Your child's world...! "#$ Training manual for parents and teachers Rostov-on-Don Enix 2010 www.phoenixbooks.ru UDC 37.0 LBC 74.90 KTK 480 P37 Platonova S.M. P37 Parental alphabet of interaction with the child: teaching aid for parents and teachers / S.M. Platonov. - Rostov n / a: Phoenix, 2010. - 220, p. - (The world of your child). ISBN 978-5-222-17470-8 difficult situations interaction with the child. It offers readers a description of the diverse life experience of interaction between children and parents, presented through the selection of types of situations and the rationale for the necessary actions of an adult. The book is addressed to beginners and experienced parents and teachers involved in educational work with children. UDC 37.0 ISBN 978-5-222-17470-8 LBC 74.90 S.M. Platonova, 2010 Design: Phoenix Books, 2010 www.phoenixbooks.ru 3 Appeal to parents The book is dedicated to my parents, Mikhail Dmitrievich Platonov and Ekaterina Alekseevna % Dear parents! The purpose of this book is to help you be your child's educators. Children often put us in a dead end, that is, they create situations in which we do not know how best to answer their question, react to their words or actions. For example, a three-year-old girl was playing with dolls in her room. And suddenly, screaming and crying, he runs to his mother in the kitchen, repeating: “Where is dad, where is dad?”. Dad is at work, the girl knows it. What to do? Mom puts her hand in her pocket, pretends to pull something out of her pocket, opens her hand and holds it out to the girl with the words: “Here is dad.” The girl, satisfied and happy, takes "daddy" from the palm of her hand and runs away. How did mom figure out that she could do that? Why did the child need a toy invisible dad? Just as we learn to choose simple and effective ways responses to the actions of children? We will try to think together with you and find some rules for choosing an action, although, of course, they can only supplement parental intuition, faith in a good beginning in a child, and parental creativity. In this book we will learn to understand the child, his condition, intentions, interests, desires. The subject of the conversation will be the situation of parents' interaction with www.phoenixbooks.ru 4 Parental ABCs of interaction with a child, and the goal is the ability to turn it into a positive, developing experience for the child. We have called the book “Parental ABCs of Interaction with a Child” because we are trying to highlight some of the basics of interaction, the knowledge of which will help us in choosing an action. The "letters" of the ABC of parental interaction will be the types of situations, of which we will consider seven in this book. The book consists of four parts: theoretical, illustrative, practical and additional. In the first part, we introduce you to the logic of determining the type of situation and the rationale for choosing the mode of action for an adult. In the second part, we illustrate each type of situation with examples, supplementing them with a commentary on the choice of specific actions of an adult. In the third part, we offer you ready-made situations different types for an independent solution. You can correlate your decision with the option we offer. The examples given in all sections are taken from life, therefore, by getting acquainted with them, you can significantly expand your understanding of the complexities and ways of raising children. In the last, additional part, we present one of the ways to help the child based on a joint discussion of fairy tales. Thus, we equip parents with a very simple and understandable, known to our ancestors, efficient technology parenting, which can be helpful in dealing with situations various types. So, let's start - get acquainted with the theoretical justification for choosing the method of action of parents. www.phoenixbooks.ru 5 Part 1. Theoretical 1% Human life can be viewed as a chain of situations. A situation is a minimal element of our existence, which has its own integrity and originality. In the Explanatory Dictionary of the Russian Language S.I. Ozhegova and N.Yu. The Swedish situation is defined as a set of circumstances, position, environment. Today, in various humanities, the so-called situational approach is developing, which seeks to teach people to make the right decision in various situations. For example, the situational ethics of A. Flesher focuses on the fact that there are no objective ethical norms that are uniform for all occasions, and what is good in one situation will turn out to be the opposite in another. For example, the prohibition of abortion is a significant moral norm of our time, but this prohibition will be inhumane if we are talking about a mentally ill girl who became pregnant from the same patient in a psychiatric clinic. In a number of modern universities focused on a situational approach, the learning process is primarily a system problem situations offered to students for solution. According to supporters of such training, it is the best way to prepare for practice, in which specialists need to make competent decisions in traditional and unusual situations. www.phoenixbooks.ru 6 Parental ABCs of interaction with a child Here we will make the situation the subject of consideration. The focus of our attention, of course, is the situation of interaction between an adult and a child. The subject of our consideration will be such situations in which, for some reason, we do not like the actions of the child, cause anxiety, tension, etc., i.e., difficult situations of interaction between the child and the adult. To learn to choose right action in this or that situation, we first need to understand what the child feels, wants, understands inside this situation, why he behaves the way he does. Based on the experiences and motives of the child's actions, we will single out seven types of situations of interaction between the child and the adult, which we will consider in this section. Our task is to learn to determine the type of situation, since our actions should depend on the type of situation. Therefore, in the theoretical part, the task of readers is to get acquainted with the types of situations, learn to distinguish them, understand how and why adults should behave in situations of each type. To help you succeed in solving this problem, for each of the seven types of situations, we will try to: define the situation, name its signs; give examples of situations of this type from life; describe the features of such a situation; describe the causes of the child's behavior, the motives of his actions; describe and justify the correct model of adult behavior. www.phoenixbooks.ru 7 Part 1. Theoretical 1.1. &", "&(!) "#$ These are situations in which the child did not know what to do, did not suspect that he was doing something bad, or even was sure that he was doing well; did something unintentionally, accidentally tea; could not do otherwise, or was forced to do just that. The main sign of situations: the child could not (could not) do otherwise, he himself suffers. Consider an example of a situation of this type. On Sunday, a girl of 8 years old with her friend was going to walk. Usually dad was at home, who gave her money with him for ice cream, sweets. But today he was not there, he went on business. Dad's jacket hung on a hanger. Dad always took out money from the pocket of this jacket. The girl decided take on her father's mission, since he himself cannot fulfill it. She was one hundred percent sure that dad would give her money, just now he is gone. Without hesitation, she took the money from her pocket and went for a walk. The girl returned home to in a good mood, but she saw an angry father.At the threshold he met her with a harsh Ikom: "Thief!". Then she heard that her father was disappointed in her, that he could no longer respect her, that she would be punished and would not go out for a walk for two weeks, etc. Nobody asked the girl anything, she did not have time to put in a word, and very soon she could no longer speak because of the resentment that choked her. Today she is an adult, but she remembers the situation, and the pain of resentment has not yet gone to the end. They did not talk about this situation with dad later. Let's think about what the girl's fault was. She did not even think that she was stealing or taking without asking. She was sure that it was her money and she took it. These examples were taken from life and described in the works of students of the full-time and part-time departments of the Faculty of Psychology of the Leningrad State University named after A.S. Pushkin or the faculties of psychology and geography of the Russian State Pedagogical University named after A.I. Herzen. LGU them. A.S. Pushkin has branches in the Leningrad region, Perm, Sverdlovsk, Kamensk-Uralsky, Sverdlovsk region, Chukotka, so the heroes of the described stories live in different regions Russian Federation. Text taken from students' work is enclosed in quotation marks. 2.1. &"!, "&! ! "#$ 2.1.1. "Nadya always ate poorly, complained of a lack of appetite. Parents could not solve the problem of how to feed the child. Solution: Grandmother thought up for Nadya fabulous journey to the land of cooks. Together they prepared a “magic porridge” for breakfast, then a “magic lunch” www.phoenixbooks.ru 61 Part 2. Illustrative for the whole family and in the evening - a “royal dinner”. This game helped spark Nadia's interest in food and the process of preparing it. Interestingly, when Nadia grew up, she chose the profession of a cook and is now the chef of one of the prestigious restaurants.” 2.1.2. “My son was in 7th grade. In the summer, the whole family went on vacation for 6 months, and it turned out that he had to start his studies at a city school with new children for him. The students of the class did not communicate with him, since he is a “stranger” for them. I felt sorry for the child. Solution: I decided to help him. I began to collect jokes for him from magazines, we read jokes and he tried to remember them. The son began to tell jokes to the guys at recess. There was a stunning result, everyone became interested in him, wanted to be with him.” 2.1.3. “The daughter broke the crystal vase. Since the vase was not needed, then about this for a long time was not known. When it became necessary to put flowers, I began to look for a vase. I found it in the form of fragments neatly packed in a box. My daughter was not at home, I put the flowers in another vase, and a box with fragments next to the trash can. The daughter returned from school and saw the box. Tears began to well up in her eyes. Solution: I quickly hugged her and said that I want to go to the store now and invite her to take a walk with me. She still looked scared. I explained that I did not really like the old vase, and I had long dreamed of buying a new one, what can be done now. We went to the store and bought another beautiful vase. We chose her together, and during our conversations, I tried to explain to her that it was not necessary to be afraid to talk about such situations, that we would always find a way out together. Now my daughter always tells me immediately about what happened.” Each of us has broken a lot of glass objects in his life, they break very easily. It is not for nothing that a saying was invented as a consolation to us: “Dishes beat fortunately!”