Dad for a little girl is practically "God". What happens when "God" strikes?

A look at the consequences of using a belt to "educate" a girl from a male psychologist from experience working with adult clients.

A topic about which for some reason it is not customary to talk about in the press, publishing houses. It depends on us whether we can change something in the "usual" methods of education, break the circle of violence at least in some families.

I will not repeat myself, immediately to the nuances, what is the peculiarity of using a belt for "educating" a girl and the difference from spanking a boy.

Nature is so released that the female energy is more accepting, and the male energy is more giving. Thus the race is extended, life is given to the Living. Yin and Yang. Shakti and Shiva. Maternal energy creates comfort, acceptance, protects what is inside. The paternal energy protects from external threats, supports in development, prepares for external life and Challenges. Both mother and father can take on these functions, since both energies are present in us - remember the monad, where they flow into each other.

However, the girl will grow biologically into a woman, future mother, give and nurture the child in your body. The boy must grow into a man who will give protection and support to the woman during the period of pregnancy and feeding the child, taking care of him. That is, they have different tasks and the attitude of parents towards them will also be different.

The boy is prepared for challenges, struggle, resource extraction. That is, deprivation, restrictions, battles, injuries - all this will be part of his everyday life, this will be his initiation into adulthood. Violence on the part of the father, spanking in the form of "education" can already be perceived by the boy as a challenge, as a way to endure difficulties, as the first step towards victory, even through defeat. "I'll grow up, I'll give back."

Another question is how the child will grow emotionally, what will happen with feelings and experiences. Remember? "I'm an old soldier and I don't know the words of love." The competition between father and son is about the very ones "measuring peeps". Traumatic, but still overcomeable, even with your resources in adulthood. It is clear that a father can “beat” his son’s strength, turn him into a “rag”, but this must be done hard and clearly this is no longer “education”, but “breaking”.

A girl does not need to be so prepared for challenges, for overcoming physical suffering, trauma, in order to move through life. Fighting is not her main task.

And now let's imagine that the father physically or morally, through verbal aggression, puts pressure on the girl, as he considers "educates". Like any living creature, when attacked, when hurt, pressured, the girl will have no choice but to try to defend herself, to defend herself. Animals bite, scratch, and if it doesn't work out, they run away. Or rather, they first run away, and if they couldn’t, then they fight.

What opportunities does a girl have to run away from her family? Run away from the "teacher" of the father, clutching at the belt? Where to run? First to mother. What would her mother usually say to her? What will mother do? Here are the options for traumatic development. He will protect, turn away, take the child and leave the house, scold the girl, cry and call for patience, etc., etc. This is usually sorted out with the client, because it all leaves a mark on the psyche. Especially if the situation was repeated many times.

What is the healthy behavior of a mother? "Remove the belt! Don't you dare hit the child!"- if the husband is sober. And grab the children and run out if the husband is drunk and aggressive. It is no better if, in front of the children, the father will beat their mother. The injury is not one of the weakest, especially if in front of the boy.

What's next? A conversation between a wife and her husband, WITHOUT CHILDREN! About the fact that if he tries to hit again, she will divorce and he will communicate with children only by court order in a safe environment for them. Scared of losing your husband? Can you imagine how terrible it is for children to lose their beloved father when he turns into a "demon of education"? If you don't protect him, who will?

But, this is if you do not consider a belt or punches to be a "normal" upbringing. And if there is, of course, where to go. Sometimes it takes time, resources - to leave. Sympathize with the child and ask his forgiveness that, as a mother, you cannot give him safety. Physical security - because this is HIS body and NOBODY has the right to hurt him. Even for educational purposes.

So why are girls so traumatized by father abuse? And "upbringing" with a belt is physical violence, because it violates the physical integrity of the child's skin and soft tissues. Even just DEMONSTRATION of the belt is violence, because the child will complete the picture of horror in his head when he gets hit on the body with a belt. Fear will turn your father into a monster and yourself into a victim. "Obedience" will be precisely out of fear, and not out of UNDERSTANDING the situation. It's training!!!

Dad for a little girl is practically "God". Strong, decisive and able to do everything. Able to move mountains. He is the guarantor of security and prosperity. He's a man! He is different from his mother. He is the object of worship, he is the one from whom she wants to hear that she is a "princess". The same "reliable back and support" that women later dream of, looking for it in men. 15 kg of a girl and 80 kg of a father, compare the size of the hands, imagine dad's hands on which the child rests. His hands cover almost the entire back!!! With such a support, nothing in the world is scary!

Except one, if these hands take the belt, hit with this hand, throw insulting words like "slut and f*ck, just like your mother." Or they openly declare "shut up, don't run up, now you'll get it, you'll finish the game," vividly drawing a picture of the embodiment of this in the girl's brain, if there has already been an experience of violence. Many describe that they "enough" even just the cry of their father - the whole body was paralyzed and it was scary to the point of stupor.

Why is that? But because those very strong hands can hit, hurt, throw away, crush and even strangle. Your "God" is killing you. At this moment, the whole world collapses with the girl, because the world betrays her. The world is a terrible place and there is no defense against an angry "God".

Dad turns from a defender into an aggressor. But if in the life of animals they fight with the aggressor, then how to fight with dad-"God"? Bite? Scratch? Many girls try, but how is it likely to end? "Oh, are you still scratching? Well, you ran into it!". And then the girl realizes that her protection stood sideways to her. It’s better not to fight when someone stronger and scarier is nearby.

So she grew up, became a teenager, her strong man squeezed her in the elevator, pushes her into the car, strangled her in the transition. What will the children's decision advise her? Most likely "surrender, otherwise it will be worse." Indeed, there are situations, a gun at the temple, for example, where it is justified to surrender, but in most situations there are nails, and teeth, and elbows, and a squeal, and you can break free and run away. Let's say "thank you, dad" for raising a belt and slaps?

If the mother did not protect, then the girl will most likely live inside the conclusion that there is no protection from the aggression of a man, that he can behave as he wants and he will not get anything for it. In one of the options, the future wife, who is beaten by her husband, "educating" her as a wife already, because this is the "NORM" of life. And just as once her own mother did not take her away from her aggressor-father, so now she herself does not "take away" herself from her husband's aggressor. Trained.

But another reaction may work. The girl is not broken! I collected all my energy, pain, will, into a fist and made a promise to myself never to give up, to endure everything! True positive qualities in our society? I agree, for adults facing the real world. And for a child of 3-5 years. Well, maybe a little older... Gather something will gather, and relax? And accept that the World is a safe place, and not a place where only "survive"?

And here the girl goes into "pumping up" the role, the archetype of a warrior woman, an Amazon. A woman fighting for justice, for the rights of the offended, protects other women, and even herself. Where it is necessary and where it is not very necessary. Among the Olympian gods is called "the archetype of Artemis". According to the myth, she competes with her brother Apollo in shooting accuracy. In response to his challenge to shoot a doe very far away, she shoots and kills ... but not a deer, but her lover.

