?" "What did you get for it?"

Addressing the child:

Don't try to argue with him. This will only increase his resistance. Without saying a word, try to get the child out of a crowded place.

The reverse "hypertrophied" reaction of the mother - a whisper or a stern look can stop the cry.

- The method of switching the child's attention to an object of interest to him and engaging in a dialogue on a topic prepared in advance by means of short questions and answers also works well.

- Punishment in autism is desirable to carry out in the form of censure immediately after the commission of an undesirable act, expressing briefly and clearly: "You did badly and this upset me very much." At the same time, it is imperative to make it clear to the child that the mother does not cease to love him.

- Medical support. Rispolept is an effective remedy for relieving symptoms of aggressiveness, arousal, and obsessive stereotypes. Comparing it with other antipsychotics, I will say that it has the widest "therapeutic gap" between the lack of a therapeutic effect at a low dosage and neurolepsy at its increase.

Praise your child more often for any successful step. This will serve as an incentive for further adequate independent actions.

Autistic people, due to their characteristics, can be taught everyday household skills if they are clearly schematized. For example, a child can be explained that when brushing his teeth, he "one" - takes a toothbrush, "two" - squeezes the paste onto it, "three" puts the brush in his mouth, "four" - starts brushing his teeth. Autistic children also learn labor skills: sweep the floor, wipe the dust, take out the trash. The problem lies in their weak generalization and consolidation: the child performs such tasks at school, but cannot do it at home, or suddenly completely forgets everything he has learned. Threading laces through holes in cardboard and lacing up shoes are completely different things for him. “Hyperselective” thinking creates enormous difficulties for the autistic person here as well. Hilda de Klerk shares her unfortunate experience when extra details were unwittingly added to the toothbrushing algorithm for Thomas, such as a slight push to the back of the head and the word "spit it out." The child could not brush his teeth without these details.

In organizing the schedule of the day for an autistic child, it is convenient to use a visual image. A detail that is significant in a particular situation can be presented in the form of a picture of a room in an apartment where you should go before going to bed, or a photograph of a place where you plan to go on the weekend.

Often an autistic person refuses to perform this or that action, because the subject in question is connected in his subconscious with some unpleasant event. For example, a child recently cut his finger with a blue-handled knife and would never want to wear a blue jacket. He associates color with pain. An autist suddenly refuses to walk in his favorite park, because. yesterday on a walk he was frightened by a passing car with a siren. As noted above, autistic children associate fear more with inanimate objects than with people. The only possible way out of this situation is not to go against the child, understanding the motive of his actions. The autistic child thinks narrowly concretely. For him, the instruction: “Sit down” is impossible without specifying: “Where?” Often this looks like a manifestation of the child's disobedience. In order to better manage it, the literature suggests the use of word-signals, which in a certain situation are filled with a specific meaning for the child. As an example, Hilda de Klerk cites the expression: "Mom should go talk," which was said to Thomas to calm him down when parting with his mother. The word "talk" now always meant to the child that he must remain for some time without his mother.

A logical question arises: “Is it possible to correct some aspects of the behavior of an autistic person with the help of educational techniques, or is it only necessary to adapt to them? I believe that education in the traditional sense of the word is out of the question. Respecting children's way of thinking, rather than trying to adapt them to our understanding of the world or engage in confrontation, is also advice in the autism literature. We can talk about a "soft" expansion of the fields of vision of reality. If you see that the child is obsessed with a certain subject, for example, draws only with a blue pencil, put two more other colors in front of him. Offer, don't impose. If a certain object, for example, a working vacuum cleaner, frightens a child, let it be constantly in his field of vision. Learn to accept your child with all his "strangeness" and complexities of behavior. Be patient.

Many will surely say that the question is not correct, especially in relation to children. However, the use of physical punishment accompanied by evocation pain in a child, there is a place to be, especially in relation to hyperactive children with mental retardation, which is often found in childhood autism.