. Why are children so afraid to confess? Most often because, when they see a broken thing, adults are upset and immediately splash out the negative emotions that have arisen on the child. The outburst is so strong that the child, instead of his own grief because of the damaged thing, begins to feel resentment when he sees that the thing is much more valuable to parents than the child himself. 2.1.4. “This situation happened in the summer when I was vacationing with my grandparents in the village. I was then 9 years old. One evening they briefly went to visit a neighbor and I was left at home alone. I sat by the window and watched the neighbor boys playing ball. Suddenly, a fly burst into my world, which began to fly in front of my nose, beat against the glass, annoying me. When the fly finally landed, I swung and hit it. The blow was so strong that the glass, on which the fly was, fell out and broke. I was so afraid of my grandparents' anger over the broken glass that I ran away and hid in the greenhouse. I don’t remember exactly how long I sat there, but when it got dark, I began to freeze and decided to sneak into the house unnoticed. My grandmother was waiting for me at the door. Seeing her, I immediately burst into tears and began to babble incoherently about glass. I expected a scream, but my grandmother began to hug me, kiss and laugh. It turns out that when they returned home, and seeing that the glass was broken and the granddaughter was missing, my grandparents decided that I had been kidnapped. They called their parents in the city and they rushed to the village. Seeing me, my grandmother was www.phoenixbooks.ru 87 Part 3. Practical (task book with solutions) 3% () Dear parents! In this part of the book, we offer a description of the situations stopped at the moment of decision-making by adults. At this moment, the adult should think and determine what to say to the child, what to do. This section has been prepared to train your ability to think, analyze the situation of communication with the child, and make decisions. The hardest part for you in this section is to keep yourself from looking back. Probably, such a habit has been living in us since school days, and it is really not easy to hold on. But if you can’t force yourself to think for yourself, then you won’t get any training. I wish you victory over yourself! 3.1. -$ 3.1.1. , 1.1. "The situation is related to my younger brother Kolei when he was 5 years old. He liked one girl. March 8 was approaching, he wanted to give her a gift and decided to give money. Kolya knew where the money was, and took one money, hoping that if only one was gone, his parents would not notice. The loss was discovered immediately, www.phoenixbooks.ru 88 Parental ABCs of Interaction with a Child The parents began to search and found the money under his pillow.” 1.2. “A boy, 6 years old, decided to prepare a pleasant surprise for the arrival of his parents from work - to cook soup. He did everything, as he had seen before, when adults were preparing the soup - he put all sorts of things there. And in the end, to make it tasty, I did not regret the granulated sugar. 1.3. “When I was 5 years old, my father left us. A year later, my mother decided to remarry. A “stranger uncle” appeared in the house, but no one explained to me who he was and what I should call him. I couldn’t say “dad” to someone else’s uncle, so I didn’t call him in any way, I tried not to address him directly, choosing phrases without appeals (“Mom calls for food”). They considered me an uneducated child, a “beech”, they were offended that I did not name my stepfather in any way. 1.4. “First love is a wonderful feeling! I turned 14 and my parents gave me gold chain and earrings. At that time, I really liked my older brother's friend, who often came to visit us. To my regret, I was just a child for him. After some time, he went to the army, and I gave him this very chain as a keepsake. Time passed, my mother noticed the loss. Questions began, at first I denied it, and then I told everything. 3.1.2. , 2.1. “Children at the dacha were playing buzz-box. It's time for lunch. In the midst of the game, the children were called to the table. The driver at that time was the seven-year-old Lesha. The child ran into the dining room and continued to buzz. He understood that it was time for dinner, but he didn't want to be the last one and didn't want to stop the game because of him. Then Lesha "stained" standing next to Petya, and he had no choice but to buzz softly and touch the other. So the chain went on - no one wanted to be last." 2.2. “Brother and sister played hunters and during the game they ripped two soft toys, imitating the process of hunting animals. 2.3. “A group of children are playing Indians. They are armed with homemade bows and arrows. Towards them a man is walking. Children decide that this is their enemy a cowboy and shoot him with bows. 2.4. “My daughter, 5 years old, loves to play with dolls. Within a week, I began to notice that my dishes were disappearing from the kitchen, as well as food from their refrigerator (yogurt, eggs). As it turned out, the husband did not take anything. I went to my daughter’s room and saw an entire kitchen in the closet: there were yogurt, eggs, cereals in the plates.” 2.5. "Summer. A beautiful sunny day. Girls play with dolls in "daughters-mothers". Each has its own “daughter”, dressed in a dress that was sewn by “mommy”. And suddenly the girl Tanya comes and shows us all what coat she sewed for the doll. We all became jealous, as the coat was made of beautiful fabric and even trimmed with pieces of fur. And then my friend Vera called me to her home. She left me and went into another room. After a while, he comes in and holds a piece of beautiful fabric - brocade, pale blue. She shared the fabric with me, and we started sewing outfits for our dolls. When the outfits were ready, we went to "surprise" our girlfriends. Enthusiasm and joy knew no bounds. Having played enough, we asked my youngest - www.phoenixbooks.ru 127 Part 4. Complementary 4 /*+ 4.1. $ 0-6 "#$& 0"6 "7 4.1.1. "In the black-black forest there is a black-black house where a black-black woman lives..." - this is how one of the many scary stories begins "Six-year-old children, listening to her, freeze with fear, teenagers - impatiently waiting for an unexpected denouement, and adults - remember the vivid sensations of childhood. Anxiety, fears permeate the life of a preschooler and cause a reciprocal anxiety in the hearts of parents. How to help children How to deal with the fact that your child is afraid of a carpet hanging on the wall How to talk with children about things that frighten them Should I tell my child that it is shameful to be afraid These and other questions arise from caring parents We have prepared a short text , reading which parents will be able to answer these and other questions for themselves, to help their child grow up cautious and courageous. What you need to know about fear? .phoenixbooks.ru 128 Parental alphabet of interaction with the child The purpose of fear: salvation. Fear serves to warn a person about impending danger, allows you to focus on its source, look for ways to avoid danger. Reason: survival instinct, the desire to avoid trouble, pain, death (unknown, shame, loneliness, etc.). Types of fear: by source: non-objective, general (I'm afraid in general, I'm afraid of everything) and objective (I'm afraid of something specific); by the strength of emotional experiences: apprehension, fear, anxiety, fright, fear, horror, panic, affect; according to the changes caused in the body: mobilizing (activating, when, for example, running away from a dog, a person can jump over an obstacle that is insurmountable under normal conditions) and relaxing (causing stupor, blocking actions). According to psychologists, the type of fear that a child will experience depends both on genetic factors and on the style of upbringing in childhood. Manifestations of fear: physiological signs: rapid heartbeat, reddening of the bone, influx of strength, lump in the throat, weakness in the legs, spasm of muscles, blood vessels, bronchi, palpitations, sweat, trembling, dizziness, involuntary relaxation, muscle paralysis; behavioral signs: the child bites his nails, sways, drums his fingers on the table, pulls his hair, etc. e. Conclusion: fear and the ability to be afraid are good. Too much fear is dangerous. For example, 80% of drowning people die because of fear, which does not allow them to relax and lie on their backs. www.phoenixbooks.ru 129 Part 4. Complementary Features of the child's fears. A child under two years of age often does not know fear. Then this innate program turns on and turns on very powerfully, totally. At two years old, children, for example, are afraid of visiting a doctor. From the age of three, the number of specific fears decreases, symbolic fears appear: darkness, heights, loneliness. The child learns that there is death and is afraid of losing his parents. The child does not talk about his fears, about the terrible dreams he has seen, since speaking, according to his feeling, can revive these fears. For example, a child sees a dragon in the contours of a carpet hanging over the bed and is afraid of it, but if you tell your mother about this and ask to remove the carpet, the dragon will be offended and take revenge. Therefore, the child is silent, and every day strokes the dragon, tells him good words to appease him. More intellectually developed children have more fears. Parents' dissatisfaction with work, housing, and life increases children's anxiety and fears. At the age of 6–7, the fear of one's own death becomes the leading one. From 7 to 11 years old, the child is most afraid of “being wrong”, doing something wrong, not meeting generally accepted norms and requirements. The presence of fears in a child is the norm, but if there are a lot of fears, then we should talk about the presence of anxiety in the character of the child. Anxiety in preschoolers is not a stable psychological trait, i.e., it can be eliminated. A child who is not compelled not to be afraid is usually able to eliminate his fear himself. Older