Symbolically, this means that the girl is engulfed in masculine energy, "measuring pussy" and killing Love. The author of the book "Goddesses in Every Woman" Jin Shinoda Bolen refers to Artemis as a "virgin goddess", one of the three who finds it difficult to build a normal relationship with a man. And what kind of relationship, if the girl decided not to give up, to always be a warrior and not to yield to men in anything. Remember the "receiving energy"? After all, she will “fight” with her man for power, for justice. When is it time to "give up"?

Well, about "Daddy-God." Will the girl grow up and how will she see the Yang, masculine part of Divinity? What will she project onto the figure of God the Father? Most likely punishing, "bringing up with a belt" dad. The feeling of guilt that “I am doing something wrong, since my beloved dad is angry and grabs the belt” will most likely turn into “sin”, guilt before the Lord. And he will feel "an all-punishing, punishing God."

This will have little to do with religion, since there is no contact with the Higher Power, God, but a stuck projection on a strong father figure. Yet God the Father cares for us as for his flock. Or fair, at least. I do not want to go deep into a topic in which I am not an expert. But definitely there will be no contact of a mature woman with something that is Higher, stronger, more powerful. Again, it can enter into an argument if there is a lot of Artemis energy. So what is humility? Where can he come from, if there is a solid "powerful father" around. And without humility, how to pass beyond the extreme situations, grief, losses, challenges? Who and what to rely on?

But still, about girls. What is important for a girl, woman, wife in a relationship? Love, acceptance, the admiring look of a man. She wants to be Queen for her King. Rule their family's kingdom together. The girl wants to be a princess for her dad, wants her dad to admire her, saying that "you are my most beautiful, you are a princess!". And the girl "falls in love" with her father, even wants to marry him. We are talking about an age in the region of 3.5-5 years, body-oriented psychologists call this "the structure of sexuality."

Psychoanalysts call the "Electra complex" the competition of a girl with her mother for the right to "possess" her father. The girl wants her father to belong to her, to be her "husband". There is no question of any sex here, just during this period a sexual identity begins to form, the girl understands more clearly that she is a future woman. Her body begins to bloom, the girl falls in love very childishly and the development of both adolescent love and the ability to love maturely depends on this period.

And this "object of love" suddenly turns into a monster with a belt, or gives strong cracks, or threatens, or "just" yells. For him, she is no longer a "princess", but a violator of the rules, a criminal in practice, who must be punished. She is forced to continue to "love" this monster. And even if he is not 100% right, then out of love for him, she may not recognize it inside her psyche. “I’m bad!” she will say to herself, directing the aggression that should have reached her dad. But how then to "love" him, if you accept that he is a monster? And how to give up love, how to accept this pain of losing a father who loves you and will not touch you with a finger?

And, as I described in my example, if love is painful in childhood, a person will encounter "painful love" in adulthood. Either he doesn’t know otherwise, or to “replay” and get a non-painful one, or to avoid relationships in which there is love altogether. What can be the husband of that girl, where the father beat, shouted, "brought up with a belt"?

There may be different options. In psychology, they are often called "scripts", there are many of them. Two typical ones: either well, very similar to his father, domineering and aggressive, or "neither fish nor fowl", so that he would not touch a finger. The last option, as it was with my clients, is very deceptive. It seems not aggressive, but it may well be "passive aggression". He doesn’t really earn money, he sits at home nowhere, doesn’t go, drinks, teases, devalues, quarrels with friends and parents. That is, "punishes", but not directly. And pissed off.

Very often, clients whose dad "brought up" through force confuse uncontrolled aggression and real male Strength. The need as a woman to be near strong man remains, but in the wounded psyche there is no other model than the "man-with-a-belt." A man raises his voice a little, turns on the power a little, and on the horizon is already the whistle of a belt or a blow with his hand. Where can relationships come from? As a result, there is a "rag man" nearby, who, well, just pisses me off. By the way, if he drinks, he can even grab an ax.

And another moment. If the father turns from a protector into an aggressor, then what will a grown girl expect from men? stable behavior? Accepting her for who she is? Forgiving mistakes? Support her where it is difficult for her? Will she even need a man next to her to modern world coping? Especially if he is likely to "drip on the brain"? Will a successful woman in her career or business want to hear insults, endure pressure, listen to evaluations from men? Will she have options to negotiate or will she immediately slam the door so that what happened in childhood with dad does not happen again.

By the way. The removal of the brain by dad, when he itches, whines, runs over, scolds, brings up for hours no less severe violence than a blow. After all, the girl turns into a hostage, and dad into a terrorist. She just has nowhere to go, and she endures and endures and endures. Many clients exclaimed: "It would be better to hit!".

How much do you think such a grown girl into a woman would want to endure in the "marriage prison"? Most often, from the very idea of ​​clarifying the relationship, the conflict will already make her sick. And the conflict accumulates, accumulates and the family most likely breaks up. This is "verbal abuse" often disguised as "caring for a child".

Well, it's a very tricky topic. I'm not an expert on this, so I'll keep it short. The topic is very difficult to deal with. Yes, if the psychologist is a man. Where does the belt go most of the time? By pope. Down the back. Sometimes especially "creative" dads lift up their jackets and pull down their pants. And the girl has a period of development of sexuality. Or maybe he already goes to school, and there he already makes friends with the boys and knows that it’s not good to be naked.

And here sexuality, children's "love" for dad and physical pain in tender, soft places close up. And the shame of being naked and at the same time arousal. And where is the guarantee that dad at this moment sees his daughter in front of him? If it beats, it is clearly no longer adequate. And in front of him is a naked "female" body, albeit a young one. Screaming. Where else are women screaming? And go and find 10 differences in the cries of pain and ... . And then what does the girl see in front of her? Or rather "who"? And how can this then affect her sexual addictions? What about emotional ones? "Love is when it hurts!".

Well, the last. Self-esteem. "I am bad!" "I'm not good enough!"... for dad, and dad is "God"! And can such a woman claim the King in a relationship? Can she be sure of herself? Does she have the right to make a mistake if dad is SO unhappy that he grabs the belt? Will such a girl, girl, woman prove all her life to her dad, and then to the World, that she IS DESERVED of his/their love and acceptance?

What will she have to go through to say, "I can love and be loved. I'm fine. I'm good enough. I'm a Woman, and worthy of Respect and to be reckoned with!"? What will she have to go through in order to return, to enter her Feminine Power"?

Do you really believe in "education" with a belt, slaps, slaps, shouting, boycotts? And what is then the "goal" of such education? Are you sure that this will lead the girl to happiness?