We will omit ethical issues in this article so that everyone knows perfectly well that hitting children is bad, but let's talk about the negative impact these actions have on children with autism.

Firstly:
Physical punishment, namely the feeling of pain and the feeling of fear, can cause a child to get used to this punishment, since children with childhood autism have a deficit of sensations caused by the characteristics of the disease. After all, pain, like fear, is also a feeling, albeit a negative one. In life, it may look like this: The child was very guilty, for which he received a slap on the “soft spot” from the “enraged” mother. As a result, the child first receives sensations from fear, and later from pain. As a result, the child in the future, in order to receive these sensations, will provoke his mother, committing offenses. It may seem strange to someone that negative feelings can cause a child to want to repeat them. However, if we look at ordinary children, we will also see that they like to be afraid, because various horror stories, horror films, ... are very popular among children, precisely because these are new, thrilling sensations. Moreover, unlike autistic children, ordinary children receive much more sensations from the outside world, so the need for new sensations in autistic children is much greater.

Secondly:
The autistic child lives according to familiar patterns. Therefore, if periodically physical punishment is applied for some offense, the child will get used to it. In the future, after negative manifestations, he will expect physical punishment. If punishment did not follow, that is, there was a change in the usual pattern, new negative manifestations in his behavior are likely.
Getting used to the scheme: "negative manifestation - physical punishment", in conjunction with new sensations, occurs very quickly, for some it is enough even once.

Thirdly:
Against the background of a deficit of sensations, after the child has experienced new sensations in the form of pain, self-aggression may develop. That is, the child will begin to deliver these sensations to himself. Moreover, self-aggression can also manifest itself against the background of a change in the schema. The child will begin to beat himself after negative behavior, trying to restore his usual pattern.

Fourthly:
As with normal children, the use of physical punishment can cause aggression towards others. If you hit a child, he automatically learns to hit others.

There are no hard and fast rules for punishing a child, and many parents struggle to find them, at least in the beginning. But when it comes to punishing an autistic child, it gets really hard.

Parents of children with autism face a really difficult task, and they should be especially careful about their behavior. If the parents of such children are forced to apply any punishment, then it should be timely. Parents should remain positive towards the child, but at the same time be quite persistent.

There are several ways to stay positive in your behavior with your child. It is important to encourage positive and good moments as often as possible. You can use a reward system for good behavior, for example, rewarding each time with a sticker, which will encourage the child to do everything right. This will help in the upbringing of all children, but autistic children will benefit the most from such a system.

Another way to show positivity is to figure out why the child is behaving this way. Some children may have problems with the motor apparatus or difficulty in describing what they feel, so they are very prone to nervous breakdowns. If this is the reason, then parents should redirect the child's actions with relaxation techniques. It may take some time, but the child will learn to restrain and calm himself in difficult situations.

Parents must be steadfast in any punishment if they want to get results from them. Children should be well aware of what will happen if they do something that cannot be done. Behavioral firmness will help parents control the child at all times, and will help insulate him from bad behavior.

If you usually count to three so that the child stops doing something, otherwise you will punish him, then you need to go all the way. It is impossible, having counted to two, to start counting from the beginning, because then the child will think that he can escape punishment by continuing to do this.

If you need to take urgent action, then it should be done in a timely manner. Many parents choose to wait until their spouse gets home so they can discuss their child's behavior together, but this is rarely helpful in raising children with autism. Punishment must follow immediately. If a child deliberately breaks something during lunch and they are punished after four hours, then the child may simply not find a connection between these two events, he will be puzzled, thinking that he is being punished for good behavior.

When it comes to punishment, both parents must be involved in the process, or the child will not be fully affected. It is very important not to throw the punishment on the shoulders of only one of the parents.

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It is very important for parents to remain calm if something happens. Shouting is not the best way to behave, it can have the opposite effect when punished. If one of the parents sees that the situation is too tense, he should go to another room to calm down. It is very important to keep a clear mind. Parenting a child with autism can be very difficult, but the key is to have a clear, timely plan of action when problems arise.