preschoolers, younger schoolchildren begin to tell each other horror stories that perform very important functions: bringing out those who live inside www.phoenixbooks.ru 217 Part 4. Complementary Abramenkova V. What do our children play? Toy and Anti-toy. - M.: Yauza, Eksmo, Lepta book, 2006. Andersen H.K. Fairy tales. - L.: Fiction, 1981. Arefieva T.A. Children and money. - St. Petersburg: Speech, 2006. Barkan A.I. His Majesty is a child, as he is. Secrets and riddles. - M.: Century, 1996. Barkan A. Bad habits of good children. - M.: AST - Astrel, 2009. Belkin A.S. What is a situation of success and how to create it. - M.: Enlightenment, 1991. Grimm Ya., Grimm V. Fairy tales. - Minsk: Belarus, 1983. Zhuravlev V.I. Fundamentals of pedagogical conflictology. - M.: Ros. ped. agency, 1995. Korchak Ya. How to love a child. - Yekaterinburg: U-Factoria, 2008. Levy V.L. Irregular child. - M.: Pedagogy, 1983. Levi V.I. Taming fear. - M.: Metaphor, 2002. Folk Russian fairy tales by A.N. Afanasiev: in 3 volumes / The publication was prepared by L.A. Barag and N.V. Novikov. - M.: Nauka, 1984. Natanzon E.Sh. Psychological analysis of the student's actions and methods of pedagogical influence. - M.: Enlightenment, 1986. Rodari J. Tales. Poems. - L.: Lenizdat, 1980. www.phoenixbooks.ru 218 Parental alphabet of interaction with a child Russian folk riddles, proverbs, sayings / comp. SOUTH. Kruglov. - M.: Education, 1990. Rybakova M.M. Conflict and interaction in the pedagogical process. - M.: Enlightenment, 1991. Sukhomlinsky V.A. Reader on ethics. - M.: Pedagogy, 1990. Shchurkova N.E. Workshop on pedagogical technology. - M.: Pedagogical Society of Russia, 1998. Shchurkova N.E., Pityukov V.Yu., Savchenko A.P. etc. New technologies educational process . - M., 1993. www.phoenixbooks.ru 219 Contents 8/ To readers.................................. .........................................3 Part 1. Theoretical.... ................................................. .5 1.1. Situations that are difficult for the child himself............................7 1.2. Situations that have arisen in the game .........................................16 1.3. Boundary Check Situations..............................................23 1.4. Adult Verification Situations...............................................28 1.5. Emotional Outburst Situations..............................31 1.6. Situations of pedagogical conflict.......................36 1.7. Misdemeanor situations .................................................. ...43 Part 2. Illustrative ............................................... ......60 2.1. Difficult situation for the child...................................................60 2.2. The situation that arose in the game.............................................67 2.3. Boundary Check Situation .........................................71 2.4. Adult Verification Situation ..................................75 2.5. Situation of an emotional outburst .............................. 78 2.6. Situation of pedagogical conflict............................79 2.7. Misdemeanor situation .................................................. ...81 Part 3. Practical (problem book with solutions) ...............87 3.1. Taskmaster ................................................. ....................87 3.1.1. Difficult situation for the child.......................................87 3.1.2. The situation that arose in the game .............................. 88 3.1.3. Boundary Check Situation...................................90 3.1.4. Adult Verification Situation ..................................91 3.1.5. Situation of an emotional outburst .............................. 92 3.1.6. Situation of the pedagogical conflict............93 3.1.7. Misdemeanor situation ..........................................94 www.phoenixbooks.ru 219 Table of Contents 8/ Readers.................................................................. ...............................3 Part 1. Theoretical .............................. ...............................................5 1.1. Situations that are difficult for the child himself............................7 1.2. Situations that have arisen in the game .........................................16 1.3. Boundary Check Situations..............................................23 1.4. Adult Verification Situations...............................................28 1.5. Emotional Outburst Situations..............................31 1.6. Situations of pedagogical conflict.......................36 1.7. Misdemeanor situations. ................................................. 43 Part 2. Illustrative ............................................... ...60 2.1. Difficult situation for the child...................................................60 2.2. The situation that arose in the game.............................................67 2.3. Boundary Check Situation .........................................71 2.4. Adult Verification Situation ..................................75 2.5. Situation of an emotional outburst .............................. 78 2.6. Situation of pedagogical conflict............................79 2.7. Misdemeanor situation .................................................. ...81 Part 3. Practical (problem book with solutions) ...............87 3.1. Taskmaster ................................................. ....................87 3.1.1. Difficult situation for the child.......................................87 3.1.2. The situation that arose in the game .............................. 88 3.1.3. Boundary Check Situation...................................90 3.1.4. Adult Verification Situation ..................................91 3.1.5. Situation of an emotional outburst .............................. 92 3.1.6. Situation of the pedagogical conflict............93 3.1.7. Misdemeanor situation ..........................................94 www.phoenixbooks.ru 220 Parental alphabet of interaction with the child 3.2. Solutions................................................. .........................95 3.2.1. Difficult situation for the child...................................95 3.2.2. The situation that arose in the game .............................. 96 3.2.3. Boundary Check Situation...................................98 3.2.4. Adult Verification Situation ..................................99 3.2.5. Situation of an emotional outburst .............. 101 3.2.6. Situation of pedagogical conflict..........102 3.2.7. Misdemeanor situation .............................................. 104 3.3. How to determine the type of situation (on the example of a child's lie) .............................................. 106 3.3.1. Children's lies .............................................................. ...107 3.3.2. What you need to know about lying...............................................108 3.3.3. Peculiarities of children's lies...............................................109 3.4. Summing up .............................................................. ..........121 Part 4. Complementary .............................. ............... 127 4.1. How to Help Your Child Overcome Fear .................................127 4.1.1. Parents about children's fears .........................................127 4.1.2. Ways to solve the set tasks ............................... 132 4.1.3. Thoughts to think about, including with your child. ...............................133 4.1.4. Reading with a child and discussing fairy tales about fear ......................134 Russian fairy tales .................. ...............................................135 The cat and the fox.. ................................................. ............135 Frightened bear and wolves.................................. .138 The sworn prince.............................................. ......141 Khanty fairy tale "Ide" .............................. .........144 Tales of the Brothers Grimm............................ ...............145 Brave tailor.................................. ..................145 The tale of the one who went to fear to learn ..................155 Tales of Gianni Rodari .. ...................................................168 Country where there is nothing sharp...............................168 www.phoenixbooks.com 221 Contents Elevator to the stars... ................................................. ....170 A kingdom without fear............................... ..........174 The Boy Who Was Afraid of Everything.......................176 Fairy Tales and Stories B .A. Sukhomlinsky........................177 Wolf teeth...................... ...............................................177 Summer thunderstorm........ ................................................. ...178 I asked my grandmother... ........................................ ......179 I'm not afraid of either thunder or lightning.............180 How Nina wasn't afraid of the gander. ..............................181 How Kolya Became Brave............. ...............................182 The timid boy.............. ...............................183 4.2. How to Help Your Child Be Truthful.......................184 Thoughts to Consider.................................. ..184 Reading tales about lies .............................................. ......186 French folk tale“The Bird That Spoke the Truth” .............................187 I.A. Karpov. Liar (fable) ............................................... 193 L.N. Tolstoy. Liar................................................. .........194 V.A. Sukhomlinsky. Even the flowers turned red............195 V.A. Sukhomlinsky. How Natasha bought a sly trick from Lisa ......................196 V.A. Sukhomlinsky. White Feather..................................197 A.H. Andersen. The True Truth..............................199 T. Janson. Scary story .................................................. 202 L.N. Tolstoy. How Uncle Stepan told about what happened to him in the forest ..........212 O. Tumanyan. Lier................................................. ...........213 L.N. Tolstoy. Hedgehog and hare ............................................... ...215 Literature............................................... ..........................217 www.phoenixbooks.ru Series “Your Child's World” 7 ! "#$ - Managing editor S. Ostashov Technical editor L. Bagryantseva Cover A. Vartanov Proofreaders O. Milovanova, M. Lepekhina Submitted for typesetting on 05.05.2010. Signed for printing on 07.26.2010. Format 84 108 1/32. Paper type No. 2. Typeface Newton C. Offset printing Conventional printed sheets 11.76 Circulation 2500 copies Order No. Feniks LLC 344082, Rostov-on-Don, Khalturinskiy per., 80. Printed from ready-made transparencies at CJSC "Book" 344019, Rostov-on-Don, Sovetskaya st., 57. www.phoenixbooks.ru