I'm sad. Because hundreds of men passed through me as a psychologist, as a facilitator in men's groups, whose mothers were "raised" by a belt and the cries of fathers, grandfathers, stepfathers. That aggression, which was addressed to the male parent, pours out on the sons. In the course are already "familiar" methods of education. And who grows out of these boys, you know? "I'm an old soldier and I don't know the words of love." Patriarchy you say?published

Marina GORDEEVA, Chairman of the Board of the Foundation, told reporters about a new approach to solving the problems of social orphanhood and child abuse.

“At the highest level, it is recognized that the topic of orphanhood and cruelty to children requires special attention today,” Marina Vladimirovna began. - Society asks questions: how to change the situation? Why is the number of orphans, if reduced, not as significant as we would like? There are more of them today than in 2000. So, there are some basic problems that do not allow us to solve this problem. Funds are allocated. And there is no radical change! More than 120,000 such children are diagnosed annually. Number of hardships parental rights is growing - in 2009 in Russia, 72 thousand children had their parents deprived of parental rights! Many children end up in orphanages immediately after birth. Increasing funding for solving problems of families and children in traditional forms (allowances, summer holidays, maternal capital and others), did not give the desired effect in reducing the number of orphans. Today there is an understanding of what we need. Firstly, the preservation of the blood family for the child and the prevention of parental abandonment of children. Secondly, the introduction into practice of new social technologies aimed at preventing family troubles. It sounds dry, but we understand: efficient technologies needed not only in the economy and production, but also in the social sphere. Our approaches have been focused on adversity, it is time to shift the focus to prevention. It's easy to say. But if you look at how everything happens in life, then we will see that everything is geared towards a neglected case. Yes, and specialists must understand that they will in no way replace the child's parents. They are only to help the family, to support. The third priority is the placement of children left without parental care in foster families and their professional support.

In search of these new paths in social work and it was decided by the president to create a fund to support children in difficult situations. On August 25, it was two years since we registered the charter and started working. The foundation's mission is to create a new management mechanism that, in the event of a division of powers between the federal center and the subjects, will significantly reduce the social disadvantage of children and families with children and stimulate the development of effective forms of work. Unlike others charitable foundations we do not work with citizens or organizations, we co-finance regional programs aimed at achieving systemic changes in the situation of families and children, as well as projects of municipalities and non-profit organizations. It is important for the Foundation that programs and projects are comprehensive and can be replicated. Equity financing. Regional programs receive at least 70 percent of their budget from the funds of the subjects Russian Federation and raised funds of partners from among commercial and non-commercial organizations. 30 percent is allocated by the fund. For highly subsidized regions, funding is provided 50/50.

Marina Gordeeva recalled the areas in which work is being done with the partners of the fund in the regions. This is the prevention of family troubles and social orphanhood of children, the restoration of a family environment favorable for raising a child, the family placement of orphans and children left without parental care. This social support families with children with disabilities to ensure the best possible development of such children. This is the social rehabilitation of children who have committed offenses and crimes, the prevention of neglect and juvenile delinquency. The Fund is trying to reorient the activities of the regions and move from the elimination of consequences to the prevention of difficult life situations in Russian children. The experience of the regions, in particular the Tomsk region, shows that this approach can significantly reduce the number of children left without parental care. Among the new technologies that are being introduced in the regions, Marina Vladimirovna named the following: working with a case, home assistants and individual tutors, accompanying families and selecting methods of correction by specialists at all stages of trouble, a social district service, a psychological assistance service in registry offices in order to prevent divorces and other.

“One of the most successful practices in the area of ​​prevention of social orphanhood is being implemented in the Tomsk region,” said Gordeeva. - In the Siberian Federal District, the proportion of orphans in the total number of children is the highest in Russia - 4.13 percent. In the Tomsk region, this figure is now at the level of 2.98 percent. Prior to the implementation of the program "The right of the child to a family" in 2008, it was 3.42 percent. This is already a noticeable trend. The progress is due to the fact that the Department of Family and Children has built a very effective work in the region. In 2009, a new specialization appeared at social workers- case manager. The main task of the curator is the prevention of family troubles and timely assistance to the family. By involving the family in the rehabilitation process, the curator, together with the family, finds a way out of a difficult life situation. By the beginning of 2010, 920 families are in the area of ​​their attention. Of these, 443 are at an early stage family crisis. (We got acquainted with how case curators work and even with some families that have such curators in the Tomsk social rehabilitation center Luch. In total, there are 115 rates of case curators in the region, employing 150 people.)

Separately, Marina Gordeeva dwelled on the problem of child abuse.

A complete picture, she admitted, does not have a single department today. As Moscow experts later complained, each keeps its own statistics, the numbers differ, they are duplicated somewhere, it is almost impossible to compare the data with each other. However, the fact that the number of crimes against children and adolescents goes off scale beyond all conceivable limits is beyond doubt.

By the way, the most common (35,381 people in 2008) crime against children - malicious evasion of child support - formally has nothing to do with child abuse. But in fact, that is exactly what it is. According to Gordeeva, the scale of the disaster is underestimated, because the figures that are made public are terrifying, but they are just the tip of the iceberg. If extreme forms of violence with deaths become a subject of outrage, then domestic violence is scattered everywhere. In a study commissioned by the Foundation by the Institute of Sociology of the Russian Academy of Sciences, it was noted that corporal punishment is perceived by a significant part of the population as the norm, 52 percent of parents use physical punishment.

To change the situation, the Foundation, together with the Ministry of Health and Social Development and the constituent entities of the Russian Federation, was instructed to conduct a nationwide information campaign against child abuse in 2010.

“Her primary task,” Marina Gordeeva reminded, “is to promote the formation of an intolerant attitude towards violence in society. Necessary early detection cases of abuse. You can't take things to extremes. Not to find "Mowglis" who were brought up in a dog house. This, of course, units, but it's nonsense! And if trouble happened, then people should be aware of the possibilities of resolving the problem with the help of the appropriate services. It can be different forms— from helplines to commissioners for children's rights. It is important to overcome the indifference of adults - neighbors, teachers, professionals working with children, so that they also perceive messages about trouble. It is necessary to delve into the situation as early as possible and help the family. Even more cost-effective to invest in preventive measures than to take the child from the family to government agencies. As part of the campaign, the foundation holds a series of events. Started in March charity marathon"Childhood Without Cruelty and Tears", which we hold together with the Children's Products Industry Association. The first event made it possible to provide children from the Vityaz social rehabilitation center in the Kaluga region with toys. In May, institutions of St. Petersburg received children's goods, on June 1 - Ulyanovsk region. At the end of the year, children's goods will be delivered to 37 social institutions from 18 regions.

On May 25, the Civic Chamber hosted a presentation of the movement “Russia – without cruelty to children” and the Internet portal for parents “I am a parent” (www.ya-parental.ru). President Dmitry Medvedev was the first to join the movement. Every citizen, organization, corporation, municipality and even the whole region can follow his example and report it on the portal "I am a parent". Joining the movement is reinforced by concrete actions. In June, the television began showing the video "The First Slap" - that the slap that the obstetrician makes so that the child begins to breathe should be the first and last.

In July, we held the action "Belt is not a method of education." Well-known athletes, TV presenters, pop stars gave their belts as a sign of support for the movement "Russia - without cruelty to children!". The belts of Daniil Spivakovsky, Yegor Konchalovsky, Igor Vernik, Yuri Nikolaev, Oleg Gazmanov, Alexander Oleshko, Svetlana Masterkova and others are stored in a special chest. From these belts, the designer will create an unusual art object that will be given to the winner of the competition of cities.

The Orlyonok camp hosted the All-Russian Children's Forum "Children Against Cruelty and Violence", which resulted in an open appeal from children to all adults about the inadmissibility of the use of cruelty. 2,443 children signed the appeal.

Elena KVASNIKOVA,
Tomsk-Novosibirsk.

Parents often say this, although this phrase is rather childish.

Punishing children is always unpleasant, but parents who have grown them to school age are unlikely to be under the illusion that it is possible to raise a child completely avoiding this unsympathetic activity. Whether we like it or not, our parental task is to show the child what is good and what is bad. Who, if not us, should mark the boundaries of what is permissible and teach the child the rules of behavior in society? Therefore, before moving on to enumerating possible penalties and situations in which certain measures are acceptable, let's agree on two important conditions.

The belt is not a method of education
Movement "Russia - no cruelty to children!" organized by the Foundation for the Support of Children in Difficult Life Situations. One of the first to join him was President Dmitry Medvedev. Well-known politicians, writers and actors followed his example: Minister of Health and Social Development of Russia Tatyana Golikova, UNICEF representative in Russia Bertrand Beinvel, governors of the Tomsk, Kaluga and Belogorod regions, I Chairman of the Federation Council of the Russian Federation Sergei Mironov, Deputy Chairman of the State Duma of the Russian Federation Nadezhda Gerasimova, Olympic champion Elena Berezhnaya, Vladimir and Sergey Kristovsky, writer Lyudmila Ulitskaya and many others. Anyone who shares the values ​​of responsible parenthood and is ready to publicly demonstrate their attitude to the rights of children, especially the right to life without violence and cruelty, can follow their example. To do this, you need to go to the Internet portal www. ya-parent.ru and join the movement. One of the most striking actions of the movement is "The belt is not a method of education." Those who participated in it Russian stars publicly removed their belts and urged parents never to use this infamous accessory in communication with their children.

Two unconditional conditions

Condition #1

You need to get back into a state of unconditional acceptance of your child. There should be absolute certainty in his already analytical head that you love him unconditionally. What it is? That means no strings attached! No matter what grades he gets, how he behaves at school, how well he keeps his room in order, and how often he washes his hands. In his soul, even on the horizon, the thought should not appear that because of the fourth "troika" in mathematics, his mother will love him less. And so that he knows about it, it makes sense to find the appropriate words and bring this thought to his consciousness. Believe me, as soon as such confidence settles in the child’s head, it will become much easier to negotiate with him.

Your child is already familiar with the state of unconditional love - most children experience this love in the so-called "pre-evaluative" period of their existence, i.e. in infancy. But the more the child grows up, the more demands are placed on him... The stage of endless admiration for all his actions is replaced by another stage: his actions begin to be evaluated.

Condition #2

Second important condition the use of punishments in relation to the child is the presence of encouragement, praise. Contrary to the opinion of many, it is almost impossible to overpraise a child. Just like petting a cat. Any living being will always be pleased with "stroking" (praise and approval). The reason for unwanted and destructive behavior in children is very often the lack of the right amount of praise. Surprised? Let's figure it out.

The belt is not a parenting method
Alexander Oleshko: "One bang - and psychodrama for life"
My mother in my childhood enveloped me with such love, such attention, such incredible caress, such magical world that the only time she took a belt in her hand was a tragedy for herself. I remember how she sat for an hour, whispering: "Mom can't beat children!"
After the first class, she brought me to Moscow for good grades, exemplary behavior. Wu" children's world“I did something wrong. She sat down ... I sat down next to her and said: “But you won’t punish me, because mom can’t beat children!” It was, one might say, my first parody.
I had some absolutely trusting, warm relationship with her. Sometimes I even wanted her to hit me, or something. Instead of two, three hours explaining that this is bad, this is good. It was so difficult for me! I thought: "Lord, but someone just!". Bach - and that's it, and went. But this one “bang”, even once in a lifetime, is capable of inflicting a psychotrauma on a child, which turns into his psychodrama for life.
I know a woman who remembers all her life how her mother hit her because she swept the garbage in the wrong way ... She cannot forgive her!
It's horrible. It's like swallowing a nail and eating, talking, loving and everything else with this nail all your life. So, parents, cancel this rather primitive, painful and, in principle, useless way of education.

Ekaterina Strizhenova: "I envied my friend who was beaten by her parents"
My parents never beat me. And I, frankly, envied my school friend Tatyana (we still meet with her). She was beaten for bad marks for any wrongdoing. I envied her. “How cool!” It seemed to me. “They gave you a belt and went for a walk.” I have always been put at the negotiating table. With their sentimental conversations, my parents put pressure on my conscience. It was such a measure of responsibility! You just couldn't do wrong.
Quite early, my husband Sasha began to take care of me. Once my mother found his cigarettes in my jacket. She looked at me like that! .. I said: "Mom, these are not mine." And she didn't have a shadow of a doubt. By the way, I still don't smoke. This is true: if a child is trusted, if he is treated as an adult, independent person, he tries very hard not to let his parents down. I don't know how, to be honest with you. Because I have two daughters. I'm afraid that if I lifted the belt on them (laughs), I wouldn't be sitting here. My husband is madly in love with his girls - Alexandra and Anastasia ... These are the main women in his life, in addition to his mother and wife.
Of course, everything comes from the family - the norms of behavior, the boundaries of what is permitted and what is not permitted. We see the attitude of mother to father, father to mother, parents to themselves. And we build our lives accordingly. Therefore, we must not allow the belt as a method of education to continue to roam from generation to generation.

As a rule, parents praise their children much less often than scold them. When your child behaves well (for example, quietly and peacefully builds a city from a designer) and does not interfere with you doing your own business, you do not run into the room and start praising him for it. But if he fires a pistol at the window, your reaction will be immediate. That is, in the case of his good behavior, you simply do not pay attention to him, and in the case of bad behavior, you pay and how! And the child is important and needs your attention. And if in his experience there is no (or very little) experience, when for his good behavior pay attention to it the only way its immediate receipt remains... That's right, bad behavior.