) that measure the same parameters of parent-child interaction.

It is important for a psychologist to know not only the assessment of relations on the one hand - parents, but also the vision of this interaction on the other hand - from the position of children. This need arises especially often in the psychological counseling of adolescents and their parents. I. Markovskaya set herself the task of creating mirror questionnaires that have two forms: for parents and for children.

At the first stage of the work, the author was faced with the task of choosing criteria for assessing the interaction of parents with children, which could later become scales of the questionnaire. Literature data indicated that most authors single out the following parameters of interaction between a parent and a child: autonomy-control (E.S. Sheffer, R.K. Bell, S. Brody, E. E. Maccoby, V. Schutz); rejection-acceptance (A. Roe, M. Segelman, A.I. Zakharov, D.I. Isaev, A.Ya. Varga); exactingness (E. E. Maccoby, O. Conner, P. Slater); the degree of emotional intimacy, attachment (J. Bowlby, V. Schutz, G.T. Homentauskas); severity (E.E. Maccoby, P. Slater); inconsistency - consistency (S. Brody, E. E. Maccoby, W. X. Sevell, A. I. Zakharov).

These parameters were taken as the basis for the scales of the parent-child interaction questionnaire. The questionnaire also included scales of cooperation and agreement as important parameters of interaction according to R. F. Bales. Since A. S. Makarenko, S. V. Kovalev and others also note the importance of parental authority and associate it with the possibility of influencing the child, we considered it necessary to include the authority scale in the questionnaire. Another important indicator of the relationship between parents and children is the degree of satisfaction of parents with the process of interaction with children. Parent's dissatisfaction with the relationship with the child may be a factor in seeking help in psychological counseling. The satisfaction scale was included in the adult and children's versions of the questionnaire.

More than a hundred statements were made describing interactions in the family, as a result of further analysis, 80 statements were left, which were presented to the experts to determine the content validity. The group of experts was made up of psychologists from the cities of St. Petersburg and Chelyabinsk, who have practical experience working with children and parents for at least 5 years.

The experts had to evaluate the content of each question for compliance with its specific scale of the questionnaire. Questions that received less than 80% of votes or were assigned by the majority of experts to several scales at the same time were excluded from further work. To give the questionnaire a good shape, an equal number of questions were left on each scale, except for two, which are distinguished by most researchers and which can be considered basic in parent-child relationships. These are the scales of autonomy-control and rejection-acceptance, they included 10 statements each, and the rest of the scales - 5 statements each. The final version of the questionnaire for children included 60 statements.

The adult version of the questionnaire for parents of adolescents also includes 60 questions and has a similar structure to the children's version.

When filling out the questionnaire, parents and children are asked to rate the degree of agreement with each statement on a 5-point system: 1 point - completely disagree, this statement is not at all suitable, 5 points - completely agree, this statement is absolutely suitable.

The Parent-Child Interaction Questionnaire for adolescents and their parents presents the following 10 scales.

1. Undemanding - demanding parent. The data of this scale show the level of exactingness of the parent, which is manifested in the interaction of the parent with the child. The higher the score on this scale, the more demanding the parent is, the more he expects a high level of responsibility from

2. Softness-strictness of the parent. Based on the results of this scale, one can judge the severity, severity of the measures applied to the child, the rigidity of the rules established in the relationship between parents and children, the degree of coercion of children to something.

3. Autonomy - control in relation to the child. The higher the scores on this scale, the more pronounced the controlling behavior towards the child. High control can manifest itself in petty guardianship, obsession, the desire to limit; low control can lead to complete autonomy of the child, to permissiveness, which may be the result of either an indifferent attitude towards the child, or admiration. It is also possible that low control is associated with the manifestation of trust in the child or the desire of the parent to instill independence in him.

4. Emotional distance - the emotional closeness of the child to the parent. Particular attention should be paid to the fact that this scale reflects the parent's idea of ​​the closeness of the child to him. This interpretation of this scale is caused by the mirror form of the questionnaire, according to which children evaluate their closeness to their parents, their desire to share the most intimate and important with their parents. Comparing the data of the parent and the data of the child, one can judge the accuracy of the parent's ideas, the overestimation or underestimation of the child's closeness to him.

5. Rejection - acceptance of the child by the parent. This scale reflects the parent's basic attitude towards the child, his acceptance or rejection of the child's personal qualities and behavioral manifestations. Acceptance of the child as an individual is important condition favorable development of the child, his self-esteem. Parental behavior may

perceived by the child as accepting or rejecting.

6. Lack of cooperation - cooperation. The presence of cooperation between parents and children perfectly reflects the nature of the interaction. Cooperation is a consequence of the inclusion of the child in the interaction, recognition of his rights and dignity. It reflects equality and partnership in relationships

parents and children. Lack of such may be the result of broken relationships, authoritarian, indifferent or permissive parenting styles.

7. Disagreement-agreement between the child and the parent. This scale

also describes the nature of the interaction between parent and child and reflects the frequency and degree of agreement between them in various life situations. Using two forms of the questionnaire - for children and adults, it is possible to assess the degree of agreement not only

on this scale, but also on all other scales, since the discrepancies between them also make it possible to judge the differences in the views of the child and the parent on the educational situation in the family.

8. Inconsistency - the sequence of the parent. The consistency of the parent is an important parameter of interaction, this scale reflects how consistent and constant the parent is in his demands, in his attitude towards the child, in the application of punishments and rewards, etc. The inconsistency of a parent may be the result of emotional imbalance, educational uncertainty, rejecting attitudes towards the child, etc.

9. Parent authority. The results of this scale reflect the parent's self-esteem in the sphere of his influence on the child, how much his opinions, actions, actions are authoritative for the child, what is the strength of their influence. Comparison with the data of the child makes it possible to judge the degree of discrepancy in the assessments of parental authority. When children give a high rating to the authority of a parent, it most often means a pronounced positive attitude towards the parent as a whole, so the indicators on this scale are very important for diagnosing the positivity - negativity of the child's relationship with the parent, as well as the indicators on the next - 10th scale. 10. Satisfaction with the relationship of the child with the parent. According to the 10th scale, one can judge the overall degree of satisfaction with the relationship between parents and children, both from one side and the other. A low degree of satisfaction may indicate violations in the structure of parent-child relationships, possible conflicts, or concern about the current family situation.

The variant of the questionnaire for parents of adolescents served as the basis for compiling another form of the questionnaire - for parents of preschoolers and younger schoolchildren. Some questions were changed, which turned out to be inadequate for children of this age, and two scales of the questionnaire were replaced. Instead of scales of disagreement-consent and authoritativeness of the parent (7th and 9th scales), two new scales were introduced: 7th - anxiety for the child; 9th - educational confrontation in the family. This replacement is explained by the fact that the indicators of these scales can provide valuable information for a counseling psychologist, to whom parents turn for help and who needs to have more complete information about the nature of upbringing in the family. Many authors draw attention to parental anxiety for the child as an important factor in understanding the emergence of neurotic reactions in children. A. I. Zakharov also singles out low cohesion and disagreement of family members on issues of education as a feature of the pathogenic type of education, which can lead to educational confrontation within the family. In addition, the replacement of the 7th and 9th scales is caused by the absence of a parallel form of these scales in children's version questionnaire, since at this age it is quite difficult for children to answer questions related to their attitude towards their parents, and without comparison with children's data, the consent and authority scales lose their diagnostic value.

Thus, the Parent-Child Interaction Questionnaire (PCR) has three forms: one for children and two for adults, with 60 questions each.

Instruction

4 points - generally yes;

3 points - yes and no;

2 points - rather no than yes;

Teen option

1. If he (a) demands something from me, he will definitely achieve it.

2. He/she always punishes me for my bad deeds.

3. I rarely tell him (her) where I'm going and when I'll be back.

4. He (a) considers me a completely independent person.

5. I can tell him (her) about everything that happens to me.

6. He (a) thinks that I will not achieve anything in life.

7. He (a) notices flaws in me more often than virtues.

8. He/she often assigns important and difficult tasks to me.

10. Sometimes he (a) can allow what he forbade yesterday.

11. I always consider his (her) point of view.

12. I would like my future children to treat me the same way I treat him (her).

13. I rarely do what he (a) asks me to do the first time.

14. He (a) rarely scolds me.

15. He (a) tries to control all my actions and deeds.

16. Believes that the main thing is to obey him (her).

17. If I have a misfortune, first of all I share it with him (her).

18. He (a) does not share my hobbies.

19. He (a) does not consider me as smart and capable as he (she) would like.

20. He/she can admit he was wrong and apologize to me.

21. He (a) often follows my lead.

22. You never know for sure how he (a) will react to my words.

25. At home, he (a) gives me more responsibilities than in the families of most of my friends.

26. It happens that he applies physical punishments to me.

27. Even if I do not want, I have to do as he (a) wants.

28. Thinks he/she knows best what I need.

29. He (a) always sympathizes with me.

30. I think he (a) understands me.

31. He (a) would like to change a lot in me.

32. When making family decisions, he (a) always takes into account my opinion.

33. He (a) always agrees with my ideas and suggestions.

34. You never know what to expect from him (her).

35. He (a) is for me a standard and an example in everything.

36. I believe that he (a) brings me up correctly.

37. He (a) makes a lot of demands on me.

38. By nature, he (a) is a gentle person.

39. Usually he (a) allows me to return home when I want.

40. He (a) seeks to protect me from the difficulties and troubles of life.

41. He (a) does not allow me to notice his (her) weaknesses and shortcomings.

42. I feel that he (she) likes my character.

43. He (a) often criticizes me on trifles.

44. He/she is always ready to listen to me.

46. ​​He (a) punishes me for such things as he does.

47. I share most of his (her) views.

49. He (a) often makes me do things that I do not want to.

50. Forgives me what others would punish me for.

51. He (a) wants to know everything about me: what I think about, how I feel about my friends, etc.

52. I do not consult with him (her), with whom I should be friends.

53. I can say that he (a) is the person closest to me.

54. He (a) all the time expresses dissatisfaction with me.

55. I think he (a) welcomes my behavior.

56. He (a) takes part in cases that I invent.

57. We imagine my future life differently with him (her).

58. The same actions of mine can cause him (her) either reproaches or praise.

59. I would like to be like him (her).

question number

M

O

Question No.

M

O

Question No.