Another negative consequence of the lack of praise for good deeds is the fading of motivation to do good! Let's say a child studied in the first grade with almost one "five". Parents got used to it and began to take it for granted. And now the child brings a “four” or, God forbid, a “three” ... From the side of the parents, a violent reaction and even punishment immediately follow. Where's the justice? Why do most parents tend to rate the bad rather than the good?

Only if you agree to accept the two conditions described above, you can talk about punishments. I repeat, anyone should be built on a foundation, which is based on unconditional love and having the right amount of praise and approval.

Bilateral agreement
When the child is 8-9 years old, it makes sense to discuss and agree with him on the rules of behavior and punishments. Jointly developed agreements are easier for the baby to follow. Include in your set of rules and punishments for adult family members. For example, if you did not fulfill your promise (did not read a fairy tale before going to bed, etc.), then ...

Fairly, consistently, with love...

Unfortunately, it is impossible to do without punishment at all. But in order to minimize the cases when it is required, parents (educators) must strictly adhere to ... the basic rules of punishment.

Punishment must be fair

For example, enough typical situation. On the way to school, the child took off his hat in cold weather. Mom, seeing this through the window, reprimands him and demands that he put on a hat. The child agrees. The next day the situation repeats itself. But this time, seeing the child without a hat, the indignant mother raises her voice at him, says offensive words, and as a punishment does not let him go for a walk after school. From the side, the mother's behavior looks quite logical. She worries about the health of her baby and punishes him by depriving him of the opportunity to go outside.

Whether this punishment is just or not depends on one detail. If in the previous (first situation) the mother simply pointed out to the child the need to put on a hat, and now punishes him by taking it off again, this will be offensive and unfair for the baby. It will be fair if, after the first incident, a conversation took place between them, in which the mother "announced the rules of the game." As an option: if I sent you to school in a hat, then you can’t take it off yourself (without my special permission); if you do this, I won't let you go for a walk in the yard in the evening. And even better, if the requirement is supported by an explanation to the baby, what is the reason for the need to walk in the winter in a hat and why the mother will have to punish him if this requirement is violated. It is important that the child understands the essence of what is happening, and not just fulfill the request of the mother and put on a hat. It is not necessary to count on the fact that his thinking is already sufficiently mature and that he will draw the necessary conclusion on his own.

Use "I-statements"
A great way to reduce the intensity of conflict is to use "I-statements". "I-statements" are when you instead of accusing the child, starting with the word "you" (you behave ugly, you scattered toys, you made me angry), talk only about your feelings. "It bothers me a lot that the TV is so loud", "I'm worried that it's already evening, and the lessons have not been done yet", "I'm very upset because of your deuce", "I'm worried when..." This magical way has an amazing effect on children. Any accusation forces to defend and resist. And by using "I-statements", you stop blaming the child. You tell your child about your feelings. And in most cases, such information serves as a signal to him that his beloved mother or beloved father is suffering. Believe me, a child who loves you does not want to cause you suffering, therefore, with such a motivation, a change in behavior; happen much faster.

A punished child should not feel deprived of parental love.

This is perhaps the most difficult rule to implement. In order to implement it, you need to talk more with the child and spare no time to explain why this or that act is bad, why it should not be done. Do not punish a child for the first time committed a negative act. This should be done only if the child is already informed that he will be punished for such behavior.

Parental requirements must be consistent.

Do not shout at me
Sometimes parents express their dissatisfaction and indignation at the child's act by "simply" yelling at him. For some reason, such "self-expression" of parents is not considered a punishment: after all, there is only a cry, there are no requirements and sanctions. Meanwhile, the child perceives the parental cry as a punishment, experiencing the same, if not greater, emotional overload as in other forms of it.

Pavel Sokolov: "It will be more severe than a belt!"
You know, I will still send my belt for eternal storage in a special stock chest. With all the ensuing consequences. Although, to be honest, I think that it is very difficult to manage children under five years old. This should be done by specially trained people. Children, sometimes, can be annoying, really very seriously annoying.
I will say about my childhood that I did not receive a belt from my dad. Although once he could: he had already removed it from himself. I screamed that it hurt a lot: "Dad, don't! I saw on TV that you shouldn't do that!" He was frightened of my cry, took the belt away, but still hit me with his palm, after which I understood everything.
But at school I got a pointer on the head from the teacher. When I fidgeted a lot. But I somehow translated everything into a joke. As a result, the whole class began to laugh, and the teacher, by the way, too ...
Why, tell me, do adults engage in assault? You need to be able to negotiate with your child. Say, for example, to him: "You have five minutes to play on the computer." Or, on the contrary, as a punishment (more severe than a belt, it will be!) To take away from him the opportunity to play on a computer.

Example 1

The girl loves to play with her mother's makeup. Usually she gets scolded for it. But if the mother is passionate about correspondence on the Internet, then rummaging through her mother's bag is allowed - as long as she does not interfere! It is logical to assume that, being punished for examining a cosmetic bag (when her mother is not busy with a computer), the girl will experience resentment and perceive everything as injustice.

Example 2

A tired, irritated father, having come home from work, attacks his son for toys scattered on the floor. At the same time, in other situations, when there is no focus of irritation in his own state, he does not pay any attention to this. So the son suffers because of internal problems father.

In the mind of the child in such situations, confusion arises due to the inconsistent behavior of the parents. There should be no situations in which a child may or may not receive punishment for the same actions. By the way, this also applies to incentive situations. Insults to the personality of the child, sticking "labels" (stupid, stupid, blockhead) are also very important. Remember the old wisdom: whatever you call a yacht, that's how it will float.

How will we educate?

Well, now it's time to get acquainted with what is "in the market of punishments" and tell how this or that type of influence on the child will affect him.

Parents are also different.

All parents, depending on their preferred parenting style, can be divided into two groups:
soft parents
They prefer to raise a child without upsetting him. Such mom and dad seek to develop the desired behavior in children with the help of exhortations and explanations. By virtue of their own characteristics, they cannot bear the role of an enemy for their child, albeit for a very short time.
To the punishments used by this group of parents, even the word itself is not entirely applicable. However, there comes a moment when the child "overflows" and a tolerant mother or father grabs his head, realizing that the previous methods of influencing the child are no longer enough. Often, with this style of upbringing, the child "sits on the neck."
authoritarian parents
They demand complete submission to themselves and, without ceremony, punish children for even the slightest deviations in their behavior. This position is dangerous because it can lead to anger and aggressiveness of the child. Sometimes, within the same family, both models of upbringing are applied to the baby (mother is soft, dad is authoritarian), which, of course, does not lead to anything good. Parents (and everyone involved in raising a child) should agree among themselves on measures to influence a small person, on in what cases what types of punishment will be applied (and which will never be applied!), And strictly observe this agreement.

Disgraceful punishments

They humiliate pride and personal dignity, especially if there is public discussion child's misdeeds. Sooner or later, the hidden aggression and resentment of the baby will break out.

Hanging "labels" and offensive name-calling

It is unacceptable to call a child stupid, rubbish, clumsy, etc. Such words seriously lower his self-esteem and emotionally alienate him from his parents.

Alexander Buinov: "The policy of carrots and sticks does not bring results"
I had a very happy childhood. I'm being serious without humor. But one day my mother decided to give me a "world spanking". I experienced then only humiliation in front of the girls (we lived in a communal apartment on Tishinka). Being in front of them without pants is worse than being beaten with a belt. I will remember this humiliation for the rest of my life. But what I was punished for, I continued to do anyway. Because the belt is not a method of education. Much worse is the psychological trauma.
Everyone has dogs, right? I have been consciously involved in dogs since the age of 13, I even studied at a special school of dog breeders. Now, raising animals is very similar to raising children. The policy of carrot and stick does not bring results. If a dog is beaten, then it grows up to be your secret enemy and someday it will definitely take revenge on you. So are children. If they are beaten with a belt and physically punished, they will then punish their parents when they are weak as children. So, unfortunately, it is not so rare ...

Ignoring

This type of punishment consists in the fact that they don’t notice the guilty child, they don’t talk to him, they avoid making eye contact, they behave as if he isn’t around at all, they talk about him in his presence in the third person. This method is often used by "soft parents" as a last resort. Keep in mind that ignoring is effective only when there is close emotional contact between the child and the parent and the baby is afraid of losing him.

Authoritarian order

Such punishments include the famous "corner" and other types of restriction of children's activity. It makes sense to resort to an authoritarian order in cases of serious violations of the rules of behavior that can lead to serious consequences (for example, injuries). And the child must know in advance what punishments of this kind will follow (for example, fights between children, etc.).

Restricting rights, adding responsibilities

“For two days you are forbidden to play the console”, “today you will not be able to visit Misha”, “tomorrow you will have to vacuum the whole apartment” ... Familiar phrases? Well, they are not forbidden, but it would be better if there is a preliminary agreement with the child about such punishments. For example: "if after the end of the game, you do not clean up the toys, then ..." Or: "if the agreed time spent at the computer is exceeded, then the next day you do not turn it on at all." At the same time, it is important to make your conditions exactly the rules that the child knows about in advance. In the end, he will learn: each time in the event of an undesirable act, certain consequences will occur.

This group also includes punishments associated with depriving the child of any pleasures (for example, dessert if he ate pasta with his hands), or toys (if they were scattered), or going to the cinema. However, even here it must be remembered that the baby must be aware of the "rules of the game" and know for what misconduct he can be deprived of pleasure. Children react painfully when the rules "change as the game progresses." They are usually empathetic enough to understand when you are simply looking for an excuse to backtrack on your promise (to go to the movies). To maintain a trusting relationship, it is better to refer to poor health than to start recalling the child's misdeeds.

Rules for Punishment
Don't skip or delay punishment. It must follow immediately after the offense. The child needs to be aware of the unconditionality of the rule you set. Give punishments in a calm voice and in a friendly tone.
Do not use unfounded accusations, the illegality of which a small person cannot protest ("You are the same as your father", "Nothing good will grow out of you", etc.). In such situations, the child feels humiliated, not punished.
Never play on a child's weaknesses - for example, do not leave him locked in a dark bathroom, knowing that he is afraid of the dark. This kind of punishment can cause irreparable damage to his psyche.

physical punishment

This type of punishment makes sense to apply only when all other methods of influence have been exhausted: persuasion, explanation of the unacceptability of the corresponding behavior, depriving the child of any pleasures. It must be clearly understood that physical punishment is unacceptable in relation to adolescents, as well as to children whose undesirable behavior is due to illness (for example, enuresis, hyperactivity syndrome, etc.). Although, by and large, those parents who consider physical impact on any child are unacceptable never and under no circumstances are right.

Count to ten!

Most parents worry if they "broke down" and unfairly punished the child. When they come to their senses, they feel guilty before him. The consequence of this may be gifts, indulgences in the regime and other actions characteristic of a guilty person. You can understand parental outbursts - after all, they are associated not only with the very act of disobedience of the child, but also with their own emotions, state - we are all living people! But anyone can significantly reduce the number of such outbreaks. Try to use the proven method more often - mentally count to 10 before reacting in one way or another to the child’s undesirable behavior. Counting to 10 is approximately 5 seconds. Believe me, a lot can change during this time. Our brain, capable of performing millions of operations per second, will have time to evaluate the meaning of what happened, to be in the shoes of the guilty person and, possibly, choose another action instead of screaming or physical punishment.

It makes sense to learn endurance for one more reason. Children skillfully play on such states of their parents, using their shattered nerves. They know how to skillfully bring dad to the point where he "went too far", knowing that it is necessary to wait for the "explosion". Because after that he goes to the store and brings chips or allows him to watch TV until night. By learning to restrain the first emotions, you will be able to avoid such manipulations by your beloved sons and daughters.

What is forgiveness?

To forgive means that you will never remember your child's misconduct and use it as a "trump card" in further disagreements. The child, before asking for forgiveness, must know exactly what exactly he was guilty of. It's better if he formulates it himself. Therefore, every time a child asks for forgiveness, it is important to ask him a question: what exactly are you asking him for? You may be surprised by the answer ... It is also worth asking the child: "What will you do next time?" When you hear the correct answer, praise. And be prepared to ask your son or daughter for forgiveness yourself, especially if you could not restrain yourself, shouted or used force. Some parents believe that asking for forgiveness from a child is a sign of weakness in front of their children. In fact, by apologizing, you will show your strength and give good example how it's done.

reed stimulus
In the past century, the discipline and methods of achieving it in Russian school classes seemed strict to society, although they differed significantly from those that were, for example, in England and Germany. This can be judged from the following experiment.
A certain teacher, Mrs. Erikanova from Nizhny Novgorod, was sent by the City Council in 1908 abroad. There she got acquainted with the production primary education children. After her business trip, Erikanova told how she was surprised by the unquestioning discipline in the class. The German teacher told her that teachers have good way to excite the attention of students to the lessons in the lesson.
In each class there were ... reed sticks one and a half to two arshins long, stored in study cabinets. V right moment the teacher, without shouting and undue stress, quite calmly showed the stick to the children, after which they all, as one, fell silent and followed his explanations.
There was another simple measure of punishment. The guilty student was put in a corner and left in the classroom after class. The child, naturally, wanted to move, play, walk, and he could only watch his peers, restraining his impulses.
When teaching little Germans, the main thing was the work in the classroom. There were very few homework assignments. During the classes, the children tried very hard, carefully attended educational institutions. If, by chance, there were unauthorized absenteeism, then for this the parents of the students were threatened with a fine. Owners or artisans, whose students were required to go to school, were also subject to a similar fine. In the event that the school fine was not paid (for reasons of principle or lack of money), the adult perpetrator could be imprisoned for a period determined by law. These orders took shape in German schools for many decades. In German society, on this score in the 1870s, even an aphorism was born that it was not the army, but the German school teacher defeated France in a war that had just ended.