M

O

Question No.

M

O

question number

M

O

Sum

Note: M - mother's score; O - father's assessment.

For parents of teenagers

Indicate the degree of agreement with the following statements on a 5-point system. Rate the statements separately for each parent in the answer sheet: under the letter M - for the mother, under the letter O - for the father:

5 points - definitely yes (very strong agreement);

4 points - generally yes;

3 points - yes and no;

2 points - rather no than yes;

1 point - no (absolute disagreement).

3. He/she rarely tells me where he is going and when he will be back.

4. I consider him (her) a completely independent person.

7. I tell him (her) more often about his (her) shortcomings than virtues.

8. I often entrust him (her) with important and difficult tasks.

9. It is difficult for us to reach a mutual agreement.

10. It happens that I allow him (her) what I forbade yesterday.

11. Son (daughter) always takes into account my point of view.

12. I would like him (a) to treat (treat) his children in the same way that I treat him (her).

15. I try to control all his (her) actions and deeds.

21. I often follow him (her) on occasion.

22. It is difficult for me to predict my behavior in relation to

him (her).

24. I like our relationship with him (her).

25. At home he (she) has more responsibilities than most of his friends.

28. I think I know better what he (she) needs.

31. I would like to change a lot in him (her).

33. I always agree with his (her) ideas and suggestions.

35. I am for him (her) a standard and an example in everything.

39. I let him (her) come home whenever he (a) wants.

45. We disagree with him (her) on many issues.

46. ​​I punish him (her) for such actions that I do myself.

47. He (a) shares most of my views.

48. I get tired of everyday communication with him (her).

49. I have to force him (her) to do what he (she) does not want.

52. He (a) does not consult with me with whom he (she) should be friends.

57. We imagine with him (her) his (her) future life in different ways.

59. I think he (she) would like to be like me.

60. I want him (a) to always treat (treat) me the same way as now.

For parents of preschoolers and younger students

Indicate the degree of agreement with the following statements on a 5-point system. Rate the statements separately for each parent in the answer sheet: under the letter M - for the mother, under the letter O - for the father:

5 points - definitely yes (very strong agreement);

4 points - generally yes;

3 points - yes and no;

2 points - rather no than yes;

1 point - no (absolute disagreement).

1. If I demand something from him (her), then I will definitely achieve it.

2. I always punish him (her) for bad deeds.

3. He/she usually decides what clothes to wear.

4. My child can safely be left unattended.

5. Son (daughter) can tell me about everything that happens to him (her).

6. I think that he (a) will not achieve anything in life.

7. I tell him (her) more often about what I don’t like about him (her) than I like.

8. We often do homework together.

9. I am constantly worried about the health of the child.

10. I feel inconsistent (inconsistent) in my demands.

11. There are often conflicts in our family.

12. I would like (a) that he (a) raised (a) their children in the same way as I did him (her).

13. He (a) rarely does what I ask for the first time.

14. I very rarely scold him (her).

15. I try to control all his (her) actions and deeds.

16. I think that for him (her) the main thing is to obey me.

17. If he (she) has a misfortune, first of all he (a) shares with me.

18. I do not share his (her) hobbies.

19. I do not consider him (her) as smart (smart) and capable (capable) as I would like.

20. I can admit I was wrong and apologize to him (her).

21. I often think that something terrible could happen to my child.

22. It is difficult for me to predict my behavior towards him (her).

23. My child's upbringing would be much better if other family members did not interfere.

24. I like our relationship with her (him).

25. At home, he (she) has more responsibilities than most of his (her) friends.

26. Have to apply to him (her) physical punishment.

27. He (she) has to do as I say, even if he (a) does not want to.

28. I think I know better than him (her) what he (she) needs.

29. I always sympathize with my child.

30. I think I understand him (her).

31. I would like (a) to change a lot in him (her).

32. When making family decisions, I always take into account his (her) opinion.

33. I think I'm an anxious mom (anxious dad).

34. My behavior is often unexpected for him (her).

35. It happens that when I punish a child, my husband (wife, grandmother, etc.) begins to reproach me for being too strict.

36. I think that in general I am raising my son (daughter) correctly.

37. I make a lot of demands on him (her).

38. By nature, I am a gentle person.

39. I let him (her) walk alone in the yard of the house.

40. I strive to protect him (her) from the difficulties and troubles of life.

41. I do not allow him (a) to notice (a) my weaknesses and shortcomings.

42. I like his (her) character.

43. I often criticize him (her) on trifles.

44. I always listen to him (her) with readiness.

45. I consider it my duty to protect him (her) from all dangers.

46. ​​I punish him (her) for such things that I do myself (a).

47. Sometimes I unwittingly turn a child against other family members.

48. I get tired of everyday communication with him (her).

49. I have to force him (her) to do what he (a) does not want.

50. I forgive him (her) what others would punish for.

51. I would like to know everything about him (her): what he (a) thinks, how he treats his friends, etc.

52. He (a) chooses what to do at home in his free time.

53. I think that for him (her) I am the closest person.

54. I applaud his (her) behavior.

55. I often express my dissatisfaction with him (her).

56. I take part in the cases that he (a) comes up with.

57. I often think that someone can offend him (her).

58. It happens that I reproach and praise him (her), in essence, for the same thing.

59. It happens that if I tell him (her) one thing, then the husband (wife, grandmother, etc.) specifically says the opposite.

60. It seems to me that my relationship with the child is better than in the families of most of my acquaintances.

question number		question number		question number				question number

Calculation and processing of the results of the WPP questionnaire

All three forms of the questionnaire (children's and adults) are processed in a similar way. The total number of points for each scale is calculated, taking into account whether these are direct or reverse statements. The reverse statements are converted into points in the following way:

Answers: 1-2 - 3 - 4 - 5.

Points: 5-4 - 3 - 2-1.

In the key forms, the reverse questions are marked with asterisks. Since scales 3 and 5 contain 10 statements each, and not 5, as in the others, the arithmetic sum of the scores on these scales is divided by 2. The total score is entered in the last column of the registration form. Each line of the answer sheet belongs to one scale (see key). For example, the 1st scale includes statements: 1, 13, 25, 37, 49; to the 10th scale: 12, 24, 36, 48, 60; to the 3rd scale: 3, 4, 15, 16, 27, 28, 39, 40, 51, 52; etc.

The key to the vpp questionnaires for teenagers and their parents

question number		question number		question number		question number		question number		Sum on scale
										Divisible by 2
										Divisible by 2

Scales of the BRR questionnaire for adolescents and their parents:

2) softness-rigor;

3) autonomy-control;

4) emotional distance-closeness;

5) rejection - acceptance;

7) disagreement - consent;

10) satisfaction with the relationship with the child (parent).

Key to the VRR Questionnaire for Parents of Preschoolers and Primary Schoolchildren

question number		question number		question number		question number		question number		Sum on scale
										Divisible by 2
										Divisible by 2

Scales of the VRR questionnaire for parents of preschoolers and younger students:

1) undemanding-demanding;

2) softness - severity;

3) autonomy-control;

4) emotional distance - proximity;

5) rejection - acceptance;

6) lack of cooperation-cooperation;

7) anxiety for the child;

8) inconsistency-consistency;

9) educational confrontation in the family;

10) satisfaction with the relationship with the child.

Title: (presentation for parent meeting on Wednesday. preschool group)
Year: 2010
Pages: 25
Format: presentation in ppt format (rar archive)
Size: 5.84 Mb
Good quality

Life is replete with situations in which the child needs to make decisions on his own. How to teach a child to do it right?

The main sign of the situation is that the child could not (could not) do otherwise, he himself suffers.

Situations that are difficult for the child himself:

• Situations in which the child did not know what to do, did not suspect that he was doing something bad, or even was sure that he was doing well;
• Did something by accident, by accident;
• Could not do otherwise, or was forced to do just that.

Necessary actions of an adult

• Give the child the necessary explanations
• To teach the child to act correctly, to teach those skills, due to the lack of which he cannot cope with the situation today
• If a child performs these actions because he sees no other way to solve his problem, then you need to help him solve the problem.

The content of the presentation " The ABC of interaction between parents and a child«.

• situational approach
• Difficult situations for the child
• The main symptom of the situation:
• Necessary actions of an adult:
• Situations in the game
• Boundary Checking Situations
• Adult Verification Situations
• emotional outburst situations
• Ethical defense techniques
• Situations of pedagogical conflict
• Misdemeanor situations
• The main motives for committing misconduct
• Method of Natural Consequences
• Types of situations of interaction with a child

Screenshot of the presentation "The ABC of interaction between parents and a child":

Purpose: the acquisition by parents of the experience of interaction and mutual understanding with children, strengthening the emotional contact between the parent and the child.

Tasks:

1. Formation of practical skills in the field of interaction with children in parents.
2. Introducing the Views to Parents "difficult situations" interaction between adults and children.
3. To teach and develop in parents the skills of proper interaction with the child in a given situation.
4. Increasing the level of mutual understanding between adults and children.
5. Promoting the formation of harmonious relationships between parents and children, changing the image of the child in the minds of parents in a positive way.