Discussion

Thank you for the article! Very helpful. At least for me, the mother of a one and a half year old child. I will save and re-read periodically.

The family is one of the greatest values ​​created by mankind in the entire history of its existence. The methods of upbringing that are used in the school and the family differ both in their set and content, and, consequently, in the psychological essence, the effectiveness of the impact on the child. In family methods, there is more naturalness, appeal to a specific child who has his own life experience, certain habits, preferences and interests. The methods of raising children in the family are the ways through which the purposeful pedagogical influence of parents on the consciousness and behavior of children is carried out.

The choice and application of parenting methods are based on a number of general conditions:

• Parents' knowledge of their children, their positive and negative qualities: what they read, what they are interested in, what assignments they carry out, what difficulties they experience, what kind of relationship with classmates and teachers, what they value most in people, etc.
• Personal experience parents, their authority, the nature of relations in the family, the desire to educate by personal example.
• If parents prefer joint activities, then practical methods usually prevail.
• The pedagogical culture of parents has a decisive influence on the choice of methods, means, forms of education

The methods of raising children in the family are the ways through which the purposeful pedagogical influence of parents on the consciousness and behavior of children is carried out. The methods of family education bear a vivid imprint of the personality of the parents and are inseparable from them. How many parents - so many varieties of methods. All parents use common methods of family education: persuasion (explanation, suggestion, advice); personal example; encouragement (praise, gifts, an interesting perspective for children); punishment (deprivation of pleasure, rejection of friendship, corporal punishment). The family uses various methods of recognition and encouragement: stroke, kiss, hug, pick up, etc. Children are consoled in misfortune, supported in difficult times, a motive is found to protect their justice, and in case of mistakes, ways are sought to correct them. With achievements in labor activity, children are rewarded, but gifts are not given for good behavior, for what a person is obliged to do. You can reward both things and money. In extreme cases, punishment is applied, but physical punishment is never used. It is common knowledge that beating hurts children. The following forms of punishment may be applied: disagreement, objection, shaming, warning, etc. In rare cases, isolation from brothers and sisters is applied. The main requirement for parents is to get to know their child better and come to his aid in time.

Persuasion is a complex and difficult method. It must be used carefully, thoughtfully, remember that every word convinces, even accidentally dropped. Parents who are wise with the experience of family education are distinguished precisely by the fact that they are able to make demands on children without shouting and without panic. They have the secret of a comprehensive analysis of the circumstances, causes and consequences of the actions of children, foresee the possible responses of the children to their actions. Those parents who argue like this are doing it wrong: today I will sit down and begin to convince my son that you need to be hardworking, study well, and tomorrow I will talk with my eldest daughter about modesty, girlish pride, etc. One phrase, said to the point, at the right time, can be more effective than a lesson in morality. Today, for example, the father expressed admiration for the principled act of a workmate, tomorrow the mother proudly spoke about the labor affairs of her team, the day after tomorrow the older brother drew attention to interesting article in the newspaper, after some time he expressed dissatisfaction younger brother, who did not notice that his mother came tired, and he did not help her around the house, was sincerely indignant that he did not find time to visit a sick comrade. Persuasion is a method in which the educator appeals to the minds and feelings of children.

Persuasion and clarification can be presented to the child in the analysis of specific life situations that make it possible to convince the child; in discussing with the child his specific act; in using an example of a person authoritative for a child, a hero of books, films. Conversations and explanations are far from the only means of persuading children. The book, the movie, and the radio convince; painting and music convince in their own way, which, like all forms of art, acting on feelings, teach to live “according to the laws of beauty”. A good example plays a big role in persuasion. And here the behavior of the parents themselves is of great importance. Children, especially those of preschool and primary school age, tend to imitate both good and bad deeds. The way parents behave is the way children learn to behave. Finally, children are convinced by their own experience.

In order to identify whether it is easy for adults to convince today's younger students, we conducted a survey of 30 students primary school Yarskoy secondary school №2 pos. Yar of the Udmurt Republic. The following questions were asked:

1. Do you think it's easy to persuade you?
2. Do you listen to the opinion of parents, teachers?
3. Do you listen to the opinions of your classmates?

After processing the personal data, we obtained the following results. On the first the question "Is it easy to persuade you?" 14 students (47%) answered positively. 12 students (40%) believe that it is quite difficult to convince them, and 4 students (13%) believe that it is easy to convince them only in some situations.

On the second the question "Do you listen to the opinion of parents, teachers?" 20 students (67%) answered positively. These students often listen to the opinion of the teacher or parents. And 8 students (26%) believe that it is not necessary to listen to the opinion of a teacher or parents. And only 2 students (7%) indicated that they listen to the opinion of the teacher, parents sometimes.

On the third The question was answered positively by 18 students (60%). These students often listen to the opinions of their classmates. But 12 students (40%) note that they never listen to the opinion of their classmates.

Thus, we conclude that children in the younger school age easy to convince. They often listen to the opinion of parents, teachers, as many parents, teachers are a model, an example for children. Younger students also listen to the opinion of classmates, but less often.
We also conducted a survey with parents of students. The following questions were asked:

1. Is it easy to convince your child?
2. Does the child listen to the opinions of family members?
3. Which member of the family does the child listen to more?
4. Does the child listen to the opinion of friends?
5. What methods of persuasion do you use in raising a child?

On the first 16 parents (53%) answered the question positively. They believe that they can easily convince the child, 6 people (21%) answered in the negative. And 8 responding parents (26%) believe that their child is easy to convince only in some cases.

Responding to second question 22 parents (74%) noted that the child always listens to the opinion of family members. And 8 people (26%) indicate that children rarely listen to the opinions of family members.

third the question “Which opinion of the family members does the child listen to more?”, we can conclude that more often the child listens to the opinion of older family members, as they are an example for their children (40% - the opinion of the mother, 33% - the opinion of the father) . But still, 6 people (27%) indicate that the child listens to his older brother, sister more often.

On the fourth the question "Does the child listen to the opinions of friends?" 18 people (60%) answered positively, and only 2 people (7%) answered negatively. And 10 people (33%) indicate that the child sometimes listens to the opinion of his comrades.

Analyzing the received data on fifth the question "What methods of persuasion do you use in raising a child?" we can conclude that most often in families they use such methods of persuasion as conversation (74%), suggestion (53%). The example method (40%) and the story (40%) are used less frequently.

Thus, we can conclude that children at primary school age are easily persuaded. Children listen more often to the opinion of older family members, less often to friends. The most used methods of persuasion are such as conversation, suggestion.

In our opinion, the family for a child is both a habitat and an educational environment. The influence of the family, especially in the initial period of a child's life, far exceeds other educational influences. The success of personality formation is determined, first of all, by the family. How better family and the better it affects education, the higher the results of the physical, moral, and labor education of the individual. The role of the family in the formation of personality is determined by dependence: what kind of family, such a person who grew up in it.

Let us give an example of a parent-teacher meeting about the relationship between adults and children in the family.

Parent meeting "Children should not be educated - children should be friends"

Purpose of the meeting: convince every parent of the value of the child's personality.

Tasks: develop a culture of communication between parents and children; the ability to see and analyze the negative aspects in the upbringing of their own children.

Teacher. The family can be compared to a launch pad that determines a person's life path. Every adult, and especially parents, is responsible for the fact that the problems that the child will meet on his way, he knows how to overcome with dignity and honor. No less important for the child is meeting with such adults who will help him learn the art of life.

Children act out the scene “To beat or not to beat?”

Once in the autumn through the forest
Suddenly a rumor swept:
In the clearing at exactly eight
Collects all Owl.
Abandoning business and children,
Not finished picking mushrooms,
Who went, who flew
To this disturbing call.

Raccoon.

You don't know, godfather
Why is Owl worried?
Maybe your fox again
Does he torment Kosoy at school?

Fox.

Oh don't talk raccoon
He is a real devil at home!

Wolf, buddy, your puppy
Didn't disrupt Owl's lesson?

Wolf.

And I don't know, maybe
He's so good at howling.

Hedgehog.

Tell me, Bear
Does your son love to sing?
Maybe he's the Owl of Patience
Experienced by beautiful singing?

Bear.

Can't tell neighbor
I rarely see Mishutka.

Putting glasses on my nose
Owl asked a question.

Owl.

Raise, animals, paws,
Who didn't beat the kids, dads?

Fox.

What nonsense, Owl?
I'm a fox just yesterday
I fought for a long time by the ears.

Bear.

They say about bears:
He is deaf in the ear.
I am for pranks son
I caress only with a rod.

Papa-hare on a stump,
crunchy carrot,
It is important to speak with pathos ...

Hare.

I'm against spanking!
I squint my children.
I won't touch my paw,
On the road every day
I instruct them strictly:
Don't walk on your ears
Don't gnaw on doors
And the tails of your friends
You don't stick in the cracks.

Magpie.

I am not alone in trouble.
my children every day
I'm too lazy to listen to all the lessons.
If they crackle a lot,
I take the belt to help.

The crowd roared again
Who was against
Who was in favor.
For a long time the owl could not
Get the word out to them

Owl.

I ask you, animal mothers,
And especially dads
Stop in your family
Education "on the belt".
Your children are so accustomed
To be scolded for misdeeds,
What about us teachers
Looking forward to the same things.

Teacher: Good evening, dear friends. I will start our meeting with the question: “Why do you think parents and children often quarrel?”. Probably because they don't understand each other. Children do not understand that their parents are tired at work, that they are annoyed by their heavy worries and problems, and do not guess to help them, to calm them down. Parents have no time to understand the problems and interests of the child, they do not understand that for him the game is serious and important. And parents begin to "educate", demand, order, and the children do not want to listen to lectures. And there are parents with children on different sides of the barricades. Isn't it better to unite, understand each other and live in goodness and harmony. Many parents believe that convincing a child with a belt is much faster and more correct. But they are wrong. Let's look at a few methods of persuading a child:

- analysis of specific life situations, allowing to convince the child;
- discussion with the child of his specific act;
- using an example of a person authoritative for a child, a hero of books, films;
- righteous anger as a means of persuasion;
- a personal example of parents.

(Discussion of methods of persuasion goes along with parents, highlight the "+" and "-" of these methods.)

Teacher: Dear parents, I really want our conversation today not to be in vain, so that it somehow influences your relationship with your children. I have no doubt that you all love your children and I want your daily motto to be “Guys, let's live together!”.

The issues of raising a child worry parents even before he is born. They are trying to determine their line of behavior, thinking about whether to punish the baby, if so, at what age, whether to use rewards and how often.

Belt as a means of education

In search of solutions, parents rely on the experience of relatives, acquaintances, neighbors, turn to specialists, remember how they were brought up in childhood. An urgent issue is the use of a belt in the upbringing of children, the opinions of psychologists and educators differ here.

Some argue that the use of a belt is anti-pedagogical, while others take its side. They assure that physical education will benefit, discipline the child.

Many parents use punishment when verbal persuasion has dried up. No persuasion helps, and the parents grab the belt. According to psychologists, such actions are the lot of weak, speechless, mentally limited people. Bringing up with a belt humiliates the child as a person, often inflicting great mental trauma on him.

Teachers urge parents to use the word in raising children, arguing that the belt is not a pedagogical method.

Looking back, everyone could admit to himself that the desire to pick up a belt and flog a child arose at least once. Someone realized it, and someone remained tormented by doubts, remembering pedagogical morality.

Is a belt acceptable in raising children? There is no single answer to this question, although the majority are against it. As a method of education, the belt is not welcome. Yes, with its help, the child begins to obey unquestioningly, fulfills all the requirements. But as soon as the belt is put aside, insubordination returns, sometimes in a more aggressive form.

No one denies the need for punishment, but you don’t need to grab the belt right away. Try to convince with a word, alternate punishment and encouragement. Remember that the ultimate goal is to educate the individual.

Is there any use of a belt in raising a child? Certainly not. Scientists have proven the futility of physical punishment.

Raising children with a belt leads to:

• to slow development;
• the emotionality of children decreases;
• often the ability to think sensibly disappears;
• they adjust their behavior to the circumstances;
• inadequacy in actions is traced.

It has been proven that parental upbringing with a belt leads to intimidation of the child, a disciplined person grows up, but often does not have his own opinion, afraid to express his point of view.

Is it possible to strict upbringing of girls with a belt? Naturally, it is impossible to punish the baby in this way, however, indulging her whims is also not recommended. Find an approach to it. If you hurt her feelings in such a trivial way, you will lose respect in her eyes, and the problem will still remain unresolved. Support, understanding from the mother works better than any punishment. Talk to her, explain what is wrong with her behavior, teach the girl with words.

Is a belt acceptable in the upbringing of sons?

This method of parenting shows your helplessness as a parent. You need to influence your son with a word, persuasion, and even better with your own positive example. Conversations, perhaps, achieve better results than beatings. Using a belt, some believe that the baby is so understand better, however, with each blow, he realizes less and less, he becomes embittered, he has a growing fear of his parents, which over time can develop into a fear of everyone around him.

At first, it seems that the belt in raising boys disciplines them, but this is a common misconception. He does harm emotional development child, kills him as a person.

Paternal parenting with a belt video:

Do not raise children by beatings, use affection, kindness, then a normal, adequate person will grow up, comprehensively developed personality. Remember that violence breeds violence.