Stimulus material: a ball of thread, a tape with calm music, a tape recorder, cards with situations, reminders for parents

Plan of the meeting:

1. Greeting parents.
2. The exercise "Acquaintance"
3. Psychologist's speech and analysis of each type of situation
4. The game "Understand me"
5. Independent work of parents in groups
6. Reflection of the lesson. Summing up and handing out a memo for parents "Types of situations of interaction with a child"
7. Relaxation "Anxiety Cleansing"

The course of the meeting:

1. Greeting parents

Good evening dear parents! Today our meeting is called "The ABC of parent-child interaction" . "Letters" ABCs of parental interaction will be the types of situations that we will consider today.

2. Exercise "Acquaintance"

The psychologist invites parents to get to know each other better by passing a ball of thread. The participant who has a ball in his hands says his name and an adjective starting with the first letter of the name, which characterizes him as a person. Then the ball is passed to the next participant.

When the ball returns to the psychologist, he asks: “What does it look like what we got?” (web, asterisk, etc.)

I would like to draw your attention to the fact that in life our relationship with children resembles such an interweaving of threads.

At the end of the exercise, the ball is wound in the opposite direction, while it is necessary to repeat the name and adjective again so that all participants remember them.

3. Speech by a psychologist.

A person's life can be viewed as a chain of situations. Today, in various sciences, the so-called "situational approach" , which seeks to teach people to make the right decision in various situations.

So we will make the situation of interaction between an adult and a child the subject of our conversation. The subject of conversation will be situations in which, for some reason, we do not like the actions of the child, cause anxiety, tension, irritation, etc., i.e. difficult situations of interaction between a child and an adult. In order to learn how to choose the right actions in a given situation, first of all, it is necessary to understand what the child feels, wants, experiences, understands inside this situation, why he behaves in this way.

Based on the motives of the child's actions, seven types of situations of interaction between the child and the adult can be distinguished, which we will consider. Our task is to learn to determine the type of situation, because Our further actions will depend on the type of situation.

3. 1. Situations that are difficult for the child himself.

These are situations in which the child did not know what to do, did not suspect that he was doing something bad, or was even sure that he was doing well; did something by accident; could not do otherwise, or was compelled to do just that.

The main sign of situations: the child could not (couldn't) do otherwise, he himself suffers.

Consider an example of this type of situation.

On Sunday, an 8-year-old girl and her friend were going for a walk. Usually dad was at home, who gave her money with him for ice cream and sweets. But today he was not, he went on business. Dad's jacket hung on a hanger. Dad always took out money from the pocket of this jacket. The girl decided to take on her father's mission, since he himself cannot fulfill it. She was one hundred percent sure that dad would give her money, just now he is not there. Without hesitation, she took the money from her pocket and went for a walk. The girl returned home in a good mood, but she saw an angry father. At the threshold he greeted her with a harsh cry: "Thief!" . Then she heard that her father was disappointed in her, that he could no longer respect her, that she would be punished and would not go out for a walk for two weeks, etc. No one asked the girl anything, she did not have time to put in a word, and very soon she could no longer speak from the resentment that choked her.

Let's think, what was the girl's fault? She did not even think that she was stealing or taking without asking. She was sure that it was her money and she takes her own - after all, dad always gave her metal money from her pocket. Most likely, she did not think at all about such a phenomenon as theft, since she had never encountered it.

Why did dad react like that? He probably wanted to nip theft in the bud and believed that such a reaction would be a bright lesson for life. Perhaps he himself had once suffered from theft and had a sharply negative attitude towards him, which made his actions so emotional.

The girl took money from her pocket several times, but she did it cunningly - she took only a part of the amount so that it was unnoticeable. Although, of course, she took risks.

Why did she do it? If she is not guilty of anything and is not a thief, then why steal?

Because she's already been called a thief. For everyone, she is a thief, and the person most dear to her called her that. She was very offended.

What can a child who is very hurtful do?

How to reduce the pain of resentment and justify the actions of your beloved dad?

The internal tension needs to be discharged. These actions relieved the pain a little. Could she have gotten into it and kept stealing? Could.

This situation is a very vivid illustration of the existing law on the degree of punishment. We use punishment to prevent the child from repeating wrong actions, but the real inner force that can prevent him from repeating the offense is guilt and the desire not to do bad things in the future, so as not to be guilty again.

Thus, in a situation that is difficult for a child, we do not punish him in any way, there is nothing to punish!

Situations with money related to the fact that children absolutely do not understand their value are quite common. Children can take money from home and give it to the guys, because they believe that if they just lie there, then they are not needed. They can take them to play.

Here is another case: A preschool girl often visited her grandmother and played with her different games, including the store. For the game, she used the money that lay with her grandmother in different places. Once, when she and her dad were walking home from her grandmother, she felt in the pocket of her dress for a paper money, which she forgot to leave with her grandmother. She pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to her father. Dad was very happy and said: "Did you find the money?" Without letting the child insert a word, he continued: “What a smart girl! Getter! And you give it to me? Well done! We will buy something with this money! The next time, when she came to her grandmother, the girl specially put paper money in her pocket. After all, she really wanted to be a breadwinner again, and for dad to praise her again. Then my grandmother noticed that the money was missing and told her parents. Only the girl was to blame for everything. They scolded her for a long time, they said that she had dishonored her parents, and forbade her to go to her grandmother for some time.

Let's think, what was the girl's fault? In an effort to perform approved actions?

If my grandmother had money in different places, why should she have guessed that she needed them?

In a situation where the girl saved up money and bought her parents a chocolate bar and flowers as a gift, her parents managed to scold the girl for lying and not saying where she got the money.

Why are we so reluctant to believe a child?

Maybe this is due to some of the parents' own childhood experiences or their fears about the possible negative development of the child?

Often, out of our suspicion and distrust, those problems that we want to avoid grow, and resentment of children remains for a long time and destroys relationships with parents.

Situations of this type can be very different. Here are some more examples:

You bought the child new rubber boots. Sending him for a walk, they gave an order - not to get dirty new shoes. The child comes back in wet boots. Why did this happen? Going out into the street, the child was filled with joy because of the new thing, all his attention was riveted on beautiful shiny boots. What can you do with boots? Of course, to test from the opportunity, to show the other guys what deep puddles he is now not afraid of.

Why do we punish a child?

For his joy and emotionality?

For the fact that he is still small and does not know how to restrain his desires?

What should adults do when faced with a child in such a situation? If a child simply did not know something, did not understand, did not know how, it was difficult for him, then, of course, the task of an adult is to provide the child with the necessary assistance. Adults need to give the child the necessary explanations, teach him to act correctly, teach him those skills, due to the lack of which he cannot cope with the situation today. We have nothing to scold and punish the child for, nothing to blame him for.

Interestingly, parents who lose their wallet or key are usually upset and sympathetic to themselves. But if a child has lost his wallet, they are often angry with him for absent-mindedness, irresponsibility, inattention, etc.

If we want the child to draw conclusions and acquire new abilities, we need to rely on his understanding, to include him in the activity he himself is aware of.

If you scold and punish, then this will not solve the problem, but the child will have complexes, insecurity.

If a child performs these actions because he sees no other way to solve his problem, then our task is to help him solve the problem.

The reason for the emergence of a difficult situation for the child can be the parents themselves, their relationship. For example, children are very hard going through the quarrels of their parents among themselves, and even more so their decision to divorce.

Also, a situation that is difficult for the child himself, we can solve with the help of the game.

3. 2. Situations that have arisen in the game.

These are game situations, i.e. children just play, but what happens in the game, we would like to change.

If what children are doing conflicts with our adult affairs, for example, with the need to go somewhere, do something that is necessary for us, then the easiest way is to restructure children by entering a game situation by assuming a role appropriate to the game and directing events in the right direction.

Children are enthusiastic about connecting an adult to the game, as he brings new ideas to it, develops the plot of the game, it is more interesting with him.

Adults often do not take into account what the child is doing, and consider only their adult affairs important. Therefore, parents insist that all games be stopped due to dinner, the need to sleep and other moments. Although it is not difficult to enter the game and influence its development in the right direction.

Situation for analysis:

1. Lenya rides a bicycle around the apartment, pretending to be the driver of a big car. Mom calls to eat, Lenya refuses, as he did not finish the delivery of the cargo.

Solution: Mom takes a plate of porridge, sits on the sofa and says: “Comrade drivers, drive your vehicles into the park. A mobile canteen has arrived. We are waiting for you" . Lenya "drives up" to the sofa, puts the bike-car "to the park" Don't forget to lock the doors and turn on the alarm. Lenya ate calmly, after which he continued his flight by car. Everyone is happy.

2. My niece is 5 years old. Very often, when playing, she forgets about everything. Once I was visiting them, they gathered for dinner, they called Alina to the table. And she plays dog Alka: runs on all fours with a leash, barks, does not respond to the words of adults. Dad began to scold his daughter, the situation escalated.

Solution: I tell her: “Alka, come with me to wash your paws, they are dirty with you” . I take it by the leash, she runs into the bathroom with a joyful bark. washing "paws" , I speak: “Come on quickly, otherwise your bones in the bowl are cooling down” . Alya runs to the table.

A child can immerse himself in the game under the influence of a book, movie, cartoon that made a strong impression on him.

For example, five-year-old Denis loves cartoons very much. "The Lion King" , looks at him a lot and begins to get used to the image of a lion, to his actions and deeds. It's time to go to bed, and he lies down on the floor, like the hero of this cartoon. Mom tries to talk to him, in response he only growls.

What to do? It is impossible to destroy the emotional responsiveness of the boy, his deep living of the events of the cartoon. The simplest thing is to take on the role of one of the cartoon characters and come up with a situation in which Leo goes to bed on a bed prepared for him. For example, the evil queen invites him to lie down on a sacrificial stone. By the way, in the cartoon, the characters speak human language, so his mother reminds him that he is the Lion King, who can speak, and begins to communicate with him.

One of the challenges of children's participation in play is the desire to play for real. This desire causes a lot of trouble for an adult and can lead to serious danger. For example, two boys were playing Indians at home. Wanting to do everything for real, the children lit an Indian fire right on the floor in the room. Fortunately, my mother was at home, who did not allow the tragedy to take place.

Playing doctor, children try for real, piercing the skin, to make an injection; buttons and mosaic details are swallowed as pills. Therefore, our task is to explain to the child the need to play pretend, since the game is a convention, the game itself involves actions that are not real. When we play, we are transported from ordinary reality to a fictional fictional world.

3. 3. Boundary checking situations.

These are situations in which the child tries to break the prohibitions in order to cancel or soften them.

From an adult, a child learns what is possible and impossible; from an adult, there are prohibitions and their control. An adult establishes boundaries that cannot be crossed, and sets posts on them. But the child is by nature an experimenter. His psyche is looking for the most convenient and attractive options for action, and for this it checks the established boundaries for strength.

A 4-year-old girl heard on the street how the boy said to dad: "Dad, you're a goat" . She wanted to know if it was okay to say that to her dad. Intuitively, she knew that dad would hardly consider such treatment acceptable. Therefore, having come home and shouting to her dad the phrase she heard, she ran to the toilet and closed herself in it. Dad reacted violently negatively, although he did not break the door to the toilet. The boundaries have been set.

In the need to check boundaries, there is a special period from 2 to 4 years, when the child listens very carefully to the prohibitions of an adult (for example, do not touch the stove, you will burn yourself), and immediately does what is forbidden.

It turns out that the prohibitions of adults can provoke traumatic actions of the child. Therefore, it is better to organize, under your control, a personal acquaintance of a child of this age with a dangerous object.

In many families, the child behaves completely differently in the presence of his father and mother, with his grandmother and with his parents. He experimented, tried to dictate his own conditions, as a result, it worked out with someone, but not with someone. In accordance with the results, the child chose a line of behavior.

Here is an example of such a situation:

“Lena bought elegant patent leather shoes. The next morning she is going to kindergarten.

Lena: I'll put on new shoes.

Mom: No, Lenochka, we have already agreed, these are shoes for the holidays and for guests.

Lena: No, I want today! (Starts to cry)

Dad: Don't worry, we'll figure something out. Mom, maybe only once?

Mom: No, I don't. The child must learn to take care of expensive things.

Lena cries harder and declares: Then I won't go to kindergarten at all.

Grandma appears.

Grandmother: What happened again? Again you upset the child in the morning! Come to me, girl, tell me who hurt you. Ah, shoes? I will buy you others today, you will walk in them whenever you want ... "

What experience does the child get in this situation? The experience of pressure on people with tears and threats, whining and extortion, the experience of maneuvering between adults.

Even if one adult does not agree with the requirements of another, in a situation of interaction with a child it is better to remain silent, and then, already without a child, discuss the differences and try to come to a common opinion.

There are families in which the rules change depending on the mood of the parents. What was impossible today can be tomorrow, but the day after tomorrow it will again be impossible. In such a family, the child feels life as the arbitrariness of an adult and learns to guess and use his mood.

So what should an adult do when a child is testing boundaries?

You need to respond calmly and kindly, understanding that such experimentation is normal behavior for an active child.

The main task of an adult is to gently but unequivocally confirm the existence of boundaries, if necessary, once again justify their necessity and recall the consequences of their violation.

3. 4. Situations of checking an adult.

Children are trying to test the strength of not only the boundaries, but also the adult himself. Children deliberately create a difficult situation for an adult in which he manifests himself, and they find out how real he is.

Adults are tested for erudition, intelligence, humor, fairness and, above all, for psychological stability. Four qualities that children especially appreciate in an adult are singled out: kindness, justice, intelligence, humor. At different age levels, these qualities are arranged in importance in different sequences.

Child-organized adult checks begin with resilience checks when the adult finds himself in an emotionally difficult situation for him. All this is unexpected and unpleasant for an adult and causes a storm of negative emotions in him. What will the adult do next? Will he scream, will he look for the guilty, will he punish? All these behaviors will indicate that the adult has not passed the test.

Very often in a situation of checking an adult, we punish a child. Can you answer the question:

Why, then, in such a situation, we most often seek to punish the child? Maybe because we are not ready for such situations, we do not know how to maintain emotional stability and goodwill, we are afraid of unpredictability, we are not able to respond to a situation in which we look awkward, with humor?

Situation for analysis:

1. A little girl was visiting her aunt. One day, when her aunt was putting her to bed, she called her a cow. The girl thought that her aunt would start cursing in response.

Solution: Aunt said: "And you - gold fish!» . Then the girl called her a cow again, and in response she heard sweet Nothing. Thus, the aunt turned everything into a joke that the girl liked. In the future, putting to bed, they played, calling each other affectionate words.

2. Christina at the age of 5 decided to check how her mother would behave if she hides. At the same time, she opened the door to the stairs so that her mother would think that she had left. The mother found out that the child was missing. The search turned up nothing. She was very scared. Mom found Christina by chance in 30-40 minutes. Cristina was frightened, realizing that the game had gone too far, but she herself could no longer stop it.

Solution: Mom did not punish Christina, realizing that the girl was already punished by her fear. When they both calmed down, they talked calmly, but with tears in their eyes. Mom told the girl that she loved her very much and was terribly frightened when she lost her. Christina was silent, hugged her mother, and then said: “I wanted to see how you would look for me. Forgive me mommy" . The girl didn't do that again.

So, the task of an adult is to allow the child to check and be able to pass checks, i.e. demonstrate the quality for which he is tested, while maintaining a friendly attitude towards children.

3. 5. Situations of emotional outburst.

These are situations where the child violates the ethical standards of communication due to severe emotional state. The child still does not know how to cope with his feelings, he cannot hide them. Being in the grip of negative emotions, he says something rude, harsh, offensive to the interlocutor.

Many children still do not know how to manage their emotions, cope with feelings, hide them. For instance,

1. A 5-year-old girl Tonya, being at her grandfather's, is trying to assemble a picture from puzzle pieces. She doesn't get it right, she starts crying. The grandfather, who loves his granddaughter, suggests that she put the mosaic aside and continue working later, to which Tonya says: "Leave me alone, you old fool!" . Grandfather is offended and does not talk to his granddaughter in the future.
2. Mom's friend holds out to a four-year-old child "candy" , which is bread wrapped in a candy wrapper. The boy unwrapped the candy and, finding the contents, got upset and said: "Uncle, are you stupid?"

Solution: Mom in this case needs to help the child and not offend the guest. You can say the following: “Seryozha, do not be offended. We played each other like that when we were kids. Our guest hoped that you would understand that this is a joke. Take another candy" .

3. In a fit of anger, a three-year-old boy said to his mother: "I'll kill you and bury you in a hole!" .

It must be understood that the child himself, having said an unpleasant word, is frightened, upset. Therefore, it is better if the adult's reaction is adequate to the situation and does not lead to the escalation of the conflict, but helps the child, sensing his wrong, to correct the situation. For this to work, you need to use

ethical defense techniques:

1. Question for reproduction.

You pretend that you did not hear the words of the child: “I’m sorry, you said something, but I, unfortunately, didn’t catch it. Be so kind as to repeat, please." . The emotional intensity of the child's state has decreased along with the phrase that has jumped out, he is already more in control of himself and he himself is already embarrassed.

2. Contrasting the child's virtues with his actions.

We say what kind of child is always good (polite, kind, understanding, modest, delicate, etc.), and suddenly now he showed himself as an intolerant person (sharp, rude, suspicious, incredulous, etc.). What happened? We are waiting for an explanation.

3. Admission of guilt.

We tell the child: “I guess I really offended you if you say such things to me. You just wouldn't let yourself do it. But I, unfortunately, did not notice how I offended you and when. If you don't mind, please explain." .

4. Demonstration of surprise.

The adult shows the child a strong emotional reaction to his words - surprise. Surprise suggests that we did not expect such actions from this wonderful child, that we are dumbfounded, unsettled and expect from him ... Explanations? Apologies?

5. Generous forgiveness.

We simply tell the child that we forgive him. We can add nothing to these words and not explain anything. Forgiveness is important in itself.

6. Motive substitution.

For example, your daughter was playing outside and saw one of the boys calling his grandmother names. "dog" . You and your daughter quarreled and she screams at you: “Mom, you are a dog!” Mom's answer: “How interesting, and you, then, will be a puppy. And how will we bark or talk? Thus, the mother did not accept the use of a rude word by her daughter as an opportunity and substituted a game motive. The child realized that his mother can be called "dog" only in the game.

7. Explanation to the child of his behavior and reasons.

The use of this technique contributes to the increase in the emotional culture of the child, helps him learn to understand and control his emotions.

8. Delayed conversation.

This technique must be used if the child is very angry and cannot quickly cope with his feelings. We simply invite the child to talk about it later: after dinner, in the evening, or even tomorrow. It is very important that the conversation takes place and is not an instructive monologue of an adult, but a frank conversation between the child and the parent about their feelings.

So, the task of an adult is to apply an ethical defense technique that will allow the child to feel embarrassed for his words and return communication to generally accepted cultural norms.

3. 6. Situations of pedagogical conflict.

These are situations in which the desires, interests, opinions of the child and the adult turn out to be contradictory.

Most often they are associated with the desire of an adult to force a child to do something that the child does not want to do. The adult believes that this is necessary, important, but the child does not agree with him and for some reason does not want to fulfill the requirements of the adult. There is a conflict. Most often, an adult is sure that he is right and tries to resolve the conflict from a position of strength, i.e. threatening, intimidating. But no one wants to obey out of fear.

We can escalate threats and the child will eventually succumb, but what do we actually achieve? Breaking his character, turning into an obedient performer? Decreased self-esteem? The emergence of a desire to do spitefully on the sly? The appearance of secrecy and cunning, when he will try not to do what he does not want, but in secret from his parents? Negative attitude to what he was forced to do?

Sometimes we create a conflict simply because we do not take what the child wants and does seriously, we proceed only from our desires.

Situation for analysis:

Lena, 6 years old, sculpts with interest and enthusiasm in her room at the table. Mom enters the room and gives the order to immediately get ready for a walk. The girl wants to finish the work and asks to wait a little bit. Outraged by the disrespect for her demands, the mother takes away the plasticine and forces her daughter to dress. "How stubborn" . the angry mother continues to say, putting a coat and hat on her daughter.

Why do we think that only our circumstances are important and even doing a good deed for a child (going for a walk with him) Do we manage to create tension in a relationship?

Think about whether what you are asking for is really important?

If you cannot explain to the child in such a way that he understands why he needs what you demand, then you do not need to demand it. If you don't have enough arguments, then there aren't any.

If you are sure that what you demand is vital for the development of the child’s personality, and you have arguments, then the following technique must be used to resolve the conflict:

It is necessary to turn the external conflict between a child and an adult into an internal conflict, between the positive and negative beginnings of the child himself, his perspective and momentary interests.

For example, your child refuses to put away toys before bed. You tell him: “I understand that you are tired, but you are a strong-willed person and have repeatedly shown your ability to do what is needed, overcoming fatigue. I believe that my wonderful son will cope with the situation today.” .

In this way, we turn to the positive side of the child's personality, demonstrate faith in his ability to cope with himself and put him in a situation of choice: overcome his weakness or surrender to her mercy today.

The task of an adult in a situation of conflict is to make sure that the child has the desire we need, so that he himself wants to be good.

Sometimes you need to temporarily retreat, give in. What for? To enable circumstances that do not suit you to spontaneously develop to such an extent that in a new situation the motive you need appears in the child.

3. 7. Situations of misconduct.

These are situations in which the child knows that he is acting badly, that it is impossible to do this, but he does it anyway.

Why does a child do what is forbidden? There may be various reasons for this. In order to understand the child and help him not to commit misconduct in the future, it is very important to find out these reasons and help the child not to depend on them.

In this case, the reasons are those motives that prompt him to commit an offense.

The main motives for committing misconduct:

1. Satisfying the needs of life.
2. The power of desire.
3. Greed, desire to possess money, things.
4. Striving to be better than others (meet the requirements of the reference group).
5. The desire to be accepted by the group.
6. Increasing your prestige, status.
7. Desire to try.
8. The desire to test yourself in a situation of risk.
9. The desire to prove one's courage in a situation where a child "taken weakly" .
10. The desire to attract attention.
11. Actions "out of spite" .
12. To restore justice.
13. "As everybody" or for the company.
14. For fear of blackmailers.
15. To achieve positive social goals.

Thus, the motives for committing a misdemeanor can be very different. Among these motives are positive, negative and neutral.

If the motive is negative (2, 3, 4, 9, 11, 13, 14) , then we need to help the child get rid of it.

If the motive is positive (12, 14) or neutral, then the child must be taught to satisfy him in socially acceptable ways: not through a misconduct, but through an act.

So, the task of an adult in a situation of misconduct is to find out the motive for committing it. If the child does not name a motive (Answers: "I do not know" ) , then, perhaps, he is embarrassed to admit, because many of the motives have a negative meaning from the point of view of ethics, or he himself does not fully understand why he did it that way. Disagree when the kid says he did it "just" that there is no motive: everything has its reasons.

The punishment in a situation of misconduct may be a demonstration of the chagrin of the parents. J.J. Rousseau proposed such a method of punishment - the method of natural consequences. In this method, the child who has committed a misdeed experiences the discomfort caused by the consequences of the misconduct. For example, if he broke a high chair, there is no need to rush to get him a new one. Let him live with a broken chair for a while.

You and I must understand that the child has the right to make mistakes, but it is important to help him, "turn prank into wisdom" , as Amonashvili writes, i.e. to comprehend the experience gained and learn not to repeat the mistakes.

It is knowing the motives and causes of the child's behavior that we can determine the type of situation, and then, in accordance with this, choose the model of our behavior.

4. Game "Understand me"

I suggest you relax a little and play a game "Understand me" . Your task is to determine what feelings the child is experiencing by pronouncing the proposed phrases.

Child speaks Child feels

Look, dad, I made a plane from a new constructor! Pride. Satisfaction.

I'm not happy. I do not know what to do. Boredom, stumped.

All the children play, but I have no one to play with. Loneliness, abandonment.

I can do it. I don't need help. Confidence, independence.

Go away, leave me alone. I don't want to talk to anyone. Pain, anger, resentment, feeling of dislike.

I can not. I try, but it doesn't work. Is it worth trying? Frustration, desire to quit.

I am glad that my parents are you and dad, and not others. Appreciation, gratitude, joy.

5. Determining the type of situations

Parents are divided into 4 teams. Receive cards on which various situations are written. Their task is to determine the type of situations.

1. One winter the boys decided to play "war" . Along the highway, the snow was cleared onto the side of the road by a tractor. The snowdrifts served as both cover and ammunition for the boys. They began to make lumps of snow and throw them at cars passing by, representing them as enemy tanks, and themselves as partisans. (The situation that arose in the game)
2. Serezha went to kindergarten with a new beautiful and not cheap typewriter. returned from kindergarten he is without her. When asked where the machine happy child handed dad a box containing a live horned beetle and explained that he had traded the car for a beetle. (Situation difficult for the child)
3. They built in the country new house. The father, working on the second floor, periodically asked his son for 10 years to bring and give him one thing, then another. The child ran to the barn and brought what was needed. The father shouted another request to his son. The son did not understand, he asked again, then again and again. Without understanding what was required of him, he shouted to his father: “What are you yelling like a fool, better go down and say!” . The father did come down, but not to repeat the request. (Situation of emotional outburst)
4. Mom bought new cosmetics for gifts in the store, put the purchases on the shelf and warned the girls of three and five years old not to touch. Returning after a while, she saw that the girls had tried all the cosmetics, ruining the packaging. It was not possible to give gifts. (Misdemeanor situation)
5. My 4 year old, like all children, loves to play with his toys but doesn't like to put them away. We have a certain agreement with him: if he wants to watch cartoons, he must first put all the toys back in their place. Sometimes, before collecting toys, he turns on his favorite cartoon cassette. (Boundary checking situation)
6. As a child, I spent a lot of time with my great-grandmother. She loved me very much, spoiled me, we often laughed with each other, made fun of each other. At some point, I stopped perceiving her as a person who is much older than me, I began to perceive her as a girlfriend. I was interested to know if my grandmother could become a real girlfriend. This concept included not only telling secrets, but also a familiar attitude. Once I needed to call my grandmother, and after thinking, I shouted: "Hey grandma!" . (Adult verification situation)
7. The school will host a drawing competition based on P. Bazhov's fairy tales. I need to draw an illustration. Tanya draws well, but refuses to take part in the competition, citing the fact that she does not want to do it. The teacher tries to force Tanya to take part in the exhibition, emphasizing that the student's duty is to take part in the life of the school. (Situation of pedagogical conflict)
8. Reflection. Summing up the lesson and handing out a memo for parents "Types of situations of interaction with a child"
9. Relaxation "Anxiety Cleansing"